Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome into our newly refurbished cafe. We've got rid of the Bad Daughters' bench - it was getting too small - and refitted the main room as a Bad Daughters' room, with comfy sofas, coffee, chocolates and drinks of your choice. (There is a good daughters' room - go down that corridor there and you'll find it tucked behind the stairs. It's not yet been fully furnished - we haven't had a visit from a Good Daughter in I don't know how long).

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Awww I'm sorry about your dad dint...he always sound such a character. Has he given you any idea what's causing his dip in mood?

I wish my mum was easier to be around. I went for a coffee yesterday at a lovely riverside place in the countryside and was thinking ill spend a whole day with her, maybe on Monday and take her there for a bit of a treat, but she was so unpleasant this morning I've gone right off the idea.

I'd love to be able to do nice things with her like that without thinking there would be aggro at some point.

What d'you think, Minty - did he jump, or was he pushed? Because I wonder if maybe your DM wasn't the only vulnerable person he was making up to?

I had a phone call from Lifeline at 2.18 this morning, asking me to ring mum's mobile urgently. She doesn't have an effing mobile. Followed by six calls, one after another, from the ambulance, and then she rang in her sad whiny voice at 7.30am saying the ambulance had just gone and she'd really like to see me today but she'll understand if I don't want to come.
I am absolutely raging. Yesterday she "found" a bottle of vodka in her wardrobe, finished it, went out to buy another one. Fell down drunk in the street and was brought back home by one of her neighbours, went out again, was refused alcohol in the shop and then is complaining that "she couldn't get up and it was all coming away from her" - ie incontinence.
But it doesn't stop her, oh no. And she wants me to go round to "sort out the money for her grandson's birthday present" - can anybody see a carrot waving at the end of a stick, here?

MrsRussell Personally I would be too tired to go around seeing as I'd been up all night because of her. I might have a headache the next day too.

Dint that's distressing for you. You'll dwell on it until the next visit whereas he might have forgotten about it before dinner time. I thought he was determined to have every medical intervention going so he could live as long as possible? Something must have happened for him to suddenly feel this way.

We had the birthday card hostage scenario every year, even when she had full mobility MIL wouldn't post a card, she rang up to tell you it was there. She couldn't accept that everyone responded that they'd pick it up the next time they were there rather than making time on their birthday to spend two hours with mum/granny. The idea that the day is all about the birthday person and not her - well she just doesn't get it. It's always been about her.

Minty My money would be on that there's been an internal investigation and he's been given the choice of resigning with some sort of a reference or going through their warning procedure. Officially there is no such choice but unofficially there is, it's less fuss all round. If your mother is painting him as the bad guy then that's good because if she can get angry over how he's treated her she's less likely to weep and pine.

I have filled up my mother's garden waste bin. concentrating on making it look good from the street. The gardener should be coming next week or the week after and after that I should be able to hold back the jungle.

@MrsRussell @Knotaknitter

The possibility that there might be to it is interesting. They agency he works for was taken over by another company last spring and he's said for some time that he doesn't enjoy working for them as much and is considering leaving.

But...when I was round early Tuesday morning, she had a call from.the agency asking how she was finding the service, and specifically him, was she happy, were there any issues etc.

She had them on speakerphone and it sounded completely routine to me, but she was suspicious and I'm not aware that they've done it before.

He's told her he's had a pension payout and is probably going to do charity work once he leaves.

Hmmm...

The very charitable way of looking at it is that he provided a distraction during a very difficult time for her. However, she's now in the next phase of her life where she plans for her future and thinks what she wants to do with the rest of her life. Relationships on the rebound rarely work out well.

Has she started back doing the things she used to do - meeting friends, lunch groups, reading groups, charity work?

That's a bit scary Minty what charity, any idea? because I'd not want him working with any more vulnerable people.

She's just phoned me and told me she's in hospital. Usual batshit crazy withdrawing stuff. They're taking her in for emergency surgery because she's very ill. She says she's going to get the ambulancemen to ring me, which is unlikely to happen because there is no ambulance....

That must have been so harddint as others have said, is there a trigger for this? 🌺🌺
minty just what you don’t need……. Protect yourself……
hairbrush how are you? Are you getting your break away

@MrsRussell what a pita...hope your mum's antics don't interfere with your weekend too much.

@Knotaknitter mum doesn't really have hobbies as such, certainly no groups. She likes faffing on the Internet, a bit of light DIY and gardening, pottering in the shops and watching the Challenge channel.

She is friends with a couple who have been visiting her once a week since the funeral. Her best friend isn't local - she calls about 3x a week and said she'd come down but hasn't managed it yet. Another friend is quite tied up with her religious commitments and has an adult grandchild living with her, and her other local friend is the one she fell out with after the funeral.

She's on friendly terms with a few neighbours but doesn't really socialise with them.

We've talked about her joining some groups when they reopen...the local community centre has a Scrabble club, a diabetes group, and Cruse befriending sessions (which her neighbour met a new through after losing her husband). She also looked at the Age UK visiting scheme.

It's getting her to do anything about it that's the issue.

Hairbrush when your DM says ‘You know I’ve always said I didn’t want to go into a home!’ the subtext of that is ‘I’ve decided you will always wear yourself out ensuring I don’t, no matter how incapable I am of looking after myself.’ It is a real denial of reality for elderly parents to ‘decide’ this and to manufacture in their heads a fictional adult daughter who should scoop up all elderlies and cocoon them in an idyllic, timeless family home until the rose-tinted end of their days.

Dint I’m sorry your DF has had a very down day. I don’t think you can make things better for him except to carry on being his smashing daughter and do what you already do so attentively. Moods do change and I hope his lifts soon.

Minty that L stuff sounds like a nightmare and I hope you can just float above it. I don’t think you can be responsible for her social life, I spent way too much time planning possible social contacts and outings for DM from miles away – the websites and phone numbers I collected, the lists I made, the people I schmoozed … waste of time, she wanted some intangible thing that couldn’t be provided by me.

minty He hasn’t told me, he kept veering away into fantasy just as I thought he was getting there. Feeling lonely seems part of it, and manager wonders whether he’s realised there’s no glorious future at the end of this , that this is as “good” as it gets for him.

Manager’s great. He’s been complaining people keep hustling back to his room when he wants a walk, and she’s given him a laminated card to show saying he’s allowed to walk. This is to boost his confidence not because it’s needed.

So glad I don’t have your mum to deal with. You have all my sympathy there.

knot yes, that’s a common sense comment I needed to hear.

binary I’ve mentioned to my son he’s a bit down, and he’s going to try to visit at the weekend.

sandwich trigger? Possibly change of rota so a favourite nurse doesn’t spend as much time on his ward. He does seem to be feeling lonely, but he’s coped so well with loneliness in the past

Got a call from another elderly relative and they're putting me down as the A in PoA.

Confess my mouth said, "thanks for letting me know", my brain said, PoA for four people, please God let them all not get ill at once and I prayed vigorously for merciful aneurysms (not now obvs!! but when the Grim Reaper decides to come & collect).

Did I mention that they all live at least an hour away. In three different directions.

This latest PoA is joint and several with rellie's actual DC, but there's a slight possibility they (DC) might be spending a bit of time abroad, so it's not unreasonable to have me down too.

This relative is very level headed, it's two of the others who are independent to a fault and of late have been saying things like "I don't want to go into a home!!!" when... nobody mentioned going into a home? So where is that coming from? But they're too worked up to have a sensible conversation to find out... I mean I get that they're frail and ill and stressed and you have to cut them a bit of slack. Guess I was just spoiled by my late Mum who did actually trust me implicitly.

I'm being very ungrateful 😎 as I'd have to do the same, regardless of whether or not PoA is in place, so bloody good thing it is really!

MysterOfwomanY you've got to be there when the PoA is signed so it'll mean a road trip.

I said last year that SIL needed to talk to her mother about PoA but that was at the point where everyone was ignoring the obvious to me memory problems. Time has passed, when mum fell four months ago I raised it again as an example of how you could go from woolly to incapable in five minutes and that really she needed to get it sorted while MIL had capacity to agree to it. I've not seen MIL for over a month as she's been in and out of hospital and as I'm not told about her movements I've gone to visit her at home when she's been away. I have no idea whether she has the understanding to sign up, she has good days and not good days. Residential care is on the cards and I think this is the point where the family will find that their unwillingness to raise an awkward subject is going to bite them.

I know I'm preaching to the converted here but it is something that you need to have in place just in case something unforeseen happens. You might not get the opportunity to see that there's a chance that it's going to be needed. You may trust someone else to take the health and welfare decisions but in terms of paying bills there isn't anyone else who will do it. I suspect that SIL thinks she just needs to walk into the bank and explain the situation and that's not going to happen.

Guess I was just spoiled by my late Mum who did actually trust me implicitly.

Unlike mine! Actually I'm not so sure if she doesn't trust me or just thinks I'm completely incompetent..as far as she's concerned she is the new improved lovechild of Hyacinth Bucket and Miss Moneypenny so anything I do is bound to fall short of her exacting expectations.

@MysterOfwomanY

Bloody hell I think my head would explode!

Has she got a will sorted? My uncle died intestate last year with substantial savings but no kids or partner. The resulting fall out means that dad's surviving brother and half brother now only speak to me but not to each other or their half sister/sister respectively who has gone NC with all of us as she didn't inherit anything and had got the hump.

I have to admit after Dad's funeral (she knew how ill he was...hadn't called him for a year, didn't so much as phone when he died, much less attend the funeral...bearing in mind he was 14 when she born, helped raise her and came back 12000 miles from Australia by boat to give her away when she got married) I sent her a text telling her in no uncertain terms what I though of her attitude and deleted and blocked her on everything.

I have a very high threshold for taking other people's shit, but mess with my dad or my daughter and I get a bit mafioso

Aaargh! I called my Mum last night - I live in another country. She has all the Covid symptoms - cough, difficulty breathing, sore throat and runny nose (which I think is a symptom of the new Delta variant). Oh and she says “nothing really tastes right” - was complaining about the tasteless lunch she had.

I suggested it might be Covid, got her usual response of “don’t be ridiculous.” I said she should self-isolate and do a test, but she won’t do either as she is going on the shopping bus tomorrow. I told her to cancel, but she is refusing and “will try not to cough.” I know if I sent her a test she would either refuse to do it or mess it up so that she could say it was ridiculous and that she didn’t have Covid. I am hoping the shopping bus won’t take her, but am more worried about her neighbours. She is in and out of theirs all the time and one has terminal cancer. She really won’t listen (my Dad said she should have “She wouldn’t be told” on her tombstone), and I don’t know what else I can do.

you've got to be there when the PoA is signed so it'll mean a road trip. Are you sure about that? You need your signature witnessed, and the donor needs their signature witnessed, but I can't recall anything saying you both needed to present at the same time. Certainly replacement attorneys don't need to be there, just need to get their signatures witnessed.

Dint You are right, I didn't stop and think. I had the donor/attorney/certificate provider all together so it could be over and done with but we could have done it in installments. There's nothing to stop the donor and certificate provider doing their part and then the attorneys adding their signatures (with witnesses) later.

MrsSchadenfreude There's nothing you can do. You're not responsible for her and her actions. She's being totally irresponsible but that reflects on her, not you.

@Knotaknitter I know. I don’t have her neighbour’s number but I will certainly tip off my friend who does her shopping.

God I'm cheesed off today...it's not specifically mum but life in general although I suppose she's the trigger...just off round there to help clear some stuff out.

I'm just sick to death of having to live my life for other people. I have no time/brainspace for my hobby, am trying to sort the house out but doing it I'm dribs and drabs isn't working, DD is wonderful but her schedule is all over the place and she doesn't do overnights with her dad (I went on a date last week and realised over the weekend having a relationship, even of the casual variety, is a complete impossibility until she goes to uni).

And in 5 weeks and 3 days I'll be back at work, five full days a week, no flexibility, plus Sundays and Thursday evenings seeing mum (minimum) so I will have one day off a week to do anything for myself and that will no doubt comprise housework and sweet fa else.

And it's hot, and I'm perimenopausal with PMT and can't shift any bloody weight and I just needed a massive moan.

As you were ladies.

So...L has phoned since I've been here and let mum.know that he won't be in this Wednesday as he's signed off sick.

I called the agency as we hadn't heard from them, to enquire if they had a timescale for his illness as we will need to make alternative arrangements for mum if so.

Apparently as far as they knew he was still due back into work and supposed to be visiting mum on Wednesday.

She sitting here sobbing hysterically...it's clear from some of what she's said to me that she's been a bit delusional about their relationship and it sounds like he's taken advantage of that (in ways I'd really rather not think about).

When will it all fucking end? I just don't know what to do...she still doesn't want anyone 'making trouble for him'.

Hearttfelt sympathies, Minty - I have been trying to reclaim my life for a few years now, and keep making a bit of progress only for it to be clawed back by parents/children/pandemic etc. I had been looking forward to being a (relatively) carefree empty nester, but then Covid hit, and now DD (18, slightly fragile mental health) is back home for at least the next year. Luckily she is old and sensible enough that I can go off to visit DP (long distance relationship) and leave her here.

It's a month now since DF died; my mother took to her bed for a few days last week with a rather vague feeling of being unwell (nauseous, no appetite, I think she threw up once), but revived with a visit from my niece and brother-in-law. We wondered if the illness was related to possibly stopping drinking for a while. Anyway, she perked up and was eating again.

However, last night I got called out as she had fallen in the kitchen. Her falls always seem to be in the evenings, she has always been drinking (not enough to be drunk, but she's a frail disabled 84-year-old with extremely limited mobility - she doesn't need anything that will make her wobblier than she is already). There was a wine glass on the table and three empty bottles by the sink (probably from the last three or four days, not just one night, but still). She was not happy when I pointed this out to her. It took several hours, a couple of careline people and an ambulance call-out to sort her out last night. It has happened before, she has promised to stay off the wine, but it never lasts.

Oh blimey @exexpat!

My mum's teetotal..I should probably stop wishing that she'd have drink or three in the desperate belief that it might calm her the fuck down.

We didn't part on great terms...not awful but I told her in no uncertain terms that the situation with L is affecting not just her mental health and wellbeing, but having a knock on effect on mine, and if she doesn't sort it out ASAP, I will.

I had a call from the care home this morning, mum is on the floor and they've called for an ambulance as she's on blood thinners and they think she banged her head. Voice in the background declares loudly that no, she did not bang her head and won't someone help her up now. I'm glad that I can't go and see her in the hospital because after four hours on the floor waiting for an ambulance she's going to be mad as hell.

We are booked to go away for a night by the sea tomorrow and if it was just me I'd cancel. My son has been taking second place to mum for years, there's really nothing I can do other than wait by the phone so we're going. From the complaining in the background I think she's fine and the blood pressure/feeling ill is down to sitting on the floor for so long waiting for the ambulance.

Minty If you're not sleeping well because of the heat it could explain why you're out of sorts.

Knot, enjoy your holiday.
Stand aside and let somebody else take the strain!

DD (unemployed) has taken to going off in the car for hours on end to enjoy herself, can't blame her but I really need the car the get to DM's at a reasonable time (not least of all so that I can have a little bit of downtime for myself).

Having pretty much abandoned all hope of a holiday this year, I have booked a week in Glasgow. Random, but it was pretty much the only place left on AirBnB (possibly for a reason). I can't bloody wait!

Minty, if you’re only going to have Saturday to yourself, make is sacrosanct. Phone off, move housework to Sunday, eat takeaways/cornflakes all day. Decide on Friday what you’re doing, so you don’t waste Saturday morning working out what you’ll do for the day (which is what I usually do if I have a free day)