Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome into our newly refurbished cafe. We've got rid of the Bad Daughters' bench - it was getting too small - and refitted the main room as a Bad Daughters' room, with comfy sofas, coffee, chocolates and drinks of your choice. (There is a good daughters' room - go down that corridor there and you'll find it tucked behind the stairs. It's not yet been fully furnished - we haven't had a visit from a Good Daughter in I don't know how long).

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

countrygirl you did have a day of it. I hope the rest of the week is less dramatic for you.

Could do without too many days like that! Work is manic as we are implementing a major project. At least DB will pick things up during the week. I suggested a few process improvements when the silly moo told me she couldn't tell me anything because covid🤔

Mum isn't coping well. Saturday when I took her to visit she thought she was going to bring him home. Same yesterday. Last night she phoned to tell me dad is in hospital. She told DB that she always cooks from fresh and they only use stuff from the freezer when they go out for the day and get home late. They have lived on ready meals for year. Even when we were kids mum was delighted to get a freezer so she could have a stock of ready made food from Bejam and a the microwave was her dream come true. She can't make up her mind whether dad had only just gone in and everyone needs telling or if he has been in for weeks. It's day 4 today.

Mum tells me some right rubbish, I have no idea where it springs from because it's not even something that used to be true in the past it's just a total fabrication. I smile and nod and try not to think about it too much.

Mine's still being a dick.
Still being taken to hospital on a pretty much daily basis and released same day. Spoke to her on Saturday and "she wasn't well" and "she wasn't coping" - I was actually working in a real place other than home on Friday, she did not like that at all BUT WHY WERE YOU NOT AT HOME I WAS RINGING YOU ALL DAY - maybe, but I was doing my actual job?
So she didn't ring me on Sunday. Which means drinking.
Nothing yesterday until 7pm, I turn the phone off at 7pm because that's when we start winding down for the Junior Engineer's bedtime - with SATs and Covid and everything, we are pretty rigid on having routines and things because something's got to be normal in his world at the moment, right? - but no. ten past 7, after a nice manipulative silence all day.

Oh well, she will cry wolf once too often I imagine.

Keep on keeping on, fellow roaches!

@Knotaknitter My mum's the same. She makes up things to fit her narrative. She says some bizarre things, most recently she confided to me that a relative had a secret woman friend and had hurt his back dtd (she put it more crudely than that). He'd actually been in a car accident & had whiplash. I don't know where these strange ideas come from. She should have been a novelist.

Dad came home last night so hopefully things will calm down. Hospital arranged reablement care. I haven't plucked up courage to phone to check they haven't sent them away and told them they don't need them.

The black humour on this thread is what keeps me going.

I had a major breakthrough in my counselling session on Monday. The counsellor told me I had to give myself permission to do things I enjoy. I asked her if she gave herself permission to do stuff and she said no. I realised I don't need to that either. I am free to do what I need to do and what I want to do.

Mum is very unhappy in rehab. She has a lovely room with a tv and ensuite bathroom but can't see the tv. The food's not good and she can't see the tv. It is worse than the proper hospital. But I am refusing to be upset by her unhappiness. I can sympathise with her but I can't fix life for her. And I can't shield her from it the way I have done in the past. I am still happy for her to come home but she will have to work hard to be able to make it.

Your last paragraph is exactly right, hairbrush, keep it going!

We watched yesterday as a middle aged woman helped an older and frailer woman out of a car and into a nature reserve. A few minutes later we spotted them well off the path heading up a hill in rough grassland. DH turned to me and said “she belongs in the Good Daughters’ Room”

Hairbrush The counselling has come at the one time where you have the space to process the ideas it's presenting you with. A month or so you would have had difficulty not fixing all your mum's problems and identifying where her life ended and where yours began but the physical distance between you makes that easier. Her problems are hers to fix, if she can't see the tv she can ask the staff if there's anything that can be done.

I have called mum's gardener which I've been putting off for weeks because I would have to tell him what happened. He's known her for years and I knew he'd be upset.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere when was your mum transferred to rehab? I remember when my dad went after spending a month in hospital we expected him to be in his element...private room, TV, physio, people to socialise with at mealtimes etc.

He was absolutely exhausted from the move the first couple of days and generally quite down about the place in general. The room was lovely but the staff didn't respond very quickly if he needed anything (including help to the loo), the food was hit and miss and no-one left their rooms. He had a lot less physio input than we were expecting too but came home after 3 weeks.

There's nothing much you can do apart from remind them that it won't be forever. Are you able to visit at all?

@countrygirl99 hope your dad has settled back at home OK and your mum is coping. She sounds very like mine...a massive ready meal and microwave enthusiast!

@MrsRussell sorry your mum is still being difficult. Sounds like you have good boundaries though. I can relate to the boy who cried wolf aspect as my mum used to play on her health that way.Touch wood she's long since realised that doesn't fly with me.

Hope everyone else is plodding on OK.

I feel like I've started to get my mojo back a bit this week. Spent Monday at mums helping clear the loft so didn't go round Tuesday or Wednesday !

Am slowly starting to get things sorted at home after a year of neglect. Can't face doing a whole room at a time so have ditched that idea and just been doing 2 or 3 jobs a day as and when I feel like it.

So far I've installed a wall mounted magnetic spice rack in the kitchen; finally hung my gallery wall in my dining 'room'; had a wardrobe clearout and got rid of the bulk of the crap in the spare room and out the extraneous bits in the loft.

Nice to finally feel like I'm achieving something.

Thanks Minty.

I'm sort of in two minds tbh. I haven't spoken to her in person since Saturday: she was definitely alive on Tuesday (...sort of joking) as she spoke to her key worker on Tuesday night, and was making calls at gone midnight on Monday. She's been receiving daily phone calls from her key workers as normal, so I don't see any reason to believe that she's not all right except that she isn't ringing me and she isn't dialling out.

There is an extent to which she plays this game - the way it's played out before is that she'll just ignore phone calls to make me come running down to check on her, and there she is lying on the bed drunk as a skunk and I'm obliged to get involved in sorting her out. And I'm thinking I can't have it all ways, I can't say I'm no contact and then start involving myself in the bits that suit, but then on the other hand....

Police won't undertake a welfare check (we've had this conversation with them before)
She has a friend who lives next door and she lives in a block of flats with a shared area, and looking at her phone records - because I do care about her, I'm just buggered if I'm going to get sucked into her alcoholic dramas - she's had calls from the GP, daily from her key workers, from the hospital to remind her of an upcoming appointment and they're not ringing persistently, the pattern of calls is as if she's picking them up.

I'm not being unreasonable, am I, to think that if she wasn't OK someone (else) would have noticed by now?

Hello, I'm new. Another bad daughter here so can I join you please?

@MrsSchadenfreude I used to get ridiculous comments from my Mum about teenage misdemeanors. In the end, I cracked and told her all the things I had never done eg drugs, got pregnant at 14, etc. She laid off for a while after that.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere - quite right. We can't fix everything and thank you for pointing that out.

Welcome Spababe to the bad daughter's bench. Always room for one more!

I'm still having to visit DM daily at the moment to dress her wound. I do little else other than work, and all I get is criticism from her. What I say, what I don't say, my weight, why I throw out rotten food, how I put the bin out, etc.

Wrote a long post then lost it.
nota that’s rubbish. She doesn’t deserve you. How are you? Any progress with doc?
@spababe welcome. Plenty of room.
Hope everyone is doing ok.

I need to rant!!!! I talked to mum on the phone yesterday. She told me that the Physio was really pleased with her and that she would be ringing me. And also that the care package would take a while. And that she is now walking without a frame??? When I pushed her on the most important issue - how does she cope overnight - can she get in and out of bed without any help at all - she couldn't answer and got cross.

This morning the Physio phoned and said that mum was doing really well. They have pretty much done all they can. Then she said "Mum lives with you doesn't she?" The truth is although we live as one household physically it is more like she lives next door. To get to her I have to go outside and down the drive and back up to her door. The Physio have not assessed whether she can be independent over night which is the biggest issue we have. She has had a couple of accidents over night and when assessed by OT in hospital could not consistently transfer from the bed to the chair AND BACK AGAIN!!! The physio didn't know that was even an issue. I could cry. I have said we can not cope if she is not independent over night. I don't know how much clearer I can make it.

Hairbrush it is probably the case that the picture they are getting from your mother is a different one to the reality that you see. If she wants to get out she may gloss over any inconvenient issues because Hairbrush can deal with that. You have been on call 24/7 but it's not sustainable and it wasn't working either.

Would they like a home visit to assess her living situation before discharge?

I told the physio that she will put on a particular persona with a bright smile and say "we can manage" but we definitely can't! I am not prepared to have her home unless she is independent over night.

They are going to send OT to assess her home before she comes back which is a relief but it looks as though she will be going into a home until they can sort out the care package. I am dreading her finding out.

What I find so frustrating is that no one can give me any sort of time line - even though I am telling them that we are going away. It's not their problem. All I want is three nights in a Travel Lodge! (via Hay on Wye for the books, a couple of meals with my son and daughter in law and to see him graduate!)

I think that many of these professionals take the easy way out, if the patient sells them a believable picture, they go with it. After DM had her stroke I had to get very robust in explaining to anyone and everyone that no, I was not a good daughter, and no, I wasn't going to be doing the things that they had lined up for me.

I soooo want to be able to go away. But I've got today off work to try and blitz my garden and do some life admin stuff.

My Neuro appointment is scheduled for the end of Sept. In the meantime I have been eating and drinking and not going out anywhere for fear of falling. At this rate it will take a hoist to get me back up again.

Welcome Spababe to the bad daughter's bench. Always room for one more! No,no! This whole roome is the bad daughters' room. Don't skulk away on that bench - I only kept it for sentiment's sake - come and join us on one of the comfy sofas.

I'm still having to visit DM daily at the moment to dress her wound. Can't she get the District Nurses to do that? I never did wound dressings.

If she's complaining about what you do say "well I'll stop doing that, since you don't like it".

hairbrush at least you've got the point across now. I found, when Dad was in hospital, it was more effective to duplicate in writing everything I said to them. It got attached to his notes. They don't seem to share information verbally, only in writing, so you have to tell every single person separately, and then they forget. Which isn't unreasonable if they're dealing with 50 people.I find it hard enough to remember key facts about my friends.

They are going to send OT to assess her home before she comes back Try to be there. It's another opportunity to point out all the hazzards. No, you won't get a timeline. They work on the basis of making a decision, eg to discharge, then expecting it to be implemented the same day. Stick to your plans and be prepared to say no she cannot come home tomorrow because I am not there, and add an "extra day" to your time away - you don't want her arriving on your first day back. It's useful if she doesn't have her house key with her.

Hairbrush book your hotel and go. This is the point, this is your life and it is separate from your mother's. Her needs do not trump your son's or yours. If they are going to transfer her to a care home you don't have to be there for that. Right just now it's all someone else's problem, you are used to being in control and everything being in your hands so it probably feels strange. It's not your job to soothe her and manage her emotions, I know you think it is but it really isn't. If she throws a strop then that's her choice but maybe the tv will work and the food will be better. You are not responsible for how she behaves, what she says. She is her own person. You are not the buffer between her and the world. Did I say the same thing in different ways enough times there?

Tell them (in writing) that you will be away from - until for a long standing commitment and that due to the nature of it, there will be long stretches where your phone will be off. SS staff keep getting huffy because SIL works in a school and cannot be contacted until the end of the day. Tough, that's just how it is.

I think they have periodic meetings where the various disciplines get together and decide what's happening with each case. Nothing will happen until the group mind decides that it will.

@MereDintofPandiculation very good point about putting stuff in writing and I am going to do this in the future.

Sympathy please as my dad pushed his emergency buzzer at 1:30am claiming he was bleeding. It was on his bed sheets. I got there before the ambulance and it was poo but he refused to cancel the ambulance and refused to believe me. I had to clean him up, a new low, but then he explained how I was doing it wrong and decided to show me how to do it properly so he could do it himself!
Ambulance people talked to him and reassured him and left.
He was still insisting it was blood but refused to smell the sheet I had removed. 3am now and then said there was no point in going back to bed. I left him to it at this point but it took ages to get back to sleep at home.
I do feel good that I left him to it and didn't stay to try to placate him more as I would have done in the past. I'm trying to step back a bit more after he hated the care home trial and refuses to consider another under any circumstances. Thanks for listening.

Not good spa. My mother went through a spate of phoning for the ambulance at night. Nothing wrong with her she was just stressed. All sorts of tests done in A and E, nothing wrong. Of course we ended up driving to her in the middle of the night and passing an ambulance which turned out to be her. It's exhausting for the rest of the day. Not helped by everyone telling her she made the right decision as she felt unwell. The last time she phoned an ambulance they made her a cup of tea and calmed her down. I was at the hospital though waiting for the ambulance that time. Are you up for a talk with your dad over where you go from here? Will he listen? If he says he can cope, well why is he phoning you? That's not coping. As an adult if I was iil I would phone the ambulance and not my sons. He either needs to start coping or realise he's not coping. Can't have both. My mum still thinks she was right. No real understanding of how bad it is being called out in the middle of the night. I would perhaps phone adult social services and ask for advice. Cleaning up poo would be a one off for me, never to be repeated. Especially if I was being told how to do the cleaning up. Not on.

I made a mistake. I thought things were going OK. DPs didn't turn away the carers this time. I've spoken to dad on the phone and he is clearly still very week but mum still appeared to be in her clucky phase before she gets annoyed that he can't do stuff. Then this evening dad phoned to say mum had stormed out and he was stuck on the floor. Got hold of DB who lives close to.tgrm and he snd SIL went round. Mum was raging up and down the street insisting dad had locked her out - he can barely get up without help. She wouldn't let DB in and was raging that dad hadn't shown suitable appreciation for carefully microwaved ready meal. Mum's alzheimers means she has no real comprehension of dad's condition and now I'm really worried. Dad has phoned again to say it's all OK now but that's just until the next time.