Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome into our newly refurbished cafe. We've got rid of the Bad Daughters' bench - it was getting too small - and refitted the main room as a Bad Daughters' room, with comfy sofas, coffee, chocolates and drinks of your choice. (There is a good daughters' room - go down that corridor there and you'll find it tucked behind the stairs. It's not yet been fully furnished - we haven't had a visit from a Good Daughter in I don't know how long).

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

nota brilliant news on the gym….. think of it as getting your money’s worth!!!! You so deserve that and it’s healthy!!!!!
And agree with knot- someone else should be doing the legs not you- more gym time. Did you get away knot?
How are you hairbrush?

Thanks, yes I did have a night away. The sea was blue, the sand was golden and the flat I'd rented came with a big bag of ice in the freezer.

I saw mum when I got back on Wednesday, I think in future I'll ask them for a visit half an hour or forty minutes because she was done with me and it was all "right, let's get off home then". She can't remember anything at all so although she's been there for 13 weeks she can't find her way to the toilet or the lounge. Every day is the first day in a strange place. I'm telling myself that her home was equally strange to her so she might as well be somewhere that's unfamiliar but safe. Looking at her I really wonder whether she'll see Christmas, I thought she had no more weight to loose but I was wrong.

So glad you got away knot it must be upsetting seeing your dm like this- but as you say, safer than at home. Please make the most of your freedom.

Last time the GP asked for an urgent referral for DM to be treated by the district nurses they took two months to arrive. That seems to be fairly typical here. So I know I shouldn't be doing it, but it's Hobson's choice.

Went for a swim last night - just locking my phone into the locker was bliss!

nota possibly the urgent referral was derailed by someone who said "it's not urgent, her daughter will go in and do it"?
In my experience, you understand.

I've been thinking about what someone said on here recently about the refusal to go into a care home, essentially meaning the daughter picks up the slack to afford the parent the illusion of independence.

I've been thinking about this too. I've never thought of it this way before but it is so true.

Hope those that have managed to get a break are having a relaxing time. I've booked 2 days away myself and my Dad is not that happy. He said he would look after himself if we went away. This is a bit of a test.

nota I'm very envious of your gym membership. My former in laws were DL members so we went as guest a few times. My particular favourite was swimming in the outdoor heated pool on Christmas Eve when it was snowing one year .

@MrsSchadenfreude How's your mum doing?

knot so glad you got to have your time away. This time next year I'll be in Yorkshire (touch wood)...can't come soon enough.

I've had a fairly productive couple of days having a massive sort out and chuck out at home.

Been at mum's since last night though and I'm really struggling with her. She's in floods of tears every five minutes (never sure whether it's loss of dad or the fact that L probably won't be back and had said she shouldn't message him anymore)...and I just can't seem to get through to her or do anything to help.

I feel so frustrated and helpless...and heartless because tbh I just feel so irritated by her when she's like that. She just will not do anything to help herself even though she's perfectly capable and can't bear not having people around even if she's not engaging with them. I'm the complete opposite and I am at a complete loss what to do with her.

A lot of her issue atm is anger and she keeps talking about how she can't understand why the doctors didn't do more to fix him. Also referring back to when we caring for him which is bringing stuff back to me that I'd much rather forget, largely about how she treated him.

She's very on top of housework etc but spends the rest of her time on YouTube watching videos about how to deal with narcissists (oh the irony) or on Facebook reading endless wanky quotes/psychobabble about loss and grief and spirituality which just upsets her even more.

Minty is there no friends or family she can have a short break with? It's something to take her out of the house and away from the associated memories. It's very early days for her, can you suggest some bereavement counselling for her, Cruse is supposed to be good. It's something else for her to think about and somewhere for her to go.

We had our meeting at the hospital yesterday - initially it was Social Services, the nurse, my cousin and myself. I told them how impossible it was for me to keep caring for mum and my cousin filled in the blanks. She is 15 years younger than me but talked about how much work it takes when mum has stayed with her in the past.

When they brought mum in she was so pleased to see my cousin she didn't even see me! We had already told them that my cousin was the Golden Child!

We have tried to emphasise to mum that this about the next step, not a final step, but as anticipated she was quite tearful. I was relieved that everyone - except mum of course - recognised that she is unable to live alone.

" I've been thinking about what someone said on here recently about the refusal to go into a care home, essentially meaning the daughter picks up the slack to afford the parent the illusion of independence."

I think I have done such a good job of this mum has no idea how very dependent she is.

On a positive note she did say briefly that she might be like her cousin who went into a home and found she was really happy against her expectations.

While we were with her my daughter rang so she spoke to mum and mum said to her "Oh darling, you make me sick!" What she meant was "Talking to you makes me home sick!"

There's a Cruse befriending group at the nearby community centre but they haven't reopened yet.

Have suggested phone counselling but she's not keen (partly because of her hearing), although she has called the GP this morning as there's someone there who apparently advises on this kind of thing, and they should call her back this afternoon.

I have suggested all other kinds of things but get

It's just not me
They're not really my sort of person
I can't do it on my own
I don't see how it will help

...and more hysterics.

There's no one that can have her to stay. Her friend that's been phoning regularly is unfortunately married to rather difficult character with his own issues. There's not really anyone else.

I feel like a complete bitch for getting so frustrated and being unsympathetic. Just wish I wasn't the only person dealing with it all.

Minty - My mother used to give very similar reasons for not going to bereavement counselling or not joining any of the many groups and classes nearby. Her arguments were always "it won't bring him back" or "I'll still have to come home to an empty house". She couldn't or wouldn't see that counselling might perhaps have helped her get through the early months (and near us, it's run as a group, so she'd have met other newly-bereaved people).

@MintyCedric and @TalesOfDrunkennessAndCruelty my Mum was the same re Cruse. She “didn’t want to talk to a load of old widows.” And she did nothing on her own, my Dad did absolutely everything, including drying her when she got out of the bath.

She got the Covid test yesterday, but hasn’t done it yet and was fretting about where to post it. The nearest special post box is about a mile away. I told her just to stick it in the nearest one as she can’t walk far. They don’t make this easy for old people.

MrsSchadenfreude - Yes (or should I say ja?) something else that my mother has not been able to adjust to is that there hasn't always been someone to step in to do the things that my father used to do.

My mum completely wore the trousers...managed the finances and the household, did the DIY, cooking, cleaning, gardening, driving and car maintenance.

My dad helped out with housework and gardening and was occasionally allowed into the kitchen to cook (mum hates cooking, he loved it but she wouldn't allow anyone to create any mess ).

She never lived alone so is basically just desperate for the presence of another person 24/7.

She keeps talking about getting a live in companion I assume the subtext there is 'if you won't move in with me I'll spend your inheritance. Honestly though I think that would drive her nuts.

She messaged someone on Widows Online Dating last night so perhaps he'll come up trumps...

Again, my mother talked at first about getting a live-in companion, but when it came to it, did nothing to make it happen. A lovely-sounding retired nurse had put a card in the newsagent’s window, offering to act as a daily companion/carer, but my mother refused even to call her. I think the key here can (sometimes) be separating what they say and what they mean. In my mother’s case, what she often means is that she’s lonely and wants more company, even though she rejects opportunities to meet people because they’re not the ‘right’ opportunities or the ‘right’ people.

DM: I'll need you to make an appointment with a chiropodist for me. Your brother spotted right away I need my feet looking at, he's so caring.

Me: Maybe he can make the appointment then?

DM: Don't be silly, he works.

@notaflyingmonkey I am so glad I am an only child!

I saw mum on Saturday and as expected she was so very miserable. She was complaining that she was missing my son's graduation "because I'm stuck in here". No, it's because we are going away without her. The family liaison team have suggested that we can Facetime her so we will do that from the university and she can chat to him in his gown.

I feel so sad for her - the lady I visit every week isn't my mum - my mum was always bright and friendly and never had a bad word to say to about anyone. Now she just complains that she is being treated badly by everyone. Everyone else has visitors all the time etc. No one speaks to her. The nurses don't come when she calls. She is so very lonely. Why did I make her go to hospital? We were managing fine as we were! Yes mum, so fine I ended up in A&E from the stress of it all!

Mum phoned before breakfast this morning to tell me she called the ambulance again after dad had yet another fall and they have taken him to hospital. I didn't ask what time but she told my SIL "this afternoon". Can't have been yesterday as we were there all afternoon so wehave no idea. She has since phoned DH twice to tell me that he is in hospital and that he us still in a&e and it's terrible he has been there so long. The most likely scenario is the paramedics got to the house about 6ish and its a 30 minute drive to the hospital so he has probably been there 3-4 hours by now.

On the plus side DH now realises how bad she gets when dad is in hospital. I'm pretty sure he thought I was exaggerating as she is always at her best for his infrequent visits.

Hope your DF is OK countrygirl

Hairbrush that sounds like progress! Your DM sounds like she's railing as a lot of people in her position do because they can't control their environment but it's the reality of the amount of care she needs and hopefully you'll be able to get a long-term care she can be OK with. It's necessary, regardless.

I'm still decompressing after the pandemic period with DM's needs being shouted at me from hundreds of miles away and me having to keep her in my head all the time and run down there on mercy missions. I'm still not used to not having to phone her three times a week and listen to the negative outpouring. I gave her a mobile in her care home but she gave it me back because she can't work it. The silence is bliss. I don't mind whether she wants to talk to me or not - I know she's safe and there are lots of people round her in a nice environment and I know she's capable of saying things are bad against all the evidence and I just don't want to hear it. She told me a couple of stories when I last visited which were untrue (I checked) and admitted one wasn't true when I offered to talk to the care home about it. Lordy.

I'm going down in a couple of weeks to stay for a while in the area so I can sort out some things which will take multiple visits to her. I'll propose to her that we have some sort of Facetime catch up (just one!) in-between monthly visits but a staff member will need to basically do it for her. She might not want to and that would be fine with me.

When I last saw her she seemed accepting, and at least I think she feels relief to have that level of care at the home, well, specifically that level of attention. I keep looking back and seeing how much effort I've made over the last couple of years especially and how it's been accepted by her as the very least I could do.

I'm in the middle of dealing with all the new things that need to be organised, one decision that looms is what to do with her house eventually. I'm keeping it ticking over, which isn't straightforward, but I haven't the energy to do anything else, at least I've got someone to help look after it.

My list of stuff to do aside from wrangle all her finances and bills and plod on with multiple registrations of the PoA with banks is to lug down a shoe-shop full of selections of old lady pods for her to try in the hope some fit, write to the oldies from the activity club who used to call her to tell them where she is now, get a selection of things together she might find useful at the home (photos, cushions, smellies) and contemplate taking her to visit her house in a taxi. I am slightly scared of this - I have nightmares of her plonking herself on the sofa and refusing to go back to the care home.

What's an "old lady pod"?

Yeah, I'd be scared of taking her to visit her house too. I've never taken Dad back to his.

I didn't try registering all the PoAs at once, only when needed. It seemed less daunting that way.

Dot I am deaf to all suggestions of going "home". When she was there she didn't recognise it as hers, she thought she was in a day centre and was ringing me up to complain about the lack of staff or for me to come and take her home. It was distressing for both of us but there's only one of us that remembers it now. I can't see what would be achieved by it, can't you have a trip out to a National Trust place instead? Tea and scones and no upset.

I'm also attempting to keep up with mum's garden, hampered by the garden waste collection being suspended due to covid. I stand on the pavement and decide which bits look worst and do those first.

MIL has finally chalked up enough falls (the last few during the night) for her to not be returning home from hospital. Since Easter she's had probably eight hospital admissions after falls totalling maybe seven weeks in hospital while they tweak her medication. This time she's being discharged to a care home for assessment. Personally I think this is about seven months overdue but what do I know? I'm hoping that she's in isolation for ten days because she might have calmed down by the time I get to see her.

Dad came home that evening after having a brain scan "as he was confused". No shit - he has stage 4 heart failure, confusion goes with the territory.
DB got a call tea time asking if he could pick him up as they couldn't arrange transport and was all ready to go. So DB dropped everything and drove 30 mins to the hospital only to have to wait an hour. He was raging as they managed to lose dad's shoes (due to oedema he has 1 pair that fit) and, despite him asking for help, had neither helped him get up to go to the loo or brought him a bottle so he had wet himself and then they just left him like that. We are seriously unimpressed with the hospital. Last time he was in I struggled to get a nurse to understand that my mum's dementia means she doesn't remember things so they need to talk to me or DB. It took all my willpower not to say "you are a nurse, if you can't understand this you aren't fit to do the job."

Ah, it's very instructive that you both say don't take DM to her house Dint and Knot. It's enough to make me knock that idea on the head. I suppose I thought I ought to as she said she wanted to and we did leave in such a hurry, she had no time to say goodbye, plus I'm staying there. But you're right, it won't do any good and I hadn't thought the practicalities through anyway. It's possible to kick all cans down the road 'because of Covid' at the moment anyway but a genuine issue is whether she could actually get in (she uses a frame, but left in a chair in a community ambulance - and she has come outside in a chair on most of my visits 'for safety' although she can walk some way). I will divert that topic. At some point I would like to take her to a nearby favourite spot for a short picnic or something (transport is complicated) but for now I hope we can sit in the (nice) grounds of the home where I have to be kitted up like some character in Handmaid's Tale. I won't try and rush anything but you're right, it's a bad idea to go home.

Dint maybe my family is the only one to call shoes, slippers etc. 'pods' .

I hope your MIL's situation gets better (for you too) Knot. I'm throwing (her) money at my DM's empty house: gardener, cleaner (insurance) and others keeping an eye while it does nothing - it'll have to be sold when I can get organised, probs not til next year though.

Countrygirl that's grim, I know hospitals are stretched but the neglect and poor communication are upsetting.