Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome into our newly refurbished cafe. We've got rid of the Bad Daughters' bench - it was getting too small - and refitted the main room as a Bad Daughters' room, with comfy sofas, coffee, chocolates and drinks of your choice. (There is a good daughters' room - go down that corridor there and you'll find it tucked behind the stairs. It's not yet been fully furnished - we haven't had a visit from a Good Daughter in I don't know how long).

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Good luck to you, Sandwich, for the start of treatment. I hope it goes smoothly and that you can keep up the self-preservation tactics afterwards.

I'm making slow but steady progress on various fronts: found a new care agency for DM after the old one gave us notice; put in application for sheltered flat, though we are not expecting to get lucky first time round; had a session with an antique dealer at the house to talk about probate valuations and eventual house clearance, and so on, but there is always more stuff adding itself to the list, including some major issues from lack of house maintenance/shoddy work by recent builders when my parents weren't really fit to keep a close eye on them.

But on the plus side, DM hasn't taken to the wine again (yet), and we've heard that she will be getting a very substantial widow's pension from late DF's pension fund, so it won't be a problem to pay for a posh sheltered flat, and eventually a care home if necessary.

Onwards, everyone.

Evening all...glad you've got some support in place @thesandwich...time to put yourself first for the foreseeable.

Huge row with mum this evening. After having a complete breakdown a fortnight ago re lack of communication from L between visits, and agreeing she needed to wean herself off him, the sun is now shining out of his arse once more.

She is redoing her will and left him some items which are not particularly valuable in themselves but he already has a similar collection to add them to.

To say I was not amused is an understatement, cue the usual 'I can't help how I feel/understand why you have a problem with the situation/it's nothing to do with you...etc...' rounded off by threatening to disinherit me and leave everything to him if I report him to the agency.

So that's nice.

...so my healthy 'being good to myself ' routine I've been working so hard on for the last year went to pot a bit.

It won't surprise you to read that I'm just about to pick up a substantial Maccy Ds and have wine chilling in the fridge for when I get home.

Minty Who would you want to play your DM in the play you will eventually write? I think that's the way too look at it. Do you remember the play Toast about Nigel Slater's life? Genuinely, you have the material to do something similar but very different. Still try to be good to yourself.

Patricia Routledge channelling Miriam Margolyes with a touch of Stephanie Cole would probably do it.

I'll be played by Reese Witherspoon channelling Kathy Bates.

Trying to get hold of GP surgery at the mo as my sick note has failed to turn up. After 12 calls this morning to an engaged tone I got through to no 7 in the queue. Took 20 minutes to reach no 1 and I'm still holding 25 minutes later but daren't hang up.

Pffft!

Kathy Burke...not Kathy Bates...😆

I'm halfway through Miriam Margolyes' autobiography... it's quite, um, enlightening.

Saw Miriam margolyes doing dickens women- brilliant!
minty your m is the gift that keeps on giving…..

@thesandwich

She's the gift I'd like to regift to someone else or donate to the church Christmas Fayre...

Patricia Routledge to play mine too.
Julia Roberts in her prime to play me!
I've read 'Toast' . It's incredibly moving and very well written.
Minty writing a play is a fabulous idea.

Love this. Mine would be played by Sian Phillips or Sheila Hancock with a touch of Dame Maggie Smith.
I’d like to be played by Meryl Streep in Mamma Mia. In my dreams.

Please write a play Minty, you write well.

Small rant if I may?

Along with many other people I'm having a bit of a crap year. I work full time and after a pandemic induced restructure at work, the promise of a reduction in workload to reflect my smaller team has failed to materialise. A complaint against my team made in January still has not been fully resolved despite being investigated and no fault attached to any individual person.

And, since January I have helped both children move, one twice because of an issue with her uni accommodation. I am knackered and I have no annual leave left.

MIL is going to be moving into a care home in around two weeks time. I have said several times to my DH that I will help but I am not taking any time off work (because I don't have any leave left to take) and I am not going to hire a van or move furniture nor am I going to clean my MILs flat because when she moved from her house to her flat I spent far too much of my time cleaning so it could go on the market. I would rather pay her cleaner to do a post move clean and pay for a man with a van to move the furniture.

She is moving in just over two weeks. Has my "d" h organised anything? No he bloody hasn't and he's just asked if I can take the day off to help.....

@Snowsquonk well the simple answer is 'no' isn't it? How bloody frustrating.

Have a virtual and a prematurely festive mince pie (I've been on the Christmas threads 🙂)!

Also how much help does he need?

Surely if he does it your way its one phone call to the cleaner and one to the removal guy?

@snowsquonk time to develop Teflon shoulders and perfect a gallic shrug.

Looking like we are going to have a rough few days here. DB lives near mum and carries most of the day to day burden. Last week he was round just about everyday fixing the central heating programme that mum "hadn't fiddled with" amongst other things. This week mum had an assessment at home re her alzheimers. I went along and DB joined in by video as he was feeling rough. You've probably already guessed, he tested positive the next day and so has SIL. DB looks after their drugs and doles them out weekly as dossette boxes were being emptied into an ornamental watering can (apparently by the fairies) and new lot due for tomorrow. DN was going to disinfect and take round - guess what! Yep, positive test today. So now I have to drive up after work and sort it out. Should be home around 10.

Bloody hell...if ever there was a scenario that made me glad that I'm only round the corner!

I had to sellotape the flap shut on mum's central heating controls as the ON/OFF (so labelled) button was harder to use than turning the water and heating off for all time. I suspect it being a white button on a white background in the darkest part of the house was originally the issue, the slider for switching the system off was grey so easier to see.

Countrygirl I am really sorry, I hope your family is up and about quickly. I know I had no back up plan for being sick. There simply wasn't anyone else.

Snowsquonk the answer is no, you can't take time off. Full stop. He's got two weeks to sort something out, I'm sure he will manage. If all else fails then he can take some time off to do it himself.

Mine had managed to set her central heating controller to give all the days in Italian. No idea how she managed it.

Mine had managed to set her central heating controller to give all the days in Italian. No idea how she managed it.

Sorry, but just laughed out loud at this. MIL does such bizarre things to her all gadgets it wouldn't surprise me if one day she managed to hack into the CIA by mistake.

We have had a quiet week or so (although you are always on edge waiting for shit to kick off) but we were summoned early on to reveal where we had hidden her diary. DH went over to be shouted at to find a very nice woman from adult social care who was there to do an assessment.

She rang us later to swap notes and was very understanding. She said she was shocked at how angry and abusive MiL was towards DH and how calmly he handled it. She doesn't think social care can help much at the moment (which we agree with) but is going to speak to the GP and the dementia are team to report on MILs extreme paranoia and anger, and suggest medication to 'take the edge' off it.

It's been a tiring day (we have had lots of calls since then) but it has helped that someone from an outside agency has witnessed what we have to go through.

I was talking to a friend who was in hospital recently and she said there was an old woman with Alzheimer's on the ward. The woman's daughter was her carer and had had a heart attack, and there was no where else for this woman to go.

The daughter was 53! She was looking after her DM as well as her own family. As I stood in the kitchen this morning pouring my first cup of tea and listening to MIL ranting and raving on the phone calling us thieves (we have stolen 3 jacket potatoes ) and liars, I could sympathise.

Look after yourself @thesandwich and take no unnecessary crap. I hope your treatment is not too gruelling.

Heart attack at 53, jeez.

@notaflyingmonkey

Heart attack at 53, jeez.

Friend of mine had promised himself he’d give up smoking at 50. Heart attack at 48 brought the date forward a little.

Thanks tonton I appreciate it.
Feel a bit of a fraud at the mo as I feel healthy but know surgery is next week and am squeezing in as many outside coffees with friends before isolating. Sorry I’ve not had chance to respond to everyone. You are all going through so much.
It’s taken this to make me refocus. Please protect yourselves, my cockroach friends. We matter.

I suspect it being a white button on a white background in the darkest part of the house was originally the issue, the slider for switching the system off was grey so easier to see. My dad wanted me to get him some new trousers, and, most out of character, chose sand rather than navy ‘because if I drop them on the floor they’ll be easier to see against a red carpet.’ It seems declining visual perception is a thing for people with age related cognitive decline

@thesandwich I'm so sorry to read of your diagnosis. Please do take care of yourself and all good wishes for your treatment.

To everyone else, I am in awe of your ability to laugh at the randomness of it all. My school has organised flu jabs for the over 50s/clinically vulnerable at the local pharmacy to school. It was my day off so I went, taking my dad. The very nice young pharmacist managed to slot both of us in then we went for a ride on a restored tram, something I did with my dad years ago. We had a wander along the promenade at the beach, had some lunch at a cafe then went back to the tram & eventually came home. Dad is delighted as he loved the day. But he is getting distinctly more muddled and keeps wanting to go back home (230 miles away). I have told him I can take him over half term for a short visit but although it's draining, he is almost certainly better off with me. My fruitloop sister has not replied to any message since I told her that the earth is shaped like a satsuma & not a plate. No point arguing with stupid - dad at least talks sense some of the time...

I'm a newbie.... just found this thread and am really not sure whether to whoop and shout knowing it's not just me living this nightmare..... or cry thinking this is going to get even more shit.

My Dad is an insulin diabetic, is 82, losing his sight, has rheumatoid arthritis so is in chronic pain, and drinks too much in a nutshell. Tonight I've had 3 phone calls so far, all ranting about BT as his TV box isn't working properly. He's been trying to ring them for 2 hours but keeps getting transferred to the Police apparently. Nothing to do with the bottle of wine he's probably had, his phone being too small to see the display on and his fingers not working properly.

I've just unplugged the phone and put my mobile on silent.

And feeling really guilty about it

Got to mum and dad's and the blast of heat as I walked through the door was like getting off the plane into a tropical heatwave. But they were still faffing around and fretting that the radiators weren't very warm. It took quite a while to convince them thst was because it was already so damned hot in there. I had dtripped fown to a tshirt and was still breaking out in a sweat. Not sure they actually believed me ot just wanted to shut me up.