Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome into our newly refurbished cafe. We've got rid of the Bad Daughters' bench - it was getting too small - and refitted the main room as a Bad Daughters' room, with comfy sofas, coffee, chocolates and drinks of your choice. (There is a good daughters' room - go down that corridor there and you'll find it tucked behind the stairs. It's not yet been fully furnished - we haven't had a visit from a Good Daughter in I don't know how long).

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@BrilloPaddy

Don't feel guilty. My mum always calls my landline...I've got a retro style (but newish) phone with manual proper dial. The other day it kept chirruping randomly.

I have a new digital phone now, but I unplugged the landline for 4 days before I got round to replacing it. She can call my mobile in an emergency.

@BrilloPaddy Welcome! No need to feel guilty. But when you’re ready to face it all again, you could see about getting him a “big button” phone. (And sympathise with him about how modern phones all have such fiddly buttons and unreadable displays)

But we can't shoulder the responsibility for them and their actions 24/7, can't we? DM told me recently that one of her neighbours called round to say that DM phoned them in the early hours. DM denies it. I chalked it up to being outside of my remit, and therefore not one for my to do list.

My mother keeps 'accidentally' calling L.

She'll be mooning over old messages on FB Messenger then hit the call button...how accidental it is I've no idea although she seems to have manged not to so it since he told her he'd have to block her if it kep happening.

She also 'accidentally' called me at nearly midnight last night .

Naturally she can never understand how or why she has done anything even though she is 'completely with it' and 'pretty good with technology for my age'..

We woke up this morning to 9 messages on the landline complaining that she couldn't leave a message because there was no beep .
She also made several snide comments about the fact that we weren't up - it was 6.50!

That's why you have to turn off the phone and don't even feel remotely guilty about it, although I admit it's much easier to tell others to do this than it is to do it yourself.

Tonton that's so grim. I am really glad that a professional saw something of the problem.

Maybe I shouldn't say this but I feel quite glad that my mum will probably never phone me again.

Neither mum nor MIL have easy access to a phone now, they can call but they'd need to ask at the office. After having been on daily phone duty from 7am - 10pm with the same question six times in an hour the silence now is bliss. Enough time has passed that I don't get jumpy when the phone rings and I don't feel dread when the answering machine is flashing with a message.

Tonton I hope that the doctor comes up trumps with the medication. I wish mum had taken the anti-anxiety stuff years ago because it would have improved the quality of her life (and mine) massively. I've suggested it several times in the past but she refused to consider that she had any problems with anxiety (clue - leaping immediately to a catastrophe in any situation is not usual).

...leaping immediately to a catastrophe in any situation is not usual.

Please let my mum know.

Call about a couple of hours ago. Her foot was gushing blood and wouldn't stop so she was going to call 111.

Fine, I say, I'll just tidy up the job I'm in the middle of and get dressed so I'm standby if they send paramedics or I need to take you to OOH...call me and let me know what's happening. She was prescribed ABs yesterday as she has a weird skin thing going on on her legs so with her being diabetic I'm thinking cellulitis....sepsis etc.

Half an hour later, tidied up and dressed, no call so set off round there.

She couldn't get through to anyone on 111 and the bleeding had stopped but naturally didn't think to call and let me know....oh, and what had actually happened and that she'd also failed to mention is that she'd stubbed her toe last night and knocked the blood blister that had formed off.

I'm absolutely certain it all had nothing to do with her having not seen anyone in person for a whole whole 36 hours and wanting to whine about L not having been in touch...again .

My mum went to a nursing home 36 hours ago for an assessment/rehab placement and has fallen and hurt her hip, maybe broken it. Back into hospital. And despite all efforts they're still calling my semifunctioning landline instead of the mobile. Argh.

The comment about the tropical heat made me laugh - that's my Dad. He rants like a madman about his gas bill but the thermostat in his hallway is set to 26c. It makes me feel really ill whenever I go there, and I have to wear a thin t shirt. He's sat with a fleece on, muttering it's a cold day...........

I can't seem to extricate myself from all of the 'stuff'. My health has not been good for a while now, but even on holiday I am expected to deal with it all. I think we are moving towards a care home being inevitable.

Hi all. Sorry to hear all the challenges folk are dealing with.
nota sorry you didn’t escape stuff on holiday. Care home seems the best solution. Protect yourself. 🌺🌺

Watching the dementia documentary it was apparent that the carers were getting really desperate. More so than the people with dementia in some ways.

I got shouted at this week when I suggested carers. I pointed out I'd just been told DM had struggled for hours to get dressed. She was very unhappy with me but after weeks of been told to get a grip, I wasn't in the mood to be yelled at...

Blimey, this is rubbish, isn’t it?

@thesandwich - I’m so sorry to hear about your diagnosis, and your messages of “protect yourself” are really valuable - thank you

I was diagnosed with vulval cancer, probably at the peak of my crises with DM. It does make you better at saying no to things. But I look back now to how I was 2 years ago, and even despite the cancer and the crises I was so much more resilient than I am now.

Back at DM’s house today, putting more things in boxes. But I’m very near the point of giving up and getting house clearers in. I realised today I was getting stressed at the prospect of “letting people down” in how I deal with this stuff, which is my normal anxiety trigger. But who? Not DM, who has no use for this stuff any more, or Dsis, who really doesn’t care. I think it’s the weight of family history, which is bloody stupid as I’m the only one who cares about that too.

So I gave up and went for a nice walk instead

Thank you toofarout means a lot. I’m sorry to hear you’ve lost some of your resilience. And I’m so glad you went for a walk.
I’m considering counselling via a local breast cancer charity…. Think I might need it.
With house sorting- could you use the Marie kondo idea of what sparks joy for you? Or get packers to box stuff up and apse if you miss it? Outsource everything.
Dh and siblings had to clear his dps house while fil was still alive in care.
Got through via hiring a skip and humour…… hiding the ghastliness ornaments in each others keep boxes…

@thesandwich absolutely - get access to counselling if you can. My lovely counsellor once sat there after about 40 minutes of me downloading (mainly about DM but other stuff too), and said “toofar, do I get the feeling that your cancer diagnosis is the least of your problems?”

My DF is very good at getting rid of stuff, although he does try to give me quite a lot of stuff I don't want , so there won't be too much clearing out there when the time comes.

I think a big clear out is a lot easier when there is more than one of you. When we moved MIL out of the big family home 5 years ago we just had our two cars, back seats down, backs open, and we filled one with stuff for the charity shop and one for the tip, then set off in different directions, and returned empty for the next loads.

However, it comes to the point when you give up sorting through it all, piece by piece, and just want rid. Another good way is see if you can book a charity shop pick up. We booked one and had a load of stuff ready for them, but when they arrived they had a rummage around and took loads of other stuff too.

Someone I know set up a charity to help out people who have been given social housing but who have nothing at all to put in it. She will take all sorts and either pass it on to clients or sell it to raise funds. She is based in Truro, if that helps anyone, but there might be similar organisations locally to you who will take all sorts of stuff.

TonTon our local food bank is run by an evangelical church and they also take furniture and household equipment for people who literally have nothing.

DM stands within a foot of me to scrunitise anything that I do, such as sorting cupboards, and will complain bitterly if I throw things out. She seems to be suspicious of me trying to steal the family silver or something. It makes it so hard to keep on top of things in her house.

I'm refusing to clean or sort at my DMs because I get moaned at for months or years after & accused of throwing things out.

Hello all. I am back from my break with Teflon fully re applied Roasted a chicken and am now happily consuming it, with the log burner and my cats all providing a comforting presence.

Came back to a pile of paperwork relating to mother's finances and just took a deep breath and ploughed through it. Nothing actually needs doing, or deciding, thankfully. I will book a visit for next weekend. I've just realised it's been some weeks longer than I thought since the last one!

Re house clearance. This was down to me single handedly.It wasn't a cluttered house but there was a fair amount of stuff. I hired a house clearance company and they sorted it all in a day. Better bits of furniture were collected by the British Heart Foundation. There was very little that was to my taste, ( apart from the odd thing I found and thought 'oh that's nice! Then realised I'd given it as a present! ' ) so I kept little. Papers and photographs and slides I largely rescued.

It was nevertheless melancholy and somewhat traumatic and there are one or two things I wish I had kept, but at the end of the day, it's just stuff.

As it was a bit of a Stately Homes situation, although I dealt with the practicalities, processing it has taken a lot longer - still going on I think over two years later. It really stirred the silt in the bottom of the pond, if you see what I mean.

@thesandwich - counselling sounds a very sensible idea. I've found it's important you like the person so if the first person or organisation doesn't feel thé right fit, and you feel up to it, do look further.

It's always good to learn new techniques for the application ( and removal as necessary) of the Teflon, and help in processing the big stuff - whether it's cancer-related or not, isn't it.

@BrilloPaddy

The comment about the tropical heat made me laugh - that's my Dad. He rants like a madman about his gas bill but the thermostat in his hallway is set to 26c. It makes me feel really ill whenever I go there, and I have to wear a thin t shirt. He's sat with a fleece on, muttering it's a cold day...........

If you’re less active, your metabolism slows and you feel the cold more. I notice it now I’m slowing down a bit.

Luckily my aim not to switch the heating on till at least mid October has been given a boost by the central heating pump having packed up (DH insisted on testing it before we needed it for real)

@PermanentTemporary sorry to hear what you’re going through

Dint I had my pump saga before the heating went off, it was scary because it was stuck and running constantly. It was very hot before I found it and I was convinced the house was going to burn down (I used to catastrophize just as much as mum but I'm a bit better now). I'm currently in a compromise where I put the heating on when my son is home from uni and turn it off when it's just me. I try to hold out until the clocks change.

When I was speaking to the insurer about mum's house being empty, it's a condition that the heating be on from November.

Glad to hear about the Teflon @Words and I'm interested to read house clearing experiences.

I try to hold out until the clocks change.That's a good suggestion! More definite than the vague "middle of October.

Ours is coming on, then cutting out when the water gets too hot (because it's not circulating, so it's the same bit being heated), waiting till it cools itself down, then coming on again.

Our "empty house" insurance gave a choice - either the heating is on sufficient to keep the house at 15%, or the water is turned off and the system drained.