Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome into our newly refurbished cafe. We've got rid of the Bad Daughters' bench - it was getting too small - and refitted the main room as a Bad Daughters' room, with comfy sofas, coffee, chocolates and drinks of your choice. (There is a good daughters' room - go down that corridor there and you'll find it tucked behind the stairs. It's not yet been fully furnished - we haven't had a visit from a Good Daughter in I don't know how long).

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere

You don't stop worrying about them just because they're not your direct responsibility.

It's great that you're allowed in to visit though...we weren't even allowed to do that when dad went in.
Luckily he was on the ground floor at the front of the building so I'd go for a walk in the fields beyond the home every few days and stop and knock on his window and wave. On one occasion the manager was in there and opened the window so we could have a quick chat .

With everything that is going on for the rest of you I feel quite a fraud still being here. If you’re a fraud, I’m an even bigger one. This place would be pretty miserable if the only people allowed in were those struggling so much they didn’t have time for anyone else’s problems! We need advice from people that have been there before, and good news stories to keep us all hopeful, and just people who are happy to listen.

Well said dint. Your experiences are so valuable to others.
Update from me, as anticipated I have been diagnosed with breast cancer, which is treatable and will involve surgery next week and then poss chemo/ radio therapy. Nhs has been wonderful and I feel positive with great support. Of course there are shit times ahead but I feel positive.
And it is having its silver linings- dm is moaning to me less, I feel less guilty about swanning around and letting the carers care, at least one sib has stepped up, and I am starting to put my needs first. It seems to be what it took, if that makes sense. I won’t fill this thread with the big c but appreciate the support from you folk.

Sorry to hear your news Sandwich I hope that you are able to step back from DM and let others step up - now and forever.

Sandwich I am sorry to hear your news. How many times have I said that it takes a crisis for something to change, usually here it's a parental crisis and not our own. It is time to focus on yourself because if you don't do it, who else can?

Thank you not and knot I appreciate it.🌺🌺

So sorry, Sandwich. Good that it can be treated, sorry that you’re having to go through that. Look after yourself and don’t refuse any offers of help.

I’m in a trial of breast screening - whether it’s more effective to base screening frequency on personal risk of cancer. I had to drive 45mins across the city to spit in a plastic test tube. If the trial is a success, it will mean those most at risk will be screened more often, and those a low risk will be screened less and have less risk of the unnecessary further procedures and worry after a false positive.

Thanks dint trial sounds interesting…. Talking to staff about last year they said that routine screening was paused as not wanting to bring healthy people into a risk environment. Now are seeing more referrals as lumps being found.
This has certainly strengthened the Teflon coating. So sad that this is what it takes……
Take heed, fellow cafe regulars!! Don’t wait for your crisis.

Sorry to hear your news sandwich.

Do take care of yourself and best of luck with the treatment.

A close friend of mine had it 6 years ago, a year before we met. She had surgery and chemo and has been clear ever since.

Yep, my friend had an aggressive breast cancer a few years ago and she had treatment & is now really good. In some ways better. A tough road tho.

The long-running thread in General Health is very helpful.

So sorry to hear your news, sandwich. I hope the treatment isn't too gruelling.

Thank you all 🌺🌺

My goodness sandwich, what a thing to deal with. Best wishes for your focus and for getting through treatment ok.

Sandwich show the big C your Teflon coating and tell it that it can take its Attendance Allowance and do one. Keep your humour as it’s a great strength.

Sorry to hear your nex Sandwich

Thanks permanent and mum
It’s very strange how people show their colours…. Most friends amazing, one or two absent, many acquaintances so supportive and helpful.
Some offering to visit dm! And siblings….. one brill, two……. Weeelllll….
Really appreciate the support here.

This is the time when people will offer halp, when the news is raw and fresh. Recruit those vistors now. In my own crisis I didn't want thoughts and prayers so much as I wanted someone to help me clean out the garage. I could manage tea and tears on my own, what I needed was someone to help me with things that I couldn't do alone. The thing is, people aren't mind readers and you have to tell them what it is that you would find helpful. If you've been used to putting yourself last it's not that easy to say what you want.

Thanks knot. Wise words.

Sorry to hear your news @thesandwich. I do hope your surgery goes well and your treatment is bearable. My close friend has just finished chemo after lumpectomy and she found it much easier to deal with than she imagined. Take care of yourself and let everyone else take over care of dm.

Week two of being on holiday and I seem to have de-stressed enough to try and deal with some of the stuff I need to sort for DM that I was finding overwhelming - finding a new gardener, someone to fit a gas fire, etc.

Nota I've found that these things come in their own time and (if you can) it's easier to wait and tackle them when you are ready. I've spent months not being able to face dealing with banks and the LPA so I didn't. I have a joint account with mum and there was enough in there to pay care fees so I had the luxury of being able to wait until I'd wound down enough to deal with it.

The loss in mum's language is really marked now, she's not put a coherent sentence together in months. Now just about all the words are random, the saving grace is that there's no frustration, she doesn't know that the words she's saying are the wrong ones. I am finding visiting difficult but it's only a couple of hours a week and the rest of my life is blissful so I'll keep on.

Just checking in to the cafe from afar.

Will be thinking of you next week @thesandwich. So very glad your mother is being ok about it all. Let others step up now regarding her care!

Quick update from me: had a phone call last week from the home to say mother had been found unresponsive ( which seems to mean anything from hard to rouse to not dead but nearly) with low sats and low bp and a raised temperature. Was taken to hospital and there followed 48 hours of radio silence as no one updated me and couldn't get through either to the ward or the hospital switchboard. Eventually she was moved and communication with the nursing staff established. All now seems resolved and she is back at the home.

This coincided with a couple of other stressors ( doesn't it always!) and so my healthy 'being good to myself ' routine I've been working so hard on for the last year went to pot a bit.

I've realised that even now, with my mother's daily needs thankfully no longer my responsibility; and the pandemic giving me a breathing space and opportunity to re set the visiting expectations from weekly to at least monthly - I still seem to lack emotional resilience when it comes to anything to do with her, and it can become a bit of a downward spiral. I really wish it didn't!

I know what you mean Words. No matter how much you have put in place to provide support, the veneer of Teflon is often very thin.

not it does seem overwhelming at times. After DF died we realised that they hadn’t spent money maintaining the house for years and there were lots of big and little jobs needing doing. And one thing seemed to lead to another. I still need to sort out a plasterer for the kitchen ceiling after they ignored a leaking flat roof for years. We’ve sorted the roof itself, several windows and doors, had the gas fire repaired at least 3 times, replaced the cooker. And none of these jobs are simple because everything is outdated now and replacing breaks some regulation or other. I dread the gas fire breaking again because it is integral to the boiler and the whole thing will need to be replaced.
It is never ending.

I spent 5 hours yesterday in minor injuries because DM had a fall in the garden. A hip and an ankle X-ray showed nothing damaged fortunately though she is sore. She forgot to press her lifeline button and crawled up the garden path to the house and only told me the following day because she was in pain. And to get her to take painkillers is such a battle. MIU were excellent though and did a full check of her BP and an ECG and have referred her to OT and written to her GP.

thesandwich look after yourself

Thank you all. I completely get the fragility of the Teflon veneer…. So far it’s holding but I know too well how that one call could make it crumble…… and how all the good will of others could melt.
nota so glad you’ve had a break.
best hope your dm is on the mend. And that burden of things to fix…..
I’m busy compiling a list of things for dm while I’m out of action/ isolating- it’s everything from paying the papers/ milkman/ watering plants/ ordering meds/ filling fridge/ cupboards etc etc…….
Oh and add all the finding birthday cards etc etc……….
Ooh yes and the gas boiler needs servicing……..