Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome into our newly refurbished cafe. We've got rid of the Bad Daughters' bench - it was getting too small - and refitted the main room as a Bad Daughters' room, with comfy sofas, coffee, chocolates and drinks of your choice. (There is a good daughters' room - go down that corridor there and you'll find it tucked behind the stairs. It's not yet been fully furnished - we haven't had a visit from a Good Daughter in I don't know how long).

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Checking in as I dropped off this thread ages ago.

Minty I followed your story and just want to say well done and go for it.

The house clearing up thread resonates too. DM has Alzheimer’s but is coping well atm and living independently. Her mobility is another issue though so we’ve moved everything downstairs. Upstairs and the attic are crammed with 60 years worth of accumulated stuff though so I need to get on with sorting stuff including Dad’s clothes which are still in the wardrobe over a year after he died. DM won’t even look at them.

Thanks all .

Death seems to have that effect on me.

My 'first love' died 6 years ago at 39 - I wasn't directly in contact with him but his parents had become family friends.

It was his death that gave me the kick up the arse I needed to end my marriage. Now dad's death had given me the boot I needed to re-think my career.

I still haven't told mum I'm signed off .

I’ve recently gone part time Minty and haven’t told my mum either!

minty she doesn’t need to know….

Hahaha...so glad it's not just me!!

I haven't cleared my husband's wardrobe, it's been four years but I just can't. I have some sympathy with mum keeping all dad's stuff for close to twenty years but I'm not convinced that she could name her late husband, she is so disconnected from the past now. It's on my list, after I've done with pans and cake tins. We did the cake tin transfer about ten years ago so I already know that I have everything that I'm going to use.

Minty I just had a fortnight off and kept quiet about it.
Latest fun and games is covid booster jab. Mum and dad live in the same house and are both registered with the only GP in town. Both have received invites for the booster jab. Mum is being offered 2 dates at the weekend in one nearby town. Dad is only being offered weekdays in a further away town in the opposite direction. Go figure!

Sorry have been Missing in Action. Mum has moved into the home and has settled well. The matron has told me that if I come by public transport to ring from the bus stop and they will send someone to pick me up because it's a long walk, in the middle of nowhere with no pavement.

Mum is currently in quarantine in a temporary room but will move to a room next door to an old friend that she hasn't seen for years. Hopefully they will know each other and pick up where they left off.

I will message you Minty to see if anything of my experience is of use for your piece.

@Knotaknitter

I haven't cleared my husband's wardrobe, it's been four years but I just can't. I have some sympathy with mum keeping all dad's stuff for close to twenty years but I'm not convinced that she could name her late husband, she is so disconnected from the past now. It's on my list, after I've done with pans and cake tins. We did the cake tin transfer about ten years ago so I already know that I have everything that I'm going to use.

I had to get rid of most of my husband's clothes and stuff within weeks of his death, as I had to pack up everything and move countries with the DC. It was probably good that I was forced to do that, as 15 years on I still haven't tackled a lot of the more sentimental stuff like all his old photographs and school books and letters that had been left in storage in the UK.

DM is not exactly keen on clearing and selling the house and moving into sheltered housing, but she knows it is the only sensible thing to do, so she says she will not put up any objections. She is, however, worrying about what to do with all the stuff, wondering who might take what object, sad that probably no one in the family will want or have space for the old dresser that belonged to her great-grandparents and so on. I am trying to refocus her on the more positive task of selecting what items she would like to take with her.

Well I buggered off on holiday. So not only will my name be mud for the duration, but it was for every visit in the preceding month or so as DM thought I had already been away and was annoyed that I had 'finally turned up' because she'd seen nobody etc. Apart from me, every other day, the carer every day, etc. So no doubt it will be more of the same when I get back, so pass the gin please someone.

Hairbrush I am really happy to hear that she's moved and hopefully will be able to pick up an old friendship.

I've been to see MIL today. My suspicion is water infection because she's more confused than is usual for her. I went an hour after lunchtime and her lunch plate was on her trolley, her breakfast plate and cup were on the side table. She's not left her room today because she thinks they are all going to laugh at her. There were dark mutterings about "that woman who hit me". Her daughter tells me she's happy and settled but I'm not seeing it myself. It really is quite depressing.

I’m sad that so many of the family heirlooms won’t be wanted. So I’m trying to get as much use out of them as possible. Fortunately we haven’t got any furniture to hand down so I stand a b

…..better chance

There is light on the horizon - DIL admired the 1920s lampshade in the kitchen, so maybe that’ll find a home

Just wanted to share a positive thing for once. I spoke with DM’s Deprivation of Liberty assessor and she was so lovely and kind. I explained that although mum says she wants to go home it really isn’t an option and we’re selling the house. She said :”it’s ok - you’re doing the right thing”

Just to have someone say that to me makes such a difference

@Toofaroutallmylife that's really nice. BiL has a DoL that DH has to sort out and he said that all the assessors he has encountered have been lovely and understanding.

Hugs to all in need. Sorry to have vanished this week. I did some extra teaching on my day off and am ready for gin. My mum died 24 years ago today; she was only 54, so I am going to cook pizzas and eat with DH and my dad. DF has spent part of the day strimming, something he really enjoys so at least our garden is looking barer neater.

That's really nice to hear Toofar.

I'll join the positives today - the occupational therapist who's seeing my mum in hospital rang today and she was just lovely and so helpful. Still too early to make definite plans but we have an outline plan A for discharge which we both think will work.

DM's birthday is today. DD had been trying to call her to tell her she would take her out somewhere for lunch, or coffee or a garden centre. No answer so she went over armed with cards and presents and it turns out she had unplugged her phone, and complained that everyone had forgotten her and her birthday, and therefore she wasn't going out (I've been away a week). DD is remarkably immune to these things though, so just said ok to her.

Sorry, I seem to have killed the thread with my moaning.

I doubt that, I think we must be busy Doing Stuff. I have been over to the house this morning and filled the garden waste bin by pruning a tree. I haven't finished yet but the bin is full so the rest can stay up the tree until the bin has been emptied again.

I seem to have reached a halt in mum's admin, I started off with a long list of things that needed doing and I'm just about at the end of it. It's been many years since I only had my own stuff to deal with, I refuse to be drawn into the in-law's drama because MIL has actual family that could deal with it. They don't want to do it? No, me neither.

@notaflyingmonkey has your mum recovered from her fit of pique yet?

I'm just struggling on and off at the moment. Very grateful to not have to return to work.

It took me three hours to get myself together to go to Tesco yesterday as I've become a bit of hermit since the panic attack. I'm fine once I'm out but have to really force myself through the door to start with.

Otherwise I've done some crafting this weekend. I bought myself lots of goodies by way of art therapy when I was signed off so have been playing about with acrylic resin and polymer clay.

Mum's had a bit of a breakdown this weekend as she's not seen anyone since (gasp!) Thursday night, and the carer hasn't replied to her message of yesterday morning 🙄.

I want to help her but she really doesn't help herself and I don't know where to start...every idea I suggest is rejected.

The rejection of every sensible idea or suggestion really gets me down. I find it so tiring. Really feel for you on that front.

I've got a couple of weeks pootling up and down to take mum to things, as her usual help is laid up too.

I still haven't come clean about my sick leave ...

Went up to see mum and dad yesterday afternoon. Mum apologised for the stale biscuits as she hasn't been to the supermarket for about 4 weeks. Except I took her 2 weeks ago and DB took her earlier this week. At least the gas boiler was still switched on so that was a bonus.

We went to see Mum on Saturday. She was so, so down. Unfortunately because she has come from a hospital, not a private house, she has to stay in isolation and it is breaking her heart. We were with her an hour and she had cheered up no end by the time we left.

My cousin decided that she would visit every day until mum is out of isolation (this cousin is the best support you could imagine) so we went back yesterday morning and she was brightened up so quickly. While she was using the commode we were chatting to the carers who said she was very disturbed after our visit the day before, constantly pressing her buzzer "needs the toilet/feeling lonely/can you turn the tv on" - all the calls I used to get from her!

The nurse in charge said that they are going to talk to the matron and see if there is any lee way to get her out of isolation early as she really is struggling to cope.

We are going to see her again this evening and will be taking some audio books and a cd player.

With everything that is going on for the rest of you I feel quite a fraud still being here. You are all so lovely.