Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome into our newly refurbished cafe. We've got rid of the Bad Daughters' bench - it was getting too small - and refitted the main room as a Bad Daughters' room, with comfy sofas, coffee, chocolates and drinks of your choice. (There is a good daughters' room - go down that corridor there and you'll find it tucked behind the stairs. It's not yet been fully furnished - we haven't had a visit from a Good Daughter in I don't know how long).

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@freshcarnation

No idea what the green face was about

Make myself as distant as an alien

Oh Sinister that sounds just like how I've felt for the last couple of years...I'm so sorry.

I put up with a lot more shit than I might otherwise have done because of Dad, so now he's no longer with us I don't have that factor to consider so much.

How old is your mum? Mine is 82 and definitely prefers men to women. She lost her dad, whom she idolised, at the age of 13 and I think she's spent her entire life hoping to find someone to fill his shoes, and being constantly embittered and disappointed that it hasn't happened.

May I join? I've been lurking on these threads for a while, as my mother and MIL both got older and frailer, but now things are coming to a crunch with both of them. DM (physically not in a great state, has a stairlift at home, walks with a stick) has just been diagnosed as being in the early stages of dementia. We signed off the lasting power of attorney this weekend, thankfully. MIL has vascular dementia, diagnosed a couple of years ago. MIL now really needs full-time care, but still has capacity and is refusing to consider either a live-in carer or a care home. I'm staying out of the discussions, but BIL and DH are tearing their hair.

The frustrating thing is that we've got both of them at the same time. MIL is 20 years older than DM, we ought at least to have had this in sequence rather than simultaneously and 400 miles apart. But DH's family is long-lived and mine is not.

Meanwhile, I have a full-time job, and DD started secondary school this autumn so needs quite a lot from me. But this thread is a reminder that things could be worse; at least neither of them (yet) thinks we mean them any harm, and all of us - DH, BIL, me and DSis - are in agreement about what ideally ought to happen.

The frustrating thing is that we've got both of them at the same time

TBH I'm not sure that it's not best to get it all over in one hit. It's hugely stressful dealing with it all, I'm not sure it's better for it to drag on.

Sympathise very much with your DH and BIL, we are in that position with MIL who absolutely refuses to acknowledge she needs help.

houseclearing - I have no problem with "rubbish". I'm even OK with back numbers of magazines. "Papers" is more of a problem, and there's boxes and boxes of them - lots of pages relating to the many protest causes he was involved in. Even though he'll probably never ask for him again. And my mothers' clothes that he's kept for 30 years - I can't throw those out yet. And that's before I've even started on furniture and furnishings.

I've also got a problem with charity DDs that he wanted me to keep going, it's not likely to impact on care home fees since no-one is expecting him to go on for more that about a year, but neither is it strictly "for his benefit", except he would be distressed if he knew I had got rid of them. Cancelling memberships of organisations is easier (fortunately two of them have made him an honorary life member so no problem there).

knot have you solved the problem of no signature?

Sinister that's not really what people are saying. Of course you matter. But remembering "it's the dementia" is how you stop it hurting. No-one's saying that you have to stay and be hurt. They're saying if you want to stay (because you feel it's your duty, because you love the person they once were or whatever), this may help it not hurt.

It works for a lot of us and that is why I and others share it.

But if this doesn't work for you, it doesn't. And no-one would say you had to put up with it.

Dint I am not giving the lack of signature a moment's thought. She's done the best she can, the finance PoA is going back in the same envelope and I'm sure they have something in place for people who can't sign. The ball will be in their court. I would have thought that you are fine continuing charitable donations where he had a history of making them when he had capacity, providing that the amount is reasonable (the guidance goes on about reasonableness). It doesn't have to be for his benefit, you are doing what he would be doing if he was able to do so.

I have today cut my grass, mum's lawn, filled her bin with stuff she would never miss (including the boxes of things she hasn't owned in years) and started cutting back brambles. They went straight through my leather gardening gloves, I was bleeding and unimpressed. I am now done with daughtering for today and it is still such a relief to be able to say that.

Just to say Meredint that my cousin is managing his aunt's affairs and has said he aims to continue her established 'patterns of giving' as she had several causes close to her heart. So if there's no detriment to his care, I think there would be every reason to continue the DDs.

Thank you knot and perm, that’s really helpful.

It doesn't have to be for his benefit, you are doing what he would be doing if he was able to do so. Yes, that’s a good way of looking at it - it puts it on a par with continuing to give birthday presents.

Thanks for the welcome back! Sorry lots of other people are going through the house sorting trauma. My mum has so much stuff I’m going to put quite a lot in storage and sort it later.

Oh, I could cry! We’re trying to move mum to a different care home. Where she is now is really difficult to get to, which cuts down on the visitors she can have. There is another care home in the chain which has a vacancy and could meet her needs, which is in the same town where her brother lives. If she were there I could also probably rally some of her old friends from church to visit.

But she consistently says she doesn’t want to move “because it’s an old people’s home”. The social worker went to see her last week to discuss the move, and is now having to speak to her manager because mum (predictably) told her she didn’t want to go. All she wants to do is “go home”, which is just not an option.

I don’t want to force her, but she complains no one visits. Her only regular visitor is her brother, but he’s in his 80s so won’t be able to drive to see her forever.

Apparently she’s going to get a named social worker so I’ll discuss with them. But aaaagh the guilt!

I'm taking DM to see a couple of sheltered flats later today. Even if she thinks they are OK, she won't necessarily get one this time (it's a very popular place, lots of applicants) but it's a start.

And (waves to all the other house clearers) we have started talking about all the stuff in the house. For many years she and my late DF were fans of antique shops, auctions, car boot sales etc and they never threw anything away, so the house is rammed with interesting and potentially valuable objects, as well as a huge amount of junk, so it is not going to be an easy task separating it all out. But the prospect of this task has been hanging over me for years, so I will be glad to actually get on with it, in a way.

@SinisterBumFacedCat

I feel like we get told to stand up for ourselves and be strong in any other situation, be it school bullying, horrible bosses and toxic relationships. But when it comes to an elderly parent we just have to roll over and accept it all with a beautific smile on our faces, no matter how much the insults and accusations hurt. Because it’s “the dementia talking and not them”. So it doesn’t matter, I don’t matter. My life is being ruined by my mother and she will continue to do this forever.

To a certain extent, this is how I feel too. And my dm doesn't have dementia. Allegedly!

Morning everyone!
Well dm is home from hospital and the care package won't be in place for another 2 weeks, so there's been lots of muddling around to try to sort out private care to cover for now. Df needs it as much as dm to be honest. He physically can't do everything.

Dm is being a bloody nightmare too.... my sister is working from theirs for the week and she had to intervene in another argument yesterday. Dm was shouting at df because he couldn't find exactly the jumper she wanted (she has 3.5 wardrobes full of clothes!), and so she took her oxygen off!! I'm furious with her but, as my sister said, if you say anything she just crys. She is, and always has been, a massive narcissist!

Morning fellow passengers on the world's shittiest roller coaster.

No more mum dramas since the weekend thankfully.

I handed in my resignation yesterday. The last couple of years have completely knocked me for six, and I need a complete change of everything which I can't do while I'm in that position so...plunge taken.

I have 6 months from the beginning of November to build up a base of freelance clients and/or get an agent for my first novel (first draft completed, edit pending).

If that doesn't work out I'll have to reconsider my options, but if I don't give it a go I'm going to just completely lose the will to live tbh.

Well done Minty - I really hope it works out for you.

Minty that's fantastic, I really hope it works out for you!

I'm back after this morning's rant, sorry!

exexpat But at least she seems fairly keen, I hope the waiting list isn't too long! My parents have an awful green griffin lamp base in their garage loft (that's how lovely it is!) that my sister and I inherited from our grandparents. My grandmother used to insist it was a present to someone in the family from royalty. I suspect not!

Toofar That sounds really tough. Would she understand if you effectively sold it to her as she'd have more visitors?

@sasparilla1 her brother has told her that with the fuel problems he’s going to find it harder to drive to her, but she is locked into the mindset that she would have loads of visitors if she was at home (which we know is not true). She doesn’t have the capacity to realise this is in her best interests but forcing her to move doesn’t seem attractive either. The care home have kindly said they’ll keep the other place open while we sort this out.

If it's a roller coaster maybe I'm reaching the calm part of the ride...? DM in hospital with a brain bleed. Actually doing OK and a spookily gentle and uncomplaining version of herself Had a good conversation with the doctors and all agreed Mum would want absolute minimum of intervention so no surgery, no needles, just trying to get out of hospital. Very high likelihood that she will be dead in 6 months and probably quickly once it happens. I can't help feeling it's a bit of a gift. She has been on a decline for some years but she probably won't have the long twilight this board knows all too well. Xx

Evening all. Just checking in as I seem to have dropped off this thread.

Hello. nota, nice to see you again! How are things?

Well done Minty. You're more likely to regret things you didn't do than things you did do.Keep us posted on how the novel publication goes.

Oh I will do but it'll be some way off yet if I get lucky, maybe not so long if I self publish.

I'm also writing something about my experience caring for elderlies during Covid...am not sure if it'll be an article or something more substantial yet, but if anyone is interested in contributing feel free to drop me a PM.

Minty , you have been through so much in the past few years with your dad been sick and then dealing with your mother's issues. I know you went to the doctor and got some time off work. You at the stage now that you needed a break to get back on your feet mentally and physically. You did the right thing in leaving your job because you can keep pushing yourself and then end up very unwell either physically or mentally.
One of my friends took time off a stressful job a few years ago and after a few weeks she felt so much better. She ended up getting a nicer job with better pay within a few months.
Good luck with your plans for the next few months.

Thanks @Ilady that's really lovely lovely encouraging to hear about your friend.

I'm a bit numb and somewhat terrified atm. You know when you see a cartoon character jump off a cliff and they're suspended in mid air for a bit? Just like that!

But I've wanted to work for myself/freelance for a long time now...I hate being on someone else's schedule and I love being at home just getting on with stuff on my own without distractions (apart from the bloody Internet!).

Even if it doesn't work out, at least I'll know I've had a good crack of the whip.

Just checking in - and go minty! Congratulations. But take great care of yourself, keep those boundaries up with dm.

Minty it's amazing that you are doing this and I think it can only be positive x

Minty I'm sure that your health is worth more than the money. If there was ever a point for a career change it's now, so many people are re-evaluating their priorities and deciding to do something different.