Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome into our newly refurbished cafe. We've got rid of the Bad Daughters' bench - it was getting too small - and refitted the main room as a Bad Daughters' room, with comfy sofas, coffee, chocolates and drinks of your choice. (There is a good daughters' room - go down that corridor there and you'll find it tucked behind the stairs. It's not yet been fully furnished - we haven't had a visit from a Good Daughter in I don't know how long).

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Thanks, TonTon and sandwich

Dint I'm sorry to hear that you are shut out again. Every time I hear someone chirruping about how things are back to normal now I know they've not needed to set foot in a hospital or a care home. I begrudge the twenty minutes sitting in the car outside care home B waiting for the test result that they insist on doing when I know care home A will look at the result from the test I did myself. The weather is changing, where would I go if I didn't have the car to sit in? But at least I can visit, so there is that.

Morning All.

Dint I'm so sorry you're having to go through all that again...I hope it improves soon.

I've completed my first full week back at work. Hell on wheels seems to be a fairly accurate summary.
Phased return for the five year groups interspersed with on site LFT testing, school photos and all the usually start of year mayhem. I can't say it feels safe from a Covid POV, even being double vaxxed...2 of our 3 reception screens have been removed, the majority of kids, parents and visitors aren't wearing masks, and we're getting several calls a day about household members being positive, but of course those people can still come in if they're under 18 or double vaccinated and not testing positive. We've had one student sent home symptomatic who subsequently tested positive already so anyone in contact is having to LFT daily for a week.

Lots of new staff to get my head round including 50% of 'my' team, and I'm stuck in weird twilight zone of knowing more than them about some things,and being completely clueless about others as they started in the last 6 months while I was on leave. One seems nice, the other is pressing my buttons somewhat but I'm sure it's just a personality clash type niggle that will iron itself out when I settle back in.

Or if I settle back in. I did the sums mid week and if I could get the permitted level of income from a p/t job on top of CA and UC, I'd actually be marginally better off than I am working full time.

I'm going to see how this week goes and discuss it with mum. She's been bearing up fairly well with my absence which is one positive.

I'm back again. After a quiet-ish few months since DF died in June, a few days ago my mother had her third fall this year, gashed her arm, waited 12 hours for an ambulance in a pool of her own urine, spent the day in A&E to be stitched up, and then was sent straight home again even though they acknowledged she was not really fit to be discharged, but there were no beds... Now is not a good time to have an accident or emergency, and from what an NHS manager friend says, it is only going to go downhill from here for the rest of the autumn and winter.

DM has not left her bedroom since coming home from hospital, so is dependent on me and carers and housekeeper/companion to come in two or three times a day to empty her commode and bring her food. It is just not sustainable long term, so she has finally agreed that we need to discuss moving her somewhere more suitable (not huge old isolated family house with stairlift etc) before the next crisis hits.

Good news and bad news day today.
The good news is dad has improved massively and can go home as soon as carers are arranged.
The bad, or good depending on how important you consider road safety , news is FILS car was written off after his accident. He had it on a 3 year lease plan that is only halfway through and he didn't have gap insurance so will owe a hefty sum. Now waiting for the wailing that this will leave him with no money to get a replacement, I only want it for your mother (who hates leaving the house even to go in the garden now) etc. As he really shouldn't be driving, judgement of speed and distance has gone, we are preparing tactics to shoot down the flying monkeys that will inevitably head our way.

Driving. It's the worst. I hope one day there will be cars that can identify from the way you're driving that you're unsafe!

I've just had a conversation with DM as part of the New Era where I'm not the soft touch child who will agree with her. It didn't go very well. Unfortunately I could feel a certain unhealthy satisfaction in saying some of the things I've bitten my lip about for years. Normally I would be SO tender of her feelings but after the hell of the last two weeks I've got my Bad Daughter hoodie on and am giving far fewer fucks.

Apparently DH is a bad son because he doesn't take his dad out. Of course that's because he won't leave MIL who hates going out, but don't let that cloud your judgement🤣.

That's just tough isn't it? Arranging appropriate insurance is part of driving, same as putting fuel in it and navigating the MOT. He's the driver, it has nothing to do with you.

Mum effectively stopped driving when the supermarket where she got petrol went to card payment only at all pumps. She wasn't prepared to go anywhere else nor was she prepared to learn how to use the pump and she thought it would be my job to fill the car up. I thought that it was all part of driving and if you didn't have the flexibility of thinking to cope with this change at the pump then how would you cope with a sudden road closure and diversion?

The doctor called today to book me for my third covid jab - would Thursday suit? I suggested that maybe their records needed updating, I did tell them months ago that I was no longer the sole carer for a vulnerable elderly person. We agreed that there are plenty of other people who need this more than me and I'm not taking it up.

Hopefully MIL has sort of decided to stop driving, although this is mainly because she is convinced that when she goes out we go into her house ad move stuff around and hide it. She now thinks that we sneak in at night when she's asleep.

Woke up this morning to a string of answerphone messages calling us nasty rats , just saying rats, rats, rats over and over. Are the nasty rats still in bed (well yes, actually it's 5 am ) and so on for about 5 minutes. Eerie and quite disturbing.

On the plus side the care team responded very quickly and were planning to phone her this afternoon.

@TonTonMacoute oh my that does sound very creepy. Is she ringing your mobile? When DM was phoning constantly, I turned my answer machine off between 10pm and whenever I got up. I also blocked her number but left my phone on just in case of a real emergency as if she called the careline number they would call me and get through. If she can't get through to your machine, perhaps she will eventually give up?

Bless her, she really is paranoid and sounds like she would really benefit from some medication of some kind but of course you need a diagnosis first!

Ooh, I like the sound of the Bad Daughter Hoodie Permanent. Does it have it written on the front, and 'no fucks given' on the reverse? Could see myself in one of them!

DM tells me she saw a mouse in her kitchen again, and asked what I could do about it. I've put at least two humane traps down in each room, but as soon as I leave she dicks about with them, triggering the mechanism. So I've got one of those plug in deterrents in each room, which she turns off. Not sure what else that leaves? (Last year she took to knocking on her neighbours doors asking if they had a cat she could borrow).

Driving. It's the worst. I hope one day there will be cars that can identify from the way you're driving that you're unsafe! I'm just hoping they get a bit of a move on with automatic cars. New lease of life for elderly, and they'll be able to get themselves to their medical appointments. And no need to actually own a car, if a car can drive itself to where you want it when you want it - think what that would do for our residential streets. No more MN parking threads!

knot - I think you're probably being a bit harsh, And there's a difference between dealing with road closures and diversions which you've been doing all your life, and dealing with a whole new way of buying petrol. But sometimes you do what you can to ease them away from driving - for my father, not being able to find insurance for less than £900 is what stopped him driving.

nota cat borrowing

Thanks @OnthePiste, we have definitely done a bit telephone adjustment. There is nothing to be gained by her waking us up at the crack of dawn by phoning us! I have had to go and block her on my DDad’s phone as she keeps calling him too and he is finding it really upsetting (he is nearly 90).

She only rings us to let us know how terrible we are, tormenting her, treating her this way making her life hell. She just rants and rants and doesn’t listen to anything we say.

It’s horrible for us but it must really be awful for her as she genuinely believes we are doing this to her.

She has clearly now told the GP that we have been going into her house and are tampering with her computer and hiding things. The GP said all they can do is issue a safeguarding order to prevent us from going into her house, so that has now been done.

The doctor rang to tell us and is very understanding of the situation but it’s getting very surreal, this has happened over such a short time.

MIL also said the police had been to see her (she has been threatening to call them) but we have no idea if it’s true or not.

That sounds horrible, @tontonmacoute. If you are banned from entering the house, does she have anyone else providing care, shopping etc? Or is she still going to demand that you turn up despite the order?

TonTon my DH’s family in a broadly similar but different ‘siege’ situation with MIL with fluctuating capacity although no order as she too far gone to think of that option. There’s has been in limbo since May and await an incident so it can be escalated to her being taken to care home. Are you looking at care homes yet? At least the SW team will have her in their immediate folder for attention. No fun at all for any of you.

Well, we pointed this out to the GP - we are all she's got, DH and me. She regularly rings up to complain that she can't do something (computer isn't working, can't find her prescription etc etc) but then refuses to let us go over and help.

I'm not sure what they do now but they will appoint an advocate for her,
and some neighbours are helping her do an online Tesco shop and will keep an eye.

She has consistently refused to allow GPs, dementia team discuss anything with us, so we are totally in the dark.

DH is finding it very difficult and upsetting too.

TonTon this sounds truly horrible perhaps the order will in fact precipitate a crisis. I'm actually quite shocked that an order like that can be put in place in that way. Presumably it could be reviewed? Do you want to write to the safeguard board so they can least put the letter on record?

Sometimes a crisis can be the best thing, if it finally gets something to happen that should have happened ages ago. Not pleasant while it is going on, but better afterwards.

I think we may be heading towards crisis point again here, after my mother's fall last week and need for lots of extra care and visits for the past week (not leaving the bedroom for days, so needing commode emptied and food/water brought to her).

It has all fallen on me and her cleaner/companion, apart from her regular twice-weekly visit by carers. I called the agency to try and get more carer visits booked, but they called me back today to say that a) they are so short staffed that there is no way they can do extra visits, and b) they have given me 28 days notice that they will be stopping the current two visits. Aargh. I have just yesterday put her name down for some lovely sheltered flats (she finally agreed to it after the fall last week) but there is very little chance she will be able to move into one within a month.

PermanentTemporary

Well, this is what we hope. The GP who rang us was very understanding, apart from anything else it was us who first alerted them to our concerns about MIL back in June.

In some ways I think we have been quite lucky in accessing help fairly quickly and efficiently, although there's still a long way to go.

We have been keeping a diary and have made our submission to the safeguarding board. They really need to try her on some anti-anxiety medication and hope it works.

Her intense distrust and hostility towards us is the major problem, and is making everything much harder for everyone. If it wasn't for that we would be able to manage things pretty well ourselves.

exexpat

Goodness it is desperate isn't it. It's alarming how many people think how hard can it be looking after an old? It can be utterly draining and you have no idea how long each phase is going to last.

Fingers crossed that a flat becomes available for you mum very soon.

I think I am being kicked off the bad daughter's bench. My daughter went to see DM today. She is very unhappy - apparently one woman constantly shouts at her to stop talking and they all go out dancing every evening and don't invite her. But she was insisting to my daughter that she doesn't have a daughter, only a son. My husband is her son and I am her daughter in law.

Compared to the anxieties and issues everyone is having I feel it barely warrants a raised eyebrow but it really hurts.

A friend's gran was in a home and she needed to drop some stuff off for her when we were off out together. I went with her. Gran thought I was my friend and she was her mum. Kept asking me about friend's children. My friend is 5 years younger than me!

Depending on some medicines , they can made some oldies a little doollalay ! My dm phoned my daughter once to tell her in confidence , that I had run away with a man , but had taken my exh hostage and had him tied up somewhere whilst we decided what to do with all her money we had stolen.

Hairbrush the first time that mum thought I was a carer I went home and cried. The other times when I've been her sister/mother didn't feel as bad, it was that first time when you have to face up to just how confused they are. I am sorry.

TonTon I hated the phone calls but my worst was nowhere near as upsetting as what you are going through. Hopefully some sort of intervention is on the horizon.