Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome into our newly refurbished cafe. We've got rid of the Bad Daughters' bench - it was getting too small - and refitted the main room as a Bad Daughters' room, with comfy sofas, coffee, chocolates and drinks of your choice. (There is a good daughters' room - go down that corridor there and you'll find it tucked behind the stairs. It's not yet been fully furnished - we haven't had a visit from a Good Daughter in I don't know how long).

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Sorry to everyone handing the s£&# with elderlies.
🌺🌺hairbrush that must really hurt.
And to tonton and exe

hairbrush I’d have found that difficult.worse, somehow, than simply forgetting who you are. I suppose it’s the old thing of creating a narrative to explain the world and not being able to face up to how badly your brain is working.

Dad once told me about this nice lady who the previous day had stopped and given him a list to morrisons “because she was going the same way”. As a one-off I could just be amused. Did explain why, when I’d done my shopping he was nowhere to be seen, having toddled off home without waiting for me

Thank you everyone. I am feeling a bit better about it now. This is going to sound so ridiculous but I have nowhere else to witter about it so it's going here! Mum has always loved birthdays and loved to be involved in preparing and organising things - even if all she could do practically was use her debit card. I have a birthday coming up and I know that if I want to celebrate I have to organise it myself. My husband is wonderful but birthdays have absolutely no importance to him or his side of the family and it would never occur to him to organise any sort of surprise whereas if mum was still herself she and my daughter would have gone into overdrive. It's silly really because what I have planned for the weekend will be better and more relaxed and quite impossible if mum was still at home but I still feel childishly unhappy that my mum is not here and that she has forgotten I am her daughter!

This is going to sound so ridiculous but I have nowhere else to witter about it so it's going here! That's exactly what the cafe is for! No matter how supportive friends and family are, sometimes they don't understand, and there's a limit to how much wittering you can subject people to. But the cafe is full of people who know exactly what you're coping with, so there's always someone to listen.

Re birthdays - my family will organise but need strong direction, I lay down rules: 1) I want to see the family 2) I want cake and candles 3) I will not cook 4) I don't want to talk about it at all - you need to sort it without asking me.

I know what you mean - last few lockdown birthdays have been more fun without having to look after my father throughout - help him with his food, help him to the toilet, put up ramps to get his wheelchair into the house etc. So I'm torn between the pleasure of a possible Christmas without him and sadness if he can't be with us for the most important family gathering of the year.

As for "forgotten that I am her daughter" - haven't yet experienced that apart from that one brief occasion. But I'd say that 1) it may not be permanent. Dad's understanding of the world varies from week to week. Expect that sometimes she'll recognise you and sometimes she won't. 2) It's not her, it's the disease.If she gets pleasure from your visits, that's worth it, even if she's not sure who's giving her suc pleasure. And if your visits aren't giving her pleasure, you can reduce them to the minimum needed to keep an eye on whether she's being looked after OK.

It is so hard when the person you have known your whole life and know so well turns into a stranger.

MIL has always been 'difficult' and has often clashed with DH (they are way too similar to each other) but her sudden descent into total derangement, and believing such spiteful, horrible things about us, is really hitting him hard. It's strange because I've always thought of men as being less emotional and better at compartmentalising the different parts of their lives.

On the other hand he is a very practical person and is good at fixing things - he can't really cope with this situation that cannot be fixed, that you just have to wait for it to play out.

When a parent dies suddenly you have all the grief hit you at once, when they disappear into dementia you have the hit of losing them, but they are still there, but not there too - and sometimes giving you a bloody hard time for good measure. Grief gets mixed up with anger and guilt too. It's not easy but you have to process it and not let it corrode you.

I always had a bit of an up and down relationship with my DM, but I do remember going to see her and she was really pleased to see me. Then I realised she thought I was someone else, one of her cousins I think. It is painful.

A friend of ours had a terrible time with his DF, who he worshipped. He said that towards the end a good day was when he thought our friend was his brother.

It does help though to know that it is not a unique experience though, it makes you feel less inadequate.

Hello all, I feel astoundingly lucky.
(I have actually been away on hols! Do it while you can eh).

I was facing having to rearrange a social visit from POA4 because it would overlap with me staying with #2 while #3 had an op, but! #2's bouquet of medical issues has been blossoming, so #3 has called off the op again.

I got fairly good, while my parents were dying, at detaching if there wasn't anything I could reasonably do, so I am taking my cue from #2's philosophical attitude and not #3's bottomless capacity for worrying!

There is good news in one part at least, the new GP that got on #2's nerves has serendipitously gone on mat. leave.
And #2 is talking about getting a gardener and some sort of carer-type help in - I encouraged this heartily and said now was the rainy day they'd been saving for!

Compared to pretty much everyone here I am fortunate, but I lurk on here to pick up tips while praying fervently for good health for many years followed by a merciful aneurysm while asleep for all of them, as they live 1-2h drive away in 3 different directions...

Hi all, It's been a long while since I've been on. Everything settled back down with my nan. Her arm healed and she, thankfully, got her independence back. I think the threat of her having to pay for carers spurred her on the road to recovery!! She had another fall last week and banged her head. She was fine, no blood or obvious injury but has now found out that she cracked a rib in the process. She has a walking frame to use around the house but she never uses it to go to the bathroom and this is where the fall happened. She also refuses to let me move her furniture to make the room safer and easier to move around in.... I am now visiting 3 times a week and sometimes taking her out to the supermarket or to shops like B&M and Poundland which she LOVES going to. She is 'desperatly lonely' despite having several friends in the complex she lives in but I just cannot manage more and I had to draw the line. With a job, husband and 2 kids, I was overwhelmed with all the people needing my attention!!! Hope you are all well - just catching up on the thread now x

I ended up having a call from the GP about my own issues and mentioned how worried I am about the in-laws. They basically said FiL needs to ring them, so I've told him that and he tried, which is progress, I think.

MiL is looking very unkempt now. I've always been a scruffy wotsit, so I don't feel very confident about saying or doing anything and I'd probably be ripped a new one anyway if I did...very sad tho, as she was always a very smart lady.

Well, Friday we thought a was going well. FIL decided to give up driving after writing off his car and dad came home with a 4 visits a day care package.
Within an hour mum was yelling at dad because DB had checked the fridge thrown out some rancid chicken casserole and mouldy pasta sauce do "there's nothing to eat" despite the full freezer. She has continued in the same vein since despite missing him dreadfully while he was ill. She also managed to mess up the boiler controls and poor DB spent 2 hours sorting that and various other issues yesterday. Naturally she hadn't touched them when "someone" had started to reset them and just left them mid process. Just the 2 of them.there and dad can barely walk across the room, must have been the fairies.
Then yesterday FIL announced that he wouldn't use the community transport schemes we had found for him that can accommodate MILs wheelchair and that Uber or taxis were too much faff so he is going to get another car. Apparently there is nothing wrong with his driving start from the fact that he has caused 2 accidents in less than 3000 miles. Apparently his SIL with more money then sense is treating him to the car. We are hanging on to the hope that the insurance will be so eye watering that he can't afford it.

Oh countrygirl. It just doesn't ever settle! Those fairies work overtime.

Would a frank exchange of views with the car-enabling SIL help? I know that things have been less painful since we three siblings wrestled our way to a roughly similar view of the situation. I doubt it will last but you never know.

That's worrying.

Would it be better if the dvla made the decision on driving?

We are hanging on to the hope that the insurance will be so eye watering that he can't afford it. Yes, that's what stopped my Dad driving. Didn't happen until he was 90. But the two accidents should help.

dancing good to hear the update.

My mum just insured her car (via us) for £1050. That's 50 more than she paid for it. However, it's an improvement on the price she got when calling the insurer herself. Rip off merchants.

How old's your Mum?
My dad balked at £900.

Mum turns 87 in about 2 weeks...

country Your story reminds me of an incident nine years ago. Parents aged 80 years broke down on a motorway. DF went off to find an emergency phone leaving DM alone alongside vehicle. A little while later, DM set off in on hard shoulder in opposite direction looking for DF. Police patrol car picked them both up. Car towed off motorway and written off. Then DF bought another car. Feel your pain.

@Wombat96

That's worrying.

Would it be better if the dvla made the decision on driving?

Unfortunately none of FILs numerous medicalconditions tick the right box for that. But his perception of speed and distance are appalling. His car enabling SIL only sees making g things easier to take MIL out. Except MIL hates leaving the house now, even to go in the garden. She hasn't been in the car half a dozen times in the last couple of years. But when we point that out Covid is the excuse.

Ah, that's difficult. I was hoping a 3rd party would make life easier.

My DM (late 80s) barges through people in the supermarket, using her trolley as an offensive weapon, perception & distance are definitely an issue...

I wasn't sad when she was told not to drive, tho now things are fixed, she does mention driving again.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere I read your post about your birthday and it has resonated with me. My mum has dementia and I'm the only person she can't recognise face to face. She can chat quite happily over the phone but when I see her, which is several times a week, I'm a carer. We spoke last week about my birthday and that she was going to come out with me today to buy a new jacket. So I turned up today, got her in the car and said well we will go and buy my birthday jacket now. She said 'oh no, I'm not buying you a jacket because I've got to buy Freshcarnation one for her birthday'. She just can't believe it's me. I've decided to drop the subject of my birthday now. I'll make sure she gets cards and gifts for the other family members though.

@freshcarnation I feel for you. I'm doing exactly the same with my mum - making sure everyone gets the presents she would normally send but there is no one to do it in return. Mum always says "I didn't recognise you" when I walk in but she seems to know it is me. I didn't mention my birthday to her because I was afraid of upsetting her. As it was my birthday was wonderful - my daughter and her husband came for the weekend so we went out for breakfast before my husband went to work. When my daughter left I spent the afternoon in my cousin's garden playing with our dogs and had a takeaway with my friend in the evening - if mum had been around everything would have revolved around her needs/abilities.

I hope you have a lovely birthday anyway.

Happy birthday to us both

Happy birthdays hairbrush and carnation 🌺🌺🥳🥳

Happy birthdays hairbrush and carnation...mine was yesterday. I wonder if Virgos get to deal with shit more frequently because we're supposed to be stoical and efficient?!

I've been reading on and off but back at work for nearly 3 weeks now so...

First week was horrific, was thinking about talking to mum about jacking it in if she paid me for carers services!

Last week up and down...still considering it, then spend Thursday evening with her and OMG...if anything would ever make me determined to stick it out...

Yesterday was tough. I hadn't given the fact it was my first birthday without dad any thought really. Woke up feeling sad but didn't immediately register why....then arrived at work to a desk full of banners, balloons, flowers, cards and gifts and completely broke down.

Spent half an hour sobbing in a meeting room with my line manager and a bucket of coffee...everyone was very sweet.

My role has changed which is weird, as I'm the longest standing member of non-management staff, but have been kind of demoted in terms of my role and am out of the loop after being off for so long so it's a bit like walking a tightrope but they're being surprisingly supportive.

One of my new colleagues is older than me and widowed so I'm no longer the only singleton in the office and we've already talked about going out sometime.

Mum is still a massive worry...feel like I'm sitting on a time bomb but there's sweet fa I can do about it so trying to crack on with my own plans.

Cockroach all!

Happy birthday to you too @MintyCedric. Glad your workmates made a fuss of you.

I had a phone call today from the social worker. No sign of a bed for mum so we just keep waiting.

countrygirl I twitched when I read that, in my family circles (mine & OH's), buggering about with the central heating controls has always been the first sign of madness!