Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome into our newly refurbished cafe. We've got rid of the Bad Daughters' bench - it was getting too small - and refitted the main room as a Bad Daughters' room, with comfy sofas, coffee, chocolates and drinks of your choice. (There is a good daughters' room - go down that corridor there and you'll find it tucked behind the stairs. It's not yet been fully furnished - we haven't had a visit from a Good Daughter in I don't know how long).

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Any practical suggestions tend to be met with "Why do you want to do that I'm, I'm not stupid. Everyone forgets things occasionally." She is in denial that anything is wrong. I understand that if a particular particular the brain is affected then it's impossible to understand that there is something wrong.

Hi all can I pop in for a mini-rant? I so feel for all of you dealing with your parents.

My mum is in her 80s, lives on other side of the world (me and brother both moved to UK at different times, been over here a long time) and in a country that's regularly going in and out of lockdown still. She lives on her own in an apartment, signs of cognitive decline but she won't hear anything said on that subject.

I'm in middle of a house move, selling former home (partner died a violent death last year), moving to another city, and have been given notice to leave the flat I'm renting, all at the same time. My flat is a mess and I've lost the plot - and the landline phone. The base unit still rings but its answerphone is now full.

Every single phone call I get is 'I've been calling and calling but I can't leave a message' I explain again and point out she's got hold of me now. This morning I got caught by a call just as I was about to leave for work. Felt massively stressed, explained again about the landline, was instructed to 'tidy up and look for it' so I lost the plot and snapped I wasn't looking for it and it would turn up when I'd sorted the moving details. Then I got 'I moved loads of times when I was younger and never got stressed about it, what's the matter with you'

Am a horrible combination of crying and raging now.

I'm receiving regular phonecalls

Same with my DM country. Her favourite saying is 'old age doesn't come by itself' and dismisses anything that I have tried to put in place to help with the dementia as nonsense - whiteboards, dementia clock, etc. I've got used to her asking me the same thing every two minutes (why are you working from home?) but it's when she gets a bee in her bonnet about other people that I struggle (last summer she convinced herself my DD was getting married and hadn't invited her). And I have to do the 'oh look, a squirrel' distraction technique.

Whoops that message went a little awry. Thank you for receiving my rant, it does feel a bit better for having told someone on the internet.

Mum has always been very self-centred, it was always all about her but it's so hard to feel she really doesn't give a toss about what I am dealing with and will only focus on her own lockdown woes. How do our worlds suddenly become so restricted as we age? I am dreading this happening to me, but I suppose I won't be aware of it!

Hi HellonHeels

Hello @HellonHeels. There's no judgement here for snapping or ranting. Your comment from your mum 'I moved loads of times when I was younger and never got stressed about it, what's the matter with you' really struck a chord with me. That is the sort of comment I used to get from my mum all the time. And like you my reaction was tears and fury. I have no advice on dealing with it but I wanted you to know I have been in exactly the same position! Any aspect of my character or any opinion that varied from my mum's was always wrong.

Like your mum, my mum's world suddenly started to shrink. Now she is in hospital in a rehab unit after a fall three months ago and will be moving from there into a residential home. (Thus making me the worst daughter in the world) And I am still coming to terms with no longer being responsible for her care and happiness.

You have such a lot going on. I am so sorry about your partner and to have to move while you are still processing that must make everything so much harder. This is a great place to sound off safely.

Im broken (by another minor thing compared to everyone else's). Just had to be the one to pull out of Mum's retirement flat sale again. Distraught elderly buyer and family say it will be the death of him. Wish I were dead. I'm so weak. Hope it wasn't your elderly person that we've just screwed over. I'm reaching the point of almost hating my mum and it is not her fault she's old and can't make decisions.

Permanent At work when things cut up rough we had a mantra Path of least resistance Sometimes on a given day you just have to make the least worst decision in order to get through. It's not being weak. It's about survival.

Excellent advice Mum5net.

Mine is 'Sufficient unto each day is the crap thereof'. I found myself wondering what the hell we are going to at Christmas (MIL, DDad and DB all come to us for the day) and I realised that it is totally pointless to worry about this now.

hairbrush there certainly are some parents who had things much worse than we do, yet they coped with it much better than us (mentioning no MILs!)

Thank you. I'm not the first to be on this thread and have tears welling up because someone's written kind words and I won't be the last.

Mum is coming back to my area and that's a good thing, but I know from this thread that there's a long road ahead.

Hello PermanentTemp and HellonHeels. I can't spell Permanent, it's one of those words that looks wrong whatever I do with the vowels so I suppose I will use it enough now to get it right.

It's like the toddler years, there are days where you do whatever you need to do to get through to bedtime. The people at the same stage as you don't judge because they are living your life, the ones that do judge have either never been through it or the passage of time has softened the edges from their memory.

I have considered Christmas dinner, personally I'd like to be ditching it entirely and substituting it with rum punch on a Caribbean cruise but my son would like the Christmas he's always had. I have decided to not think about it again until December.

Hi permanent and hellon wheels.
As others have said, there are a what? (Collective noun for us elderly wranglers? I’m sure one of the brilliant folk on here can come up with a name… a struggle of? A worry of? ) so many of us here who can nod and share your frustrations whilst offering gin, chocolate and cake.
Knot’s toddler analogy is a good one. And I dont think many of us realise the toll it takes until it stops.

Agree totally with the toddler analogy.

However, with a toddler you can pick them up, put them somewhere safe where they can let off steam and not hurt themselves and you can't hear them, and you know they will calm down, forget everything and eventually it can only get better and more rewarding.

With parents struggling with dementia and other ailments, you cannot make them do anything they don't want to, you have no idea what can happen next, and you have no idea how long it's all going to last for

Thanks for the welcome everyone. It has helped so much just telling the story and being heard by people who get it. And there's a strange comfort in reading what's going on for others.

Oh, it's always good to know you're not alone. Makes all the difference.

Fil dropped into conversation that he lost his temper with the repetition the other night. It is very unusual for him to say anything personal, so we were a bit taken by surprise. I said it might be anxiety or boredom.

Bit worried by this, told bil & DH went & checked on them the next day. But unsure what else we can do.

I think I've found my tribe
I've 2 elderly relatives, now thankfully both safely in nursing homes, and DH has a life limiting illness and is sadly on asteady decline. DM bedbound and cannot speak and feisty DAunt is frail and has given up since her husband died 6 months ago (although she's thankfully forgotten he's died and thinks he's just been kidnapped or is waiting at the bus station - undiagnosed dementia we think). I seem to spend a lot of time on the phone sorting out various medical appointments. I'm still also sorting out DFs probate after 18 months. Everything seems to have unravelled at the same time like a bad storyline in a soap opera!!

Hello @HoikingUpMyBigGirlPantss You have so much going on. I know it's a cliche but do try and take some time for yourself, even if it's just the odd hour every now and then. I didn't and ended up in hospital with amnesia.

I love your username. It is an expression that my mother has never been able to master. She keeps saying "I suppose I should pull up my fat lady knickers"!

37IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere thank you. Ido try to go for a walk or swim every lunch time to get some head space. We have benefitted from lockdown to some extent as it means I'm now permanently working and studying from home (no long tiring expensive commute and I'm home so can help care for DH). Must admit that I felt totally burnt out at the start of the year. But now feeling better - exercise has definitely improved my mental and physical health. My BP is better and I've lost 1.5 stone of "lockdown lard"

Just had an email from the nursing home saying that, yet again, two carers have had positive PCRs, so the home will be closed to visitors for 10 days. This is the third time this year, and the second in recent weeks, so that my father will have a period of 6 weeks with inly two visits from me. People say to me "this is the new normal", but this can't be, it's just inhumane.It's just hit me a bit, I don't think I can face this going on forever. And my father's living out his last years separated from his family. Two and a half years he's been there, and he's had normal visiting for less than a year.

And another question struck me - we keep hearing that "carers are for personal care, they don't do shopping". What happens to someone who is OK at home, but no longer able to shop for themselves, and with no family to do it for them?

@MereDintofPandiculation that is awful. Dad's latest assessment showed his vofusion has improved massively and he is more confident walking with aids so hopefully he can come home before the planned 4 weeks. Mum last saw him on 13th August and it's so sad how much they have missed when they have little time left together.

Oh Dint that's terrible.

My DM died peacefully in her care home nearly three years ago, my DDad used to go and see her every afternoon. I really don't know how he would have coped at all if he had had to deal with these restrictions. It is inhumane, you are right.

dint that’s so hard- your visits must mean so much to him.
Hope the restrictions lift soon.

@MereDintofPandiculation some carers will do shopping. Home Instead will. Or, if there is someone who can do an online order, you can arrange for the order to be dropped off while the carer is there to pack it away. Using a care agency is an expensive way (they charge the hourly fee plus mileage) to get the groceries in if you have them shop but it is a solution.

[quote Zolrets]@MereDintofPandiculation some carers will do shopping. Home Instead will. Or, if there is someone who can do an online order, you can arrange for the order to be dropped off while the carer is there to pack it away. Using a care agency is an expensive way (they charge the hourly fee plus mileage) to get the groceries in if you have them shop but it is a solution.[/quote]
I was thinking of people who can't afford to make their own arrangements.