Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome into our newly refurbished cafe. We've got rid of the Bad Daughters' bench - it was getting too small - and refitted the main room as a Bad Daughters' room, with comfy sofas, coffee, chocolates and drinks of your choice. (There is a good daughters' room - go down that corridor there and you'll find it tucked behind the stairs. It's not yet been fully furnished - we haven't had a visit from a Good Daughter in I don't know how long).

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Yes she has Alzheimer's, but actually she has always been that way!
Thankfully I never did hands- on care. I just couldn't have.

Can I sidle in & order a latte, please?

I am being sent increasingly spare by DM & Pil. 😁

DM is nothing new, 40 years of odd behaviour in some ways, she's less difficult than in previous years but it's a low bar. Pil, on the other hand, were supposed to be sane & normal. No longer. 😁

Welcome wombat plenty of room. Gin on the side? Vent away.

I so wish I could drink. 😁

Mil has a dementia, no idea what as she's refuses any & all tests, appointments or referrals. Totally enabled by Fil, whose health is clearly not so good.

No clue how to proceed.

Does anyone have POA for them? Maybe too late for mil.
Do they accept help from carers etc? Do they have attendance allowance

Well, we thought they did have LPAs but due to moving about, they haven't but hopefully, it's in hand.

No attendance allowance or carers. No assessment by any one other than a GP in a different place. They have moved close by so now have the same GP as us but our GP hasn't been told of any difficulties directly. She's looking very unkempt now, after always being immaculate.

If it was my mum, I could have a direct conversation but they're very formal & won't entertain discussion. The bloody elephant in the room is now so big, we can't see daylight. Fil acknowledges the dementia but I'm not sure he really gets how much care she needs. He always looks surprised when we offer help.

I'm not sure why he's waiting, told him he needed a plan for help years ago. He's scared of her being unhappy, so always placates her.

Perhaps I'll have that gin...

MIL refused tests for her obvious confusion and memory issues because she was quite adamant that there was No Problem. It didn't get her anywhere, she had a spell in hospital after a fall and came out with a dementia diagnosis. It's difficult to avoid contact with medical professionals when you are on a hospital ward.

Wombat Having hit my head against this particular brick wall I'm afraid the likelihood is that nothing will change until there's been a crisis. It's sad and it doesn't have to be that way but that's often the way it happens.

@Wombat96 : the PoA situ really needs to be bottomed if at all possible.

Registering it with the various institutions can be a pain, depending on the institution, but trying to manage the situation without one is the stuff of nightmares. Times 1000 if their assets are anything other than very modest.

Attendance Allowance at the upper rate is not means tested and is reasonably generous. Age Concern can help filling in the very extensive forms.

Age U.K. I should say, sorry.

My Mil is doing fab at avoiding the NHS, combo of private care for a hip replacement and more recently, point blank refusal to get anything fixed. She can barely lift an arm after a fall a year or so ago. FiL is falling apart too but he knows it and is saying he won't have anything looked at whilst Mil is as she is.

My DM lurches from crisis to crisis with lots of drama on top, so I know that's the way it is but it's so tiring. In-laws were always very organised so I'm disappointed that they're avoiding the obvious now and I'm worried that there'll be more than one crisis at a time.

And breathe...

I'd settle for a referral to a memory clinic just now, so we can access the local dementia adviser.

Would it be possible to send a letter to their gp raising your concerns? They won’t be able to talk to you unless elderlies have given their permission. Gp may be able to contact them triggered by that?

Yep, been contemplating doing that for quite some time. I think it's a fairly nuclear option as it would not go down well.

Anyway, drinks on me tonight. Thanks for the help.

I wrote to DM's GP to raise my concerns with her about her memory, which resulted in DM being called in for a routine check-up, part of which was a memory test. Slightly underhand, but it needed to be done.

However. Once she had the diagnoses of dementia, it brought precisely nothing in terms of support for her. Maybe it's down to postcode?

@Wombat96

Yep, been contemplating doing that for quite some time. I think it's a fairly nuclear option as it would not go down well.

Anyway, drinks on me tonight. Thanks for the help.

GPS are used to this and can be very discreet. They could, for example, invite her to a “routine” check up. Looks like she wouldn’t respond though.

Would they accept a gardener? Opening the door to getting other helpers in.

Would they apply for attendance allowance? Not means tested, and makes paying for help more palatable.

If they won’t engage with you, then you can’t help them.you have to mentally shrug off the responsibility until such time that they accept they need help. Concentrate on your own DM

Dementia has only been mentioned with regard to my mum since she has been in hospital and it has been clear that she won't be coming home for quite a while but I found it really helpful talking to an Admiral nurse. It's not the same as a consultation with someone who will build a relationship with you and/or the patient but it really helped me with knowing how to deal with some of mum's weirdness.

I had to make an appointment for a phone call but it was the next day so not like waiting for a week or so. She was very reassuring and helpful.

www.dementiauk.org/get-support/dementia-helpline-alzheimers-helpline/

That's good advice.

Appreciated.

I don't think they'll apply for anything. I might have a go at suggesting Attendance Allowance tho. Currently trying to encourage the getting of an alarm pendent.

I think they really just want to be left alone! :-)

Can you sell it in as these things will help to enable your continued independence Wombat?

I second the Admiral nurse helpline. Like Ithink we had to leave a message and were called back, but their advice was extremely practical and very helpful. They also took our details and keep a file so you don't have to go over everything again when you ring back.

We had an incredibly bumpy weekend with MIL, who refused to let us come over and help her at all, as we were just hiding her things. Lots of tearful calls to friends and relatives begging for their help, and lots of angry calls to us.

Eventually we were summoned to go over there yesterday as she has 'things to decide' (this is code for I'm going to change my will unless you stop tormenting me).

We said we couldn't go until after work, and went over with heavy heart at 5.30. She had completely forgotten having asked us, was really happy to see us and immediately opened a bottle of cava!

She chatted happily for an hour or so, although you can see her struggling for words, and sometimes experiencing some sort of mental 'absence' - face goes completely blank and she looks so lost.

It was such a nice change to see her happy for a bit.

@TonTonMacoute

That's sounds familiar...both the accusations of hiding things and the veiled threats of my inheritance going awol.

I haven't written since my dad died and am back to work tomorrow so this morning I signed up for an online workshop. You just work on whatever project you fancy but there are check-ins and forums to compare notes about how you're getting on etc at regular intervals.

Rather than go back to the novel, which I need to refresh my memory on before continuing, I decided to start work on a 'memoir' of my experience caring for dad during Covid.

I found my first thread on here and downloaded all my posts which ran to 90 pages.

Looking back the lack of support we had (due to a combination of factors) is barely believable. Also pretty sobering to see how many times I alluded to being suicidal.

Things aren't exactly a bed of roses now, but it's kind of mindblowing to have got through it. At the time I thought I was a being an unreasonable drama llama for moaning so much.

FIL has crashed his car. Luckily he only walloped a traffic island and no one was injured but he has done a lot of damage to his leased car and it might be a write off. He has no idea if he has gap insurance as part of the lease contract and if it is written off is likely to owe the lease company quite a bit. When he got this car we tried to talk to him about the "what ifs" but he got angry and slammed the phone down every time. There was nothing wrong with his old car except it wasn't a "manly" car. Poor DHs phone has been red hot. Just need to wait the insurance verdict now. Torn between hoping it's a write off and he sees sense and stops driving and thinking "oh god, another problem we will have to sort out".

When we got a brand new car last year we were talked into gap insurance by the franchised garage. It cost a few hundred pounds and we got a separate certificate from an insurance company. It wasn't built in it was an extra that we could have refused.

minty that sounds like an excellent plan.

The helpline looks a great resource - I would definitely have used it while M was still at home.

The driving issue sounds alarming @countrygirl99 . Mine had an accident too, with a parked vehicle at relatively low speed. ' the brakes failed'. The other car belonged to an off-duty policeman who could not have been nicer about it. All very fortunate, and thankfully she volunteered to give up after that.

Regarding the formal diagnosis of dementia- no it won't help hugely with extra resources, but they could be prescribed Mementine or similar which is meant to slow the progression. Also useful for attendance allowance and blue badge applications.

DH had gap insurance on his first work van, subsequent ones have been cash purchase and was quite cheap. But that was a second hand van.
But in true MN style I am now "fuming". Dad is finally being discharged to a care home tomorrow after just over 3 weeks in hospital. His notes say all updates are to go to DB as mum has dementia and can't remember/ gets very confused and up until.today that has been followed. Guess who they phoned to tell about the discharge. Guess who then tried to phone the care home to speak to him and panicked because he isn't there. Guess who then phoned me distrught and sobbing that something terrible has happened and dad is dying.

Oh country you’ve got so much on. Hope things get sorted for your df and dm. Fil car issues sound really tough 🌺🌺
minty good luck back to work!