Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome into our newly refurbished cafe. We've got rid of the Bad Daughters' bench - it was getting too small - and refitted the main room as a Bad Daughters' room, with comfy sofas, coffee, chocolates and drinks of your choice. (There is a good daughters' room - go down that corridor there and you'll find it tucked behind the stairs. It's not yet been fully furnished - we haven't had a visit from a Good Daughter in I don't know how long).

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

hairbrush that sounds really upsetting but as others say, she is probably over it now. May be worth getting advice re visitors. 🌺🌺

Apparently she was very happy with my cousin but very confused. She thought she had missed a visit from me and my daughter. She also thought that as she had travelled such a long way she was not in her new home but my cousin thought she had accepted it was part of the hospital by the time she left.

Tomorrow I will have to keep trying to get through on the phone again and see how she is.

hairbrush Obviously rule out any cause, but there may not be a cause. Looking at the CHC assessment tool, there are questions about whether the person becomes distressed, and, if so, can they be reassured. So it looks like a common thing.

My father’s earliest symptoms that he was losing capacity were his elaborate worries, starting with the relatively simple of not being able to change electricity supplier because the new one would want to inspect his wiring, would condemn it, and he’d be without fuel., and moving up to a carer having not returned when she said she would because she’d been eaten by a shark.

I usually accept the truth of what he’s saying, and agree a way forward that doesn’t involve immediate results, so that he’s moved on to the next worry before, eg, I get an answer to the “letter” I’ve “written”

hairbrush I hope you get to the bottom of things today and can put your mind at rest.

I stayed at mums last night as per. She has yet another bloody UTI (literally apparently) started ABs yesterday. This morning she still has blood in her wee and is asking if she should call the GP.
I've suggested she waits until she's taken more than two doses...cue noises about having to call 111 and go to out of hours if necessary with it being a bank holiday weekend, so imagine that's my day off up the swanny again ...

I just hope she puts her big girl pants on when I go back to work next week...I'm envisaging multiple messages/phone calls with accompanying eye rolls from line managers.

She has my work number, I think I'm just going to turn off notifications and leave phone in my bag.

Minty I'd go with the line of "no phones in school". New term, fresh start, new boundary. If it's a real emergency then someone can call the school landline.

Hairbrush I think Dint has the truth of it, DM has seen only you for so long and now someone new has appeared which has disrupted everything. Where were you? She's missed you somehow, everything has gone wrong and escalate from there.

I'd been saying for decades that mum should talk to the doctor about some anxiety medication given her tendency to catastrophise. DS misses a day of school through illness, clearly it's school refusal and he'll never go back and fail all his exams. I'm late - I'm dead in a ditch. She refused as she didn't have a problem with anxiety (yes mum, yes you do). She is now on a low dose of an antidepressant and I wish she'd done it years ago. She's had years of non-stop worrying over little things and she needn't have.

I have begged my mum to talk to the GP about her mental health but she has refused quite aggressively. She has always been anxious and assumes the worst. She refused to go to the optician because she was afraid she would be diagnosed with bleed on the brain. Her daily life was restricted by pain from her arthritis but she refused to visit the doctor because she was afraid of what the diagnosis would be and she might have to have an op. By the time she was referred to the hospital her hip had deteriorated to such a state that there was nothing.

I have spoken to the hospital this morning and she is fine. We agreed I wouldn't speak to her because it isn't part of her routine and could stress her more. We think she was confused by being taken from the ward to the garden confused her and she thought she had been transferred to the home and wanted to go back there.

Hairbrush once she does move to her long term placement it might be worth mentioning her worst case scenario thinking. The more they know about her the less they'll have to find out over time.

Hello Everyone ( waves furiously at @thesandwich ) and Cockroach all!

I was on these threads a while ago under another name ( Grinchly ) and they were a haven of sanity, laughs, advice and friendship as I navigated my mother's declining health and constant criticism and demands. Before that I had years of my father's declining health too, but he was an absolute sweetheart which made things much easier.

I've just skimmed through the latest thread and have seen a lot of familiar names. Reading through your stories really brought back the full horror of dealing with my mother before she went into the home. I think I had semi-forgotten the worst of it.

Really we all deserve medals, and as much gin/tea/coffee /cake as we can manage - the stress of it all is just awful. When you are in the eye of the storm it's very hard to see any end to it, and you just have to minimise it in your own mind just to keep going.

To bring you up to date with me, mother went into the care home two years ago. I managed to clear and sell the house, and invest the money appropriately for her after an insane amount of stress with the PoA. ( and to someone who asked, yes I registered it with each institution as needed too, rather than all at once, much easier. In fact there are still a couple of accounts which haven't had it attached yet.) I felt as if I had aged 20 years during this time. People at work were great, but even so, keeping a busy job going alongside all of that was very hard.

Then Covid struck of course, which meant no visits. This, frankly, was an absolute godsend and has enabled me to re establish an even keel, and put my own health and wellbeing firmly front and centre - where it belongs and where it will jolly well stay. I am also largely working from home now which has removed another major stressor from my life. I now feel 20 years younger

I am visiting her again, but only about once a month. That feels about right. What a relief from the day a week it would absorb before. She is safe and looked after. No more calls or demands. And the emotional manipulation can be laughed away when you know you only have half an hour of it at most. She was 90 in the spring and could easily live another ten years, so this stage could well go on a very long while.

Everyone says what a sweet old lady she is. I just try and see her as a frail elderly person, detached from me. I've even taken to referring to her in my own mind and to others by her first name, and that helps with the emotional distancing too.

Whatever it takes, right? Keep on keeping on, everyone.

Hello reincarnated@ words ! Good to see you here with a view from the future if you know what I mean for some of us. Wise words about reclaiming lives.
Good advice to hairbrush here. And minty think the no phones at school rule us a good one. How are you? Must be daunting going back.
How’s your dd?

@thesandwich

It is a bit daunting. The job itself doesn't phase me, it's the early start and my life not being my own for 45 hours a week that's not filling me with enthusiasm. It's not really been my own for a long time now but at least, particularly since Dad passed away, there's been a bit of flexibility.

I will be back to having one day a week to call my own so...meh.

Anyway, it is what it is. I've redecorated my study so I have a quiet space to write and am hoping to brush up on some skills so that I can look for a new job next spring, away from the grind and inflexibility of term time only and hopefully one that acrually uses my skills and talents!

We aren't really supposed to have phones too accessible at work, but I put my foot down about keeping mine to hand because of dad. I will just check at lunchtime and make sure the lifeline button people have my work number (without telling mum!).

DD is bloody marvellous .

She's become a proper gym bunny, got a really good part time job (Communication Assistant for a local charity, flexible hours 50% working from home) and great GCSE results and is off to college for A levels in 3 weeks time.

Fantastic news about your dd minty she sounds awesome.

Yes minty that's really good-and great for her CV.

@thesandwich

Fantastic news about your dd minty she sounds awesome.

She really is and fuck knows where she gets it from.

Since she finished school at the end of May she's generally been up before me, healthy breakfast then off to the gym and then onto work.

She joined the local youth Council at 13, was co-opted to this charitable organisation and offered the job off the back of their first 'in person' meeting back in May.

She's also been working 3 nights a week in a local takeaway.

She is bloody phenomenal tbh...I'm quite in awe of her!

V impressed with your DD Minty
I have visited POA4 who is healthier than me, and have outline arrangements to stay with POA2 while POA3 is in hospital having a knee op. Must ring #1 and arrange a meet-up. Feeling v fortunate that they all do have a cleaner, gardener etc.
But as you can imagine I'm hoping all the shoes don't drop at once...

mystery are you wrangling FOUR elderlies????

The very thought of four PoAs gives me a fit of the vapours...you're a better woman than I am mystery.

I think I've found my home. Been reading by the thread and at points it's made me laugh out loud and want to cry.
I'm sole carer for my dad who is 89. My half sisters don't want to know. One hasn't seen him for 2 years, the other has stayed for one night in 2 years. He is allotted a 10 minute phone call to them once a week. But of course the sun shines out of their arses.
Everything else is on me. Visits 2/3 times a week are an expected minimum, and on top of that he phones constantly to talk utter drivel about his day and gets annoyed / guilt trips if I try to get him off the phone.
The big problem is he had me at 54. So I'm 36 with a young toddler and I'm the middle of setting up a business so working full time.
Selfishly it just feels so unfair that at my age I have the sole responsibility of him.
Sorry a totally self obsessed rant but it's really affecting my mental health now as I simply never get a second to myself.

Loading not self obsessed at all. I’d be telling DF that your phone is playing up. I’d also be trying to find a companion to come visit twice a week maybe funded by Attendance Allowance if he qualifies. Half sisters have nicely positioned themselves as golden children, Permission granted to prioritise your toddler and fledgling business.

Turned up care home friday to see two eighty something women leave bemused after only being inside for ten minutes. Their ex neighbour on seeing them demanded they leave immediately. Obviously not golden neighbours

Just had a totally bizarre call from MIL, DH was just wondering whether or not go and see her when she rang.

She kicked off asking DH what he wanted, although she had rung us. He asked if she needed him to go round, this was vigorously refused.

Then came the 'you are controlling me enough I don't want you here doing more things to control me.'

This was followed by 'you are going to get all my money eventually why are you doing this to me (trying to get her to commit suicide apparently) you will just have to wait' segueing into 'actually I'm going to change my will, what do you think of that?'

Then followed a very strange story about a neighbour who had told her that DH and I were at a party in the village (where we all live) yesterday and we didn't know anyone (implication, we are standoffish and snobs) and that we were making a very bad life for ourselves (coming from a woman who has refused virtually every social invitation she has received in the 20 odd years since I have known her).

We had a call from some old friends last night who were very worried because she has been calling them constantly for a chat, several times every day, and they wanted to let us know. We knew this because we can see on her iPad what she has been doing, but we had a god chat with them as they have been through it with their parents.

On the upside we think that she had a call from the dementia care team, and it was very positive (he was a real gentleman!). He tried to encourage her to build bridges with us (I assume he had been regaled with all the stories about how DH hides her stuff and controls her computer) but this just involved her demanding that we stop treating her so badly, so a way to go there.

We are just trying to play this straight, to not rise to the bait and just keep asking if she needs anything doing, shopping etc, but it does take it out of you - hence my rant to the Cockroach Cafe.

Oh yes that old chestnut of 'I've left everything to you.' Said whilst threatening suicide and it'll all be your fault. Don't believe them. I was my mother's only remaining child. I was the only one who ever visited or dealt with all the numerous batshit/abusive phone calls. Yet my mother left her money to a relative she had barely seen or spoken to for the last 20 years.

Good morning to all new faces, really-new and returning-new. After a year from hell, never ending crises and hospital admissions both grannies are being looked after 24/7 by someone that's not me.

Mum is happy, no longer thinks she's coming home with me or asking when they are going to fix her so she can go home. She is very confused, manages about fifteen minutes before speaking becomes too difficult and it becomes word salad. I leave through the front door now so I can drop her back in the lounge when she's had enough and lurk near the door to be let out. It works really well and gives us the flexibility to finish when she's had enough, rather than having to sit in the visiting room waiting for someone to come and let me out. She's in the village so I can visit for fifteen minutes if that's all she's up to and then do the shopping.

MIL's care home insist on doing their own covid test so it's a 20 minute wait in the car. I don't get the results from that so can't use that test to see mum. Rather than have two tests yesterday and the 20 minute wait I dropped MIL's things at the door. I'm sure she would have liked to see me two days running but the testing requirements and the wait takes it out of "popping in" territory.

I went back through my diary looking for the date of something, I'd forgotten how hard the last year was now I'm through it. I'd like to thank all of you who helped get me through it.

I think it is easy to underestimate the impact all this has on our own wellbeing. I am only seeing that properly in retrospect.

I'm off on The Visit at the home today. I suspect I will be cooling my heels alone in the Good Daughter's Room as a result as I have completed two (TWO!) tasks : the purchase of more socks, as her previous ones were stolen by the sock thief in the laundry ; and the replacement of a watch strap.

There is still scope though. The socks could be the wrong colour or fit, ditto the watch strap. I wonder what the next tasks will be... ( I do feel like poor Mr Ogmore-Pritchard in Under Milk Wood: 'tell me your tasks, in order...' )

Cockroach all.

I think it is easy to underestimate the impact all this has on our own wellbeing. I am only seeing that properly in retrospect.

It is an awful effect of Alzheimer's that it just seems to bring out the worst in the sufferer. It is hard work, and often dull, looking after an elderly relative at the best of times. To have to do it while being subjected to a never-ending torrent of accusations, mistrust and abuse is very demoralising.