The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, with a refurbishment to celebrate the coming of Spring, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Minty your expert on what/when/how to do things is your funeral director. This is their job, they are always there even on a Sunday.

I'm really sorry about the loss of your dad Minty, you obviously loved him so much and went above and beyond to do what was best for him.

I'm only an inexperienced lurker here (so far) but I think you seem a lovely person and I have felt so sorry for you in your situation. I'm glad you have your friend on call for support

Hi Minty, lurker here. Truly sorry for your loss, you are an incredible daughter, as are many on here.

My dad also died in a nursing home, month to the day actually. What happened with us is that the nursing home asked the GP to come round and check. He electronically notified the local registry. Then we called the registry to register to book an appointment by phone. I think we needed to send some docs by email. Anyhow there is a long interview and then they issue the death certificate (ask for extra copies to deal with admin).

Wishing you well.

So sorry for your loss Minty. At least he was able to pass in dignity, and had been made comfortable in the home. I hope that once the shock has passed you are able to get some peace.

I seem to remember when my dad died that I was given a booklet that was a to do list of everything that needs to happen. When DB died a few years ago I was directed to a web site when you put in the details and it automatically notifies everyone what needs to know.

Thanks all.

Went home for a bath and a sandwich and now back at mums with DD. She's going home later as she has exams tomorrow and bestie is going to stay over with her.

XH has also been brilliant - really kind and helpful to both me and mum which considering they frequently couldn't stand each other when we were married is quite a big deal!

Mum messaged 'L' and he called about half an hour ago. I imagine she will want him at the funeral which I suppose is understandable, so long as he keeps his distance from me.

Have found checklists online and the 'Tell us once' website, thanks nota.

Sorry to hear about your dad, Minty.

I hope your DD is OK for her exams tomorrow - exam-year teenagers have all had such a bad year, I hope the school will be sympathetic if she has issues.

So sorry minty. Xxx

@exexpat school will be fine...I work there which is helpful as they are very aware of the situation. I am friends with her Maths teacher so have managed to contact him and arranged for that to be rescheduled so she only goes in for last 2 lessons and lunch.

Informed tutors and pastoral team and she'll have a quick meeting with the wellbeing lead beforehand.

@MintyCedric

At rest, at peace, at last.

xxx

Minty you were brilliant for your Dad. I remember someone at the hospice where my DF died saying it's almost as if people wait to slip away when no-one's there, even when they leave the room for a few minutes.

nota I really hope you have a week of proper leave and recuperation.

knot I think the phone thing keeps people permanently stressed, it's really bad for our health. I turn my phones off, hard-faced as it may sound. I turn my landline on only to call DM and I monitor my mobile but turn it off for big chunks of the day and at night. DM has a careline for emergencies and I'm miles away - I can't be 'aways on', just can't.

When I was about 50 (I'm 57), my DM came up for a visit - she was generally OK but getting tottery, I mentioned this to a colleague of the earth-mother variety and she said wouldn't it be a great solution for me to move in with my mother. Seriously. The Spinster's Fate. I laughed in her face and said I would rather walk into the sea. She was A Bit Put Out.

I laughed in her face and said I would rather walk into the sea. She was A Bit Put Out.

Well that's given me a much needed chuckle this morning!

Thinking of you Minty and also your daughter. GCSEs going on here as well. It's good to hear her school are being understanding.

I definitely recommend leaning on the funeral director for advice about what needs doing. And don't feel like you have to deal with everything all at once. I hope you can find a chink of space for yourself.

Thanks all for your support and lovely messages.

Today has been much tougher...the emotional impact hitting home plus having to start doing stuff.

Picked up dad's belongings from the home, spoke to FD and have arranged an appt Thursday afternoon to get that sorted. Mum's called a few places that needed notifying and sorted out some clothes for the undertaker.

School were great but DD has struggled a bit. They've put her on an exams only timetable for the week so she doesn't have to go in otherwise if she doesn't feel up to it. She's planning to do tomorrow then take Weds off as no exams.

I contacted the HR bod at the place I'm going for interview tomorrow as aware they wanted someone to start ASAP. Explained situation and they were great, said they're more concerned with getting the right person and happy for me to start in a month or so. There's only one other candidate so am going to go for it.

Chap I met last week after talking online for a couple of months is coming down to meet me for lunch afterwards which will make a nice break from reality!

It all feels very surreal. Driving DD to school and looking at life going on...it's hard to comprehend that dad is no longer part of this world.

In my limited experience it was a mad busy time of phone calls, letters and to do lists until the funeral. After that it was different somehow, it's right what they say about it being a time of transition.

I am glad that you are going for the interview. I was about to add "on Tuesday" but I've just worked out that it's Tuesday today.

I found it easier to be old fashioned and write to places than to phone, navigate the call handling and then spend fifteen minutes in a queue.

minty good luck today.
And very best wishes to your dd.

Think of you and your DD today. Hope the interview goes well.

Did anyone else see this review in the Guardian at the weekend? www.theguardian.com/books/2021/may/22/an-extra-pair-of-hands-by-kate-mosse-review-the-dignity-of-care

I will probably read the book out of interest to see what it is really like, but the review makes it sound as if it gives a rather rose-tinted view of caring for the elderly.

How's everyone doing?

I've had a crazy busy day with non dad related stuff so have now hit crash and burn just as I'm about to head round to mum's.

Didn't get the job...it would've been nice but I was on the fence about the timing and naturally wasn't on my A game...the feedback they gave me was fair enough.

Had a beautiful bouquet and card from my colleagues today.

Went to GP re some stomach issues I've had for a while...appears they're likely stress related...no shit!

Feeling decidedly meh atm but I guess that's to be expected.

I suspect that anyone who talks of 'the pleasure and privilege that leaven the heavy burden of caring' won't be wanting a space on the bad daughters' bench.

@notaflyingmonkey

Tbf it's a bit tricky to sit on a bench and talk out of your arse at the same time

Hope you are doing ok minty. I remember going to the GP for an upset stomach that wouldn’t clear, and when she asked if I was a little stressed I cried! I bet that author has not been up at 2am cleaning the toilet after an accident like so many of us on here.

Mosse is the first to admit she has been exceptionally lucky on several fronts. She wrote a bestseller, which enabled her to buy a big enough house for an annexe. She and her husband were self-employed, so their time was flexible and they could juggle the constant rounds of medical appointments and responsibilities. She collaborated with siblings living close by. She had the financial resources to pay for private care when needed.

Yep...definitely sounds like a typical carer experience...not!

Oh Christ these people make me tired. Media types who are broadly very privileged writing books about The Humble Goodness of Caring for Mum/ Living, Laughing and Loving Through the Menopause/ Starting an Organic Pig Farm in the Country with My Golden Family can just fuck off.

Minty sorry you didn't get the job, but you will get something good later on, I'm sure. I'm not surprised you have a bad stomach - stress really affects the poor old digestion. I eventually cut out wheat and lactose and onions and suchlike irritants on advice, despite being very sceptical about food fads and it made a near-instant difference.

Sorry you didn't get the job Minty but the timing isn't great for you right now is it. Hope your daughter is ok and she can take a breather tomorrow when she has her day at home.

Has anyone here read "The Selfish Pig's Guide to Caring" by Hugh Marriott? It has been on my Kindle for 5 years but I haven't read it yet. Partly I think because if I have time to read I would rather use it for something that takes me away from caring! But I think it might help me to get my mind in gear.

Even though I have finished my course until October I want to keep my two hours in the morning for me so I am planning to read it then.