The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, with a refurbishment to celebrate the coming of Spring, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

I've passed up a couple of volunteering opportunities that would have given me some social interaction that I badly need. It is just not been realistic when I know that the phone could be going every ten minutes. The price of not picking up the phone is an escalation and a full scale meltdown because obviously I've died and then what would become of her? I'm looking back now and seeing just how little life I've had over the past couple of years, I have lived my life in the spaces that weren't taken up by mum's life.

She's not dead, she's back in residential care. I am fighting the urge to visit every day (it is allowed) so as not to raise expectations. It's not sunk in yet that I could just hop in the car and go visit my son at his uni or go for a walk without having my eye on the clock or even spend an entire day clearing out wardrobes. The latter doesn't sound all that appealing but if she stays where she is I'll have it to do at her house.

Onwardsandupwards people expect you to screw up your own life and future to look after parents I was talking this week to someone who lives at a distance from her mother, if she were mine I'd live even further away because I find her really difficult even for ten minutes. One of her colleagues told her she should sell up and move to be nearer her mother. She's widowed, ten years off retirement with an adult son at home so that means leaving her job, her friends, making her son homeless and at 57 trying to start over somewhere else. If we gloss over how she moves with no income and assume she manages to find a job that fits in with her mother's care needs then what happens if her mum dies in the night? There she is, having given up everything in her life and for what? I suggested a form of words for her to give to the colleague with opinions but even though it's unreasonable there's still the guilt and shame that you aren't considering throwing your life away to shore up someone else's poor decision making. You are no doubt wondering why her mother couldn't move but no, she likes her house and won't consider it. (I think there is an element of "show me how much you love me, show me that I am more important to you than your job/son/house/friends" but that's because she's done it with me in the past)

I'm looking back now and seeing just how little life I've had over the past couple of years, I have lived my life in the spaces that weren't taken up by mum's life.
Oh knot I know exactly what you mean, living in the gaps. And not please get some treats in.
knot GET IN THE CAR TO VISIT YOUR DS. GO. put something back in your tank.
Wardrobes can wait.

It sounds like we're all struggling in much the same kind of place with unreasonable demands and overwhelming responsibility atm.

I had an OK day yesterday in the end...best mate came over for a couple of hours and I went back to hers in the evening for wine, takeaway and karaoke!

Had a hysterical call from mum at 10.30pm...her lifeline buzzer stopped working yesterday and they can't get anyone out until Monday. She had tried calling me, my friend and DD and none of us had answered initially so she completely freaked out. Nothing wrong just wanted to check she could get hold of us. I'm going to have to go round and placate her in a minute but the thought stresses me out so much.

I think going back to work will definitely be a good thing, but I feel so fragile mentally atm I'm a bit worried about how it'll pan out. I woke up yesterday and this morning and a feeling of intense fear washed over me and stuck. Have spoken to GP and local NHS counselling service who said they thought my needs were too complex for them. Have doubled my ADs for a couple of months now (was only on a tiny dose previously) and was hoping that and self care would do the trick, but even if get time for the latter I never get the mental space from everything.

Potentially going to have issues with XH/DD over the next few months as well.

Tbh I actually googled private mental health hospitals to see how much an inpatient stay would cost after yesterday morning. It's literally the only way I can think I'd be able to get the downtime to sort my head out. Mum refuses point blank to consider going anywhere for respite.

In the end settled for checking out local carer support services so will give them a call on Monday.

Right, once more into the breach...wish me luck.

Cockroach all!

The price of not picking up the phone is an escalation and a full scale meltdown because obviously I've died and then what would become of her?

That was the issue with mine last night..."I don't know where any of you are..."

She knew exactly where I was, and that DD would therefore be at home. But the fact she couldn't get hold of any of us instantly (friend's phone was out of battery, DD just didn't answer and I'd blocked her mobile number - oops! But she never uses it normally) sent here into apoplexy.

It's just exhausting.

I have already booked a carpet cleaner for Monday to try and get the shit stains out of her carpets, and a chimney sweep for Tuesday to sort the soot that keeps falling down Rolled up newspaper stuffed up the chimney sorts soot, as long as everyone can be trusted to remove it before lighting the fire. Or you can get a chimney sweep which is made of wool, thus less inflammable, and which has a "don't ewe forget me" tag hanging down into the fireplace.

obviously I've died and then what would become of her? I hope that's just from your mum and not from relatives! It's a valuable lesson that you need to look out for you because your mother certainly won't be.

"The latter doesn't sound all that appealing but if she stays where she is I'll have it to do at her house.* I used to keep a stock of aniseed balls at Dad's house as a reward. I appreciate aniseed balls might not do it for everyone.

it's unreasonable there's still the guilt and shame that you aren't considering throwing your life away I was so grateful for the steep steps front and back as an excuse why Dad couldn't come and live with us. Not so much for other people, but an excuse for myself, to assuage the largely self-inflicted guilt. The real reason, of course is that he drives me batty within a couple of hours.

I suppose the trouble with being a mother is your child is the most important thing to you, maybe even more important than your partner, and them growing up doesn't change that; it's so difficult getting used to the fact that their priorities go 1) partner 2) children 3) pets 4) friends 5) you.

Nothing wrong just wanted to check she could get hold of us. I had a phone call from my father "We are Totally Out Of Communication". He had the grace to grin when I said "we seem to be communicating quite well at the moment". But he does have a fear of losing communication, so I can understand the urge to keep testing. But understanding it doesn't stop that knot in the stomach when you recognise the number that's calling. I can be rational about it now because he's finding his phone more and more difficult to use, so calls are few and far between.

Yeah I can understand it too. It also sounds like she had some hallucinations later in the evening although could have been lucid dreams...it's happened a few times over several years so not too concerned atm.

She wasn't great when I went round this morning but nowhere near as bad as I expected...then she got onto talking about the f*ing carer again.

It's like banging my head against a brick wall. Have given up trying to explain why their 'relationship' is all kinds of inappropriate and bonkers and just asked her to please respect the fact I do not want to discuss him.

Does she hell?

I'm looking back now and seeing just how little life I've had over the past couple of years, I have lived my life in the spaces that weren't taken up by mum's life.

That sums up the last 8 years of my life.

Tonight is a real low. She shouted at me to shut up when I said she had to go to bed. I had been telling her all day that the carer was coming - and when she arrived half an hour early than expected mum saw her coming and said "I'm not going to bed!" I got upset and said that I didn't want to come back to put her to bed and she shouted at me to shut up. Of course when the carer came in she was all sweetness and light but the carer said it was more than her job was worth not to see her into bed.

She keeps saying "I have to put myself back to bed in the middle of the night " (if she goes to the loo) but that is just a few steps from the bed to the bathroom, not from the living room, through the kitchen, along the hall.

On the scale of what some people have to put up with it is nothing but it just makes me feel that what I do for her is completely valueless.

Do you know if there is a helpline or anywhere I can call just to talk? I don't want to talk to the family all the time. It's not fair on them.

So sorry to hear that Hairbrush. What would happen if you stepped back so that you weren't there and let the carer deal with your DM re bed etc?

Hairbrush it's not that you aren't worth the effort of being nice to. I know it feels that way - she can be nice as pie for them so why is she nasty to me? It's because she feels safe with you, you'll be there for her whether she is nice to you or not so can let out the frustration of not being in control of her life. It's a memory from everyone's childhood, being sent to bed before we are ready to go.

Carers UK are doing some zoom meetings, care for a cuppa. There's one tomorrow afternoon if you can turn round the registration in time. Age Concern have an advice line 0800 678 1602, they may point you to some local services.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere it is frustrating and soul destroying but it's not you, it's them. I've found SHOUT 24/7 text service really good when it's all got a bit too much for me 85258

giveusashout.org/

Well...the call came this morning. Dad passed away in the early hours. They called mum when his breathing became laboured, who of course is deaf and didn't hear. They called me, buy I have my phone on Do Not Disturb at night for everyone except mum. I never thought to change the settings.

So he had a nurse with him, he wasn't alone, but it wasn't us. And we cancelled our visiting slot yesterday as I had something trivial on with DD and mum wasn't feeling well. We were due to go up today.

Just drinking coffee and waiting for best mate to arrive to come with me and break the news to mum.

XH has just picked up DD, gave me a hug and said the right things which was weirdly comforting considering our relationship is usually civil at best.

She has her last GCSE exams this week...luckily I'm friends on FB with her maths teacher so have been able to message him to ask if she can do hers later.

Don't think I'm going to be able to go for the interview on Tuesday now. They need someone to start ASAP which just won't be possible.

The other job I'm applying for us the one I'd prefer anyway...longer timescale and some wfh potential.

I also had a date lined up after the interview but think that'll have to go on the back-burner for now.

Minty I am sorry, It's been coming for a long time but that doesn't make it any easier. I'm glad that you will have bestie with you when you break it to your mum, bestie is a star but we knew that already.

So sorry Minty. Take comfort from the fact that your dad knew you adored him and always had his best interests at heart.

So sorry for your loss @Minty. Hoping your DM took the news as well as can be expected

@mintycedric
💐 hugs and love to you
You have been such a wonderful comfort to your dad and cared for him so unselfishly for so long
"His long night is over and there is peace at the last" x

I'm so sorry Minty. Take comfort from knowing you got your dad as comfortable as he could be for his last days. I'm glad your friend is going with you to your mum. I don't know if now is the right time to say it but really, really brace yourself for all time high levels of everything being about her. My Dad couldn't even acknowledge that other people needed to grieve too when my mum died. I coped for about 3 days before a massive pressure valve explosion. Be kind to yourself, forgive yourself if you snap, take comfort and solace from whatever source you can.

@chesterelly

I'm so sorry Minty. Take comfort from knowing you got your dad as comfortable as he could be for his last days. I'm glad your friend is going with you to your mum. I don't know if now is the right time to say it but really, really brace yourself for all time high levels of everything being about her. My Dad couldn't even acknowledge that other people needed to grieve too when my mum died. I coped for about 3 days before a massive pressure valve explosion. Be kind to yourself, forgive yourself if you snap, take comfort and solace from whatever source you can.

Yes. Even now mum can't seem to acknowledge anyone else's loss. I good idea taking a friend with you xx

Oh Minty I am so sorry, I'm glad you've got support when you go to your mum. xxx

Thanks all...mum's distraught obviously but not as melodramic as expected. Friend has gone for now but is 'on call' whenever I need her.

DD is coming back shortly (well to mum's).

Have instructed funeral director and told all the important people.

On the scale of what some people have to put up with it is nothing but it just makes me feel that what I do for her is completely valueless. That's where the emotional detachment comes in. No-one worries when a cat has refused three different types of cat food including the one they demanded four helpings on yesterday. It's what cats do. No-one expects a cat to show you that you're valued.

Possibly stupid question...I know we need to register the death before anything else can be sorted out but do we do that or the home?

Minty - Oh I'm sorry. I saw yours after I replied to hairbrush.

I remember Mum at end of life. Back in the days when compassionate leave was but a dream. I drove 200 miles back home to return to work; 2 days later she died, while Dad had stepped out of the room. You do what you think is best at the time (and no-one could have done better than you). Waiting till loved ones are not there is a recognised thing.

Don't abandon the interview because you won't be available. "Asap" will usually be a month, because that's how much notice most people have to give their current employer. But you may have to cancel because you're in bits, and that's OK too.

Thanks Dint. It was the same with my nan when I was kid...5 days into recovery from a stroke, mum put me and dad on the train home, went to a friend's for lunch and when she got back 90 minutes later nan had gone.

I won't make any decision about the job until tomorrow. The earliest I could have started is 14th June as mum is due angioplasty on 7th but it seems likely that she'll have to postpone that as will probably be too soon/clash with funeral.

minty I am so sorry for your loss. You have fought for the best for him all the way.
🌺🌺🌺🌺