The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, with a refurbishment to celebrate the coming of Spring, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Hello Minty, I have not been here over the past few days. I was sorry to hear that your dad passed away. I have to say that you did so much for him at home and faught hard for him to get the end of life care he deserved. May he rest in peace.
I hope you can spend some time today - Wed with DD.
My feeling is that your mother might become very clingy once it hits her that your father has died. I know she wants L at the funeral. Tell your friend that he may be their so she can keep an eye on everything for you.
I read that you did not get the job. From what you told us the other job you know is coming up would suit you better job wise and time wise.

Thanks @Ilady and @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere

No the timing isn't right and I realised about half an hour before I got the email that it would actually be a relief if I didn't get the job. In another time it would have ideal for me (largely solo working, doing creative stuff in a huge office to myself!) but it's not right.

I haven't put in an application for the other job, which closes tomorrow and I'm not sure I will.

I think I need this next few months to gather myself back together again, support mum and spend time with DD.

I have a job to go back to, with largely supportive colleagues who know me and what I've been through. I think going back into a familiar and safe environment, whilst working on my other skills, (and my book!) is going to be the best thing for me.

Minty Please don't be me. When dad died very suddenly I supported mum, I gave up my job because she needed me so much. If I could turn back time I would do things very differently. I would be much less available except for taking her to social things that she could eventually take herself to. My dad had done everything for her for years so it was easiest for her to have me slip into that role rather than do things for herself. The support she needed was not the support she wanted though, every time I would suggest this group or that group she'd pull a face and say that I was enough company for her. At the time I never thought where that was leading.

Oh bless you knot

I hope I'm going the right way about it.

There is a community centre down the road that hosts a couple of Cruse groups so I've messaged this morning to find out if/when they will be restarting. Her neighbour opposite popped in yesterday and said she went to them when she lost her DH a few years ago so I'm hoping that will be a winner.

I think it will also appeal to her as it won't necessarily be all women or old people!

She's joined Widows Dating online (!) and is keen to look at U3A which she and dad were planning to join when he has his fall.

I stayed Sunday night and last night, planning to go home tonight and stay tomorrow after we've met with the funeral directors.

Apparently her friends have asked if I'm staying with her full time atm . Honestly I wouldn't mind doing that for a week or so if I thought she'd be OK when I stopped,but it's much easier if she has lower expectations from the get go!

She's always been independent from a practical pov, very much the one that wore the trousers, she just can't bear being on her own.

@MintyCedric

Mosse is the first to admit she has been exceptionally lucky on several fronts. She wrote a bestseller, which enabled her to buy a big enough house for an annexe. She and her husband were self-employed, so their time was flexible and they could juggle the constant rounds of medical appointments and responsibilities. She collaborated with siblings living close by. She had the financial resources to pay for private care when needed.

Yep...definitely sounds like a typical carer experience...not!

That lot basically disqualifies her from describing from personal experience what it's like for the average carer. Caring isn't about wiping someone's bum once or twice when you've got nothing else on, it's about the unrelenting aspect of it, never being able to relax because you're waiting for that phone call, tuning out at 3 in the morning to get a fallen elderly person back to bed, and then to clear the wreckage and blood they left behind them, if you're caring for someone in your own home it's the never getting enough sleep. None of this will she have experienced.

Minty sorry you weren't offered the job. But it's good practice and a learning experience for the one you really want.

I haven't put in an application for the other job, which closes tomorrow and I'm not sure I will. Minty, don’t close options. If you apply, you can back out at any stage. If you don’t apply, you can’t change your mind.

Agree with dint please don’t close off options.
And DONT stay every night. Her friends can move in……
For your sanity, and dd, protect yourself.
And knot 🌺🌺

At the time my dad died one of my collegues took me aside and said I needed to be cruel to be kind, to encourage mum to build a new life of her own even though it would be hard. At that time I hadn't woken up to the fact that it wasn't my job to make everyone happy, I had no boundaries in my private life and I had "doormat" stamped all over me so really, it was only ever going to go one way.

I did read "The Selfish Pig's guide to caring", I suspect that it is closer to the experience of the majority of carers than the book reviewed above. There's also the possibility that in five years time I might look back and rabbit on about how blessed I was to have this opportunity to come back from shopping and have 11 messages on my answer machine and phone calls from 7am to 9pm. That's the way that memory works, you can be selective with it.

Another stupid question...when you tell the 'important' people the funeral date/time...do you/can you ask them to provisionally RSVP so you have an idea of numbers for catering afterwards?

Mum and I have very different ideas about the wake...I think, just assume 40 odd people will rock up, book function room in local pub and crack on.

Mum doesn't want to have anything OTT or wasteful as dad always said he wanted something low key and simple. I still think he deserves a half decent send off and the funeral is a rite of passage for those left behind.

For my husband I booked a function room in a local pub and had them cater. It was a total rip off but they were close to the crematorium which was important for the out of area contingent.

Mum had a really good go at kicking off a massive family fallout as she said she wasn't having "a party" and people should just go home after the service. I thought she was being unreasonable as people would have travelled a fair way and should have something to eat and the chance to catch up and tell their favourite stories about dad. She was adamant - no party. Dad's sister said she'd organise it and that started WW3, who does she think she is? etc etc. There was a bit of ranting, everyone was upset and I could have done without it (yes, I organised everything as mum was too upset, dad's siblings and I didn't count in the grief stakes). In the end I booked a buffet at a local hotel and told mum she could show her face and leave immediately if she wanted. She didn't, she stopped to the end.

It's not wasteful, it's an opportunity for people to share their stories. I'm on team Minty on this one, book somewhere away from the home so you can skip out when you've had enough.

Take heed of the advise offered above Minty. When my DF died I spent way too much time with DM afterwards, and she became dependent on me to do so much for her.

When my DB died we hired a room in a pub and the manager provided bar snacks which was great. I think people only really expect finger food.

I actually went to this pub for a school reunion in 2019 and they did a decent buffet of typical sandwiches, crisps, scotch eggs, sausage rolls...that kind of thing which would be fine.

In non-Covid times and if I was in charge it would be different...not OTT but a bit more special and more 'dad', but so long as it's sorted and we don't have to do much that's okay by me.

None of the 'important' people are local and they're all fairly elderly so mum is assuming that if they turn up they'll just want to head straight off, but based on my uncle's funeral I don't think that'll be the case, and it will be a lot of the same people coming.

My other uncle hadn't organised anything afterwards which was really confusing for everyone, but we all ended up in Wetherspoona having a few beers and curry which was ctaully really lovely.

As for being solo support person...I'm off in just under an hour and won't be back until tomorrow.

Another stupid question...when you tell the 'important' people the funeral date/time...do you/can you ask them to provisionally RSVP so you have an idea of numbers for catering afterwards? I don't think you can ask the RSVP about the funeral - but you can ask them to RSVP about the afterwards. Then of course you have to invite everyone back when you do the handshake/distanced locking of eyes after the event. Make sure you look up the current Covid limits.

Yes, you're right, the wake is for everyone else,they also need some way of closing off the goodbyes. Having been to a funeral last summer, it's deeply unsatisfying not not to be able to mix and mingle afterwards. I suppose it's because you're basically a spectator at the funeral, and there's a psychological need to do something active to say goodbye, even if it's only sharing memories with people you've met once in 50 years and will never meet again.

There's the other side - that now weddings are organised and paid for by the couple rather than by the parents, as an elderly relative you can't guarantee an invite, so the only family events where all the elderly relatives can catch up are the funerals.So yes, they will all want to hang around and talk.

I was just going to message/email the arrangements and say:

Whilst we understand people won't necessarily be able to commit to attending at this stage, if you are planning to it would be really helpful if you'd let us know so we can cater accordingly.

Do you know how many people are allowed to the service and wake under the new rules Minty?

As many as can be accommodated with social distancing. Smallest chapel holds 75 I think...anticipating 30-40.

No rules about wakes as far as I can gather.

Minty I am so sorry that your special dad has gone. Your love for him shone through in your posts. You were obviously a fantastic daughter.

Maybe the venue can give you some guidance about numbers for the wake because it is all so confusing with the rule changes.

Minty I am so sorry that your special dad has gone. Your love for him shone through in your posts.

Well that's made me cry...and I'm glad my love for him shone through because he was a lovely man and an amazing father. He lost his dad when he was 2.5, was evacuated to a commune in Yorkshire with his pregnant mum and younger brother, and on their return to London, was taken into care and separated from his brothers.

He never had any role model growing up and was 37 when I was born so quite old by 1970's standards, and yet he just threw himself into it all from nappy changes and night feeds, having his afternoon nap (early starts as he was postie) with me having mine on his chest, to trips to the park and the corner shops; early morning hikes with slap up breakfasts at the end and later on the pub; getting home from a night shift and staying up to run me to the station for college instead of going straight to bed. Sharing his love of the arts, travel, food and natural history. Always encouraging me to be true to myself and have adventures wherever I could get them...

I was so very, very lucky he was mine.

We are going to be able to see him tomorrow afternoon when we go to make the arrangements. It will truly harrowing going with mum...I'm going to let it be all about her tomorrow and quietly arrange to see him on my own another time.

Here he is...how I like to think of him 🙂

Oh minty you write so beautifully about your lovely dad. Hold on to all those lovely memories.
Sending strength for today and the days to come.

Lovely happy picture. Holding onto those memories is good. Sending you love and support for today

What a lovely photo.

Minty your dad doesn't need to be there for you to still hear his voice, I hear my dad every time I go up a ladder or pick up the hedge trimmer. I know what he would say if he were there watching me and that's still with me decades after his death.