The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, with a refurbishment to celebrate the coming of Spring, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

The emotional blackmail from her is wearing me out and I just don’t know what to do now. She is 85 and my dad died 4 years ago, they didn’t have a good marriage but the way she goes on about him, one minute she hates him, then it’s all tears. She has no idea of the strain we have been under, or more accurately she doesn’t care. I’m worried about my son,we have left our lives behind us to restart here and she has made it unbearable. I’ve managed to spend the last couple of days with Dh in the other flat we are renting but have to go back to mum tonight and I’m dreading it, the atmosphere is awful and I don’t want to go back. Ds has to go back as he has his Covid jag tomorrow

And no @Rhannion you're not alone, lovely.

Posted before I'd finished because my cat has enormous feet and marched across the keyboard (he's not called the Tank for nothing!)

Could your mum have one of those Lifeline alarms?
That way if she did have a fall she could get help quickly and if necessary medical help straightaway.

Hugs @Rhannion

my dad died 4 years ago, they didn’t have a good marriage but the way she goes on about him, one minute she hates him, then it’s all tears.

Oh I can so relate to this and tbf it's not helping my patience with mum...I can never be sure if she's crying from dad, herself or the situation with the bloody carer.

Compassion fatigue doesn't even begin to describe it. I literally feel nothing but irritation when she gets upset and then I feel guilty because I should be able to empathise and want to comfort her but there's just nothing there.

She has no idea of the strain we have been under, or more accurately she doesn’t care.

That's exactly how I feel.

She has one of those alarms now and a key box too, but I think it’s the lack of stimulation and company as much as anything else. She and her friend would go out at least once a week on the bus, but then lockdown happened, then we got here, went to the other city , then she had the fall so now housebound. Although the OT lady has been wonderful and now mum has a Zimmer and one of those trolly seat thing too, she certainly can’t go out on her own. It’s the phoning me at 7am when I’m there or in the other place, the fetching and carrying, the endless washing and cleaning. She has a weak bladder so uses the tena pants at night and pads during the day. Not a thank you for anything I do, my Dh sits in the kitchen not the living room because she hisses at me she doesn’t want him in the house, it’s outrageous. I told her you are not keeping me from my family and I’m not letting my marriage suffer because of her unpleasant attitude. He has been so kind to her over the years, paid for mum and dad to visit us every second year we were aboard, and we would try to come home in between he cuts her toenails for her and this is how she treats him!

I honestly wish we had stayed away. We have left our home rented out because we couldn’t sell due to Covid, our friends, our lovely pets who are being fostered by friends, our furniture, my son left his lovely girlfriend to come here where we aren’t welcome and treated like crap! I want to jump on the next plane back, but we are stuck now.

I just feel empty and sad.

Rhannion our lovely dog passed away last month. Ten weeks before he died my faraway student sent us a USB wifi pet camera with remote access for £25 off amazon. From 400 miles away she would watch him in his bed a couple of times through the night to check he hadn't a seizure, fallen off it etc while we slept as for a while we had been doing bedside vigils. It even had a voice control where she could call out to him. (Actually that was really surreal and frightening the first time.) My DSis and I said we wished such technology had existed when we were in the thick of things with our parents.

Sorry, cross posted with you Rhannion. Actually reading your latest posts I would return. You've given it a go playing by her rules but enough is enough.

I am so sorry about your dog, they are so precious and loving. Last year we lost our beautiful irish wolfhound who was my hairy baby and a dear friend of ours died leaving her son an orphan at 18 so last year to this year has been truly awful and I’m still heartbroken. No sympathy from her, “ oh he was an old dog, oh your friend should have acted earlier when she got ill”
I just feel like I hate her and it’s awful to admit that. We have to cope with our beautiful dog dying, a wonderful friend dying , moving country, trying to find our feet again , Dh new job, son having to work online for school as not one school here would take him as he turned 18 during lockdown, it’s been relentless pressure and stress but it’s all about her , her feelings, her needs. She has always been overbearing and very strict with me, still sees me as a wee girl and can’t see that I had my own life since getting my own flat years ago & then getting married, having her only grandchild, having miscarriages, then my dad who was the opposite to her.

I am sorry I’ve taken over the thread here with my woes, I can’t really tell anyone how I feel.,

@Rhannion there's no taking over anything here...it's a safe space to vent as you need and we all need it more or a less at different times and that's cool.

Unfortunately biology can't help your feelings when someone keeps on pushing you to your limits.

Rhannion sweetheart, don't apologise for saying what you need to get off your chest. This thread is here for everyone who needs it, when they need it. for as long as they need it. I'm pretty sure that most of us here have the anger/guilt t shirt.

Has your mother considered anything that would make her life easier? A move to a ground floor flat might be a start. What would she do if you were not there - would she have a cleaner, those carers she doesn't want? The statutory services would step in if she was not managing on her own but if there's family to do it then they don't need to. It's a different country and I have no idea how things are set up north of the border so I have little to offer except my sympathy.

Welcome Rhannion to the club that nobody wants to be a member of.

TBH my thoughts on reading you posts were 'fuck that'. What a shit situation all round. If your mum can't appreciate what you are doing - I would back away and let OT or social services put a care plan in place for her. You have your own family.

No one here will worry about taking over. We've all done it when our elderlies have been at their most difficult. You sound as if you really prioritised your mum and so when she dismissed her care package and is permanently rude to your DH, it's not surprising that you feel so frustrated and helpless. You've said you are stuck. Let's hope there are things you can do which might not put things back to exactly how they were before but can at least prioritise you and your DH, DS again.
You sound as if you have had an almighty awful year.
DH is having a pretty torrid time with MIL. When elderlies get to a certain age and have blissfully ignored all repeated advice to future proof, being house bound is inevitable. In my book , everyone else paying the consequence of their bad decisions shouldn't be inevitable.

There's a - not sure what to call it, a way of thinking, a philosophy? - that's often recommended to the families of addicts, called "detaching with love". It's worth a read up on, if you get chance.
I used to get really angry with mum about her choices. I mean, she still winds me up - but I accept that I can't change her, and I'm not responsible for her. You're not responsible for your mum Rhannion. By the sound of it everything that you can put in place you have put in place for her safety. What else does she need?

Mine's shitfaced again and making nuisance calls to the ambulance people. Fortunately in our house we don't take phone calls after 7pm so oh dear what a shame her Lifeline will have to deal with her issue. (I've sorted her out once already today. Not doing it twice.)

I really appreciate all your comments, you are all so kind. We have decided not to go back to her place tonight, but have a calm stress free night here. my Dh has just arrived home and finally can sit down and eat. We will go back tomorrow. Thank you and hope you all have a good evening.,

rhiannon vent away here. All welcome!
hairbrush enjoy your escape! My god you’ve earntevery precious second.
minty enjoy your break too. Your dm is astonishing
nota how are you doing? And knot hope you are keeping up the good work!
Calm here touch wood! 🤞

I met up with my nephew yesterday (he's in his 30s). He told me that he has had to stop going to see my DM because she is always so rude to him, comparing him unfavourably with other relatives, etc. Apparently my parents didn't send him a birthday / xmas card or present after his parents split up, as they blamed his mother for it. Jeez. I thought I got the brunt of it, but it turns out other people in the family get it worse.

We are coming to a potential crunch point with my mum next month. My disabled sibling lives with mum (autistic plus LDs). Mum's dementia has been getting progressively worse as the months go on. She doesn't know who I am now, but is generally pleasant enough when I look after her. She is asleep much of the time,but believes she still looks after my sibling. Anyway, social services have identified a brilliant place for my sibling to move to, first time ever they will have left home, and sibling seems ok with the idea. However, mum has caught wind of the plan and is trying to sabotage. Has huge influence over sibling and wants them to live with her til death. It's horribly stressful.

Has your sibling got a social worker ? If so could they work as a advocate for their best interests ?

Yes, the social worker is great and we are all pushing to make this happen. It's just mum who will potentially scupper the plans. She has form for stopping sibling doing anything (I.e. going on holiday or out for the day)

Sounds like a fantastic opportunity for your sib to start to live a bit. I hope your DM can be persuaded that it is time to allow them their independence.

Surely if your mother has a diagnosis , without being mean , her opinion should stand for diddily squat ?

You're absolutely right Sunny. The issue is her influence over my sibling is still very strong. So if mum says it's not going to happen it probably won't happen. I've said to her 'so what will happen when you die' for years now and been told 'family will look after them'. So that's me then?? Nope.