The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, with a refurbishment to celebrate the coming of Spring, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@AChickenCalledDaal

I'm not either Acorn. I'm not even that good at taking care of myself, frankly.

This has sparked an interesting thought

I can do stuff like cook meals from scratch but I bloody hate it. I have done/do it for mum but it's not something I enjoy or something that comes naturally to me.

@AcornAutumn

I really understand what you're saying about people's expectations and judgements. The vast majority of people I know seem to either be 'get someone else to deal with entirely' or 'you should sacrifice yourself as much and for as long as necessary' with no in between.

You mention the neighbour and his wife and his brother, but that's 3 people sharing responsibility, not just one.

I would cheerfully live with dad and care for him myself full time but...there is no way I could deal with my mum in the same situation and I don't want to set a precedent, which makes me feel really guilty but it is what it is.

Minty "You mention the neighbour and his wife and his brother, but that's 3 people sharing responsibility, not just one. "

Agree. But it didn't start like that. He spent years with it just being him. His wife had two parents who lived into their 90s and she cared for them daily before they died.

I'm sure you could look after your dad. I couldn't have looked after mine.

Stupidly, that came as a surprise to me. Given how strongly I was against marriage and children, it should have been obvious. I've lived alone for years. I don't even like friends staying over now.

I can help in emergencies. But I can't even relax and watch TV with others around.

Interesting. I couldn’t do what you are minty
And acorn we are who we are- my sil spends so much time with her parents despite working etc and still having a Dc at home.
I cannot and will not spend more time with dm than what I feel I can manage unless in a crisis and there have been a few of those. I am sure she feels she should spend more time here/ I should take her out more but I won’t.
Sounds like you need time on your own to regroup and recharge. That’s ok- please don’t feel otherwise. 🌺🌺

I know the theme of taking care of ourselves comes up regularly on this thread, but I certainly haven't cracked it. I work full time, WFH for the past year, and struggle to find enough hours in the day to get everything done that needs doing, and get any rest. I really need to find a way of tipping the scale, but I feel like I am constantly juggling, and exhausted.

Last week the carer messaged me to say DM's bathroom sink/drain was blocked. I had to find and book a plumber online while I was on a Zoom call for work. I've been dodging the calls from the carers office who want to set up a face to face meeting to reassess DM's care plan, as I just don't have the capacity to deal with one more bloody thing.

notaflyingmonkey For what it's worth I think the key is recognising that the things that need doing in a day may not all need doing or may not need doing by you. Sometimes we push ourselves to get everything done when tomorrow would do. If you want to be free of the calls from the carer's office set up a meeting, it will be three weeks from now because that's the first time you are free. You can forget about it then for three weeks. You can't do everything, you can only do what you can do.

Acorn everyone makes their own life choices but they don't get to choose how other people live their lives. If your neighbour plans his day around his mother's needs then that is his choice, but it won't work for everyone and you don't have to feel guilty that it wouldn't work for you. All families are different, their relationships have been different all their lives. A difficult family situation that's been stressful for thirty years isn't magically going to resolve itself because someone needs care. That happens in the cinema but less in real life I think.

I think what knot says makes total sense.

...but I feel like I am constantly juggling, and exhausted.

Yep...and actually I do have some free time but I'm so exhausted/mentally drained when it comes around I struggle to do anything productive with it.

It's not so much the time itself but that I'm never in one place long enough to a/ get something done and b/ enjoy it. I can't tell you what I'd give right now to have a day or two at home having a good clean and declutter, then a couple fo days at home to enjoy it, but that possibility is still weeks away at a minimum.

Yesterday I did the school run, the dad's breakfast and when I got home I unplugged the phone for 3 hours...everyone survived.

It drives me potty being in dad's company for too long, and that's because everything's so slow! He now talks really really slowly, and I get so bored waiting for the end of the sentence. That doesn't say anything nice about me. My coping strategies are: phone - play mahjong solitaire while I listen; face to face - crochet lace while I listen. I'm really quite thankful that the visit I get next Tuesday will only be 15 mins Minty I can see you get pleasure out of looking after your Dad. You're doing something I couldn't.

actually I do have some free time but I'm so exhausted/mentally drained when it comes around I struggle to do anything productive with it. That's your problem! At the moment you shouldn't be trying to do something productive with your free time, you should be relaxing and recharging. If you're going to tell me hat there are thing that have to be done during your free time, then it's not free time. Glad to hear you unplugged the phone for 3 hours. It sound as if you need to do more of that.

Knot I don't have a stressful family situation though? Sorry, maybe it sounds like it because I moan a lot.

I just wish I had a button I could press to make me more of a people person.

Mere re the length of a sentence
I often feel as if people take ages to get to the point. If mum gets to be much older I really don't know how I'll cope.

nota are these care plans minor details? Everything is made into such a big deal nowadays, I can see that happening.

I helped my Dad move house about a year ago, so that he could be down the road. Overall, the move went a lot better than I thought it would. And it helps me to keep reminding myself that over the last year he would definitely have been more lonely, more vulnerable and just as frustrated if he had been living alone in the family home, at the other end of the country.

Whenever I feel I'm not doing enough, I remind myself that I've already done a lot to improve his situation. I recognise that feeling that there is just no mental or physical energy left to do anything else, but by setting some boundaries I'm just about staying on the right side of OK.

Minty I can see you get pleasure out of looking after your Dad.

I do tbf...but I feel terribly guilty that I know I would struggle to do the same for my mum.

The thing with the free time is that I get more angry and resentful if I don't do something with it. Sometimes I'm more accepting of it, other times not so much. There has been considerably more TV and afternoon naps lately (I'm really struggling with being back into 6.30am starts/school run mode again).

I conceded defeat and got a handyman in last week to do the half a dozen or so DIY jobs I've been putting off for months.

Have stressed to mum that once dad is in the home she can come to me more often so at least I can be getting on with things here and tbh she'd probably help out.

Minty "The thing with the free time is that I get more angry and resentful if I don't do something with it"

Exactly. I don't count recovery time - from any stress, work or parents or whatever - as "free" time.

I've had a day off today and actually been to work! By 10am Nan had rung my sister crying and she had to go and pick her up something from the chemist...I'm trying not to feel guilty - I have to get back to work sometime!!
I do usually like spending time with her but that was before the arm break when it was just tea and chatting - Now its actual care, I guess now I can see just how old she really is, she's never seemed that old before

@Nodancingshoes

I've had a day off today and actually been to work! By 10am Nan had rung my sister crying and she had to go and pick her up something from the chemist...I'm trying not to feel guilty - I have to get back to work sometime!! I do usually like spending time with her but that was before the arm break when it was just tea and chatting - Now its actual care, I guess now I can see just how old she really is, she's never seemed that old before

Really interesting statement!! Not blaming you at all.

@AcornAutumn Which bit??

Nodancingshoes

This bit "I do usually like spending time with her but that was before the arm break when it was just tea and chatting - Now its actual care, I guess now I can see just how old she really is, she's never seemed that old before"

I guess I always thought she'd stay the same kind, caring, independent nan that I've always known and loved. It's a rude awakening and one I really should have expected one day

It's a rude awakening and one I really should have expected one day

I never expected any of this either...everyone in my family bar a relative on each side who make it to 81, has passed away before 80, in sound mind and either very quickly as a result of a stroke/heart attack, or from cancer with a definitive diagnosis, prognosis and relevant support in place.

I did not expect to be hurtling towards fifty, having gained my freedom from an abusive marriage, only to be tied down by caring responsibilities.

I am not amused with fate right now, I can tell you!

I often feel as if people take ages to get to the point. If mum gets to be much older I really don't know how I'll cope. You'd struggle with dad - it can take him a full 5 seconds for a single word!

I did not expect to be hurtling towards fifty, having gained my freedom from an abusive marriage, only to be tied down by caring responsibilities. I had one great aunt who had dementia and was in a care home for a couple of years, but, being a great aunt I wasn't involved, so it's been a revelation to me how much can go wrong in old age. And an even bigger revelation when I read the "tool kit" for assessing entitlement to CHC and find out how much worse it can get.

"Free time" definitions - Free time to me is time when I can choose to do something that is not on my job list. And I don't really think of as productive anything that isn't on my job list, even though practising playing and instrument, or increasing my knowledge of botany is by any reasonable definition productive, especially since both enable me to contribute to "society". I think we often set unrealistically high standards for ourselves.

I've just spent an hour ploughing through both guidance and legislation for Covid for both England and Scotland in order to comment on a draft Covid advice notice for a particular activity. One thing I hope for after Covid is never to have to read anything written by the Government lawyers ever again.

Dad has told the carers this morning that he doesn't want to go into the residential home next week...he wants to stay at home.

They have raised it with me rather than mum for obvious reasons. Told them that he consented to the move prior to us getting the ball rolling, and asked to go in somewhere 'to give you and your mum a break' in the interim.

Also pointed out that since mum, as next of kin, is unwilling to have further support at home, the hospice has refused to get involved, and I can't be here 24/7, he cannot get the care he needs staying at home and will certainly suffer for that going forward.

He's said to me since that he thinks Mum wants him out of the way .

This is off the back of mum throwing a hissy fit last night as I ended up going home with DD instead of staying here as she was having a rough evening for various reasons.

I don't know what to do about his comment to the carers this morning. I've had a little chat with him since and he didn't even remember having the conversation, but the powers that be still consider him to have capacity.

Haven't mentioned it to mum yet. Feel exhausted already.

Minty "I've had a little chat with him since and he didn't even remember having the conversation, but the powers that be still consider him to have capacity."

This reminds me of dad being considered to have capacity.

I don't want to go into it too deeply but there was a point where mum would leave the room and he'd say "please persuade your mother to consider a hospice". And then when I tried, he'd say he had never asked.

I would say to the carers that a) you are on the verge of physical breakdown, and do emphasise the physical and b) tell them to talk to your mum rather than you.

I would certainly hold your ground. I get that your father may feel abandoned but the current state is the ruin of three lives instead of one.

PS actually it's not the ruin of one life because he goes into the home

I meant, he is very ill, but that is better dealt with by professionals rather than spoiling the lives of other people.

My father was in hospital for most of the last three months and kept apologising for being a bother. Of course I said "no bother" but I really appreciated him understanding that.

It would not have occurred to us, even mum, for whom he was The World, to have cared for him at home. I looked into nursing homes because they kept telling us he'd live. There is no way we'd have done what you and your mum are doing, Minty.

Mere I no longer think about whether I'm useful to society though I guess I did in the past. The past really is another country.

I mentioned on another thread that I watched Trainspotting the other night and the nostalgia....! But, I had forgotten the part where Renton says - paraphrasing - if there was such a thing as society, it had nothing to do with me.

Do you count botany and music as part of free time?

@AcornAutumn

PS actually it's not the ruin of one life because he goes into the home

I meant, he is very ill, but that is better dealt with by professionals rather than spoiling the lives of other people.

My father was in hospital for most of the last three months and kept apologising for being a bother. Of course I said "no bother" but I really appreciated him understanding that.

It would not have occurred to us, even mum, for whom he was The World, to have cared for him at home. I looked into nursing homes because they kept telling us he'd live. There is no way we'd have done what you and your mum are doing, Minty.

All of this ^

We've had the call...transfer will be 1.30 - 2pm on Monday.

We have no idea how long this could go on for. The last thing I want is for him to get the stage where he needs frequent palliative intervention and we're having to call out the Echo team constantly and wait however long for them to attend.

It makes more sense for him to be somewhere those needs can be handled quickly 24/7.

It's the 10 day quarantine when we can't visit that is really distressing.

Minty, that's good that they've set it now xx