Advice please: Elderly mil cannot carry on living with me

[joystir59]

Sorry if this is a bit long:
My DW died in July. Her mum had been living with us for some years at this point. There is another daughter who is very hands off and lives approx 200 miles away
Mil is 87, poor sight, poor hearing, bad mobility, not able to manage her own affairs or communicate without extensive help, struggles to use the shower. I support her with shopping, laundry and overseeing things like GP reviews. She hasn't left the house for years. She is reclusive and uncooperative, will not grant her surviving daughter LPA, hasn't written a will, doesn't like anyone coming in to provide care or support e.g. if I want to go away. She is scared of being left alone at night and not able to leave the house unaided.
I have decided that she cannot continue to live here and I'm not prepared to become her carer and give up my freedom. I also don't think her needs are being met, and this will get worse. I want her to go into a nursing or residential home near her other daughter so daughter can oversee her care.
I understand she will need a Care Needs Assessment. Does anyone know if this can be done here where she now lives but then be used by the local authority in her daughter's area? Does anyone know how difficult it is to get an assessment that a residential home is needed?).
Any advice on any aspect of the process gratefully received.

Thank you for all the good wishes, I will update you all tomorrow.

Sil has emotional difficulties regarding relationship with her mum.

Sil has this morning stated that she does not want to be involved in plans for her mother.

@oil0W0lio
Your post is very insightful and an accurate description of mil's situation. I have the deepest compassion for her- I have a good idea where her dysfunctionality springs from, very painful past events and a generational inability to express feelings. But I am connecting to an even deeper compassion towards myself.

This is so hard!

That’s shocking regarding sil but at least you know where you stand with her. One less party to consult etc

@fabulousathome
This is so helpful, I will do this, thank you

@Frazzled2207
Yes I asked her a straight question and got a straight answer, and clarity, which is helpful.

I tell you something, I'm not sitting in my own house getting ever more frail and doddery. I'm making sound plans for my own dotage. How dreadful to become an unwelcome burden!

I completely agree, Joystir!

I struggle with my mother. She's not an easy person, not a nice person. She can't understand that her D.C. and GC aren't responsible for her happiness. She certainly didn't prioritise ours at all, ever. Sent some of us to boarding school, made the rest of us miserable. Went on holiday without us frequently. Now however we are all supposed to revolve about her.

But I am connecting to an even deeper compassion towards myself
and so you should, ones first duty has to be to one's self!
That's pretty stark with the SIL but at least she is being straight

OP

You’re doing the best you can. You have already taken in the burden of your MIL solely since July. You have already done so much.

Now you’re taking charge to get things moving so your MIL can go into care when your SIL can’t be arsed to do so. Please do ignore all the negative comments. You’re doing more than what should be expected. Give yourself a hug. You were left in this position. It’s not what was meant to be, not your plan and I dare say not likely the plan your wife had either. You were all dealt shirty cards and you d been doing the best you can.

It’s good you’ve been having the discussions with MIL, that she knows she can’t stay and needs to go into care or some time of supported living.

Many condolences for the loss of your wife.

Hope it goes well tomorrow and the ball gets rolling.

MIL just thought, or didn't exactly think, but at some level assumed she would have my DW as her saviour for the whole of her life. She isn't a horrible person, she has been damaged by awful DV experiences in her marriage, but she never especially took to me despite my best efforts, it's a bond born of necessity and she's been nicer to me since DW passed away- she has to be I guess. I just hope the social worker doesn't conclude that she could manage living independently, as I really do not think she could.

@picklemewalnuts
I hope you manage to carve some freedom for yourself and resist her demands.

@LongTimeMammaBear
Thank you, people in here really do get the situation and are really kind. Thank you so much

That's a great suggestion Fabulous

Hoping it all goes well for you tomorrow joystir.

My Mum who had never really provided any care, lots of neglect, emotional abuse and sometimes violence told my and DSis last week that she won't ever go into care as she has us to look after her. We pointed out that we both work and no, that won't be happening.

Good luck for tomorrow. Just be sure you and mil are totally open about the situation (I know you have said you will be and pp have already given same advice). Basically paint the bleakest picture. My DF had a major stroke and was in hospital for 3 months. He could not do a single thing for himself. Social services still assessed him with the view to him going home and having carers. Me and my DSis were so stressed. He would have been so vulnerable and alone. The left side of his brain was dead yet the social worker still questioned him and was adamant he wanted to go home, not into care! Luckily after they assessed his home they could see it was inappropriate. He went into residential care. This was mainly funded through the LA and it was lovely, we couldn't have wished for better.

Good luck Op.

Hope you have a really constructive meeting tomorrow x

Good Luck OP
You have gone above and beyond.

Stress that caring for her is affecting you and be very clear you cannot do it any lomger. Don't let the social worker say well can you manage another two weeks, cause after that it will be you have managed for two weeks so you can manage further.

Mil needs respite now and the home Can support with assessing her needs...

Good luck and do not feel bad for saying you cannot do it!

That was short and sweet. The person who came was from the Independent Living team, to try and persuade me to keep mil here. I refused everything she offered, so now mil will be referred to the Planned Care team and allocated a social worker with a view to mil being placed in residential care.

@joystir59

That was short and sweet. The person who came was from the Independent Living team, to try and persuade me to keep mil here. I refused everything she offered, so now mil will be referred to the Planned Care team and allocated a social worker with a view to mil being placed in residential care.

Yep, they'll do ANYTHING to leave them with someone else. You have to be very firm and chase them up and be prepared to walk the walk. 'My wife is deceased. I can no longer care for her mother.'

@joystir59

That was short and sweet. The person who came was from the Independent Living team, to try and persuade me to keep mil here. I refused everything she offered, so now mil will be referred to the Planned Care team and allocated a social worker with a view to mil being placed in residential care.

That's a good step forward. Did MIL speak honestly? It's going to take time and persistence on your part, but you'll get there. In the meantime, try to be kind to yourself. I don't think you've had space to grieve from your terrible loss. I'm so sorry that you have this extra issue to handle. Your SIL should be ashamed of herself.