Advice please: Elderly mil cannot carry on living with me

[joystir59]

Sorry if this is a bit long:
My DW died in July. Her mum had been living with us for some years at this point. There is another daughter who is very hands off and lives approx 200 miles away
Mil is 87, poor sight, poor hearing, bad mobility, not able to manage her own affairs or communicate without extensive help, struggles to use the shower. I support her with shopping, laundry and overseeing things like GP reviews. She hasn't left the house for years. She is reclusive and uncooperative, will not grant her surviving daughter LPA, hasn't written a will, doesn't like anyone coming in to provide care or support e.g. if I want to go away. She is scared of being left alone at night and not able to leave the house unaided.
I have decided that she cannot continue to live here and I'm not prepared to become her carer and give up my freedom. I also don't think her needs are being met, and this will get worse. I want her to go into a nursing or residential home near her other daughter so daughter can oversee her care.
I understand she will need a Care Needs Assessment. Does anyone know if this can be done here where she now lives but then be used by the local authority in her daughter's area? Does anyone know how difficult it is to get an assessment that a residential home is needed?).
Any advice on any aspect of the process gratefully received.

To be honest that was the correct approach from SW. They are duty bound to explore elderly people remaining in the community. Yes it is cheaper but in a lot of cases it's also what the individual and the family want. You cannot offer this so they then move to the next step. Hopefully that will progress smoothly for you both.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. I can’t imagine how you’ve been able to grieve while having to deal with this as well.

You have absolutely gone above and beyond for your MIL and now it’s time to focus on yourself and get yourself some respite.

You’ve done the right thing with social services and while I’m not surprised I feel outraged on your behalf at their response trying to pressure you. I wonder if they’d do the same if it was a man left responsible for his mother in law. I doubt it highly

@joystir59

That was short and sweet. The person who came was from the Independent Living team, to try and persuade me to keep mil here. I refused everything she offered, so now mil will be referred to the Planned Care team and allocated a social worker with a view to mil being placed in residential care.

Blimey, they must know that you are in a stressful and difficult situation and therefore likely to be fragile... and they play hard ball Exploit the situation, much ☹️

Your SIL should be ashamed of herself
Maybe but then again she's acting out of self-interest, and ultimately she has no legal duty of care towards her mother
one could argue that she has a moral duty of but given what Opie has said about this elderly lady it could also be argued in the other direction ....that her mother has already failed in her duty of care so why should the daughter step up?

@joystir59

That was short and sweet. The person who came was from the Independent Living team, to try and persuade me to keep mil here. I refused everything she offered, so now mil will be referred to the Planned Care team and allocated a social worker with a view to mil being placed in residential care.

I had a similar experience when the ILC Team expected my 96 year old blind father to care for my virtually immobile, extremely frail mother who was having multiple falls. He could barely care for himself. Keep reinforcing that the situation is untenable, her safety is compromised and the situation will break down in the near future. Good luck 🤞🏻

@joystir59

Sil has this morning stated that she does not want to be involved in plans for her mother.

Tough shit really She’s her next of kin, not you

Well done

Glad that the first part of the process is done. Keeping people in the community it’s always the first step, and local authorities have to demonstrate that this has been discussed.
This is because it is obviously the least restrictive option, even if this clashes with what is in the best interest re the persons well-being.

At least the social worker will approach with the plan being residential placement.

Well done OP. Make sure SiL is registered as her next of kin even if she doesn't want to be involved as such; she can tell SS that herself.

I must just say something in mil's defence. She is now a difficult elderly person, but wasn't always so. From what I can gather she was a loving and caring mum to both daughters. She experienced horrendous DV and never had any counselling, it wasn't common back in the day. Her experiences have eventually resulted in her mental health deteriorating, and her becoming v passive, withdrawn, at times psychotic and at times v unpleasant (sometimes directed at me!).

I don't know what SIL experienced. I know both daughters were triggered by being around mil, but my DW was able to still take responsibility and care for her mum, SIL is the younger sister and DW always protected her, made excuses for her.

So I choose not to judge.

And I am not part of the very heavy family dynamic and cannot continue to carry the heavy weight of it. I will drown. Mil needs professional care and support.

Make no mistake, if you give social services an inch they will take a mile,. Forget about appealing to them about what is best for your mother-in-law or yourself, they do not give a shit about that. What they do want is to dodge the financial burden of taking your MIL into care and they will use every trick in the book to keep her in your house. They will guilt-trip you, cancel appointments, give you long deadlines and yarns about there being no room in local residential homes. Take absolutely no notice. Ring them up and say you have reconsidered and just cannot wait 28 days for your MIL to be assessed, let alone longer for her to be removed from your house. Tell them they have two weeks to find her emergency care somewhere and warn them that you are at the absolute end of your tether and cannot guarantee that you will not have a breakdown and harm her if she isn’t moved elsewhere very sharpish - and put all that into writing. Sounds awful?

Appalling post and yes you do sound awful.

OP, ignore this mean spirited bullshit along with the guilt trippers and the bekind gits.

💐to you OP

dodge the financial burden of taking your MIL into care and they will use every trick in the book
😕😟
They call themselves social services but what kind of "service" operates like that😳

They call themselves social services but what kind of "service" operates like that😳

The kind of service that is chronically underfunded and over worked and still trying to do their best despite being abused and despised. That kind of department. Trying being less of a dick about people who are trying to help with no resources to do so.
They aren't trying to get out of helping for shitz and giggle, ffs.

Trying being less of a dick
Sorry you've lost me🤔who is trying being less of the dick🤔 the grammar doesn't seem to quite add up🤷🏼‍♀️

It makes me sad to see such negative comments and opinions of adult services on here.
Also, the comments about OP’s MIL. She is a person, and this is how OP and adult services are treating her.

If you have had a bad experience then fair enough, but the vitriol shown is awful.

joystir59 I've followed your story - for all you've gone through. I haven't had an easy relationship with my MIL ever after DH died but at least I don't have to see her every day. I hope you find the space and freedom you need.

Hi OP, consider this morning one of a set of hurdles you have to get over along the way. I’d imagine they have to go through a series of escalating actions to find the lowest one that works rather than agreeing to a residential home straight away. Some people may find that actually they don’t need to go down that route and independent living support is better than they thought. This isn’t the situation here.

It can’t be easy for you trying to balance your own needs and those of MIL, and I think you’re doing a great job personally. If you have some space from her you may even be able to have a better relationship in future.

Keep standing firm @joystir59, I think you're amazing to have had your mil living with you at any point.
If you go away (when you can) do tell SS as they should have some sort of rapid assessment team who can find places at short notice and to be honest it's often the case that people taken in for emergency respite care are reassessed while in that care and just don't leave.

Well done @joystir59 - first step of the process done. Keep on the case with them if you don't hear.

And I think it's probably a good thing that you are able to be dispassionate and are not disentangling complex emotions/FOG stuff around growing up with your MIL.

MIL needs to give consent for a care needs assessment, you can fill in the form online. We did this recently for FIL because he refuses carers and DH cannot meet his needs. Sound familiar?
SS were quick to respond with phone call but as FIL would pay for care it would be silly to pay them on top just to oversee it.
If MIL doesn’t give consent for a care needs assessment then I think you will need to phone SS and state you are unable to care for MIL, it is impacting on your well-being and you want her to be properly cared for. You may need to stress how difficult it is for you and that you feel like throwing in the towel as it were and driving her to her daughters or something.
Because MIL cannot fund residential care you will need to be firm and stress that you cannot and will not continue to care for her.
Good luck, you are in a very difficult situation but there is a way out and please do not let SIL leave the welfare of her mother entirely in your hands.

Sorry, hadn’t rtft,