Advice please: Elderly mil cannot carry on living with me

[joystir59]

Sorry if this is a bit long:
My DW died in July. Her mum had been living with us for some years at this point. There is another daughter who is very hands off and lives approx 200 miles away
Mil is 87, poor sight, poor hearing, bad mobility, not able to manage her own affairs or communicate without extensive help, struggles to use the shower. I support her with shopping, laundry and overseeing things like GP reviews. She hasn't left the house for years. She is reclusive and uncooperative, will not grant her surviving daughter LPA, hasn't written a will, doesn't like anyone coming in to provide care or support e.g. if I want to go away. She is scared of being left alone at night and not able to leave the house unaided.
I have decided that she cannot continue to live here and I'm not prepared to become her carer and give up my freedom. I also don't think her needs are being met, and this will get worse. I want her to go into a nursing or residential home near her other daughter so daughter can oversee her care.
I understand she will need a Care Needs Assessment. Does anyone know if this can be done here where she now lives but then be used by the local authority in her daughter's area? Does anyone know how difficult it is to get an assessment that a residential home is needed?).
Any advice on any aspect of the process gratefully received.

I am late to this thread but wow, this must have been so so hard for you. I’m so glad that you are finally getting close to a resolution. It is really really hard caring for elderly loved-ones in your own home let alone your MIL at the same time as grieving for your DW. Wish you all the very best going forwards

@AtSwimTwoBerts

Make no mistake, if you give social services an inch they will take a mile,. Forget about appealing to them about what is best for your mother-in-law or yourself, they do not give a shit about that. What they do want is to dodge the financial burden of taking your MIL into care and they will use every trick in the book to keep her in your house. They will guilt-trip you, cancel appointments, give you long deadlines and yarns about there being no room in local residential homes. Take absolutely no notice. Ring them up and say you have reconsidered and just cannot wait 28 days for your MIL to be assessed, let alone longer for her to be removed from your house. Tell them they have two weeks to find her emergency care somewhere and warn them that you are at the absolute end of your tether and cannot guarantee that you will not have a breakdown and harm her if she isn’t moved elsewhere very sharpish - and put all that into writing. Sounds awful?

Appalling post and yes you do sound awful.

OP, ignore this mean spirited bullshit along with the guilt trippers and the bekind gits.

I'm guessing you're a social worker.

Am busy researching/visiting all the homes on the list provided by the social worker. I have faith in getting to the right outcome for mil and me.

Hello Joy, having read the thread, well done for persevering and you are absolutely doing the right thing by yourself and by MIL. Grief is such hard work and hoping that you will find time for yourself once the MIL saga is sorted out.

Latest update, have helped mil chose a home, and have notified her social worker. Spent all of Easter on this, happy that I've taken everything into account, done all the research and made a good choice. Social worker is passing it to the brokerage team so should hear next steps tomorrow. He is planning for her to move within a week. All good so far.

Am fairly wrung out with it all. But I need peace of mind after this.

What will you do about NOK details?

Her NOK is her daughter, so I will give them her details.

Oh that's good news. Wow. You'll have your house back just as the pubs open. You can go out for a drink to celebrate!

I really admire the way you've handled this

Well it's not a done deal yet, there's a question about her finances but social worker very aware that I cannot and will not sort that out, the brokerage team have to sort it out and then there is the whole awfulness and endless details of her actually moving out, but then I can rest a bit. Thank you all so much for your encouragement and support

You sound so tired Joystir. I’m sure you’ve helped MIL to make the right choice for her and you can each start working out your new way of life soon. Hang on in there. It sounds as though you are dreading this moving out process. What is worrying you in particular or are you just running out of steam?

I haven’t read all the thread but have read ops comments and updates.

Sounds like it’s all sorting itself out and you’ve done the right thing.

At the end of the day she’s not your mother. And whilst I’m sure you care for her you don’t need to provide care for her. And you’re caring for her by helping to fix this.

Moving day provisionally set for 16th. Mil planning what to take and wants a few new bits. She has livened up somewhat! All good so far.

That's incredible! What a great result.

@joystir59

Moving day provisionally set for 16th. Mil planning what to take and wants a few new bits. She has livened up somewhat! All good so far.

Brilliant news! I'm so impressed by your compassion and forth-rightness. It should be good for both of you.

Great news OP. I can't imagine what an awful year you have had dealing with all this heartbreak in the middle of the pandemic. I hope you enjoy peace and freedom to grieve your wife in your own way soon.

Well done. I'm sure you'll both be much happier in time.

Well done you. I hope all goes smoothly and you can both find some happiness in your new ci.

Circumstances.

I'm so glad to hear your update. Well done to you, and to your MIL, who seems to be handling this very well and co-operatively.

I hope you enjoy peace and freedom to grieve your wife in your own way soon.

Absolutely that.

Moving day provisionally set for 16th. Mil planning what to take and wants a few new bits. She has livened up somewhat! All good so far.

You're ok the home run now with less than a week to go. I can see that MIL is thinking about the move, have you been able to think a little of what you'd like to do, even if it's just a walk with a friend?

Thank you for all the positive encouragement. I hope I'm making the right choice, I hope she settles ok, I hope she doesn't have a massive dip in her mental well-being.
I'm looking forward to a greater sense of freedom but also recognise that I'm going to find it very strange to begin with. I have various things planned with friends and family going forward. The first little plan is an outdoor gathering of dog walking friends to celebrate my dog's birthday and gotcha day.

You've done a bloody marvelous job, you are a lovely person and I hope this brings you some peace knowing she's settled and you can reflect and grieve

Two more sleeps in this house for mil, but not in her bed, because she gets to take her lovely expensive double bed to the care home with her. Along with her TV that she understands and is her only form of entertainment. I've spent all afternoon ironing name labels into her clothes. It's all coming together. On Saturday I will rest!