Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

Advice please: Elderly mil cannot carry on living with me

475 replies

joystir59 · 28/02/2021 18:36

Sorry if this is a bit long:
My DW died in July. Her mum had been living with us for some years at this point. There is another daughter who is very hands off and lives approx 200 miles away
Mil is 87, poor sight, poor hearing, bad mobility, not able to manage her own affairs or communicate without extensive help, struggles to use the shower. I support her with shopping, laundry and overseeing things like GP reviews. She hasn't left the house for years. She is reclusive and uncooperative, will not grant her surviving daughter LPA, hasn't written a will, doesn't like anyone coming in to provide care or support e.g. if I want to go away. She is scared of being left alone at night and not able to leave the house unaided.
I have decided that she cannot continue to live here and I'm not prepared to become her carer and give up my freedom. I also don't think her needs are being met, and this will get worse. I want her to go into a nursing or residential home near her other daughter so daughter can oversee her care.
I understand she will need a Care Needs Assessment. Does anyone know if this can be done here where she now lives but then be used by the local authority in her daughter's area? Does anyone know how difficult it is to get an assessment that a residential home is needed?).
Any advice on any aspect of the process gratefully received.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 29/03/2021 15:31

Yeah that's really great news.

I think it's a hard balance if she give up her dependence too "soon" rather than this independent living she would likely deteriorate more quickly if that makes sense.

"Sheltered" accommodation sounds just right for now and when she needs more they will be more clued up on realising it.

2bazookas · 29/03/2021 16:18

That sounds like a really good solution for both of you. I hope it all works out.

Mil could benefit from having neighbours her own age

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 29/03/2021 16:25

Fantastic up date OP
Extra care is a really good thing for those who still want some independence and privacy.
If there's a vacancy and they assess her as suitable then it could happen really quickly ie in a matter of weeks

Homebird8 · 29/03/2021 19:28

It’s good news that things are being progressed and that you will finally have the space to grieve your DW as you want and need. Hang on in there OP.

I am wondering how MIL will cope in the sort of setting you describe though if she still doesn’t want to be alone overnight. Will having someone she can call be enough? I hope so if she wants to maintain a little independence or the next option would be a nursing home.

Original poster
joystir59 · 29/03/2021 20:35

@AcornAutumn
I have said mil needs to move asap, and within the next month.

OP posts:
Original poster
joystir59 · 29/03/2021 20:38

@Homebird8
I think and hope mil will cope knowing that the flat is part of a complex where there are people on site 24/7 that she can call if need be. I hope! She is still too capable and independent to cope with a nursing home, and the LA won't find that level of care when her own funds diminish.

OP posts:
AcornAutumn · 29/03/2021 22:55

[quote joystir59]@AcornAutumn
I have said mil needs to move asap, and within the next month.[/quote]
Oh that's good

Keeping everything crossed for you.

Homebird8 · 29/03/2021 23:45

[quote joystir59]@Homebird8
I think and hope mil will cope knowing that the flat is part of a complex where there are people on site 24/7 that she can call if need be. I hope! She is still too capable and independent to cope with a nursing home, and the LA won't find that level of care when her own funds diminish.[/quote]
It might be the start of something new for her. Perhaps she can manage more than she thinks and it’s her fear that is the problem. Having 24/7 help available might just be the thing she needs to not need it.

Homebird8 · 29/03/2021 23:47

And what about your needs joystir? Have you dared to really think what your life will be like when you can make your own decisions?

Happymum12345 · 29/03/2021 23:59

What a sad situation. To be old and unwanted. Her dd had died and nobody wants to care for her. I realise you mil is not your responsibility, sad, very sad.

Shallysally · 30/03/2021 09:23

Happymum12345 have you RTFT? OP clearly states that her MIL’s needs aren’t being met in current situation.

This move may be a good thing for both ladies, they can have a much more positive relationship going forward, should they want this.

The MIL is on board with the plan, it’s a positive that this is being addressed!

Shallysally · 30/03/2021 09:24

joystir59 so glad for this outcome. I hope that you both can be happier now.

Crappyfridays7 · 30/03/2021 10:13

So glad things are moving op. I think, from reading your posts you’re a very compassionate person and you’re trying to do right by your mil whilst also going through a terrible time yourself.

I think we forget sometimes that our parents abs parents in law are people with lives and just because they are older and less able that they shouldn’t have a meaningful life anymore. Often being cared for at home isn’t the best thing for the person, they become a burden and resented by family members & these are the people who love them. I think the best thing for someone is to be independent and supported or cared for fully in residential/nursing homes. I worked in a wonderful residential home when I was pre nursing waiting to go off to uni to finish my training. The residents were all really lovely and we facilitated them cooking, going to the shops etc as much as they wanted to do they could. All the staff I worked with were lovely too. It was a really nice place to live and work in. The food was amazing too. It’s since closed down - council run and I felt so sad for everyone having to move. But I know they enjoyed their time there and were looked after and I hope your mil blossoms on her own and makes friends. I really think you’re making the right and best decision for her and yourself. Keep pushing and I hope she gets her place soon and you can both move forward. This has also prompted me to ask my mum about her care later on, she’s 68 but I think people don’t talk about it. She does have poa in place my sister and I have a different responsibility each but I think it helps to know the wishes of loved ones if you’re able to discuss it,

Best wishes op, condolences about your wife, I can’t imagine the pain you’re going through. I hope you can move forward knowing you’ve done what is best for you both

Original poster
joystir59 · 30/03/2021 14:23

Further update, had long conversation with social worker coming this morning and we've agreed that a residential home will be the best solution not extra care living. This has been agreed now and passed to the brokerage team who will look at placements with vacancies locally edited by MNHQ at OP's request. He also said that initially LA can fund the placement and sort out her finances after she has moved. All going very very well so far. People saying this is a sad situation and that she isn't cared for etc can just fuck off. I care.

OP posts:
KihoBebiluPute · 30/03/2021 15:23

You have done brilliantly @joystir59 - well done. This kind of major upheaval would have been difficult enough to go through without also having to cope with bereavment at the same time. You have made sure your MIL can be safe and cared for, and have gone above and beyond what could reasonably be expected. Anyone who makes you feel bad for not sacrificing yourself to do even more can indeed fuck off, you are fine. It is sad, desperately sad, that your wife died and left you to cope with all of this. Well done for surviving through it.

AcornAutumn · 30/03/2021 19:00

Joystir "People saying this is a sad situation and that she isn't cared for etc can just fuck off. I care."

Many posters can see that you care. Flowers

christinarossetti19 · 30/03/2021 19:47

Well said jourstir59.

Indeed, the hand wringers can fuck off.

So sorry to hear about the loss of your wife.

tiredmum2468 · 30/03/2021 20:02

@joystir59
Firstly I'm so very sorry to hear about your wife
This must have been a very difficult situation but you've done the right thing. You've taken professional advice and acted in her best interests which is more than can be said for her own daughter.

It is very important you rebuild your life and at 63 that's a very young age to put your life on hold and nobody should be expected to do that.

I hope you can get things sorted out Biscuit

picklemewalnuts · 30/03/2021 20:10

I'm very pleased to see that things are moving along. I'm sorry for you, that you've had to take this on in addition to your own grief. Thanks you'll feel a bit weird when she goes, and may have all sorts of weird feelings. Best to be prepared- don't second guess your decisions, it's a good one,

olympicsrock · 30/03/2021 20:31

It is very evident that you care. You are doing the right thing in a very difficult situation . Sorry for your loss xx

Homebird8 · 30/03/2021 21:11

Further update, had long conversation with social worker coming this morning and we've agreed that a residential home will be the best solution not extra care living

Joystir, that’s a bit of a turn around from the previous arrangements. Is your MIL happier with this approach? Perhaps she will feel more secure and safe in this environment. The important thing is to find the right solution and get it in place quickly, for both of you. She must be glad she’s had you to help her through this process and now she can transition into her new life as you need to in yours. Hang on in there it will all be for the best in the end.

Original poster
joystir59 · 30/03/2021 23:10

@Homebird8
I reflected on the extra care scenario, and feel sure mil will be much happier within a residential home rather than a flat by herself.
Thank you for all of your kind and encouraging posts.
I'm aware I will feel.all kinds of feelings when mil moves out, and that the process will be exhausting- I'm already on an intense grief roller coaster and this situation with mil is part of that roller coaster. I'm just getting on with each day, and gave faith that the right place will come up for mil. I feel sure I'm doing the right thing, and that my wife is looking down and approving.

OP posts:
Giraffey1 · 31/03/2021 00:13

I’m glad you’ve come to an agreement on a solution that will work long term for everyone. Of course it’s going to be hard at first and there will be the need for a lot of adjustment, but both you and your MIL have the right to live fulfilling, full lives. Wishing you and MiL well, OP.

Homebird8 · 31/03/2021 02:55

I feel sure I'm doing the right thin, and that my wife is looking down and approving

I'm sure you are Joystir. Your DW loved both of you and you are continuing to do the best you can for both of you. The fantastic thing is that MIL agrees which you didn't think she would at the beginning of your thread.

BunnyRuddington · 31/03/2021 19:23

I feel sure I'm doing the right thing, and that my wife is looking down and approving. and everyone who has bothered to read the whole thread.

Changes in care for.those who are close to you can be difficult at the best of times, you've handled this so well and with so much care and consideration for your MIL, you are amazing.

Swipe left for the next trending thread