The Cockroach Cafe Mark 3

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Nope.

The problem is his needs are erratic and can't be times so getting more carers in as such isn't really a solution, unless you had someone 24/7, who for much of the time would be doing nothing.

I'm debating suggesting that instead of going round 5 days a week for half a day-ish at a time, I go round for a full day, but every other day, and that they tweak their carers so they can give dad breakfast and dinner and have a midday one for lunch as well.

I think mum really wants to be taken care of too, but she also wants to retain her independence and be take care of entirely on her own terms, which is understandable but remotely practical.

I suspect I'm in the doghouse as have not gone round today. Having the period from hell complete with badly upset stomach - not sure if the two are related.

Called to let mum know this morning and got a terse goodbye and haven't heard from her since.

*tweak the carers for more cover on the days I'm not there.

Does your mum have care needs minty ?
What if you were ill or had to isolate?
Also have you had the vaccine? Carers registered at the gp are eligible now.... including unpaid ones.

Mum doesn't have care needs as such, no.

I'm still suffering with what seems to be a tummy bug so probably won't be able to get round for another couple of days - she's already talking about getting more carers in privately 'so you don't need to bother with us and can go back to work early' (er, no I can't the sabbatical is an agreement until September, although I can do other work if needs be).

I phoned the GP a couple of weeks ago re the carer situation. They confirmed that I'm already in group 6 for other reasons so should have my jab between now and the end of April.

@MintyCedric

Mum doesn't have care needs as such, no.

I'm still suffering with what seems to be a tummy bug so probably won't be able to get round for another couple of days - she's already talking about getting more carers in privately 'so you don't need to bother with us and can go back to work early' (er, no I can't the sabbatical is an agreement until September, although I can do other work if needs be).

I phoned the GP a couple of weeks ago re the carer situation. They confirmed that I'm already in group 6 for other reasons so should have my jab between now and the end of April.

Hope you are feeling okay @MintyCedric, rest up and I hope you feel better soon. You need a breather so just ignore your DM's passive aggressive rants!

If you are group 6 then you can ring up your GP led vaccination centre (not the actual surgery) and they will most likely book you in. I did this on Monday and had mine yesterday. I can PM you the number if you like, they were very helpful when I called. I've got slightly achey arm but feel fine otherwise.

I'm still suffering with what seems to be a tummy bug so probably won't be able to get round for another couple of days You should be allowing 48hrs after symptoms clear to be sure of not passing the infection on to them. Your mother might seriously consider more carers instead of just saying it as a way of enunciating her displeasure.

I'm feeling exhausted with the constant demands - and I do a fraction of what some of you on here do. I'm on leave today as I have such a backlog of stuff that I need to sort, that it made sense to take a day off work to try and get through it, but am sat in my dressing gown with a coffee and a headache and no desire to even write a to do list.

Annual leave used to be spent on fun stuff.

no desire to even write a to do list. I maintain a permanent "to-do" list. Often it has items on it such as "write job list for today". And even "finish reading book" "play piano" - because the only way I make room for fun things is to put them on my jobs list.

It seems the body has a good ability to keep going when it has to - the downside is that when you do have a day off, it relaxes and send you all the stress related problems it's been holding in check for so long. Hence the headache on your day off.

Ds1 (y13) so stressed this week doing his a level coursework and of course this is the week his laptop decides to go ppfffttt.
I can't figure out how to do proportional circles on a map which is causing me a headache.
So I told mum I'm busy helping ds1 and tbf she was quite understanding. I still pop in but very short visits if I'm on my way somewhere else this week.
I feel pulled in so many directions I feel frayed at the edges :(

Take care minty and rest

I feel pulled in so many directions I feel frayed at the edges

I hear ya! DD mentioned in passing the other day that I'm 'only at home about 20% of the time'. She didn't mean it in an arsey way at all but it still made me feel a bit crap.

because the only way I make room for fun things is to put them on my jobs list.

Yep. I have my regular Sunday morning walk with my best mate, and an online writing workshop every Wednesday morning so I don't just flake out in front of Dr Pimple Popper with a bucket of wine/coffee at every available opportunity .

@OnthePiste that would be great thank you! I keep seeing acquaintances on FB saying they're getting theirs, and many of them I'm pretty sure ca't be higher than group 6 so would be good to chase it up and our surgery is pretty useless.

Just popping in for a bit of a hand hold. Dad is going into a care home tomorrow. He's finally being discharged from hospital six weeks after a broken hip, during which time he's had delirium, his Parkinsons has been out of control and he's contracted Covid. On the (very small) bright side, we've been able to get him into a home that is near our house and which I know has a good reputation.

I know this is the right next step. It might be only for a six week assessment period, although I'm not holding my breath. But I'm scared for him - I think he's going to be very confused and disorientated and I also think he probably feels very abandoned. Talking to him has been basically impossible - I've managed three phone conversations in six weeks and for two of those he was too incoherent to get any kind of communication established.

Meanwhile, I've had most of this week off work but feel like I've spent most of it worrying and/or talking to endless health professionals, saying the same things over and over again.

I'm so drained and I don't know how this is going to go.

dahl a hand hold from me. You must be worn out.
It's good that your dad is going somewhere near you. Hope you will be able to see him.
🌺🌺

Thanks

Just a thought- could you take some info to the home? Background on DF, family info, likes and dislikes, what he used to do and be interested in, foods and drinks etc and maybe copies of photos staff could talk to him about?

Virtual ((hugs)) @AChickenCalledDaal

TheSandwich makes a good suggestion...the care home my dad went into for respite last year actually asked us to do this.

That's a good thought - I will ask them about that. It would give me something constructive to do for him.

I've managed three phone conversations in six weeks and for two of those he was too incoherent to get any kind of communication established. I understand. My Dad can't hear anything I say on the phone, so I've not had a proper conversation with him since last march. But you may find he's less disorientated in the home - they are much better at dealing with it.

And today's announcement about visiting is positive. It may take individual homes a long time to get it sorted - facilities, extra staff - but there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Yes to the info - there's two sets needed 1) info on food likes and dislikes, habits eg what time he likes to go to bed wheat he enjoys doing - this will all go into his care plan 2) background info on who he is, what he's done in his life, his significant relatives and friends (past and present) - basically anything that will help staff to understand what he talks about. And photos, especially those that show him as an active, capable intelligent man. Not originals, do copies, and perhaps laminate them against spills.

You'll also be wanting to name absolutely everything that goes in, not just clothes but shaver and adapter, phone and charger, electric toothbrush, books etc.

Good point about naming everything.

My SIL used

stamptastic.co.uk/products/standard-name-stamp

...for a multi purpose name stamp when her dad had to go into residential care and really rated them.

My Dad can't hear anything I say on the phone, so I've not had a proper conversation with him since last march.

It's tough, isn't it. I feel bad every time someone asks if I've called him, because I feel I should try harder - and then when I do try, it is just upsetting and frustrating for both of us. I'm hoping in the home, they may be better at letting me know when he's relatively coherent and it's worth trying a call.

Have been labelling!

Hi @AChickenCalledDaal we are in the same boat! DM is in hospital and being transferred to a CH tomorrow for up to 6 weeks observation. She has delirium and has just recovered from Covid too.

I was allowed into the hospital to see her today and was shocked at how much she had deteriorated. I really hope the CH can get her back to more her normal self. I knew she would be confused but some of the tall stories she was telling me!! One minute saying the staff are lovely, the next calling them a bunch of morons (she has never in her life spoken like this. It's a worry and the Doctors really don't know if she will improve back to how she was before admission.

I didn't get any choice in the CH so just got to hope she settles. I will leave off visiting, if I am even allowed, to allow her to settle. I do hope your DF settles in well too.

Hi @OnThePiste we are in the same boat indeed! Hope all goes smoothly for your DM tomorrow.

Dad's discharge was delayed till tomorrow because the ward weren't happy with today's blood test. Getting any information about why they are unhappy has proved impossible. I am getting very fed up with the ward answer machine telling me they are too busy to talk. I know they are busy. But I also know that social services have been asking them to call me .

Hopefully all sysmtems go tomorrow. I did at least get a bit more time to pack Dad's things and write them some information about him.

So the inevitable has happened and FIL has now tested positive for Covid. He had the first dose of the vaccine 4 weeks ago, no serious symptoms so far but it was not exactly the news we were hoping for. That said I am not sure what news we were hoping for.

He does seem calmer and finally had the MRI scan on Wednesday but we are still waiting for the results. I know they are really busy but everything seems to move so slowly and it’s hard to know how much to know how much to push, if at all .

Thinking of you Peaseblossom. Hopefully he will have a mild dose and come through it OK.

I know exactly what you mean about not knowing how much to push. Dad's ward has a permanent answer machine message saying they are too busy to talk. But I'm not really feeling that is good enough when we were expecting him to be discharged yesterday, which has been mysteriously postponed with very little explanation. Every time I speak to social services, they say that they've asked the ward staff to ring me ... and every time it doesn't happen and I can't get through to them myself. Grrr. I know there's a concern about a blood test. But whether it's a little concern or a great big huge concern remains a mystery .

@OnThePiste did your DM get discharged today? Hope all's well at your end.

Thanks AChickenCalledDaal glad to hear we are not alone , at least the staff do answer when we ring. I really hope you get some answers about your fathers blood tests soon.