The Cockroach Cafe Mark 3

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@OnThePiste did your DM get discharged today? Hope all's well at your end

No! NO phone call, nothing. I am not surprised, I don't think much happens at the weekend. I spoke with DM this morning, sounded fine, chatting away normally. She called again after lunch to tell me a nurse was trying to murder her! Very frustrating and as you say @Peaseblossom22, everything moves so slowly.

Im finding everything moves slowly ... except when it suddenly moves very quickly. I dropped everything on Friday afternoon to get dad's stuff sorted and deliver it to the nursing home. And now it's all sitting in our hallway waiting for someone to get round to telling me what's going on. Because the nursing home not unreasonably want me to keep it until they actual know dad is on his way.

No doubt I'll get a call at some extremely inconvenient time tomorrow, when I'll be at work, and my boss will be wondering how many more times I can possibly need an hour off to get things sorted for dad.

No doubt I'll get a call at some extremely inconvenient time tomorrow, when I'll be at work, and my boss will be wondering how many more times I can possibly need an hour off to get things sorted for dad.

I really feel for you, it's so hard on the work front.

On of the main reasons I took this sabbatical is that my workplace (secondary school) is very inflexible and arguably high risk atm, and actually people just don't 'get it' unless they've been through it.

One of my line managers has a multitude of siblings in close proximity who all get on well, and a self-emploed husband for back up if things were to go wrong.

The other is too far from her parents to be directly involved and they are both divorced but now with considerably younger partners who would presumably shoulder the brunt of anything that might go awry.

Our senior manager is too young to even be thinking about the implications of elderly parents.

I was just so sick of the judgey looks every time I had to take a personal call and the shoulder shrugging and 'just get more carers in' response every time I tried to have a conversation about my circumstances. It was making me ill.

Speaks volumes that the college who left at the same time was showered with flowers/cards despite being bloody hard work, a dreadful sickness record and only having been there 5 minutes, whilst I didnt even get a phone call to see how I was doing until the end of January .

It is extremely hard having to work and juggle all of the stuff that comes with elder care - as well as the visits, comes the life admin, the shopping, trying to get agency A to liaise with agency B, etc. I work full time in a very male environment, with individuals whose wives/sisters seem to deal with the stuff, and they seem to think that I also should have someone to be doing this.

I'm self-employed so can be flexible with work but DM seems to forget that sometimes work does have to take priority over her!

Hospital called this morning, she is being transferred to the care home later this morning. I'm glad she's getting out of the hospital environment but worried that she won't settle in the care home. It's got to be a better setting then an acute ward though? She was so confused this morning, telling me she was at the airport back from holiday and needed picking up. Chance would be a fine thing!

OnThePiste will your mum notice that she's been moved? It might be smoother than you think. I had a relative that moved hospitals during a period of confusion and went across town and from the ground floor to the eleventh without noticing any difference out of the window.

My personal view based on not very much is that there wasn't a lot of care in hospital, they hadn't noticed that mum was refusing all her meals until I kicked up a fuss and had them weigh her. She was there as a knee and that was all they were looking at.

She was so confused this morning, telling me she was at the airport back from holiday and needed picking up. Chance would be a fine thing!

Oh bless her. My dad once called me from hospital at 6am (about 6 months prior to his big accident) and asked me to pick him up for jury service.

Yesterday he wanted me to put him on the ceiling and switch his incontinence pants on ...then I watched a few clips from Magic Mike on YT with my mum.

And no...it wasn't a weird dream...

@OnThePiste hope all goes well today and your mum settles in ok

I'm hoping in the home, they may be better at letting me know when he's relatively coherent and it's worth trying a call. You may not get that but you should at least be able to ring and say "Is now a good time?"

My dad has forgotten how to answer calls (open lid of clamshell phone, put to ear and say "hello") but the home are very good at going along to his room and dialling the number of whoever wants to call him and staying until a connection is established. (Then Dad rings ms 10 mins later to say "Tell X not to ring me. It's costing him £1 a Minute and It's Not Worth It" )

MInty - your comment about dreams - my Dad's conversation is like that - the words make sense, the grammar makes sense even a whole sentence makes sense, but three sentence further on and you a world away from the original. Just like, in a dream, each scene seems sensible but two scenes on, there's no way you could have got there from the original scene.

For those with hospital to care home transitions - there's a lot more expertise in care homes as to how to interact with people with dementia. Mainly by playing along and not trying to contradict and impose reality - leads to a much more settled and happy resident.

Our nursing home is also very good about food - regular meals and snacks, and if a resident refuses a meal they will try and get an alternative - usually soup, sandwiches or fried egg and chips. Just the regular food and the rest does wonders physically.

Peaseblossom My dad tested positive for Covid for two successive weeks in May. No symptoms apart from increased tiredness and being off his food (lack of smell?) - according to the Manager, care homes have been reporting a lot of these almost symptomless cases. So, fingers crossed!

Good to hear your DM is on the move OnThePiste.

STILL no update from the hospital here. I have a team meeting in 20 minutes so can pretty much guarantee that is when they will phone. If the Dr asks how I am, I may well tell her precisely how stressed this whole thing is making me.

Wouldn't it be nice to be at the airport, like @OnThe Piste's mum?! Dad told his nurses I was in California a couple of weeks back. There was still snow on the ground here and I could only say "I wish!"

Well she's moved in-and is already trying to escape!! Numerous calls to tell me she's been kidnapped, hates it, no one to talk to, horrible place, no carers, they are all locked in on their own..none of which is true! She pocked dialed me a couple of times, she was chatting to another lady (about who has the key and how they could get out!!) so I am hoping she will settle down in a few days.

I called the home and had a lengthy call with the ops director. He sounds absolutely lovely and put my mind at rest about her being in an EMI home. He said they have a lovely bunch of residents at the moment and he's sure mum will calm down. He said I am welcome to visit (so happy about this) and mum is free to wander round the big house ( she loves a wander).

@AChickenCalledDaal I hope you get some news, it took a week from when I was originally told she would be moving so hang on in there!

Sounds like they know what they're doing OnThePiste. And it's good that you can visit.

Have finally had an update from yet another new doctor who has never met dad before today. But it's something and her update was reasonably reassuring. He might be ready for discharge tomorrow, but I'm trying not to hold my breath.

onthepiste that sounds quite positive about your mum! It’s early days.
daal hope things happen soon.

You lot are angels

I've hit the point where mum says "I know it will be better for you when I'm gone" and I just look at the floor.

Saints, help me not to actually say "yes". Perilously close.

I have to tell her off at least once a week because she wants to discuss the most depressing things. Today was my best friend's dad's cancer, her brother's constant ill health, and a couple of trivial paperwork things that she can't get enough of.

Didn't Thigh used to say "oh well, one of us will die eventually"?

I know some posters will say "it's because xyz". I don't care about the xyz!

There's a poem on the underground at the moment with the line

"If you remain generous, time will come good". It has become my mantra.

Hello autumn no angel here and I get you completely about moaning elderlies.
It gets harder and harder when dm tells me to my face "I haven't seen my family for a year "when I'm there 3 times a week......
And the isn't it awful about zydeco........
I try and apply the Teflon to my shoulder before each visit and remind myself about something needmoresleep* said it's about who we are not who they are.
It's still so bloody hard. 🌺🌺🍷🍷

AcornAutumn I certainly don't claim to be a saint and it's hard to know what to say when you are feeling utterly worn down and a parent says those things. I'm aware that my body language sometimes lets me down. Changing the subject is my best strategy.

Thanks sandwich and chicken

That sounds funny

I just googled Zydeco and got music from the Deep South?!

Re changing the subject...no. i realised this weekend that it might not be bad for her to realise that. As long as she thinks her daughters need her, we are all in a strange universe. Dad was very conscious he didn't want to be a burden and I think when he fell ill, that helped him let go.

Don't worry if I don't reply for a bit, I am having a bad reaction to the vaccine so off to find a cold head pad thingy and lie down!

PS Sandwich, in your case, I'd say "er, hello? What am I, chopped liver?"

This food theme is getting mad....chicken liver sandwich with daal anyone? 😂

OnthePiste I hope things settle down, it should be more like a holiday camp than the acute ward was. Tomorrow it may be lovely and always have been lovely - my mum can U turn at speed with no looking back. She doesn't remember having previously had an opposing view and on some subjects she can change with the wind.

Today I was treated to "I don't speak a word to anyone, not all day" Even if we ignore that she was on the phone to me at the time, speaking with words, there's also the fact I'm there for three hours every day. It's not that we don't talk just that she doesn't see me as "anyone". I still feel that she favours my sister, even though I don't actually have one.

"If you remain generous, time will come good" is more positive than my usual "that which does not kill you makes you stronger".

Touch wood, we seem to be going through a reasonably good patch at the moment for a definition of "good" which would have horrified me two years ago.

acorn hope you are feeling better. The letters were a random mix of all the moans- bins/ hair of carer/ boris/ brexit... etc
Knot huge sympathy for being another non person in the elderlies eyes...... THREE hours a day???? How on earth do you manage that and keep sane? 😇indeed!
Three visits a week is plenty for me....

NHS vaccine bookings now open for those in receipt of Carer's Allowance

www.nhs.uk/conditions/coronavirus-covid-19/coronavirus-vaccination/book-coronavirus-vaccination/

Gosh I am in awe of some of you , @OnthePiste that sounds promising for your mum . So FIL is being transferred to the MH unit for further assessment. He has been detained under the MH Act which surprised us and we are not entirely sure what the implications are but also quite glad they are not discharging him. I just get over how rapidly we have got here . My father also has memory issues but they have been slowly developing for about a decade so this is completely different .

@Peaseblossom22

Gosh I am in awe of some of you , *@OnthePiste* that sounds promising for your mum . So FIL is being transferred to the MH unit for further assessment. He has been detained under the MH Act which surprised us and we are not entirely sure what the implications are but also quite glad they are not discharging him. I just get over how rapidly we have got here . My father also has memory issues but they have been slowly developing for about a decade so this is completely different .

@Peaseblossom22 please do not worry about him being sectioned, this happened to my DM last year and I can tell you it is a blessing. He will be assessed in a secure environment where the doctors will be able to get to the bottom of what the issues are and if necessary, prescribe medication.

I felt like it was the end of the world when she was detained but it turned out to be the best thing as had she been sent home, we would have been back to square one.

Also he will not have free access to phones in an acute MH unit so that should please your family!

@OnthePiste

Also he will not have free access to phones in an acute MH unit so that should please your family!

Yes that will be a blessing , the calls had stopped for a few days but we had a text from someone this evening to say he had called again ( sigh) It’s hard he is very aggressive on the phone and some of the people he phones are very old and frail and it scares them so I am not unsympathetic.

We are just so unsure of what to expect and it’s very difficult having no contact at all. We have simply no idea how he is , I feel very worried that he feels we have abandoned him, dh seems to take the view that any contact will cause him to become agitated and therefore is not a good idea but that seems cruel to me . Surely it’s really important that he knows his family love him and care for him. My dc are the light of his life and they idolise him, he has been a huge part of their lives growing up .