The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

[MereDintofPandiculation]

A space for us all to get together for relief from caring, share news, frustrations, problems, or just have a rant. Everyone and everything welcome (though if you have a big problem needing advice, you may want to start a new thread so as to be heard above the noise of the clanking gin bottles and general chatter)

Nora - drink the gin!! I'm sorry to hear about your mum's situation.

Things got worse with my mum again. I started a thread in AIBU as i didn't want to monopolise this thread. I feel like I'm sinking - my own MH issues are meaning that I'm letting my mother down because i can't handle her shinanegans.

There is reason for me to question my mums memory for the first time this weekend but in all honesty I don't kniw if im coming or going so maybe I'm mistaken about the tablets.

You guys seem to cope so well yet everything is drama for me

LEM tbh you are probs better off here than in AIBU, where you will get all sorts. So sorry your mum is being so difficult and that you are having to cope with it all yet again. At least us lot on here understand the problems! cockroach one and all

Lem I've not been on here much so not seen your post in AIBU. What's happening for you? I can assure you my mental health is tacking a severe battering and I'm doing all sorts of things to shore myself up; some good (swimming, meditation and eating; some double plus ungood, drinking daily including gin the last two nights, not eating, otc drugs sometimes. Anything that gets me through the day/situation. I was prescribed counselling on nhs but the waiting list is so long my mother will be dead too by the time I get an appointment.

You're not alone, it's bloody hard going and some days I feel like phoning social services and saying "you take it on, I'm done" but so far, so not done that. Today's death just opened A whole new chapter that I thought might make things less complicated but so far it's taken up all of me. And I'm back down the snakes tail at square one again.

I've found so much support here and I know I'm a dipper in and outer but I'll listen....

LEM please feel free to say what you need to here- or on a new thread on this elderlies board if you’d rather. We have all been through, or are going through All sorts of £&*# and understand... and please dont think we are all coping better than you because it’s not true.
Your situation sounds appalling. Dealing with a relatively with it but virtually immobile elderly is so much less complex or challenging.
Please protect yourself. You can only do what you can do. 🌺
IABU is a far less forgiving place.

LEM I saw your post in AIBU, you are better off sticking to this board. I'm sure we all understand that people will post a lot when there is a crisis so don't feel bad.

Speaking as a hard faced bitch Lem, please don't worry about monopolising this thread, that's what we are here for. I have droned on at length and have always had support, as well as useful practical advice at times. It really has helped me enormously to be able to vent with people who get how hard it all is. If we can't help or offer advice, we can be the people who hold your hand when you need it.

(I'm still massively impressed by one poster's stealth boast about shagging til 4am as a way of coping with stress though - no names, obvs )

Hello - I just responded to LEM in AIBU but actually I could really do with a space (and a glass) myself.

Welcome carrot we all know the feeling. and FTR nota is NOT a hardfaced bitch however much she'd like to pretend!!

I think I would have gone mad without this thread, and the support on here. I'm one of the 'lucky' ones, my DM gone now, but I hang out anyway...

carrot welcome- red, white or gin?
At any one time one or more of us is going through the wringer, and just knowing someone hears is so helpful.
And when waters are calmer, we can offer more support.

Carrot welcome.

I heard a small child in Aldi ask her dad “why is the carrot dressed up?”

It precipitated a nice chat with my mum about how these things are really for adults!

LEM really don’t worry about monopolising the board, I think posting stuff out of context can be a bd idea, if you saw that thread about the parents with dementia staying for Xmas, that’s a good example!

nora that’s the worst isn’t it....when you think things might improve and they don’t.

all.

Hi carrot - how are you?

I tried to get an appointment with my gp today, couldn't get one.

Tried to ring the cate manager - she was "on another call" so already we are "that family" she didn't call back.

Social services did call though so that's something- I missed the call

Do collected mum's shop, returned the card. I won't have it again. I have the details to do online shop.

Will try and catch up with folks stories.

Notaflyingmonkey - I actually appreciate the hardfaced bitchery if im honest.

I'd tell anyone else to walk away and be incredulous if they didn't but she is my mum. However the resentment is running deep

I’m doing Xmas sadness here
DC helped me decorate tonight or probably wouldn’t have bothered
DD bought me a special bauble to commemorate Dad and the Xmas decoration I bought him for his room in nursing home is now next to his photo on a side table
Just going through the motions though
I’m getting so many letters re pensions, benefits, pension credit etc, overpayments, underpayments, monies owed etc I feel like I’m drowning
DM with dementia has no idea where her birth or marriage certificates are and I need them to get his pensions reallocated to her
As I have POA can I get copies on her behalf? What is the process?

Jace

The paperwork at such a time....

I think you can try here

www.gro.gov.uk/gro/content/

Or the relevant local authorities.

Jace i am sorty about your Dad. Christmas always brings everything home with a bump.

@JaceLancs You can get replacement birth and marriage certificates from the GRO or from the registry office they were registered at.

The paperwork is inhumane.

I forgot to introduce myself. I'm LPA (both types) for my parents with one of my brothers. My Dad is in a care home with moderate dementia and the usual health issues of the 90 yo. He's always been depressive, anxious, self obsessed and the dementia is magnifying it. He moved into a care home 18 months ago because he could no longer cope with living independently (or with my mum) and had a series of bad UTIs

My Mum had a stroke when I was 10 (30 years ago!) and is chairbound. She won't use an electric chair and resists anything that might make her life easier as she won't accept her disability. She's now in her mid 80s. She lives at home with nightsitters, 4 dual carer visits a day, hoisted transfers, a housekeeper etc.

My Dad is an obsessive phone call maker and is miserable in his care home but is reluctant to move because he wants somewhere Catholic

My Mum is emotionally manipulative and has never managed her own life so now Dad is in a home she assumes that I will do everything and make everything happen whilst she does stupid things like not bothering to check who she buzzes in (one of those ex-con duster sales people last week!)

I'm also trying to sort out their finances to make sure that their vastly expensive care (about £100k currently) is affordable and that IHT risks are managed

In the midst of this one of my brother's committed suicide not long after Dad went into the care home and didn't leave a will so it's on my parents to sort out all his estate (so me)

And I work full time and have two small kids and a husband who works away a lot.

And breathe

Carrot

I don't know you but I'd like to offer a hug and a stiff drink!

carrot and . Breathing is good, as is trying to carve out some time for yourself in whatever way - hot bath, big drink, go to the park with the littlies (although given the weather here that would be my last option!!)

Carrot, you have my sympathy, I thought I was having a hard time dealing with my stuff, but you have even more to shoulder and you're doing brilliantly. I went see my dr recently who told me to visit my mother less (because she won't remember), say "no" more and do not allow guilt to make me do stuff that I cannot manage.

I wish there was more I could offer apart from recommending wine in the evening (even a glassful means you cannot drive anywhere to "rescue"), I've told my employer and they've been brilliant despite being a charity with no money.

All we can do is keep on keeping on, but make sure there is something good that's just for you at least weekly, preferably daily. Mine is swimming- half an hour three times a week- it lifts my mood and gives me a clarity which I cannot do without.

carrot just echo everyone else. Carve something out that fuels you. Essential self maintenance.

Wow Carrot that is so much to cope with I totally understand the self martyring manipulation, my mum. Does this alot.

You must take some time for yourself, helps xx

I second Flamingnoras suggestion of wine in the evening. We did go through a stage of having a glass as soon as we'd finished our own tasks for the day just so we could legitimately say "sorry, can't come". Not good for the liver or the bank balance though.

Jace You can get birth and marriage certificates whoever you are. They're public documents. There's a fee, but it may well be worth it to save the time of searching.
www.gov.uk/order-copy-birth-death-marriage-certificate

carrot It's tough. I know this is yet one more job for you, but could you fit one of those door entry phones that links to your mobile, so you are in charge of letting people in, not her? And if you haven't already, you could get a key safe for carers and any bona fide regular visitors - don't tell your mum the code else she'll be giving it out to everyone!