The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

[MereDintofPandiculation]

A space for us all to get together for relief from caring, share news, frustrations, problems, or just have a rant. Everyone and everything welcome (though if you have a big problem needing advice, you may want to start a new thread so as to be heard above the noise of the clanking gin bottles and general chatter)

Me again .

Not uk, but can you inform gp and social services that you are stepping away from responsibility and that they have a vulnerable elderly at hand?

Don't give up with ss, they will try to guilt you into being there.

Omg flying monkey - that made me laugh.

Today i have called her gp, who to be fair was helpful. Poe faced receptionist not so much when i tried to talk to a dr later as mother has hidden her tablets and I don't know what she has taken. 111 couldn't help after the care agency called I had to go there because the carer couldn't cope. Carer just walked out as i walked in.

I have literally BEGGED to speak to an OOH social worker, the "customer service" on the emergency social services number wouldn't put me through. I've had to walk away. I can't cope - I've had to leave her on her own. But I wasn't helping.

I'm sorry this isn't the place for this

This is totally the place for this LEM. Some posters may be able to offer advice, others a handhold.

I'm not being obtuse, but what is it that you think SS or anyone can actually do to help?

I’m so sorry I can’t offer any wisdom, but do not beat yourself up. You cannot do more.

Social worker just called, they are going to send someone from adult social services to assess her tomorrow

Thankyou everyone for the support. I know you guys are goung through the mill also.

LEM glad you have someone coming in

However, if I’m correct in thinking she has capacity, then whether or not she takes her meds is up to her.

Do you have a fear that if something happens to her, the authorities might see it as your fault? If so, I share that fear.

nota “And yes, I am a hard faced bitch”

All together now... OH NO SHE ISN’T!!

Autumn yes very much do have that fear. I handled today really badly

LEM not been on this thread recently, but I’m really glad adult social services are getting involved.

My circumstances are different, but I think SS have quite a hard time of it so will put things onto family if they can. I had to “catch” a particularly bad weekend, but made it clear that was not an ongoing option

I have been on calls when I’ve had to say “Can we be absolutely clear that I am NOT coming down to sort this out?” I’m 5 hours away from DM, which has advantages and disadvantages!

So yes, there are plenty of people who probably would put me in the “cold hearted bitch “ category. So be it. If your parents gave dementia/ MH issues it’s very complicated.

But generally (dementia etc excepted) my attitude is: we’re all adults here. Adults make decisions, and decisions have consequences.

Even my DM, who has dementia, made decisions when she had capacity that we now have to live with.

So that was a long post to say to LEM that I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and we’re not bad people if we have to draw a line

LEM

you didn’t handle anything badly. What could you have done?

LEM you really have to give yourself a break here before you collapse, you sound like you are burnt out. TBH, having been in that situation myself, I know that I am not helping when I am so wrung out that I am crying/shouting/panicking. Draw a breath or two and work out your next few days so that you have some enforced me time - a long walk, hot chocolate, feeding ducks, whatever it takes to bring you back on something approaching an even keel.

But I wasn't helping. Keep hold of this thought. Just because you are her relative doesn't mean you are the right person to help her. And if you stick in there and try to help, you block anyone else from helping her (because SS are so short stretched that they'll take advantage of any help offered by relatives). So just keep saying to yourself "I wasn't helping her" and don't feel guilty.

Well done for getting a SS assessment - that's a really valuable thing to have done for her.

Now you have the problem that she'll probably tell them she's absolutely fine. If you want to put the other side of the story, you could either write to them explaining the situation, or you could be there at the assessment. You don't have to contradict outright, just ask questions that show she's not telling the full story.

Autumn yes very much do have that fear. Yes, so do I. But I've been told on here that you will only be held responsible if you have actively tried to prevent her getting the help she needs ... and you are as far away from that as you could be!

I handled today really badly No you didn't! You got a result!

LEM you simply CANNOT do everything, and by getting SS involved you have taken the essential next step. If she wont engage then I'm afraid you will have to take a step back, just to save yourself.

In other news, DB and I spent an hour at the hospital today, 1 clinical governance manager, 1 nurse who has been brought in to 'sort' out the worst ward she was on, 2 senior geriatric doctors, and 1 other woman who said nothing and I couldnt work out why she was there. The surgery teams declined the invitation to attend - no one knows why, but when asked how we felt about that I said 'not impressed'.

I think they were expecting "why did you let my mum die? we are so grateful for everything you did" Instead they got a drastic, severe clinically analysis of the lack of care over 5 months (DB worked for NHS for almost 40 years), some very tricky questions about lines of responsibility, lack of pain control, lack of dignity and basic kindness for DM, very poor communication, the shambles was that the discharge process, and the lack of support offered to the family.

They had the grace at times to look ashamed, and uncomfortable, and we are promised a follow up letter with indication of areas they will 'work on'. I wait with bated breath... but am not sure it will change anything. Still, she would have been proud of us for standing up for her, and I made some points about the vulnerability of the elderly and the fact that doctors/nurses/HCPs hold the power in that situation and that many other families would not have been able to make as much fuss as we did at the time (out of fear) or to have to tenacity to follow it up like we have.

We went to the pub after, and I am now working my way through lots of

cockroach and may you all have peaceful weekends.

LEM thinking of you
yolo well done for fighting for your mum. It must have taken so much from you and your dB but I really hope they heard and will act.
I hope you can have some peace too. Was it dh’s Appt today too?
cockroach all.

yolo you did well

Yolo that sounds hard - your mum would have been proud I'm sure. Don't know the back story but it does feel like the elderly are swept under the carpet.

Mother much calmer today - I went round earlier and took her a sandwich from the shop. She moaned a little about the curtains but acknowledged the birthday cards and flowers. I

thesandwich yes, all fine, bloods good etc, and basically as long as he not hospitalised while on chemo (?!!) they are happy.

good news about today being easier LEM long may it continue.

absolutely drained by today, but mum would think we had done her proud. I just dont want other old people without someone to fight their corner being subjected to the same lack of holistic care, some absolute callousness, and just the mess we went through - at the centre of which was our mother who didnt deserve what she got.

yolo that sounds really positive for your dh. I’m so glad.
And well done for fighting for your dm.
It’s people like you fighting who make change..... “Francis report” started v near here..... Thank you.

(ignorant) what is the Francis Report ?

Francis report into appalling standards of care at Stafford hospital a few years

Well it's started, mum's husband died last night. She understands (at least she did when I left her after telling her 20+ times that he's died.)

I looked at her phone and she had called his nursing home 154 times in a couple of weeks. I've deleted it from her phone now.

Staff at her resi home all know so I've had to leave her to them. I couldn't stay any longer with her for fear of getting irritated by the relentless "I've been so unlucky to lose two husbands" (one 40 year marriage and the second 20 years) and asking what she's done to deserve this. Then telling me I can have all her money (I obviously cannot) and obsessing over a list of hymns for the funeral which she's already passed on to the Grimms. It's going to be a tough few weeks getting through this and the funeral. Then dealing with the fallout over the jointly owned properties. Maybe though it signals the end of my annus horriblis and will allow mum to just get on with day to day living without constant worry about her husband.

I'm rallying my support network around me and fighting off the urge to drink gin right now.

much love nora and sending you very strong shark barriers through the ether.

Sending you virtual hugs and virtual gin Nora.

I've had a swim and eaten (which is better than many days when food is of no interest) now I'm having that gin. An early night will follow no doubt. Bring it on Grimms, I'm ready for you!

nora so glad you are looking after yourself. Sending tigers and Teflon.