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Elderly parents
Original poster

The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

964 replies

MereDintofPandiculation · 22/08/2019 22:25

A space for us all to get together for relief from caring, share news, frustrations, problems, or just have a rant. Everyone and everything welcome (though if you have a big problem needing advice, you may want to start a new thread so as to be heard above the noise of the clanking gin bottles and general chatter)

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MereDintofPandiculation · 04/12/2019 09:47

I feel bad though because i don't do that much compared to you guys and I resent it too I think you're doing a lot more! I would be leaving her to it. OK, maybe she can't help it, maybe it's the illness - but even if that's the case, she clearly doesn't want you around except as a punchbag, and you don't have to endure that.

OP posts:
maddywest · 04/12/2019 16:51

Aaaaargh the daily phone call "I feel awful, I can't cope, I'm not well, they don't do anything". I'm sorry you don't feel well, but you're 87 and haven't been particularly well for years - when I see you you perk up and are alright, you only seem to moan to me rather than anyone else. You are being looked after, but no I'm sorry you don't have one to one attention all the time now dad isn't here any more. And you weren't ever happy then anyway. I feel mean and guilty and you now seem to be phoning me every day that I don't physically see you (which would be great if we had a nice chat, but it's always a complaining session). I don't want to feel responsible for your happiness, but that's how I feel, and it's making me feel awful because I can't make you happy.

Sorry, just had the phone call and needed to vent. I know others are having far worse acute problems. It's the grind that's getting me down at the moment. Am I even going to post this? yes I am.

thesandwich · 04/12/2019 17:29

maddy I hear you! You are not alone! It is relentless, and I end up feeling I am being sucked into a vortex of doom.
And post away. We get it.
The wisdom of this thread is do whatever it takes to protect and insulate yourself...... we cannot make them happy, only try and protect our own capacity for life. Booze, dogs, chocolate, gardening, good friends..... whatever works for you.
🌺🌺🍷🍷🍫🍫

TheoriginalLEM · 04/12/2019 19:06

maddy it is relentless isn't it. I try so hard to be patient, mostly I fail - I guess your world shrinks as you get older and you can't see outside your bubble and appreciate that other people have lives to lead.

I have had another day of it today - carers now not wanting to attend as my mother is being verbally abusive and accusing them of breaking stuff in her house. Hmm why can't she see that she is making life harder for herself- and me

yolofish · 04/12/2019 19:37

it is totally relentless, and awful to go through. I just read the 11 pages of notes I made while mum took 5 months to die - I wish I hadnt, but needed to because of meeting on Friday. The worst thing is how it all spoils your memories - if you were lucky enough to have previously had a good relationship, which for the most part I did with my mum.

Here's a ridiculous dog to help cheer you all up. cockroach and courage mes amis.

The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)
TheoriginalLEM · 04/12/2019 19:48

He looks sad because he's concentrating intently on a bit of pasta I dropped!

The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)
notaflyingmonkey · 04/12/2019 20:15

DB messaged me after his last visit to DM to say that she was complaining of being lonely. I said that was down to her as she refused to go to any day centres, or clubs, buddy schemes, etc, which I had lined up for her therefore I had no sympathy. He suggested she move nearer him (he is her favourite), but she proudly said that she couldn't be a burden on him, that she would prefer to be a burden on me.

She is 91, and her mother lasted til 99, so she could have another 10 years left in her. I don't think I do though.

TheoriginalLEM · 04/12/2019 21:15

Tell him to move closer!!!

So we went round to mother just now and the carer was there. Earlier today she took a hammer to the key safe and threatened the carer with it!Hmm Grin I'm almost impressed Blush

yolofish · 04/12/2019 22:08

lovely lovely dog LEM! fox red lab? our old boy before current black girl was one of those, absolute sweetie.

nota I would suggest she up stix asap?? then golden boy can deal with it all...

AutumnRose1 · 04/12/2019 22:09

Just running in with gin and hugs

Seems to be some issues with DMs so if anyone has sent any, I’m not ignoring you. Bear with!

TheoriginalLEM · 04/12/2019 22:21

Yolofish a close up of a little jrt Grin

Gin mist welcome!

yolofish · 04/12/2019 22:25

oops LEM need to put my varifocals on!! cuter than cute tho.

AutumnRose1 · 04/12/2019 22:44

PS issues with DMs meaning direct messages

Not suggesting you sent me your Dear Mothers, one is enough 😂

maddywest · 05/12/2019 09:09

Thanks everyone! Blimey LEM that is a whole different level. Nota, the thought of another 10 years is chilling.

I have a little file of quotes from this thread and its previous instances. Today's most helpful is:
"It doesn't sound as if she was happy when she was more mobile, though. You are expecting yourself to be able to change her entire personality in her dotage." Which is obviously impossible when you write it down like that. Thank you whoever said that, I'm sorry I didn't make a note of who said what so I could send Flowers.

maddywest · 05/12/2019 09:16

ooh, found it. KismetJayn if you're still around, Flowers

TheoriginalLEM · 05/12/2019 18:29

I am literally at the end of my rope - I can't cope anymore a and I don't know what to do.

AutumnRose1 · 05/12/2019 18:46

LEM I think we talked on another thread and I was wondering if you’d consider going no contact?

I’m not dealing with half of what people are dealing with here

But I find myself thinking.....it’s such a strain pretending to care. I sort of do care, but I also don’t IYSWIM. And I have to pretend sometimes because otherwise mum will wail that no one cares about her.

TheoriginalLEM · 05/12/2019 18:51

I really wish i didn't care. Today she has hidden her medication and i don't know if she has taken them or not. It's been a shit day, my day off and it always kicks off - I was trying to write my assignment for work/college but I have been too stressed.

It's her birthday tomorrow and I have just left cards and flowers but it all turned into an argument and I don't even know if she has seen them.

I feel like a dreadful person

AutumnRose1 · 05/12/2019 19:13

Oh LEM

Big hugs for you. You sound like an amazing person.

I feel I should correct myself...I do care about my mum but after dad died I find myself having to pretend to care more than I do, if that makes sense. Like I really don’t care that x big brand took over y big brand and now the biscuits don’t taste the same and “can you just check in your shops” - what, in case there’s some original taste ones left from 1992?

theoriginalmadambee · 05/12/2019 19:39

Sorry to butt in again, but wanted to say I'm in awe of you. Especially those of you who don't have a good relationship to start with.

I don't know how you do it, and frankly don't think I would.

I had a very good relationship with my parents and despite of this the last years of their lives were extremely hard to get through... for me Blush.

As yolofish, i still struggle finding the good memories and how they were as 'real' people. It has been more than two years and the hardship of the last years still lingers.

If I hadn't had a good relationship to start with, i would have given up. The mental cost is simply too big imo.

@TheoriginalLEM what makes you keep going, If you don't mind me asking? I feel so sorry for you and I know from experience that the cost to your mh is not worth it, not if all you get is abuse.

Again sorry if this is out of place, will go back to lurking.

countrygirl99 · 05/12/2019 20:18

Crikey LEM she makes FIL sound lovely!

notaflyingmonkey · 05/12/2019 20:44

LEM - walk away. For a day, a weekend or a week, whatever you can manage in order to get some space. Then sit her down and tell her you aren't going to put up with her shit anymore. I really would be considering going low contact if I were you.

I am one of those who never had a good relationship with their parents. Mine were both racists who disapproved of my marriage to a forriner/Muslim, and so we went NC for years. They got back in touch when DF was dying, and so we built a somewhat fragile truce. But DM knows I have no compunction about walking away, and that pisses her off because I don't play along with her, and her views, in the way that DB does. This in turn makes her feel I think I am better than her (I do, because I am, obvs!)

I do what I do for her out of a sense of obligation only. My visits are timed to the minute. And yes, I am a hard faced bitch.

TheoriginalLEM · 05/12/2019 20:52

How can i get help I called social services ooh they won't help I called 111 they won't help

thesandwich · 05/12/2019 21:00

LEM you are not an awful person. You are amazing considering what you are dealing with.
Please look at how you can protect yourself. Take the great advice here.
And cockroach all......

notaflyingmonkey · 05/12/2019 21:11

LEM what are you wanting help with? If it's your DM, can you call her GP? Age Concern? Dignitas?

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