The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

[MereDintofPandiculation]

A space for us all to get together for relief from caring, share news, frustrations, problems, or just have a rant. Everyone and everything welcome (though if you have a big problem needing advice, you may want to start a new thread so as to be heard above the noise of the clanking gin bottles and general chatter)

Interesting....... spend a good 4 hours there both today and yesterday, plus shopping etc.
Escape day with a friend tomorrow, then back to several hours per day.
Dm currently has v limited mobility, so hoping things will improve. She did appreciate my efforts.
I must focus on managing through this crisis and getting more in place for steady state( I hope)
cockroach all- is it your meeting and appt this week yolo?

well remembered sandwich. Our hospital was in the Sunday Times yesterday (young woman died because they didnt attempt resus, family deny order being in place) so I think they will be twitchy.

yolo How successful were you keeping it at an hour max? I could never get away in under 2 hours, still haven't managed to make it less than 1.5 hours with him in the home. He's TT, so no chance of wine!

dint not always very successful, and after an hour's moaning she would always think of 'oh just another thing' so it could take a while to get out of the door! I feel bad saying that and thinking of her like that because before she got so old and frail she was really sparky, funny etc. Still not really getting back to the pleasant memories from before.

I'm over 18 months on and I still can't really remember much of my mum from before

yes lello I think it is going to take a while, I'm sorry you're feeling the same. before is like another world.

Good luck for your meetings and appointment yolo
Well..... just going out the door for day out when carer rant- dm delirious. Paramedics called. Day out cancelled. Worked out side effect of new meds- so all calmed down.
dint what was the final trigger for your df going into a home? I am wondering..... but do not know if I am strong enough for that battle....

oh sandwich sorry your day out went tits up, esp when you'd been looking forward to it so much etc.

In one way we were lucky: mum went into hospital on June 5 and then never really had much of an option to live at home again, apart from a few (completely disastrous) days at a time. She would have refused forever.

Thank you yolo I have wine and avhotel chocolate advent calendar😆😆

Back again!
Arrived at work late this morning (not sleeping well and have a lot of time owed to me) to find message on office line from DPs mother that his father died on Saturday
I can only imagine that she rang me at work knowing I wouldn’t be there so that she didn’t have to speak to me
Rang DP to let him know - could tell he needed tlc so suggested he came over and I took a very long lunch
I let him talk but it’s hard and making me feel even rawer
Now playing catch up at work
Back to being liaison person (left voicemail for DP DM)
Eventually went home and started drinking
Can’t get my head back in diet mode
DD was supposed to be coming over tonight but bailed on me
I just feel lost, alone and want to cancel not just Xmas but life for now
If I could find a suitable place to run to where no one would find me I’d be very tempted
Meanwhile in non dream world - I’m on a work training course tomorrow, am seeing DM day after and need to sort out her finances

and after an hour's moaning she would always think of 'oh just another thing' Yes, Dad does that too. I'm stood there in my coat, perspiring in the nursing home heat. and I can't stand comfortably for more than a few minutes, so I end up having to sit down and take my coat off again ... I've learnt to say "I need to be going" 30mins before the time I intend to go.

Jace

sandwich final trigger for home ... DF had an unexplained crash - went over the course of a couple of days from being able to take himself out by bus for appointments and shopping, to being unable to bear his own weight, enormously swollen legs, delusions. Hospital got most of his physical health back, and some of his mental health (no delusions, but more confused than previously) and he returned home with a stairlift and a care package + meals on wheels. But wasn't coping, falls every few weeks (and bashing his head on the way down), eating biscuits instead of making sandwiches, not going to bed but dozing in chair downstairs. This was a decline over 3 months.

Then after another fall, district nurse declared he wasn't safe on his own (and I declined the opportunity to sleep on the living room floor to be with him) so she asked him whether he thought it might be time to move to a home and he confounded us all by saying "I think it's well overdue". So - emergency admission 4 hours later to the only place with a vacancy.

Positives: he is healthier - he'd lost 2 stone over the last 3 months, he has put that back on again. Legs no longer swollen. Long standing bedsores cleared up (they turn him in the night, and badger him to stand up and move around in the day). And I get glimpses of the old father, and visits when we just chat (instead of just a long list of the things he wants doing to the house ... like fastening the wardrobe to the wall so he can use the doorknob to pull himself out of bed).

Home isn't what I would have chosen - no grounds, just a small patio, small rooms, and mainly dementia patients. But it's small enough that the staff all know DF, and indeed me, and many of them seem genuinely to like DF. Manager is very much in evidence. And they cater to DF's dietary fads, making special meals if he doesn't like what's on offer. He's clearly on the way out (he's nearly 100 so not surprising) but he seems happy there, so I'm not planning to move him.

Thanks for that dint really helpful.
jace I am so sorry you have all this to deal with. Is there somewhere you could escape? Even the much maligned spa day? Or take yourself out to a nice hotel? 🌺🌺🌺

Lost the thread, will try to catch up later. My mother has been beyond awful. I can't do this any more

We're here when you're ready.

Lem ready to listen. Rant away.

Cockroach to those needing it at the moment.

Jace and Lem we're here for a virtual handhold.

Feeling really raw just now. So last week had home visit from geriatrician, mum was in a good mood, geriatrician pretty much signing her off as the carers seem to have made a real difference and the trazadone - I knew it would go tits up, it has.

Later in the week community medication nurse came round to assess meds. Fine . Wanted to align meds so i dont have to visit chemist every week and meds wouldn't get forgotten.

Mum went ballistic when meds turned up all higglety piddledy amounts so i can just fetch them once a month. Actually turned up at my work place demanding her "fucking cash card" making it look like I am keeping it from her - it's so i can do her shopping. What ensued was total chaos, flushed her tablets down the toilet, calling me all the names under the sun. How she managed to walk to my job i dont kniw - she has carers and i do all her shopping because she is meant to be bed bound loads of drama with drs.

Spoke to me so disgusting like she hates me, "get that bitch to sort my tablets or I'll make you take them" that sort of thing. I lost my temper and shouted at her that she is making me ill. She rang me last night and told me she has cancelled the carers, she hasn't - she wants me grovelling to her.

She called dp today and said the carers have broken her curtains and wants to "get them into trouble.

Was so scared she was going to turn up at my job again today - my bosses will not take kindly to this. I had to leave work yesterday to find her as i was worried she'd get on a bus as that's what she said she wanted the card for.

I feel utterly shattered, it's wrecking my relationship because dp says that the fact she was able to walk to my workplace shows she is taking us for mugs and why am I pandering to her.

All of this and I feel guilty, like it was my tantrum.

Sorry, that was a mega rant, sort of a scorpion rather than cockroach

Oh No lem that sounds appalling. Can’t offer any solutions or wisdom... how on earth did she get to your workplace?
Who is supporting you?
🌺🌺🍷🍷

She walked, it's about half a mile. Dp, is good but it's wearing him down. I will only visit with him with me as she is verbally abusive otherwise and it upsets me.

I feel bad though because i dont do that much compared to you guys and I resent it too

First rule of the cockroach cafe.... don’t feel guilty. Your dm sounds horrendous. No medals here but lots of support and listening.

Thank you

Christ Lem that sounds proper grim. But maybe your DP has a point about her abilities being more than she is letting on to you considering what she managed?

Personally, I would tell her that on that basis I was going to withdraw my services, as she neither needs nor deserves them, and lay low for a while. She needs to learn that sort of behaviour is unacceptable, and has put you in a difficult position at work.

(When I got POA on my mums bank account, I got my own card so that if DB takes her out she can still use hers. It saved all the drama about me 'meddling in her affairs', etc)

LEM never feel bad - you are doing what you can in awful circumstances. And she sounds a peach... ranting helps!