The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

[MereDintofPandiculation]

A space for us all to get together for relief from caring, share news, frustrations, problems, or just have a rant. Everyone and everything welcome (though if you have a big problem needing advice, you may want to start a new thread so as to be heard above the noise of the clanking gin bottles and general chatter)

I have no fear of actual death now, although I hope it wont be for a good 20 years or so (I'm 58), but I do have a fear of a protracted, painful, undignified death which causes my children so much pain. I'm far more selfish than you - I fear a protracted etc death because it's me that has to go through it. I've had to deal with my Dad, I don't see why I should feel bad about my children having to deal with me. They're adults - they can look after themselves.

What does cockroach mean?

the only thing with living on adrenalin autumn is that eventually it runs out. I was 'the daughter round the corner', every tiny thing became an emergency in the end, and after mum died it took a long while for me to stop panicking every time the phone rang... nowadays when I see an ambulance with blue lights I dont have to think OMG is that for mum? I dont want my kids to be in that situation. Am thinking bout joining Dignity in Dying, to campaign for a change in the law for the terminally ill (even though mum wasnt, I reckon it would create a culture in which people could talk about situations where they would no longer want to live)

LEM cockroach has somehow kind of become a shorthand to recognising the ridiculousness we live through, and means 'cheers'. It comes from my DM, on admittance to a lovely care home, attending a 'meet the animals' event. She met a small animal with a hard back and bless her, couldnt find the word, so my DB helpfully suggested cockroach.

(this was hilarious at the time!)

yolo ".. nowadays when I see an ambulance with blue lights I dont have to think OMG is that for mum? I dont want my kids to be in that situation."

I totally get that.

it's been really helpful typing this out. I think winter, and a few not-mum related factors are making me more stressed and I'm probably mixing things up in my head.

autumn when you are deep in the middle of it all you don't have a minute to clear your head... it's bloody tough.

I am also the daughter round the corner, literally and yes!! Everything is an emergency and my heart sinks when my phone rings. Many things on this thread resonate - thankyou.

Interesting point about the DP's wishing to reassert dominance in the relationship.

The dread of seeing 'mum' flashing up on my mobile, usually when I am at work. A friend took me out after work for a G&T a few years ago when I was going through a rough spot, and as I sat down the call came through. I ignored it. Then listened to the voicemail which was she'd managed to lock herself out (don't need a key safe) and I needed to go immediately with the key that I had. Except I was an hour away from her at work, it was winter so cold and dark etc. Luckily I hadn't had a drink and so could drive, but it was definitely one of those points at which I started to resent her not cooperating with things like getting a key safe fitted because she could rely on me instead. (I fitted the key safe the following weekend against her wishes).

Am thinking bout joining Dignity in Dying, to campaign for a change in the law for the terminally ill The depressing thing is that we may in my lifetime get as far as "assisted dying for those in the last 6 months of a terminal illness" but I can't see any prospect of assisted dying for those faced with 12 years of dementia - and it's the 12 years of dementia that really scares me (especially as they'll add insult to injury by expecting me to pay to stay alive against my will).

The dread of seeing 'mum' flashing up on my mobile, usually when I am at work. Oh yes, I know that well. It may just be "I can't send Any emails, we're Completely Out of Communication" (he had the grace to laugh when I pointed out we were in fact communicating at that moment) but it can also be "My head is bleeding and I can't stop the blood" followed by a 2 hour wait for an ambulance and 5 hours in A&E.

Luckily I hadn't had a drink and so could drive I have been known to invent a drink, but admittedly even I wouldn't leave an elderly parent locked outside their home.

it's the 12 years of dementia that really scares me my only hope is that I have enough awareness of being on that path to exit stage left while I can.

yes nota, I do not want to turn into my mother...
even I wouldn't leave an elderly parent locked outside their home this made me laugh dint!

And I should add that mum did not have dementia until probably the last 3 months of her life (in my view induced by stress and pain) so its nothing compared to the long slow decline. Although shocking when you realise its happening, she had got a bit forgetful before the start of her end but nothing compared to how she became.

So I really do feel for you who are dealing with dementia longterm.

Another daughter round the corner!
Dm furious with me as called out doc after carer contacted me concerned ..... cancelled dB visits but expects me there every day at the mo....
and she loathes the fact that I have control.....

Mum would argue with the paramedics about whether or not she needed to go to hospital, saying "my daughter just wants rid of me" and they were always angelically amazing and would say things like "if you were my mum I'd want you to go". Paramedics are such superb people.

nota sounds like you are in the trenches, its Friday, here's a

sandwich she cancelled your DB visits?!

I don’t see a control thing with my mum. I’m not round the corner, I’m about 90 mins, 2 hours depending on trains. I think her wanting me socialise more is partly that she’s very influenced by the age we live in, and perhaps has a view “if I’d been single and childfree at your age, I’d have done xyz”.

She has two neighbours with keys which is good. They also help her with bins etc.

Sandwich does your DB 'work' by any chance? Mine does, which is why DM doesn't want him to have to visit, and would prefer me to do it instead - I work full time, commute, have kids, etc, but apparently that doesn't count over gender.

Thanks for the support, folks- I am retired and around the corner, dbs both work and are 90 mins away, but offered to visit this weekend as she cannot walk.
It would have cheered her up and made things a bit easier for me- but she declined, sharing the load a bit
I am so much more fortunate than you nota and others that there are less demands on me but I didn’t envisage this when I slogged at my career, leaving dd and travelling a lot, to be consumed by caring when I gave up work.
And yes the gender thing- son visits are guests, ceremonial. Even the phone calls are different.
Rant over and 🌺🌺☕️☕️ To all.

my only hope is that I have enough awareness of being on that path to exit stage left while I can. Yes, but that in itself is scary. What happens if you muff your exit?

and she loathes the fact that I have control. And so would I. Bad enough if it were my dearly beloved DH, but my sons ...?

And yes the gender thing- son visits are guests, ceremonial. No siblings, so I don't get that. But I know that DH and DSs don't get told about all the problems I get told about, nor is there any suggestion they might want to help with toileting. They don't get hugs either, just manly handshakes.

sandwich can’t they play the “but I want to see you” card? And put puppy eyes on?

Retired AND round the corner, how often are you there?

dint I do get the control thing.... I would hate it and try and let her have as much control as poss but when it is a case of calling out the doc after carer concerns I will overrule if I agree.
rose thanks...... their puppy eyes didn’t work and to be fair she seems better after a bit of peace.....
I am currently there at least a couple of hours a day.... but have some day escapes planned next week carers permitting..... in normal times it’s three times a week for at least2 hours a time........plus all the jobs/ shopping in between........... I don’t know how you working folk manage at all. 🌺🌺🍷🍷

sandwich “ she seems better after a bit of peace.....”

That’s interesting

If you don’t mind me asking, you’re doing the jobs on top of the time there so are you mostly keeping her company in your other time?

in normal times it’s three times a week for at least2 hours a time........plus all the jobs/ shopping in between.......... That's slightly more than me. I making sure he's being seen every 3 days, mostly by me - managed to more or less keep it at that when he was home, in the last few months with the help of a care package. But even now he's in a home, there's a surprising number of jobs to do - small shopping like batteries for his torch, making sure he has paper and pens, checking medication ordering is going OK, cleaning his electric shaver, keeping my records up to date (invaluable when arguing care related things), keeping an eye on his house - we haven't yet dared that difficult conversation. Sourcing a ramp so he can get into our house, booking a wheelchair for Christmas Day. I know others have it far worse.

With mum 'round the corner' (less than a minute's walk) I prob visited at least 5 days out of 7 of not 7 out of 7, but tried to keep it for an hour at a time max, and always timed it so I could have a glass of wine at hers... it was still very very tedious, and got worse as time went on. When she was in good form it was great; as the depression and fragility set in it got worse and worse. I hated that it became an obligation rather than a desire to see my mum, who became less of my mum as time went on.