The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

[MereDintofPandiculation]

A space for us all to get together for relief from caring, share news, frustrations, problems, or just have a rant. Everyone and everything welcome (though if you have a big problem needing advice, you may want to start a new thread so as to be heard above the noise of the clanking gin bottles and general chatter)

yolo mum’s brother is very ill though, I think I mentioned upthread about talking to various family members in other countries.

She’s not in good enough shape to travel abroad, he’s older than her, 84.

Maybe he will recover but she’s had a rotten week, also with a hospital appointment and me spending Sunday with her is the only nice thing she’s got. It seems mean to pull a sickie, though I won’t lie, it occurred to me as well!

Rant incoming!
FIL has signed up for a brand new SUV on a 3 year lease plan. He is 82 with multiple health issues but mobile. 6 years ago he was talking about giving up driving because he didn't feel safe. When he realised he was only going to get peanuts for his old car he decided to keep it until it wasn't worth repairing and just use it for local trips. Holidays and visits to BIL 2 were by train, we visited them. Then MIL had her stroke and the public transport/taxi options got hard so he started driving everywhere again and replaced the old car. Last December I followed him for 3 miles and if I didn't know better I would have assumed he'd been drinking he wandered so much.

Now he is signed up for another 3 years driving and not only that he is committed to 3 years monthly payments. But that doesn't matter apparently, as if he dies they will just take the car back. He hasn't considered all the other what ifs, like what if he has to give up his licence, what if MIL dies/ has to go into a home and he loses her disability benefits. Those scenarios fall into the dreaded "don't you worry about that" then change subject pattern he uses when he doesn't want to face reality/ tell the truth.
It's all because SS suggested he look at motability. Until then he was perfectly happy with his 5yo car that we had to help fund. Even that took a lot of heart searching and we only did because he promised short, local trips only. A promise he hasn't kept. He told OH he can't get a motability car because he is too old - there is no upper age limit. He told OH that SS decide to give him mobility PIP when he had a meeting with them to finalise his care package on Tuesday and that 's what is paying for it. If he was confused he would talk about the details, when he is lying he just shuts everything down. He is lying, we know it, we know if it all goes wrong we will be expected to sort it out and judgy pants aunt will be on the phone again. Hopefully it won't be a problem for ages but it's there taking up headspace.

Countrygirl might be worth contacting the DVSA to see about getting him to resit his test?

Who is Dolores Umbridge?? Sadistic kitten woman in Harry Potter, played chillingly by Imelda Staunton.

I know that my DF will want to chat about his ailments Could be worse. My DF is happy to describe his motions in graphic detail to anyone too polite to shut him up.

Countrygirl might be worth contacting the DVSA to see about getting him to resit his test? And talk to the leasing company about mis-selling and taking advantage of a clearly elderly and not-all-there person?

The trouble is we have no idea who he has bought the car through. We only know it's a small SUV, not even the make - we don't need to know that.. He would have appeared totally fine talking to any sales person, he knows what he wants and he knows how to get it and will say anything to that end. OH says Boris Johnson reminds him of his father in that respect😲. When he wanted to bring MIL home he told SS that he had no medical conditions. He had diabetes, atrial fibrillation and Parkinson's. We had to tell SS the truth. He also told SS that there was no need for an emergency back up plan as family had promised they would cover when the opposite was the truth. He told us there was a back up plan in place. Which worked fine for him until he was hospitalised and I phoned SS to put the non existent plan into action.
Based on a friends experience I have little faith in the DVLA doing anything to stop him driving. Her DF was terrible and they just wrote him a letter asking if he was ok to drive to which he, of course, answered yes.

Hi all - hugs to anyone that needs them
I’m doing ok apart from drinking too much still
Still beset by the practical things in life like trying to sort out DM pension credit, tv licence, her share of Dads pension etc etc
Trying to ignore Xmas
Stressful work situations getting me down

Hi Jace I was thinking of you

I need all the hugs but not for oldie reasons!
Re TV licence, your mum should have a free one shouldn’t she?

We found the DWP quite good but I think the issue is partly “dealing with admin while bereaved”.

I’m going to have another conversation with mum about practical things tomorrow

She’s so keen on sharing jobs, I just want either of us to do them but the splitting drives me nuts

She’s been on the phone for two hours today moaning about various things. I get that not having dad around makes her lonely but I do wonder how much of their conversation revolved around moaning!

Did you manage to do your thing yesterday Autumn?

nota no, I woke up way too late - I’d have had to be ready to go into town about 8. I woke up at 10. Needed the sleep.

Some stress going with me and a lease extension, plus I get really bad SAD, so ended up having a sleep and a cry in the afternoon!

I found some very old cassette tapes from the 1970's that we used to send between my Grandad, a Great Aunt (by marriage), us and family in Australia. Listening to them was amazing. Grandad's tapes were full of positive stuff asking questions of the family, telling us what he's been doing including making coconut buns! The Great Aunts tapes were full of moaning, complaining and saying how awful life was - yet I know she had a good social life and good health.

They were both in their early 80's in these tapes yet so different. A positive attitude is so important.
Not sure what this adds to the thread it just really struck home. DM is like Grandad and we love spending time with her. In-laws are like Great Aunt - nothing is ever right, everything is awful and they love a good crisis. We duty visit every week but no more.
Hope all are well this very wet Sunday.

Not having a great day today!
Keep coming over very emotional
DP lost his job a few days ago - probably due to his mental state but increases pressure for me as although I’m not obliged to I always end up bailing him out financially
The whole Xmas thing is leaving me cold - I’m shopping etc but have no joy in any of it
I keep thinking of my dear Dad n filling up - I’ve had a few vivid dreams and can still ‘feel’ the last kiss he gave me
In my brighter moments I am grateful for what I had and that I know how much he loved me but it really really hurts right now

DM finances bit of a headache at moment - did the tell one tell all re pensions etc but Dads work pension thought that DM was also dead! So have stopped his pension which she should’ve gave carried in getting 1/2 off
Pension credit say she’s been overpaid n want a rebate but no idea how much
Meanwhile DM has no money to live on - good job she doesn’t spend much!!!

Mucked out the horse in tears this morning. Very upsetting visit to my parents. My mum did recognise me in a photo, full face, taken last week and I was showing it to her. My 92yo dad is increasingly frail and in constant pain. They cope and just need pop in visits at the moment. My brother who lives locally is in denial about Mum. The wierd thing is if you spent half an hour or so talking she would seem fine but longer and the conversation gets repeated because she forgets that you have already talked about and every so often she says something jaw droppingly strange. They have their own small bungalow so they get zero help.
Then I came home to more fuss about FIL who is apparently having cash and resources thrown at him to the extent he can afford a car which we now know costs over £27000 as well as a far better care package than anyone I know. I'm afraid I lost it and told poor DH exactly what I was thinking about how his dad gets everyone running around for him and subbing buying things because he claims he is so poor.

They have their own small bungalow so they get zero help. that shouldn't preclude them from help if they're in England. They're still entitled to the care they need, and even though it's means-tested, if they're living in the bungalow, the value of the bungalow won't be taken into account, and financial contribution from them will be based purely on their income and savings.

Sorry, that probably wasn't very helpful. It is difficult when you see your parents struggling and someone who seems in a much better situation getting yet more help. And it's hard to see your parents decline - the bodies are still there, but every day the person inside the body is less an less like the person you know. And occasionally you get glimpses of them, which is nice at the time, but just accentuates what is lost - and made worse when you are in a situation to see all this, whereas those around you are seeing less of them and just get that first bit of the conversation when they seem to be coherent.

For the cat lovers

I really don’t know how I’d cope without Dcat to be fair

jace thank you for your pics. Lovely after a tough few days dealing with another dm fall/ a and e/ etc etc.... head injury/ scans etc...
countrygirl have your dps looked at attendance allowance? Non means tested. Get help( age uk or carers assoc) to complete.

Lovely puss! I do just having a cat but ntroducing a new one but 2 lively dogs doesn't seem fair.

My parents get on ok really. They prop each other up, are very independent minded and just need popping in type checks and lifts to the shops. DB1 lives close to them and calls in a couple of times a week and friends give them lifts - dads blue badge has benefits. The only issue is how long they can go on like that. It just bugged me that when dad fractured his pelvis and a couple of vertebrae the lead time for any grant they could apply for to convert the bathroom to a walk in shower was so long it wasn't practical and you can't carry out the work before the grant is agreed.
Sunday DH realised finally how manipulative his dad has been. He gets all poor me, I just have my meagre pension and I have a big bill or something needs replacing and family have been paying up. It now turns out he is better off than us and BIL2 . Where we thought they had enough money to live comfortably but no more it appears that he has all sorts of allowances from goodness knows where and has been saving to the extent he is at risk of losing some means tested allowances. Hence the expensive car so he isn't saving as much. Poor DH was floored when he said that as FIL has been dropping heavy hints that his washing machine was very old and he was worried about how he would cope if it needed replacing. There was a plan in place to buy him a new one. Plan has now changed to "let me know when you've bought a new one and one of us will plumb it in". When DH asked how he would afford the monthly payments if MIL died and he shouted "you just want your mother dead" and slammed the phone down.

*jace Your cat is wearing a hat and you still have fingers???!!

Hugs to everyone who needs them

Loving the cat pics. I’m also amazed anyone can get their cat in a hat but I’ve never actually owned a cat so hardly an expert!

also sending love to all. This dealing with oldies is so bloody tough. cockroach one and all xx

I’ve just had another tearful outburst over the joys of dealing with an oldie. It really is just so shit isn’t it. Thank goodness for this anonymous board.

And again, because I can’t say it anywhere else - family is such a load of shite.