The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

[MereDintofPandiculation]

A space for us all to get together for relief from caring, share news, frustrations, problems, or just have a rant. Everyone and everything welcome (though if you have a big problem needing advice, you may want to start a new thread so as to be heard above the noise of the clanking gin bottles and general chatter)

Thanks for the support yolo and rose
rose vent away. Sorry it’s so crap. 🌺🌺🍷🍷
cockroach all

This showed up on my YouTube suggestions and cheered me up, though I saw it at the time

They need to add in Maxine Peake, Andrew Scott and Cush Jumbo

Outgrew last years hat

First Xmas hat
Dcat is very placid

Too cute!

I tried type “Jane” earlier and it autocorrected to Jace 😂

I think I upset mum this evening

I said I was going to pull back from helping her with a couple of things because I spent ages on them and she forgot about them. I’m not complaining that she’s forgetful at her age, I just politely pointed out that I couldn’t do the same stuff again (it was time sensitive).

She was upset and kept saying “but it’s not my fault”. I know it’s not, but just saying to her “it’s okay, I’d just like to handle this differently” has upset her. I think I did too much for her after dad died - as many posters said to me at the time...

here is an upside down pic of my ridiculous dog to add some cheer!

No pets here, the only thing I could post is a pic of a wilting houseplant which I will save you from.

I think skipping a week with DM did me the world of good. What really struck me at last night's visit though was how shabby her house is looking these days. She used to be super house proud, and yet now there are dirty tissues everywhere, the washing basket is overflowing, the kitchen in need of a scrub down. Sad for her really. I need to find a way of tackling it.

Loving dog pic Yolo 😊

nota the thing I find about skipping visits is it makes the next one worse. So I get back to my own planet for longer and then really feel super awful when I arrive on hers.

Please may I join? After a 2 year battle to get my mother to accept carers coming to her house, she us, predictably, kicking off about them. "Don't like that bitch", "they don't heat my food up for me" etc etc I am scared she is going to refuse to have them. The geriatrician visited on Tuesday and she was on a good day, and was happy that things are "so much better" i just shrugged. I know we are heading for yet another uneccesary hospital admission (she calls 111/999 if she feels even the slightest bit unwell) that turns into major drama due to mother not wanting to stay, me and DP make pound bets based on her mood whether there will be a a&e visit.

The geriatrician visited because of this.

I'm at my wits end, i know it's all going tits up again and I simply cannot cope. I feel bad because all I do is mums shopping but it's all the drama and my mother is "difficult" abusive

There doesn't seem to be a single one person I can contact as they all have disparate roles and no one coordinator

Will read other posts for perspective

Ohhh the pet pics have perked me up.

Here are my boys and a random hedgehog from work

Hi LEM

I’ve seen your posts re your mum

You have a lot to deal with.

Sorry, yet more ranting but it’s good to rant here or I’ll upset mum and cousin

I think one of the things that’s so hard about this is a simple task or decision takes forever and I still think it might be “bored individual trying to create activity”.

Mum often thinks my anxiety and depression are the reason I find it hard to cope with her. I should let her think this, probably. I mean, she’s 81, nothings going to improve is it?

When she’s lovely she’s so lovely but the minute any kind of task comes in, even just helping her with shopping, she has to make a mission of it.

She’s also back on her bandwagon of how I don’t socialise enough, I need to start lying about it I think.

Hello all. Sorry you have to join us lem
Understand completely re carers complaints etc..... dm currently has some she mostly likes but complains about so many little things.
It’s losing control. So hard.
I think it’s back to thinking about the metaphorical Teflon- what can we do to protect ourselves from the vortex of doom? coffee, good friends, audiobooks and chocolate, plus getting outside.... seem to help me.
Plus pet pics! Sadly we lost our dog this year. I miss her ears.

Thanjs autumn and sandwich.

So sorry about your dog sandwich.

I told my mum off today for speaking to me like shit. The community nurse was there doing a meds review, that didn't go well. You are right shadow, it is about control. I like your vortex of doom analogy. I need to learn to screen my calls better 😁

Autumn you mustn't let your mum convince you that - caring is bloody tough x

LEM "I told my mum off today for speaking to me like shit"

good for you!

in fairness, I can't really say I'm "caring" for mum, just helping her if that makes sense.

she seems to have much more brain in today which makes me wonder - I think it's quite easy to fall into a dependent pattern, especially as she's used to dad doing everything for her.

rose you need to develop armour about the comments re social life etc.... it is about them trying to reassert control. Being economical with the truth a few fibs.
cockroach all

sandwich " it is about them trying to reassert control."

not sure what this means?

I think it’s about mother’s trying to reassume the parenting role rather than us having the power over them.
Does that make sense? So they know best.... certainly how dm works.

sandwich oh I see.

I don't think that's it...

My introversion was increasing long before dad died, and he also worried about it.

he used to ask if I was okay for money because he was so concerned that I was home most nights on the internet or reading or whatever, he thought I might be having some sort of financial crisis!

And I didn't attend a couple of big things, like 40th birthdays, when he was in hospital, and he got quite upset about it, saying "why are you here, you're supposed to be at Jane's party" etc and then I'd be thinking "mate, you're dying, that's why I'm here" - but he didn't really accept he was dying at that point.

anyhoo - short version, I think mum just thinks introversion is bad for me and I'll end up with no friends to rely on etc. To be fair, there's probably a whole bunch of MNers who would agree with her!

Evening all.

One of my Dad's carers resigned on Tuesday. Said he had made it clear both by words and actions that he didn't want her there. She lasted three weeks.

He didn't need her.

On Wednesday his legs won't work getting out of bed and he slides down to the floor, unhurt, and is unable to get up. He presses the emergency button and the resident carers come up to his room, but because he has no contract with them (doesn't need them, doesn't like them), they can't/won't help. So they call 999.

I've got steam coming out of my ears and can only rant at poor husband about it all, as any kind of debate with my Father is beyond frustrating

Parsley sorry to hear that.

so what happened in the end? I'm a bit confused that he has an emergency button if he's not got a contract. Sorry if you have explained this before.

I think that old age and fragility brings with it such a huge loss of control of your own way of life that you (one) become fiercely defensive of it.

My mum was widowed at 68, died at 88. For the last 20 years of her life she was grieving; for the first 10 years of those she was capable, mentally and physically, and then it started to go tits up. If she had died at 78 rather than 88, I think it would have been much better for her (and in some ways better for me and DB too).

I have no fear of actual death now, although I hope it wont be for a good 20 years or so (I'm 58), but I do have a fear of a protracted, painful, undignified death which causes my children so much pain.

Sorry, that's probably a bit philosophical bullshit for those of you are in the middle of the dealing with oldies phase, but I'm waiting for it to start with the PIL quite soon.

cockroach to all those in the thick of it - whatever you think, know you are doing the best you can even if it doesnt feel like it right now, and get some teflon on your shoulders and carve out some time to look after yourselves xx

yolo yes, totally get that.

I'm very bad at taking things day by day. So I see into the future and panic that mum will live a long life of horribleness - and yes, I am aware of the selfishness in that too. Her side of the family is a bit cursed with longevity and the last years up to 90 have consisted of lying in a nursing home bed. She doesn't want that either.

Living in the present - she's okay mostly. So I know I should take it day by day, but then on the other hand, being perma-ready for disaster actually really helped me when dad was ill.