The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

[MereDintofPandiculation]

A space for us all to get together for relief from caring, share news, frustrations, problems, or just have a rant. Everyone and everything welcome (though if you have a big problem needing advice, you may want to start a new thread so as to be heard above the noise of the clanking gin bottles and general chatter)

The thing about 'panicking' is that it's hard to tell when it's the right thing to do and when it isn't. EG, mum ended up not telling me about numerous falls because she knew if she did I would want to get her looked over. And, to me, that was the right thing to do but she just wanted to be in her own home rather than the nightmare A&E trip. And I actually think that before her final, catastrophic fall, she had quite a few bangs to her head which may well have contributed to the dementia she developed over the 5 months before her death.

You just don't know, and you have to take someone's capability into account, and you still feel as if you didnt do it 'right'!

I suppose that you can stop being a friend but you can never stop being family, so even though you may never speak to family and not even like them, you have some sort of a bond, whereas a friendship bond can be broken if your life circumstances or preoccupations change.

Rhino yes, that's true.

yolo I think it's different when it's practical stuff. I was really meaning that I practically became a different person when dad died as I was so panicked about mum and if I had stayed calmer, I would not now have cousins with oldies telling me all their troubles too. Yes, I know that sounds selfish, but I always just wanted to be a hermit.

Mere cross post

well, I had zero contact with these people before dad died so in my case it doesn't apply. It was just a really fucking stupid decision I made.

autumnrose because you asked them to help on grounds of logistics, it doesnt mean you have to pick up their burdens too. eg, late night calls - dont answer?

yolo I don't know, that seems wrong. If I was prepared to ask for help, I should be prepared to offer help. Re late night, it's because they know I'm a late person, plus there's a time difference to factor in.

Also, if they're calling to tell me their parent has died, that's one of mum's siblings that's died, and it's now down to me to break that kind of news to her and to be round there when I deliver it.

I'm really expecting her 84 year old brother to go soon and it feels like way too soon to tell her that piece of info after telling her the hospice called and dad's dead just over a year ago.

there was a post on the bereavement board with someone referring to a relative as having "the emotional range of a wellington boot". I actually wish that was my emotional range. I'm convinced those people go through life feeling much better.

It’s a strange one - old rellies turned up for funeral - some of whom I weren’t aware of! No practical use but will help when I continue my genealogy research
Friends of parents especially through church will help DM in longer term
I’m not expecting much other than me and my DC can provide (SS not needed just yet) so will accept any help gratefully
First steps us to get DM doing a few community based things eg singing fir the brain

I’m still a bit out there at moment - crying off n on - what to do with Xmas stuff - should I book a holiday etc
Really I just want to run away from everyone - book myself into a cheap premier inn n pull a duvet over my head n stay there until I feel better

Handhold for everyone coping with bereavement.

Yesterday was a bit of a great news/ shit news day. FIL wanted to go on an outing so OH sat with MIL in the morning and BIL took over in the afternoon. Care problems are sorted! The early and late visits are fixed but he also has 8 hours a week that he can use as he likes. He is quite happy doing toilet duties so he can use them for going out or even just going into the shed and doing some wood turning. If someone else is looking after her, like Saturday, he can book,care visits for toiletting. Not only that, if he doesn't use them he can carry forward. Presumably there is a time limit to that but he is happy now. He has known since Thursday but didn't think to let us know even though SIL have spoken to him Friday morning!
But, there's always a but isn't there. MIL was sick a couple of times. No obvious reason. We knew she had been travel sick a couple of times over the summer but both were really hot days when they should have stayed in the cool. BIL told FIL she had been sick when he got back and apparently it's a near daily occurrence. The doctor wants a bone marrow test and she won't consent. Of course she can't express why she won't consent so it might be for something she could be reassured about. FIL went into his " you don't need to worry about that" mode which we know from experience means he doesn't want to tell us the truth. So either the doctors think it's something big and scary and he doesn't want to tell us or (more likely) he has no idea, is worried about the worst and will explode later in a panic. We can't even get whether the concern is red or white cells and whether they are too high or too low. So we just have to sit back and wait. Her throat muscles don't work well so she is high risk for aspiration pneumonia.
Next week end I visit my parents. No doubt I will get there my 92yo dad will be sporting yet another injury from a fall they haven't mentioned and I will have to tell my mum all about eldest's new girlfriend 3 times again.

I'm new and hoping to join you.

My Dad is 90 and frail, but (despite many jokes by him about putting a pillow over his face), has a strong life force and a very real fear of dying.

His quality of life is much reduced and he barely leaves his flat, except to go to numerous doctor/hospital appointments.

Both my brother & I visit once a week and he has carers in daily. I phone most days.

He is quite demanding and I am finding it stressful, being pulled in so many directions.
The problem is that he is bored, but won't do any of the activities at his assisted living retirement home because he 'doesn't like old people.' 😩

I guess I just needed to vent a bit.

welcome parsley. I too had a 'doesnt like old people* mum - it makes it very difficult! there are befriending services, she had a lady who came once a week for an hour or so for a cup of tea and a chat. mum wasnt too keen on that either actually...

AutumnRose1

Couldn't help but and at your comment at your thought of hoping to live as long as Geoge Michael . He died at age 52 ! I'm on borrowed time then. Yes I agree you will change your mind on that one !

Parsley hello, have a virtual G&T or whatever your preferred option is.

Vent as much as you like.

Victoria I don’t mean this to be depressing but some of us just aren’t meant to be here that long. I think George would not have welcomed being older. I’m still amazed I got to 40 without doing myself in (long term A&D). I don’t see my death as being a disaster at all, I just need to outlive mum!

Re the doesnt like old people my parents had a lot of younger friends. I do think it helps. Though I nearly fell off the sofa when mum used the term “dick pic” earlier not because I’m stereotyping her due to age, it’s just not the kind of thing I thought she knew about!!

Evening everyone, have been reading this thread for a couple of days and today l thought was time to vent to ppl who will understand. l just couldn't take anymore from my Mum today and snapped at her. She is not a very nice person and l suspect she has Histrionic narcissism which is as it sounds , all about her and attention seeking behaviour. She manages to guilt trip me by saying why are you speaking like that to me . I am not speaking badly to her just loudly because she cannot hear. 'You are being nasty to me ' when l am just asking her if she has rung my Brother to tell him she won't be going down to their house for Sunday lunch again this week. 'l haven't had time yet, you are treating me as if l am mental'. I am not like that l am so kind to her but she is totally self absorbed and l really cannot do anything right. I am so pissed off and so stressed by it all. My Dad died in March and all l get from her is how much she loves & misses him and how badly he treated her and this is alternated as and how she is feeling at the time.
A friend of my parents , Bob, who lost his wife 3 weeks ago called in to see Mum today and she was on and on about herself and so insensitive to how Bob must have been feeling. Poor man.
I have fallen out badly with my sister and her DH because Mum had a nanny cam installed because she is elderly and needs care , l look after her 5 days a week. l had a link on my phone via the app and l could hear my Sister saying terrible things to my Mum about me. I worshiped my sister , l shared my DDS with her and l put her on a pedestal. I have been so upset about her and discovering she did this about me. I can't explain how upset l am. She has always spoken badly about other ppl to me and l never realised she spoke that way about me too, l must have been so thick. Honestly the things she said were awful. I was not grieving my father , or my Dmil or my BF , l was smug and self satisfied at my Dmil funeral , l am evil, jealous of her .
She smears me to Mum about everything such as l have not bought her washing in from the line when l would do it normally , her bloody washing was wet , if l had bought it in wet then that would have been wrong. l could go on and on honestly and l miss her and still love her but l realise she is not a very nice person . l have gone mad over this smearing of my name to my Mum. l had a massive row with my sister and have gone NC with her. l feel so betrayed by Mum and my sister. My Mum rolls my sisters sleeves up and l am not allowed to speak even to explain anything . I am shouted at by Mum she says 'MOUTH' to me and l am genuinely heart broken and l just want to get off this horrible roundabout l seem to be on. I wonder if l am co dependant on them and this is why l want things to improve because if l could think straight then l would run a mile before going back to the relationship with my sister. Sorry for going on but it so helps to vent . I have not told you anything like what my life has been like this is a mere snapshot . I am bereft l really am , l have tried counselling but l can' t seem to get one that realises they are both narcs. I can never get closure l can never get any fair treatment . It is so painful. Thank you so much for letting me vent .

hi mrsmad, vent away it sounds like you need and deserve to. I'm so sorry that you are in such a horrible position, but at this (late!) stage of the night all I can do is offer you a bunch of

Yolofish it is more than enough , thank you so much

Mrsmad I am familiar with the types of people of which you speak, and you will find others on the stately homes thread if you want to read or post on there
For now I would just say whatever you need to do to protect yourself or build a wall around yourself then you must do it

First day properly back at work today was busy and stressful so made sure I left on time and had pre planned pleasant evening as DS out
Called in to TKmaxx to return a dress and bought a lovely black cardigan
Decided on quick stir fry for dinner then to spend the rest of evening researching holidays..........
Got home around 8.30 to find a message on answerphone from DPs DM saying his DF is end of life and they need to see/speak to him
To put in context they are a difficult family and have done some terrible things to DP to the point he went NC 15+ years ago
I still had to ring and tell him which wasn’t easy - he still does not want to see either of them and says my Dad was more of a father to him etc
On the other hand I can’t stay out of it and if nothing else will have to ring his DM tomorrow and say I’ve passed message on but nothing has changed and know she will probably either sound off at me or try and manipulate me to work on him

Pressed enter too soon - I just don’t need this today - selfishly - I just want some peace and quiet and to grieve and recover myself

I’m now on the Bacardi with Dcat booking an escape holiday!

Thank you @Rhinoskinhavel , l find l am doubting myself all the time, l see my Sister & Mother in my voice and the way l say and do things and l hate it . I don't understand why others don't see what l see. I am just trying to get through this a bit at a time but sometimes it overwhelms me and an outpouring happens. l am all over the place struggling with coping with my loss , l loved my Sister so much. Thank you so much for listening

Jace does DP not talk to his mum?

Under normal circumstances, you shouldn’t be stuck in the middle of this. In your current situation, even more so! Why didn’t she just ring him?

Jace if she sounds off at you can you just give her the same back?
How about emailing/messaging her instead of calling, it's a bit easier to control the narrative that way?

Autumn, he's been no contact with his parents for 15 years, I think it's safe to say he definitely does NOT talk to them!