The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

[MereDintofPandiculation]

A space for us all to get together for relief from caring, share news, frustrations, problems, or just have a rant. Everyone and everything welcome (though if you have a big problem needing advice, you may want to start a new thread so as to be heard above the noise of the clanking gin bottles and general chatter)

Hi All
Yes I’m ok ish (mostly)
DM is doing ok too - dementia definitely helps!
Met with vicar today re funeral arrangements and felt ok enough tonight to see a friend
I’m struggling with DB who is a bit of a control freak and still sees me as his little sister even though I’m 55! I’m trying to compromise without falling out
Started today with a heavy head cold which is not helping
Hope everyone else is battling through

Forgot to mention had a very stressy conversation with DWP who say DM has been overpaid by somewhere between £3 and £4K despite me continuously informing them as to each change of circumstance - apparently I should’ve been aware that she had an underlying entitlement to carers premiums from 10 years ago and they’ve still been paying it in with her pension credit whilst he was in nursing home and they now want it back

jace that sounds a bugger... if you have the strength I would gather the evidence and send it to them with a big FUCK OFF. probs wont work, but it's the last thing you need.

I’m leaving it for now - I will try and challenge the decision when and if they force repayment
I think if it’s their mistake we shouldn’t have to repay

that's probably wise, just shelve it. and I agree that if their mistake it's not your problem. I once had a very long and protracted argument with British Gas, who said we owed them £3k. In fact, we didnt, and they owed us £2k! I did win which was very satisfying, but it took a lot of dogged persistence.

I’m feeling very melancholic tonight n holding paws with my main male in life

DS has been fab tonight - I’m feeling very sad and overwhelmed - crying but not able to let go - in case I can’t pull it back
Maybe after the funeral......
Under a lot of pressure work wise too

Dads nursing home rang this morning as DM turned up for a ‘meeting’
I’d arranged to take her there to thank staff for his end of life care etc n say goodbye
DM misunderstood due to dementia and forgot 1) I was picking her up 2) time arranged 3) why we were there (she thought it was to collect his stuff)
Thankfully most of the other residents also are not that with it and didn’t get annoyed with her telling them the same things 5 x over
I took her to Costa after but then got worried as she couldn’t find her way home n kept following me until I had to stop her and tell her to stop following me and pin point her in the right direction

Jacelancs that must be so hard.
More is coming out about FIL and his care package. He is now saying it wasn't a trial. Apparently he told the social worker he didn't need the 2 x 30 min toiletting visits during the day as he is perfectly capable of doing them himself and she agreed to swap for having both the day centre & the sitting service. Now someone else has picked up he is having both and he has been told he has to choose. But he has insisted, in emails, that he doesn't need the other daytime visits so they haven't been put back. He has been in contact with Age UK for advice and is going to talk to his Councillor. He still won't agree for SS to talk to us and doesn't want us getting involved.
He is now complaining that he can't do his supermarket shop as he always does that on Friday and MIL isn't at the daycare on Friday. OH pointed out that supermarkets are open other days and we can help him set up internet shopping but that didn't go down well.

I had a bit of a moment of clarity last night as to (at least one of the reasons) why my DM gets tetchy with me over nothing.

DM asked question A (related to something I was stood doing at the time), I responded with answer A1. She got annoyed and said why are you saying that to me when I asked question B (completely different subject). I said ok, my bad, and gave her answer B1. She then got back to asking question A again, and I gestured to what I was doing and said answer A1 again.

It seemed like she forgets the questions she is asking, and therefore thinks my answers are stupid. What a muddled, angry world she must live in, because I guess the alternative - her accepting she has dementia - is more frightening, or perhaps just no longer something she has the cognative function to do.

I must try to learn to be more tolerant towards her.

Anyone else dreading xmas yet?

My heart really does go out to all of you in the thick of it. It's such a horrible time, I remember feeling that nothing I ever did was good enough, I didnt handle things in the right way, there was so much pressure from every angle around mum, and that's leaving aside my own life issues.

Flowers, wine, cake, whatever gets you through. xx

Much sympathy, cats, cake, coffee and wine from me too to everyone in the trenches.
Just dealing here with a string of appointments for dm and lots of grumbling, so trips out are all chores I try and make enjoyable... but it’s not easy.
And yes yolo the sense that it’s never enough/ right......
cockroach all.

I’m dreading Xmas
Had already bought Dad a present and some Xmas decorations for nursing home
Have also got to get through funeral tomorrow
It would’ve been his 94th birthday in a few weeks so trying to arrange interment of ashes on that date
Got through my important work event today and now have 2 weeks till my major deadline
I’m hoping to take a few days off in December to do the dreaded Xmas shopping
Going away with DD in January for a long weekend n now trying to persuade DP to consider a winter sunshine holiday in early Feb
Hugs to you all

Thinking of you today jace I’m sure you’ll do him proud🌺🌺

hope it goes as well as can be jace, like thesandwich says I'm sure you'll do him proud, and it will be a celebration of his life.

Good luck today Jace and booking a break in Feb sounds like something bright and positive to be taking you through some of the milestones you've got coming up x

Thinking of you Jace

Mad busy here but Love to all

Today went as well as could be expected
For a man of his age the church was pleasantly full - we’d not ordered enough service booklets even to share!
DM coped admirably although tearful
Wake was also well attended
I’ve been more touched by all the messages n support offered to me
Some of my colleagues came to pay their respects and it was lovely to see old friends and distant relatives
I know there will be troubled times ahead before we all settle to new normal but all the support makes it do able - which includes you lovely lot!

Tonight I have Dcat my family and a lovely old cognac to hand

🌺🍷🍷🐱🐱jace sounds like you did him proud.

you did well jace - settle in with the cat and the cognac. It's hard, and you're right, adjustment takes a long time... look after yourself

in other news, I had the best convo with DB I've had for over a year tonight and he will stay with us the night before our hospital meeting on Dec 6. so that was good.

this is the only place I can say this

well I hope I can say it!

I split some errands with mum today and at one point, I saw her doing a short walk to the car, while I came back from the longer walk errand. 81, huddled against the cold and damp, bit wobbly.

I never, ever want to get old. horrendous.

the funny thing is, after dad died, I really thought she'd go too, but an inner life thing has come out and she's now thinking it might be okay to live another 10 years. I'm glad not to be dealing with the widow who couldn't see anything past her husband's death, of course. But all of it....long life and old age....just seems so wrong.

I always said George Michael's age would be about right for me. I wonder if I will feel like that when I get there.

Also, random note, I don't know how or why anyone does family. I am in touch with some distant family members after dad's death and it just feels like another chore sometimes.

I suppose we do it for them because we hope that someone will do it for us?
But yeah I don't really do family either.
(Long time lurker apologies for butting into the threat)

Rhino yes, I suppose most people do it because of some kind of reciprocal support thing, but in my case, with the distance, I've got extra people to offload too but that's about it really.

I turned to them in desperation after dad died because I had this overwhelming sense of needing help with mum. So it helps for them to call her regularly for example. But it then also means that I get late night calls from cousins who are currently dealing with their oldies.

I wish I'd panicked less at the time sometimes!

I wish I'd panicked less at the time sometimes
I suppose for most people these are uncharted waters, there is no map to follow and very little hope of intuiting the best way forward?