The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

[MereDintofPandiculation]

A space for us all to get together for relief from caring, share news, frustrations, problems, or just have a rant. Everyone and everything welcome (though if you have a big problem needing advice, you may want to start a new thread so as to be heard above the noise of the clanking gin bottles and general chatter)

jace I think as long as you are satisfied with the care, the cause doesnt matter so much? I mean, with bowel cancer and stroke, the onset of heart failure and pneumonia doesnt seem that unlikely really.

Pneumonia was always referred to as 'the old man's friend' - it's what was my mum's official cause of death, along with heart failure - but actually I think our bodies just wear out, and the added stress of additional disease will speed things up.

With mum, we are persuing a complaint with the hospital because there were so many failures of care along the last five months of her life that we can't not? Neither way is an easy option...

I don’t know about others experiences and am prepared to consider I am being a tad tetchy but am already a little bit jaded with grief hijackers!
There are at least 2 extended family members who wish to make a big performance of coming to funeral who didn’t bother to visit my Dad in the year since he had his stroke and hadn’t seen him for a long time before!!!
Found out tonight ex DH wants to come!!! He left me for OW 22+ years ago - hope he’s not bringing wife no 3 who never even met my Dad!
I’ve also already been subjected to other people telling me how hard it’s hit them as they are NC with own patents and my Dad was nearest they had!!!
Trying not to fall out with DB who although I love dearly has control issues - and is not always right (despite what he thinks)
Help lol

#yolofish very satisfied with care (in nursing home) but did pursue complaint re previous hospital admission and same re CCG and discharge options plus CHC assessment
All my complaints were upheld - I’m not convinced ‘lessons will be learnt’ but still better thsn saying nowt
CHC decision was overturned in our favour too

Grief hijackers....gird yourself Jace. My particular “favourite” was the security guard at dad’s work - who hadn’t seen him for four years? - saying “I think I’m more upset about his death than you are”.

Mmmkay

I was already annoyed with the newsagent and pharmacist telling me how much they missed him, though I admit they meant well.

Actually there’s more....so yes, sorry, be prepared. People be crazy!

no worries about tetchiness jace - deep breaths and plenty of alcohol.

when my father died, 23 years ago, he and mum were living somewhere very remote. 2 of his brothers, who he and we were not in contact with, flew/drove zillions of miles, missed the church bit, turned up at the house for the wake, and after 2 hours had to turn round and bugger off again! we just laughed really, it was so pointless.

autumn jesus... but actually people are really stupid around grief and how it expresses itself. Eg, when you are in the organising stage you look like you are in control - because you have to be; it's afterwards I think that you fall apart.

Security guard made me giggle - I know pharmacist will say something too as last time I went to collect DM repeat prescriptions he said each time you come I’m frightened to ask how DF is in case it’s not what I want to hear..........
On a more positive note my work colleagues and friends have not let me down x I have cards - flowers - genuine offers of coffee/listening coming out of my ears - DC are as always fab n Dcat has temporarily suspended hunting for a few hours lol

More cat pics

I’m feeling a bit numb today
Worked a bit - carried on sorting our Dads affairs
Worried I’m drinking too much n comfort eating........
Lots of minor tasks - sorting out clothes for DM, emailing family abroad, finding old photos

And Reuben

jace 🌺🌺 it’s early days....... whatever gets you through. Take care

Jace I agree, whatever gets you through at this point.

Are you taking on too much in terms of things like sorting photos? I get that everyone wants a different level of busy-ness but one relative asked for a particular photo of dad which I knew was somewhere in dads pile of chaos so I just said they’d get it when i had time.

Mum is really massively fretting as one of her friends has been burgled (they were away at the time). Friend is now fitting security light and camera but I’m discouraging mum. She’ll freak out every time a cat walks by, I do wonder if lights make things easier for burglars and who will be looking at the camera anyway?

I hope it doesn’t turn into a mega big thing.

I’m doing ok thanks had a teary start to the day as had a very vivid dream involving Dad but met DP for breakfast coffee n shared a hug n cry
Spent a lovely day shopping x eating etc with a friend and am rejuvenated for tomorrow helping DM - sorting flowers n going back to thank people at nursing home etc

May I scream please. We've had a few months of quiet from FIL and knew it was too good to last. Phone call from MILs sister this morning ( background - MIL is severely disabled after a stroke 4 years ago, really should be in a home but he insisted she came home). FIL has been in tears on the phone to her threatening to commit suicide. DH phoned him - we are an hour away and he is refusing to talk as MIL is awake. OH is now sitting waiting for the RAC as his car has broken down feeling totally helpless. No one knows what is going on. He probably won't tell OH even if he gets there as he won't discuss any problems in front of MIL and also won't leave her.

That sounds complicated Country. How serious do you think the threat of suicide is? Sounds like he may be at breaking point, and perhaps open (albeit reluctantly) to an intervention?

DH has finally managed to have a conversation with his dad while still waiting for the RAC and he's upset with the council because they are doing what they said they would. They have 4 visits a day, 2 half hor, 1 45 min and 1 60 min. He has also been having 6 hours sitting at the time of his choice. He also has the option of residential respite for up to 10 weeks. So all in all not bad for a fully funded package. He had the choice between the sitting service or 2 days at daycare and chose the sitting. Recently MIL has been going to daycare twice a week. He wouldn't say who was funding it but it appears to have been a trial during which he could also have the sitting service. Now they are saying he has to make a choice and he is upset he can't have both. He refuses to use the residential respite. He is now in full fury and going to write a letter of complaint to the Chief Exec.
We can see he is struggling but he won't accept the help we can give and thinks his DILs should give up their jobs to look after them, regardless of the fact we have our own parents as well.

Can he not swap any of the residential respite for extra day care? Might be worth talking to social services
Make sure he’s had his carers assessment reviewed too

Photo for the cat lovers
I’m with DP this weekend - one of his gorgeous kitties

And partner in feline crime

countrygirl I remember you from before, I think your FIL is particularly difficult and his and DH relationship not good/easy? In which case I think the best DH and you can do is kind of try and stand back and keep repeating what the options are - clearly it cant go on as it is, and your poor DH is stuck in the middle.

Yolo he can be very difficult. To be fair he has done an amazing job of looking after MIL but he proud and stubborn. He won't admit to a problem until it is a crisis, either in reality or in his head. He can be vicious if you can see a problem developing such as developing burn out. He will refuse to admit there is a problem until he is ill and accuse DH of trying to get rid of him etc. But at the same time he panics and doesn't listen to doctors properly so hears " ot serious " as serious and panics he is going to die, then phones late in the evening in a right state., when all he needs is a short course of antibiotics.
We can't even phone social services now to find out what his options are as he has told them he doesn't want to talk to us and there is a high chance that he has misunderstood. We got the ban after I phoned Social Services to complain about them "refusing" to organise respite so he could have a minor op, which meant family having to keep in a chair for a few days ( day patient but no lifting, pushing wheelchair etc), only to be told that he had said no need, family have volunteered before we even knew about the op.
He has a tendency to think if he just refuses residential respite for long enough the council will pay for 24 hour in home care, even though the overnight carer would have to sleep on a chair. He won't see the problem with that.
Gosh, sorry that was so long. RAC finally got to OH at 5 and are sending out a recovery vehicle this morning, but Aunt can't understand why OH isn't rushing over to see his dad.

Ot serious should of course be not serious

countrygirl that sounds like such an awful sitch - poor you and poor DH. Hopefully someone will be along with better advice, but in the meantime all I can think of is to keep bashing on with SS, make sure all the family know that FIL is refusing help and try and get at least some of them on side. thinking of you.

BIL & SIL are now aware of what he said to Aunt. SIL phones him every day and he hadn't said anything to her but she was concerned he seemed very tired last week. OH tried to persuade him to accept respite again today but got the whole "over my dead body" tirade. If he carries on like this that might be sooner rather than later. It will probably follow previous pattern of him getting more tired and angry with everyone until he has a bad atrial fibrillation episode which he will try to cover up until the carers insist on calling an ambulance.

yup countrygirl we had a lot of that kind of thing with my mum... yes, you are on the floor with a broken hip, no we cant just lift you back into bed... I'm sorry, it's bloody hard work.

jace are you okish? love and cockroach to all