The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

[MereDintofPandiculation]

A space for us all to get together for relief from caring, share news, frustrations, problems, or just have a rant. Everyone and everything welcome (though if you have a big problem needing advice, you may want to start a new thread so as to be heard above the noise of the clanking gin bottles and general chatter)

🌺🌺🌺jace

Awww look at kitty 😍

Is she not portable? My friends' cats all seem to be very portable but one does get a bit of face on if she knows she's going to the vet.

Cat people who don't actually have a cat end up watching things like this

jace big hugs for you, glad you have a cat for comfort - cats (and dogs) are so important

I'm losing the plot, I just keep crying and panic attacks. I had a phone appt with dr, he asked what I thought he could do? I said I didn't know but not anti depressants. So he's referred me for counselling - 3 week wait for an assessment appt.

TheGrimms want to sell the other property now. I think I might have to refer the whole lot to be handled by the SHL- just engage her to deal with all Grimm stuff, mum agrees. They are not going to handle mum getting 50% of the second property without a fight and I have no fight left. I'm at rock bottom.

On the upside mum says she's happy where she is and will do anything I recommend. She trusts me completely, but I no longer trust myself to act rationally or be strong enough to keep going.

I wrote the above an hour ago before I took a call from lovely Grimm wife who told me that mums dp is slipping away- "anticipatory drugs" have been delivered. That means I need to take mum to see him aSaP doesn't it? GW says 2-3 weeks but he's in a semi coma a lot of the time, has stopped eating and is aggressive and only brightened when he heard mums voice on the phone (eyes flickered). I need to explain it's probably the last time she'll see him and take her to say goodbye?

Help? I'm totally at a loss to know what to do for the best and know I'm close to breaking down myself. So I think it has to be Friday and then ...

nora I am so sorry. You need help getting through this. Would you consider something just to get you through? Anti dd aren’t the devil.
Give legal stuff to shl, who else can support you?
🌺🌺🌺🍷🍷

Oh Nora that sounds awful x hugs

I have deserted gin for tequila tonight Dcat not happy

I have had Anti Ds before, they made me go mad. I started doing things totally out of character and taking risks I would never usually take. then I came off them and the brain zaps were so awful I will never put myself throught that again.

Ive chatted through with my aunt and a good friend and I think I have to take mum on Friday to see him and tell her its probably the last time. I also need to swim (for me) before I go and then give them an hour or so together and then bring her home (she sees her care home as home now) and then I need to do something for me on Saturday.
I have taken monday off work and I will use the time to instruct a solicitor to act on my behalf to deal with the sales of the two properties and all comms with the Grimms.

I have been taking 5htp as an alternative to anti depressants and I have beta blockers to get me through the next two days.

Mum is more lucid than she was (probably more lucid than I am right now) I hope she can understand that this will be a goodbye visit.

It’s late and I’m not making sense so just to say hugs all round

Nora, is it worth talking Kalms or Stressless? All herbal.

And why does the cat have a red hat on? Not criticising his style choices, just wondered.

Autumn I take it you aren't a tequila drinker (the cat is wearing the bottle top and is probably glad Jace didn't have access to a cat sized poncho).

Nora ADs come in different types, the fact that you had a bad reaction to one type just means the Dr needs to put you on another. DS got worse on Citalopram, but is not on something that helps lift the worst of the fog. Whilst swimming is good, you are going through one hell of a lot at the moment and are already at rock bottom, what reserves have you got to draw from? Any chance of a repeat of the shagging til 4am?

It was citalopram that made me mad. It also got rid of my libido, made it impossible to have an orgasm and as I said increased risky behaviour. I'd rather try to get through without the ADs. But if I don't improve in two weeks when I've got a proper drs appt then I'll consider ads.

I'm ok at work and when doing stuff unrelated to mum and the Grimms. It's when I see an email or text from one of them that I go into stress mode which can last hours and feels like I'm going to explode.

I'll tell mum tonight to be ready on Friday morning for a trip up north on Friday and I'll tell her on the way about the actuality of the situation.

I've got a lodger moving in on Sunday too. I was as respite foster carer but clearly cannot continue in this state so I'm getting a lodger to help with bills and to stop me rattling round my house alone. It probably will mean shagathons in the kitchen are out, but other rooms are available and mr shag is free next week... he's mad but very kind so it'll be good to see him.

nora glad you have got beta blockers and sounds like a plan including the shagathon rematch.

Nora not an expert but also wondering if you’ve tried SNRI type AD rather than SSRI. I haven’t, but I hear they are suit many people better.

I couldn’t take 5htp, it made me weepy, very odd.

Re the Grimms, I just think they can huff and puff all they want but the law will have the final say. I appreciate it’s hard to see it that way when you’re stuck in it.

nora I agree with all the others, you need to take care of yourself, whether with different ADs, the shagathon (mad but kind sounds good!), or the swimming.

Do you need to respond every time you see/hear something from the BG? Maybe you could open a new email folder, transfer the stuff there and set yourself eg 30 mins a week to look, and then send it on to the SHL if relevant? There is no law to say you have to get back to them on their terms/timeframe.

Re your mum, will she understand that this may be the last visit? Sorry, I think you said she had dementia, forgive me if I'm wrong.

etc for you.

You are so lovely here

I have to stir my stumps and go to mum’s now to mark the anniversary. I just hope I can cope with her. I do hate this culture we have now.is it post princess diana? All his friends know the date....I was out last night and a couple of my friends thought I was a bit heartless for being okay.

I thank him for everything but honestly I do that every day.

Might have a wee dram myself.

autumn what other people think of how you handle it doesnt matter. It is tough having to support your mum though, especially if you dont handle it the same (had 23 years of that after dad died...)
I guess its just grit your teeth, get through it with mum and then have several large drams?!

I agree you lot are not only lovely but fabulous and keeping me sane
Had call first thing from DF nursing home that he’s deteriorated during night and they were concerned about him
I got there as quickly as I could though DD beat me to it as she lives nearer
DB picked up DM on way
We stayed and while and chatted with nurses who say he’s comfortable so nothing needed and it’s not a hospital situation they are giving him usual meds and fluids just a matter of time
DB and I decided as it could be days rather than hours we’d tag team so I’m going back to do afternoon shift not sure what time till though
I’m having a bit of respite in Costa whilst trying to re jig rest of week work wise
DD managed to fix tv in Dads room so DM has got something to take her mind off things
I left her holding his hand whilst watching homes under the hammer!!!

Thanks yolo

Still sitting here trying to delay

Goodness knows what I will find when I get there.....this sounds so mean but if it helps, it’s also the second day of it because his religion marks the day on a different day. So I am whining about two days, not one.

I also need a lot of brain in for a big project meeting tomorrow. I find it hard to sleep at mum’s but even more so if she has her “my life is over” face on.

X post with Jace

Sorry you are going through this. Glad he is comfortable

Thinking of you all in the thick of it at the moment.
Whatever gets you through...... shopping, meds, Fwb, cats etc....
🌺🌺🌺🌺

Just taken DM home - now stuck in traffic on way to own home
DB on way to see DF in same gridlock
Would go home n have a drink but can’t risk it in case get called during eve or night
I’m not sure why but think it may be days rather than hours
DF still peaceful and being well cared for which is all we can all hope for
I’m at peace as believe it’s probably his time - even though I know I’ll be devastated when the inevitable happens
Hugs to all

Some good advice here, you are a solid bunch. What Autumn said about the ADs was a far better way of describing it than I managed.

On the subject of anniversaries, on the first for DF, I took DM to the garden of remembrance, and we had a meal afterwards and it was all rather nice. The problem for me came when it became clear she expected that to happen each year. And each year more things got added on - planting something, the visit, the meal, shops, etc. All of which I had to be party to as nobody else drives. I think I (stupidly) lasted about 15 years until DB died, and I decided I just wasn't going to do it any more, partly because I didn't want to have to do the same for her to remember him. Now her dementia has really taken over, she doesn't remember the dates etc, so I am free to mark it how I want.

much love jace I hope all is peaceful and easy for him and for you, and that it is quick.

Thinking of youjace 🌺🌺🌺

It's when I see an email or text from one of them that I go into stress mode Can you set up an automatic rule to push the offending emails into a separate folder where you can deal with them in your own time?

jace