The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

[MereDintofPandiculation]

A space for us all to get together for relief from caring, share news, frustrations, problems, or just have a rant. Everyone and everything welcome (though if you have a big problem needing advice, you may want to start a new thread so as to be heard above the noise of the clanking gin bottles and general chatter)

Didn’t upload

Trying again

Shallow is fine!!! Good news re funding!

Does having a waking carer on duty and needing help to have a bath at night and preventing her from wandering qualify? We got higher rate AA because Dad needs turning at night to prevent bedsores. The fact that the carers are awake at night should strengthen your claim - having to be somewhere with an on-duty team is a higher level of need than merely needing someone to sleep in the house. To anyone trying to get AA for the first time, it really is worth enlisting the help of someone who knows the code words. Yes, to getting Age UK to elp with an appeal.

I've been relatively quite because all's well on this front. Dad has been surprisingly coherent the last few visits, although I've discovered that the reason he refers to his house by the name of the house he lived in 20 years ago is not memory, it's deliberate, to disguise his whereabouts from the Russians. Or maybe from the Government.

Eventually

And for the cat lovers

Got the CHC funding letter today and apparently it’s only for 4 weeks before they will review it because it’s end of life!
I’m hoping DF will be lingering (peacefully) at their expense as long as is right for him
Whilst I can’t imagine life without him I know it’s inevitable
I keep toying with do I buy him a birthday present (94 in a few weeks) do I think about Xmas gifts or I am just setting myself up for heartache

DM is now fixated on a missing pair of blue shoes which she thinks are in her attic ( I know they are not!) but means I have to go round and search for them tomorrow after work
What I really want to do is get her to have a good clear out n put DF stuff away so she has more wardrobe space but it’s too far of a step for her to admit he’s never going to wear those clothes again or ever come home

jace that is the sad bit, knowing that someone will never come home, esp for your DM who prob wont admit it. My mum was widowed over 20 years before she died, but it took a long time to get rid of dad's stuff, and she would never ever countenance not living at home again until it was completely out of her hands. Learning to let go of stuff is hard... (says me with a house full of their furniture and bits and bobs!)

Jace, thanks for the cat pic. I'm not likely to see a cat till Thursday!

Re your DF things, I don't think my mum will ever move dad's clothes from their room and I don't mind that.

Re the gifts, can you buy him a gift for no reason? I didn't think my mum would make it till 80 - she's now 81 - but when I thought about it, the thing I wanted to give her for her 80th, I just gave it to her anyway. It was lucky I did because we didn't do her 80th because of the timing with dad dying.

Anyway, I'm glad I gave it to her. I presented it as "here's a gift just because". Made out like I'd just seen it rather than planned it. Maybe take that approach?

So I went to my DM's tonight, and there was no sign of her having had her milk delivered at all. The online account shows that it has been delivered so I need to give them a call tomorrow to see if they can shed some light on it. My money is on DM redirecting it to the NDN. In the meantime, she's had no milk. Something that I put in place to make my life easier is experiencing teething problems!

On the subject of cats, I have been laid low with my lurgy. I was taking myself back to bed the other day when I could hear DH (he of the carrot offering) muttering to himself in the other room as he was getting ready for work. I told him I was going back to bed and his response was 'the cat is in the house' as he left for work. We don't have a bloody cat.

monkey between the cat and the carrot, I'm starting to worry that one of you might be delirious....
But you're feeling better now?

He's always like that Autumn! Most of the time I don't take any notice, but I haven't been able to escape him by going to work while I've been unwell.

We don't have a bloody cat. You may do now. Two of our cats have expressed an intention of living elsewhere. Not, I hasten to add, because we treat them badly, just because their standards are impossibly high. One left in favour of a cellar to himself and a resident cat too timid to defend her own cat food, and the other was lured away by a double bed all to themselves.

Learning to let go of stuff is hard I'm realising that all of the things I treasure (some of which belonged to my grandmothers) soon won't have a home. It's really sad.

We haven't managed to sort my father's house yet. I think he's accepting he won't live in it again, but he's not yet ready to have his stuff cleared to a level where someone else can live in it.

I've been at mum's and have seen zero cats. We're guessing they're all in their homes, looking mournfully at the rain?

How's everyone doing? In the cat stakes, I have one sitting on my desk under the heat of the lamp, one trying to bully the dog and the other one is no doubt asleep somewhere pretending not to be such a fatso...

In the oldie stakes, Nov 1 is anniversary of mum's death. I am happily spending my inheritance on doing very much needed stuff to the house, and also splurging on the odd luxury here and there. She would have been delighted with both, plus giving some to the kids for right to buy ISAs and generally helping them financially while I can. I am at the stage where I can think 'she would have loved xyz', I think I did my anger/grief before she died tbh, but I guess I'm lucky that she wanted to die iykwim?

The next batch of oldies - PIL, 89 and 80 - are coming for Christmas, staying in a b&b down the road, while SIL and her 2 adult DC are staying with us. I would rather it was just us and mum, but OTH no one can accuse me of inhospitality!!

Much love to all

yolo I've got the anniversary of dad's death this week too. You mentioned some plans I think?

Also have a couple of contacts who seem to have competitive grief syndrome....almost that they are annoyed that I'm not in bits a year later. I've been keeping quiet about not wanting to really do any anniversary stuff because I would be thought of as heartless, I expect. I'll be glad when it's over but I suspect mum will be very down till after the anniversary of the funeral. Sadly she seems to be reliving his illness day by day and saying "do you remember, a year ago today, the consultant said this, the nurse said that..." and yes I do remember but I prefer not to dwell. I know she's trying not to and it's bound to come out but sometimes I feel like saying "please can you tell a therapist all this instead of telling me"!

autumn totally get that... I think Nov 1 will be an odd day for me, but I wont be in bits, I'll just raise a toast to mum. DB wants to make a big think about her ashes (which are currently in our hall behind a photo of the DDs) but I dont care, I get the pleasure and the memories from using her stuff, seeing it around the house and knowing that she would know it's appreciated, if that makes sense? I think it makes a big difference that my dad was dead for such a long time, so it's not like I'm grieving for one and looking after the other iyswim? That's a tough situation to be in xx

yolo am I right in thinking your dB wasn't particularly close to your DM?

That's not a criticism btw.

I guess I think it's pretty normal for me to just get on with my life, so it's actually a bit irritating to have friends making a big deal of it.

Very upset today just been to visit DF and he is completely out of it - asleep or ? With eyes open
He is just becoming a shell and a shrunken version of my beloved Dad
I was ok today but now just can’t stop crying
Doesn’t help that I’m going home to an empty house for rest of week as DS is away and don’t want to ring DD and use her as a crutch
DP started new job today so don’t really want to ask for help there so am on MN instead

jace I am so sorry. That’s so sad. Would your dd want you to contact her if you are upset? Would she feel upset if you didn’t?
Any cats around to snuggle?
Sending big hugs.

Jace that time was the hardest for me

Luckily I had some very good advice about talking to him and sometimes the most ordinary chats would spark a witty remark from what had looked like semi consciousness.

He did prefer us to chat to him generally. It did feel a bit forced but then I got some surprising responses.

Hugs to you

Not home yet to cuddle a cat - currently sat in car in Tesco car park trying to summon up wherewithal to drive home
Thank you for listening - it really helps
I took my iPad into nursing home tonight as I’d downloaded some history and travel programmes to watch with DF and talk to him about but he was too far gone - I’m now wondering if drugged up
Just after I sent previous message I got a tiny response and he managed to connect with a kiss but that finished me off n didn’t want him to see me cry so left

Jace I hope you feel ready to go home soon

I found my dad liked being shown pics and things. He preferred puppies to kittens though. Yes, I did tell him he was wrong 😁

Home - have eaten - cat installed - considering doing some knitting
DF loves all animals
If Dcat was more portable I would take them in to visit each other