The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

[MereDintofPandiculation]

A space for us all to get together for relief from caring, share news, frustrations, problems, or just have a rant. Everyone and everything welcome (though if you have a big problem needing advice, you may want to start a new thread so as to be heard above the noise of the clanking gin bottles and general chatter)

I got the SHL today. She says that I am forbidden to give any large "gifts" as an attorney and so unless there is evidence that mums husband bought the property with the written understanding that it was a loan then there's feck all they can do about it. It's 50/50 on sale of all their properties as they are tenants in common. And said if the Grimms continue to bully or harrass me I should talk to a criminal lawyer.
Also said they cannot sell the property without my permission or force me to remove anything.

yay nora your SHL sounds really SH, I hope this gives yuou a boost? xx

Great news nora

Thank God for SHLs! Well done Nora although I suspect that won't be the end of things with BG.

Feeling very low today not a good start to my only day off
DF nursing home rang whilst I was at work on Thursday to say he was quite unwell vomiting and not retaining even fluids and DM was upset
I got there as quickly as I could but she had gone and he was asleep
Not woken since
DM sent me a very sad little message and for once my heart went out to her
I feel guilty that we are not supporting her enough
I cried all the way home from work - got home to find DP at my house complete with huge tool box in my lounge grrrrrrr to tell me he’s out of work
I pulled myself together enough to feed everyone - then hit the gin and went to bed
This morning contacted DB and DM - I don’t want to make it too formal so it becomes a chore but we’ve decided we will each try n take her out for a meal once a week
I’ve enlisted DS next week and DD 2 weeks after as conversation better with 3 as DM can be hard work due to her Alzheimer’s

I’m now soaking in the bath contemplating what to do next

Can’t talk to people in real life about how awful I feel

Sounds hard Jace. Any chance that you can carve out some time today to do something nice for yourself, even if it's just going for a walk (I think the forecast says no rain).

I came down with a lurgy yesterday on my day off. Took to my bed in the afternoon and slept until evening. I could hear the family moving around downstairs and hoped I was going to be brought a hot drink - DH then crept into the bedroom and offered me... a carrot. WTF?

nota does he think you are Rudolph and Christmas has come early?!! Hope you are feeling better x

jace soaking in the bath is a good plan, also carving out some time for yourself, I would recommend more gin and a really good but crap book, pref while wearing headphones so you cant hear anyone else's problems, or the phone.

jace so sorry. Vent away
nota a 🥕???😮😮hope you are feeling better.

Thank you everyone
Ended up calling into work for an hour - going out for coffee with DP and doing a few errands
Left him muttering in the shed! Took myself off for a bit of retail therapy (found a lovely dress in local charity shop) but didn’t lift my mood
Crying in car on way back - wish I knew why it’s always when I’m driving!!!
Now trying to think of something luscious for dinner without huge amounts of cooking

I am just off to take mum to see her DP and have birthday lunch with him. I'm going to collect some more of her clothes and nothing else and avoid (if possible) any contact with the Grimms. My lovely ex is coming with me for moral support. I dont think I'd have got through this weekend without him. Yesterday I was so uptight I called Admiral nurses again. They were brillant and so gentle with me, calmed me down from my tears and suggested I find someone to come along for support, hence ex coming too.

Fingers crossed it will go well. I will ask the nicer wife of the Grimms to get some pics of mum and DP so they have memories of the day too (Admiral suggestion- brilliant- I would not have thought of it).

Good luck today Nora. Maybe gift some laxative chocolates for the BG?

Good luck nora

hope it went ok nora and the BG were notable by their absence

you ok nora? rapidly approaching the first anniv of mum's death, which is odd. but it's ok actually, because she had wanted to die for ages, and if only it could have been quicker/less painful/less distressing then that's what I would hope for for me.

Yolo that makes sense. Are you finding people are making a fuss that you don't want?

I've NC'd since but it's coming up to a year for my dad. I feel terrible because my main concern is how to keep mum a bit less on the subject. It could be a lot worse, but she seems to be reliving every day of the month before he died. Those hospital days were the worst of his life, my life, her life....I try to not to think about it and I'm happy with that but she seems to be remembering it all vividly. That might be what she needs to do but it's exactly what I don't need.

And all my friends have asked re the date. I feel like saying "must we have an official day for feeling even worse?" I can't wait for it to be over though I'm not sure how much better mum will be. She was doing much better than expected till this month. Feels like a big set back.

The BGs were out in force. Mum dissolved into tears as soon as she saw her DP it was a pub sunday lunch. The DP was frail, barely recognised mum but once he did he perked up. The nice wife came over to tell me she was beginning to hate the BGs herself. She was very kind and sweet to mum, but I did not feel able to leave mum there alone with them whilst I drove the 8 miles to the flat they used to share to get her some more persnal bits and clothes. So I did not get to get her any more clothes and certainly did not "take everything of your mums". It was awkward and difficult but mum coped well in the end once she knew that her DP is in a nursing home not at one of the BGs homes.

I discovered that there was a ban on mum visiting mum at DP care home because I called them on the second day of her own entry into care and she had threatened to get a taxi and train and go to him and had to promised I would take her to see him- I called them to say what would happen if I did this and she didnt want to leave... so they slapped a total ban on her ever visiting him! FFS! Anyway I called his care home today and said I will be bringing her once a month and that she will be fine now that she is settled- the response I got "I will tell the manager and someone will get back to you". Nice Grimm wife said she will ensure that this ban gets lifted if I cannot.
Mum was quiet on the way back and seemed sad but resigned and says she loves where she is staying. I came home and wept again. I so do not want antidepressants which is what I will be sent off with if I go to the doctor, but a bit of me thinks I probably need to go see the doc because I know I am spiralling down. Perhaps a few weeks of low drama will help...

nora glad BG wife was nice and completely see why you didn't want to leave your mum.

I am sorry you're feeling so bad. I've been on antidepressants for ages and tbh I'd be out in the wild somewhere, muttering and tearing my hair out without them. That's just me on a normal day!

nora so glad you got through the day. Nice wife sounds a star.
Please let SHL do their stuff now and get yourself to the doc.Anti ds aren't forever, can just help you through short term.
yolo and rose feel for you both. and its hard as the days shorten.
nota and jace how are you doing? not forgetting dint?

Does anyone know much about attendance allowance? Mum has just got her ruling through on the situation when she was living in her flat but as she is now in a care home I thought that she would be eligible for the higher rate. Does having a waking carer on duty and needing help to have a bath at night and preventing her from wandering qualify? She has not actually wandered at night but she has had to have help getting in and out of the bath since moving into the home- is that sufficient or does she need something more significant in terms of care needs (she can get to the loo in the night etc).

www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance/eligibility
Gives the details- is she self funded? Age uk or carers uk are brilliant at writing the right things in the application.

Yes she is self funded. She cannot be left alone without a waking carer, if she were to wander out of her room at night she would take at least 20 mins to settle. But she is in a care home so there is a waking care team so I wondered if that might mean she cannot get the higher rate? I will call Age UK this week and get them to help word an appeal. It would inlcude moving her into a care home because she was unsafe to be alone at night etc...

I’m doing ok thanks
Stressy day at work
DP is doing my head in and tidying my shed which inevitably means short term more mess and stress
However had a surprise letter today that CCG have finally agreed CHC funding!
DF no real change which some days I think is ok
Feel we have a bit of a plan for DM
Shallow I know but I’m cheered by new ring which I collected today and had a pleasant evening with DC eating out and shopping n planning for Xmas

I’m pleased with it - still trying to sort insurance claim for bracelet - sad I know but retail therapy always cheers me