The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

[MereDintofPandiculation]

A space for us all to get together for relief from caring, share news, frustrations, problems, or just have a rant. Everyone and everything welcome (though if you have a big problem needing advice, you may want to start a new thread so as to be heard above the noise of the clanking gin bottles and general chatter)

Ah Nora my heart goes out to you.

Sounds like your mum is blaming you for this because it is easy for her to do. Please think about what poster here have suggested about taking a step back, otherwise it sounds like you are going under with the stress of it all.

Not the same, but I had to take DS back to uni on Monday night in biblical style rain, and I am not a confident driver at the best of times. It was a stressful drive just with the dark and rain and unfamiliar road. The idea of doing it with DM in the car as well... frankly I couldn't do it.

nora Good advice -she can do what she wants, but she cannot make you be part of it.

You're very clearly at the end of your tether and you cannot go on like this, else you won't be able to help anyone let alone your parents.

Do not drive when you're not safe to do so.

I can't remember her financial situation - 60 miles is a long way, but our nursing home will provide a carer (for £15ph if I remember rightly, may be less) to accompany on trips out - I've used it to get Dad to the dentist.

Be very firm in saying no. People will always turn to you as first port of call, but if you are firm in saying "I can't", I've found people are generally sympathetic and will look for alternative solutions.

And remember as you said yourself, she can change from hour to hour. It may all be better today.

Nora sorry to hear you’re having such an awful time
Things more settled here - despite a roller coaster of a day when good changed to bad then back to ok again
DF now back in nursing home n I have Dcat n gin

Also wondering how nora is today

Jace, as ever, thanks for cat pic!

I'm here. I spent this morning trying to find a bed in his care home - none there and they made a request not to bring mum to visit in case she refused to leave.

Then a call to social Services for help who said they might be able to do a care assessment in a month or so. She's low priority because she's self funding- they don't care that I'm not coping and she might be out on her arse if she absconds or gets angry because she thinks we are keeping her from her husband. They won't assess her capacity but they did say I am fine to refuse to take her to him.

I was awake at 5am and took myself off for a swim at 7 to calm down. I discovered that it's possible to cry and swim.

When I got to the care home mum was red eyed with tears and full of remorse. But her story of what happened yesterday didn't match what actually happened. She didn't demand to be taken to see him and I didn't mention it.

The home have said she can stay (thank god) and we talked about some strategies to deal with her demands to call him all the time.
I took mum out for lunch and bumped into my lovely ex who joined us for coffee- it was all very civilised. She returned for a quiz and I left her happy. But they called later to say she was back on her obsession about not knowing where he is and needing to be with him- they managed it and she was calm again.
I'm not going there tomorrow, I'll visit on Sunday to take her to church (I may sit outside with a fag (I don't even smoke) but I hope the church might rally round her and make her feel welcome and offer her a weekly lift there and back so I don't have to do that every week.

So much better than yesterday- but as I am learning, it's a day by day thing at the moment.
I have to get her a phone so she doesn't keep asking to use the office phone. But she's never been able to use a mobile before. I've ordered one that can only dial four numbers, me, her sister, the home and her husband. It has gps so if she does wander We can find her.

I'm shattered again and would love to have someone to share it all with but I got ghosted by my dp so I dumped him. He finally got in touch pleading melancholy and not wanting his low mood to add to my mother angst. I know it's right to end it but I'm feeling doubly whammied and sad tonight. So I took a Valium I found at the back of my drawer and now I just don't care. :(

Oh, and I cleaned my candlesticks! Very zen and satisfying but I could do with something to look forward to.

" I hope the church might rally round her and make her feel welcome and offer her a weekly lift there and back so I don't have to do that every week."

Yes, fingers crossed. From what you say, the home sound good.

I think Valium should be on repeat for those of us with oldies, but ...yes, I can dream.

Just to clarify, I was being ghosted last weekend by dp hence the mad night with the fwb- so it was a dead relationship with the dp but still hurts to make it final.

Fwb sounds more eerh beneficial than your dp anyway .

Perhaps reconsider getting your dm a phone. It will be an open line for her dh and GB to manipulate her and cause a lot of mental disturbance and anxiety for her?

You can buy small gps trackers, including ones for pets to sit on a wrist band. No sure if it is legal?

If church won't take her, talk to the home and see if they will - although she'll have to pay for the carer to accompany her.

Social services should not be refusing to assess just because she's self funding, but I don't know what you can do. Suggest you talk to your GP on your own behalf. Talk to Age Concern, local help line, or see what carer support association you have in the area.

The home won't take her. They won't do drs or dentist appts either, I have to do all those things. But they told me about the volunteer lift thing with church.

There should be other care agencies locally who would do those trips- age uk or others, obviously for a charge. Or taxi firms.
As dint says, try local carers association or gp for information.
Please don’t take it all on.

The home won't take her. They won't do drs or dentist appts either Hmmm. Tough for you, but good to know from my point of view - it suggests Dad's home might actually be quite good.

Would you be able to pay a care agency to take him?

Don't quite a few homes have doctors and dentists in to visit the patient there?

oh nora my heart goes out to you. TBH I agree with her husband's care home - do not bring her in case she refuses to leave. OTH her care home doesnt sound remarkably helpful - any chance you can go in and talk to the manager to explain the situation, just in case there are some crossed lines somewhere?

Def agree with getting onto local agencies, and SS should definitely be doing an assessment whether she is self-funding or not, basically because they need to know for when she no longer can self-fund (and also becaue it will help the home with her care plan).

I am so sorry it is so tough for you, but as others have said: you can't do it all, and at least she is now in a safe place and out of the hands of the Brothers Grimm. It would be a complete cop out on the home's behalf if they were to allow her to just up sticks.

nora I hope you managed to get some downtime, and maybe polish some more candlesticks?

I apologise for the grump - I know people are dealing with much bigger things.

Just wondered - does anyone find doctors are a bit unrealistic about things at the moment? When mum was in her 60s, I had trouble getting doctors to take her seriously with things because they put it down to ageing.

Now she's in her 80s, I find they have no acceptance of things that might be related to ageing! For instance, I know the kidney disease things were reclassified so it now looks as though she has that - she doesn't, they just changed parameters.

I won't bore you with details but after a series of vastly unnecessary tests - she feels fine - they've now come up with something that has made her panic she has a serious illness. I honestly think it's that they scan bloody everything and come up with a drama. It's likely to end up as a very mild COPD. I have asthma and mum has issues with breathing in cold air in winter, always has done.

but we are about to do the rounds of a hospital again and she's terribly stressed. It seems so unnecessary when someone feels fine.

meanwhile, on MN, we've got some people feeling extremely unwell who can't get their GP to order any kind of test for them.

and apologies for Grump #2

this time last year, dad was being taken between London hospitals for tests before he died. He was in pain just lying in a bed. Thank goodness the Extinction Rebellion lot weren't around then because a) he would have been in even more pain with those horrendous traffic delays and b) I might have actually punched a protestor.

I feel so sorry for anyone trying to deal with those hospitals right now. Getting to work is hard enough. Fucking horrendous.

nora how are things?
rose grump away...... this is the place for it! I get what you mean- dm was in a cycle of appointments/ tests etc which did not help..... as you say, very worrying, inconvenient and taking up a lot of time and resources. All the focus was on health but she got much more benefit from going out for coffee!

Has anyone used a Doro dementia phone? I have just taken delivery and I cannot figure out how to input numbers or ICE details, the buttons dont seem to match the manual and I am tearing my hair out!

Mum had a good day today- she took part in everything and only once asked to call her husband and no tears! I am crossing everything that this will continue. I am not visiting today but will go with the phone tomorrow.

I will also make contact with local dementia services for befriending etc to see if we can get her out and about without it always having to be me that takes her.

Sounds positive nora sorry haven’t used that doro one- but did have to phone their helpline after dm had changed something on hers and they were very helpful. Number care.doro.co.uk/contact
Getting others involved is a good plan

nora I'll cross everything that peace continues.

Dad has broken his Doro 6030 clamshell phone. It's now in two bits. He's recharged the keyboard bit, and feels all he needs to do is to use a piece of elastoplast to join the two halves together. This is a man who in an earlier life helped to draw up the IEE wiring regs (not the "Part P" that causes us all so many problems, an earlier manifestation).

On the plus side he says three good things have happened today - his friend visited, I visited, and the cook produced jam sandwiches for tea. I've relayed this to the cook. She's really happy.

Another confession - when I’m stressed or depressed I engage in retail therapy!
DF recent hospitalisation has resulted in s new watch, ring and bracelet plus 4 knitwear items!
In my defence I did lose a bracelet on holiday recently and am claiming on my insurance

Just for you #AutumnRose1