The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

[MereDintofPandiculation]

A space for us all to get together for relief from caring, share news, frustrations, problems, or just have a rant. Everyone and everything welcome (though if you have a big problem needing advice, you may want to start a new thread so as to be heard above the noise of the clanking gin bottles and general chatter)

nora today is the start of better things, for your mum and for you. It will be difficult to start with - change etc - but once she's settled I'm sure you will as if you are in clearer water.

jace hope things are as ok as poss.

sandwich - I'm not sure really! I want them to take responsibility for many many cock ups I think, admit them and put plans in place so they dont happen again. Not much then...

Oh nora your post resonates so much

Big hugs to you.

vera yes, I think "for now" gets a lot of people through. someone posted the other day saying their elder had gone into a home for "respite" and their short term memory was such that over a year later they still thought they were having a couple of week's respite care.

nora I suggest, if you aren't already, start keeping a diary of everything that happens, who you spoke to and what they said. You think you have it clear in your head, but a couple of days later it all disappears. It also helps for when your filling in attendance allowance forms, to remind yourself about what happened when, and talking to medical staff.

I also find it useful to keep a jobs list - eg "attendance allowance - download form, complete, collect evidence; arrange chiropodist; buy more pants; take in flowers; take in spare glasses" - ie everything on there, big and small, and broken down into steps. Then you can see what is the most urgent today and get it done, and the things that you don't do today don't get lost.

At first there will be so many things to sort out, but it will calm down.

I think DF is slightly better - no decisions made yet but they are willing to carry on treatment for now - review again tomorrow
I’m up at hospital again been here since 8 waiting to see Dr
Physio been
I’m getting frustrated at lack of attention to simple stuff like I have to remind them to give NSG feeds and water flushes - he’s now at least 4 hours behind on feed regime

jace big hugs to you and your DF and family (I know, complete random internet stranger!)

nora how's it gone today? hope you and mum are doing ok

It was hard today, but when we got there mum loved it... so far so good. But that could change tomorrow when she doesn't remember where she is or why.

I need to go back to her place to get more clothes. But that can wait a week or so.

nora 🍷🍷🍷that’s great that you managed it. Now breathe.
jace thinking of you.

Day got worse not DF but hospital incompetence in general - then they started lying to try and cover up - eg what time did you take his feed down? Told x time at which point I pointed out that blatantly wasn’t true as I was there an hour before that etc
Basically poor DF had no fluid, feed or meds today for at least 8 hours despite me nagging - them promising etc
I have documented as a concern - asked for print outs from their system by tomorrow and will then decide whether to complain again
Might even point out where they did not ‘learn the lessons’ that they promised after my last upheld complaint 9 months ago when they nearly killed him

nora that's as good as it gets for today. Tomorrow, as Scarlett O'Hara once said, is another day. Time for another shagfest? Whatever gets you through the night!

The only reason he’s there is that they will not allow IV in nursing home - at least in nursing home he receives much better nursing care - hope I can get him back there soon

Thank you for hugs n general tlc - tonight I also have DS Dcat tequila and catch up tv!

jace you have done as much as you can today - enjoy ds, dcat and dtequila!

Got my print out - but it’s not good for evidence as there are entries that are incorrect eg drugs shown as given when they weren’t
Today’s staff blame yesterday’s agency staff who don’t understand the system
On a happier note DF is hopefully being discharged back to nursing home tomorrow 😊

Jace oh that's good he can leave hospital

nora hope you're all right today.

It's all gone tits up. Mum tried leave declaring she was going to see her dp. The home called me, I spoke to her but before I did I could hear her saying she was going to crack someone's head. She's demanding to be taken to him and be with him. I'll have to take her to see him tomorrow but I can't see me getting her back here.
I called the nursing home he is in (60miles away) they said they'd try to see if she can stay there till he passes away but it depends if they've got beds. I've got to call in the morning.
She was vile tonight accusing me of not telling her anything, threatening to call a taxi to where he is. I've got to go over tomorrow and take her back up to where I've just brought her from. I'm exhausted, I'm sick of it all, I'm running out of compassion and feel like telling her to sort her own fecking care. I know I can't but my home is a mess, I've not cleaned in weeks, I've no energy because I can't eat, I'm starting to really hate her and hate him more for calling her and turning on the tears- it's how he always manipulates her. I know I shouldn't feel like this but right now I can't see anything but years of this shit and I don't want to deal with it. She never looked after me when I was a child but declares herself to have been the perfect mother and I've efuckingnough. The driving up and down is hideous, I can't drive in the dark and if I take her tomorrow I know she'll refuse to leave. What the fuck can I do?
Social workers will tell me I have to do what she wants because she has capacity. I'm descending into the depths of darkness. I hate her, I hate my life, I hate him and his bastards sons.

Nora - you could just not go tomorrow?

nora honestly, if they're saying she has capacity I'd leave her to it.

That sounds awful but really, what else can be done? If she's got the money for a taxi to go, she can go, IMHO.

You say "I know I shouldn't feel like this"

For what it's worth, I can't imagine someone feeling any other way!

X post with Forty Six

Don't make yourself more ill driving there tomorrow.

nora I am so sorry. You must protect yourself.
Sounds like you need some time out. Please take a break.

The home she's in won't keep her if she goes wandering- it's not a locked facility. I'll get the police or social services calling me if I don't go because she'll abscond. I'm fucked every way. There is no break.

nora long time lurker here. I'm so sorry for you.

She has 'capacity', but no one says that you are bound to enable her. Is it possible you can let go a little and tell her that if this is what she wants, so be it. But it won't be with your help?

In my experience one of the toughest parts of being there for your parents, is when they quite obviously make horrid decisions, but has the 'capacity' to hold on to those hook, line and sinker.

You are not compelled to enable her, try take a step back. As with children sometimes elderly unfortunately have to suffer the consequences of their actions/choices. As it is now you suffer the most trying to do right. You cannot win this, let her get on with it a while.

Hope it is OK I'm saying this, sending you strength and patience by the bucket.

@madambee I hadn't thought of it in that way. I could go over to where she is with her (my) bags pack them and then get her a taxi to where he is and then send her off. I'm going to call where he is and see if they have a bed for her and if they have I'll send her in a cab. The idea of that drive again tomorrow fills me with horror because I'm so uptight, I know I'll drive badly and we'll row on the way and then we'll both be in danger.

I'm going to bed now. I need sleep. I'll see how it looks in the morning.

nora hope you get some sleep. Really, don't get in the car tomorrow. You need time off from this.

Also, I think your mum might behave differently if she's just allowed to crack on. Either way, I read your posts as "there's no point more people suffering" if you know what I mean.

@flamingnoravera
Also try talking to the carers in the home, they are often very good at reasoning with the unreasonable.

In my experience, the closer you are, the less the elderly listen/respect your opinion.

Sorry to say but male carers often get through where you can't. (Unfair, I know).

Good luck nora brilliant advice from pp.