The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

[MereDintofPandiculation]

... for anyone caring for elderly parents. Come and join us to ask for, or to give, sympathy, ask for advice, or have a good rant.

rosa My mother is a master manipulator. Unfortunately she has Parkinsons so can't leave her completely however much I want to. I do take breaks occasionally, me and my brother take turns. He's on holiday so I think she has stepped up the demands due to that.

She has a gardener, for some reason she doesn't ask him to do extras like tidy up the borders. I've told her ds will do it this once but then she needs to get the gardener to do it.

She also has a cleaner who usually puts the bins out, she didn't come today don't know why. Her carers could put the bins out but she didn't ask them.

The bulb was for the bathroom, its an odd light fitting which I didn't feel confident taking down so dh needed to do it and he's only here on weekends, she rang Sunday afternoon. She knows he's only here weekends. In the week it was flashing but by the weekend it had failed.

She could still have plenty of light to see in the bathroom though from the hallway, she never closes the door.

The relentless demands are getting to me, this had gone on for months, she only speaks to me when she wants something doing. I've stopped talking to her about my life and goings on, she uses the information against me.

She does have mh issues, been signed off psychiatrist and all meds, she now has low level anxiety not helped by the PD.

I just find her exhausting. As soon as I sort one thing there's no break she's straight onto nagging about something else.

Jelly Have you told her to ask the gardener, or ask the carer? Sometimes it needs spelling out. You think that a grown adult would be able to solve the problem by asking someone else, but I find sometimes I have to actually tell my Dad who to ask about something.

Do you see her regularly? If it's not life-threatening, be firm, say, "It'll have to wait till I see you on Thursday. Meanwhile - can you leave the bathroom door open and have the light from the landing?" ... for example. (Maybe not the best example ... you don't want her putting a table lamp in there on an extension lead.) Give the message that she can ask you to do jobs, but it may mean she waits a week or even a month, and it would be actually much quicker if she were just to ask the people around her.

Is she ringing your landline or your mobile? If the landline, can you just let her go to answerphone? If it sounds life threatening, you can interrupt her message and pick up, otherwise you phone back at your convenience. And switch the bell off if you're going to have some relaxing time - you can't relax if you're listening to a phone ringing and wondering whether to answer it.

It's difficult to do, but you have to cut yourself off emotionally, treat her as a problem to be solved, not as a person. Get away from the inner voices saying "but she's my mother" "but she's got Parkinsons".

Don't be to quick to condemn - consider the possibility that she actually does want your attention, but doesn't want to ask for it, and so is seizing on minor jobs as a "legitimate" reason to call you or ask you to visit. It feels like she only wants you as an odd-job person, but it may be the exact opposite - she's using you as an odd job person to get some time with her daughter. Or, of course, she may simply want you as an odd job person!

Above all, don't feel guilty. You can't look after her if you're exhausted, and you can't look after her if you're resenting every moment with her. So dealing with her at a level you can manage is to her benefit too.

Good advice from Dint there Jelly.

Your DM sounds similar to mine, down to the fiddly bathroom light. I have got her a gardener, but she tells him to leave some of the things for me to do. Go figure.

My DM has taken to standing 2 inches away from me when I am doing things so that she can supervise/criticise. Sunday I was clearing out her fridge to put the shopping away that I had bought and she was cross examining me on why I was being so wasteful as to throw corned beef away that was 2 week's past it's sell by date (and was dry and curly). Because I am so wasteful that's why.

Great advicedint
And nota I hear you!!! Sprouting potatoes with2” growth anyone?

My DM has taken to standing 2 inches away from me when I am doing things so that she can supervise/criticise It's so difficult when you lose capacity and have to get other people to do jobs you'd have done yourself, and they don't do them in the way you'd have done them. I hate it when DH takes over the cooking when I've been delayed, and he doesn't cook in the same way as I do.

Sprouting potatoes with2” growth anyone? Yep! Not ideal, because you're losing "potato" into sprouts that have to be cut off, but better than throwing the whole lot away.

Corned beef past its sell-by date is another matter .. but even so, she might get away with it. And dry and curled up can be cured by cooking it, so by itself isn't a reason to throw away.

Before anyone gets the wrong idea, I do normally eat everything at its peak. I guess it's having been brought up by a mother who lived through the war, I have a bit of a thing about wasting food.

hello all, sounds like the usual 7th level of hell going on with your oldies... my sympathies.

DM solicitor has fucked up YET again. All excited last week, as probate came through. Except it turns out they spelt her street name wrong, and the postcode is wrong. Ha bloody ha. Obvs buyers solicitors have said not to proceed until document is correct. Fuckweasel solicitor is on hols yet again (I make that the 6th this year?). DB has put a bomb under someone and we are awaiting further updates... It is very stressful, I just want it done and dealt with.

These stories of people criticising when you’re helping are just mad
I’ve friends help when I’ve been injured and couldn’t care less how things are done. The point is that someone is helping you.

Yolo, sorry to hear that. I must admit I don’t know what a probate document looks like. I hope it doesn’t take forever to sort?

I get you dint!
yolo how crap is that????
Cockroach!!!

I have my 84 year old mil staying. Today we had a 40 minute conversation about Tesco club card points. As you were

Gahhh! Fucking HSBC cannot get their systems to understand LPA, my mum pays for Premium Banking and they cannot organise a bank heist in a banking hall.
Anyone else find dealing with HSBC and LPA difficult?

In other news, Dr finally gave me a diagnosis today vascular with Alzheimer's dementia and capacity is not consistent. She said I should find a resi home and get my mum in ASAP as living with her husband is adding to her stress. So there I have it- it's time to move her closer to me and leave husband's family to sort their own care out.

Tomorrow I'm calling solicitors about the money stuff and will decide if all future contact with his family should be via solicitor.

My weight has dipped under 8 stone for the first time in years, the stress diet in action.

Sending hopeful thoughts for all out there dealing with elderly parents, their illnesses and trying to manage their finances. 😁

nora so sorry about all the aggro. Hoe having the gps view helps.
And please look after yourself! You can’t run on empty.

nora that actually sounds very helpful from the GP, how are you feeling about it?

cockroach everyone

Nora sounds like progress of sorts for you.

I had the same problem with Barclays and DM's LPA, so HSBC are not alone on that front. I managed to find a helpful person on the phone, but had to do all the paperwork at the high street bank. I seem to remember it took 4 or 5 visits to actually sort it as the people I saw each time didn't know what to do with me.

HSBC took ages and multiple visits before sorting the LPA but once it had been done there haven't been any more problems - apart from their unnecessarily complex internet banking

Banks and building societies seeem to be getting better with LPAs - I'm no longer the first person with an LPA that the branch has had to deal with. There are two problems I encountered:

One Building Soc demanded that my father come in and sign to open a new account, despite the fact that the LPA stated clearly it could be used while he still had capacity. I wasn't prepared to lie about his capacity, but got round it by writing to explain that, although he had capacity, decision making caused him stress, and could not be done in a practicable timescale.

Secondly, getting correspondence to my address has been hard - several institutions. They say they'll do it, then Head Office automated systems send it to my father, who opens it and worries about it for three weeks before passing it to me and explaining how the institution in question will have him in prison and me bankrupt. I've always managed to resolve it after one instance, but it should have worked first time.

I haven’t actually had to use the LPA for mum. She’s already said she reckons it will be unhelpful and be challenged all the time. She almost didn’t want to do it for that reason.

A friend of mine actually had her mother’s money transferred to her, not sure if the details, because she said it was easier.

How do online systems manage LPA?

gannycake the HSBC online banking has so far caused me untold hours of shouting at screens, holding on the phone, visits to a branch and I'm on my third passcode but still not into the system.

flamingnoravera It's an appalling system. I have four other online accounts and they are all simple to manage but the HSBC system drives me to the gin bottle! I'm not IT illiterate - I used to teach IT but I really can't understand why it has to be so complex. I mostly use the app for my MIL now and that's not too bad but God forbid I need to set up a new standing order/payee/etc as then I have to do that on the main desktop screen and we are once again back to helpdesks etc. Rant over - breathe. If I could face the hassle again with LPA I would move everything from HSBC to another bank (and I may still do that)

I have join access to my mum's bank account with her. It means that I set up DD payments for stuff like utilities, as she would forget to pay the bills otherwise. As well as being able to make direct payments to the gardener, etc from her account.

She uses her bank card (when she remembers the pin) if DB takes her shopping. If she doesn't remember the pin then DB lets me know what he paid out and I reimburse him from her account. It is so much easier.

I agree that the access does make everything easier. When I took it over I was appalled to realise that her state pension and disability living allowance were being paid into her PO account. She hadn't accessed this money for years and she had £46,000.00 in there. All the time she was saying she had no money and couldn't afford the basics - we paid for the cleaner and the carers! It's so easy for them to lose track of the day to day things and I don't think she truly believes that she had all this money even now

I have third party access to mum's main bank account

I've not set anything up yet but I've paid for things and withdrawn cash without any issues.

I found a lovely care home for mum near me today. I want her here and safe. I called her and suggested a month's respite, she said she'd love it. Then things went bad as she realised it was just for her. She said she couldn't leave Her husband for a month and we were locked in a conversation of repeating assurances and worries for 45 minutes.

I came off the phone trembling and shaking and discovered Admiral Nurses- what a wonderful service. The person I spoke to helped me compose a text to the brothers Grimm to tell them I want to bring mum here and then helped me fill in the attendance allowance form. If she'd been here in person I'd have kissed her.

Now it's just the reaction of the Grimm bros to deal with when they read my text and realise they have to make arrangements for their dad. Watch this space 😬

Oh, I just want to tell the Brothers Grimm “talk to the hand” on your behalf!