The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

[MereDintofPandiculation]

... for anyone caring for elderly parents. Come and join us to ask for, or to give, sympathy, ask for advice, or have a good rant.

Brothers Grimm can have all the opinions they like, but it doesn’t matter.

I think a home sounds the best option.

I'm going to call the doctor in the morning, ask him to do a home visit and assess how much capacity mum has to decide where she is safest. He has been brilliant so far.

I feel for you Nora, this may not be a crisis of epic proportions, but it is a crisis. Hopefully your GP will be able to help - if your DM is anything like mine she will listen to someone in authority over me, so if the conclusion the GP comes to is resi car...

Keeping all the plates spinning is exhausting. Plus having a job of work to do etc.

Cockroach all.

Any news on your DH Yolo?

You're right, Nora, a tracking device will only work if there's someone local to respond to it.

SS emergency alarm - in my experience, they use this to alert family to do the dealing. But worth asking. If it's only an occasional wandering they may be OK to deal with it.

Can the house be made so they can't get out? Would have to balance this against the risk of fire. Ideal would be locked front door and secure garden.

You can get alarms that play a recorded message - would she stay at home if told to by a disembodied voice? Probably not.

Contacting Social Services may stimulate them to saying it's time for a home, and that may be more palatable than you making the decision.

thanks for asking nota. Its all as good as it could be, cancer free according to surgeon this morning, more bloods done for cancer markers today but would be very unlucky if any shows up. I remembered (or had previously not chosen to say) that my maternal uncle died of bowel cancer, so we are being referred to a genetics clinic which hopefully means the DDs will get tested earlier. its weird though, having the sword of damocles removed is not as ecstatic a feeling as you would have thought? too much of a 14 months I guess...

nora I think you've got to get SS involved, you really cant (or be expected to) handle all this from 2 hours away xx

I appear to have lost the ability to use capitals with any kind of consistency - sorry! and cockroach everyone

yolo good to hear so far- you must all be absolutely wrung out by it all.
nora hope you find gp useful.
nota how’s things?
Here dm is struggling with breathlessness- gp has visited( excellent) but dm won’t increase meds and seems to take more notice of her lovely cleaners medical advice than gp........l makes it v hard to get her out at all which makes her more miserable.....

Well hopefully this will make you all laugh. DM said that DB had asked her to move down near him. She said to me that she wouldn't want to be a burden on him, she'd much prefer being a burden on me.

We are still looking at where to move to, the problem being that I reckon I need to be within an hour's drive of DM, but we just can't afford anywhere decent in that area. So now looking further afield, which will mean more like 1.5 hours of driving each way, at least one day a week. The care agency I wanted to move her care to appears to be somewhat flaky as they haven't returned my calls.

I am having to book time off work to try and deal with at least some of these things as I seem to be utterly exhausted these days and am in bed by 9pm most nights (I have booked a GP appointment for myself as I know that's not right).

Sigh. Cockroaches all.

🌺🌺🌺nota sounds really tough. Glad you are seeing gp. You must be exhausted.

nota good grief. Can your DB encourage her to move nearer to him?

also, whatever the GP says, can you tell your mum you are very ill and she should move to DB?!

sandwich sorry to hear that. I suppose it's the "detach" thing.

my mum is feeling much better but I am still wondering when the next problem is. Well, I don't sit around wondering, but it's hard to remove it from the back of your mind.

Social services are not interested, they say as she's self funding it's down to me to sort out supervision. I spoke to the occ therapist yesterday she said that the place where mum got lost is a difficult place to navigate and that this incident shouldn't be taken as an immediate prompt for resi care.

I'm going to visit on Saturday with brothers Grimm and my aunt - a big conversation with them all is to happen.

Brothers Grimm took the car away (without telling me) on Monday apparently their dad paid for it but mum was registered keeper- so I've cancelled the insurance today and not told them. I'll tell them to get mum off the V5 on Saturday.

jesus nora they sound like absolute shits, I hope the aunt is kick ass? and as for SS, self-funding shouldnt make a difference if she needs assessement for care. angry on your behalf.

nota I am so sorry but her preferring to be a burden to you rather than your DB bought a wry smile to my face... my DM was pretty much the same as "daughters understand better". of course, this left the coast clear for DB and DSIL to ride in like knights on white chargers. big hug for you, and hope the gp has some ideas for how to help you.

how did the meeting go nora?

The meeting was awful. My mum was reduced to tears asking why they were picking apart her marriage and asking her to account for every penny spent- my aunt stormed out calling them "cold heartless money minded bastards", I sat and mostly said - "I will seek advice and get back to you". These men have gone through their dad's Nancy accounts since 2001 when mum n him married and have identified every payment he's ever made for anything for the house or them as a couple and are looking for evidence that mum paid half or want it now to make things "fair", it is gobsmackigly crass.
Only at the end a tortuous hour of financial forensics did they turn to the topic of care for their dad and my mum. And their dad was part of it- he didn't support my mum, he sat there saying "I've paid for everything". I ducking hate them all. I hope his demise is swift and miserable. I'm heartbroken for my mother who thought she was in a happy marriage only to finally discover what my aunt and I have know since the start- that he is a nasty cunt.
Back to the solicitor tomorrow I think.

Bank accounts not Nancy accounts!

That's unbelievably crass behaviour. So glad your Mum has you on her side.

Since when has a marriage been about equal financial contribution on both sides? Devastating for you Mum to find she hasn't actually had a marriage with this man, that's almost worse than the material side, finding that you have to overturn your reality, that things you thought happened all these years had in fact a completely different interpretation.

Yes, definitely back to solicitor.

What she'd be entitled to in the event of a divorce might be a useful starting point.

Christ that's awful Nora. Did you say that your mum had been his carer until recently?

I have no clue as to what the legalities are around marriage and finances, but I am pretty sure that they are on dodgy ground there - is her husband now seeking a divorce? I seem to remember you saying your DM has a decent pension - presume that if that goes to paying for her care in the near future her husband won't be able to claim half? Are your mum and he still living together currently? Personally I would have to say that any future communications on the matter needs to go through a solicitor.

What happened to the nicer of the two brothers?

They are not divorcing, this is all happening because her husband is dying, has mismanaged his money for years and now handed it all to his son to sort out and he is turning to my mum to "make things equal" (sons words). It is beyond crass.

Grabby bastards.

So sorry nora 🌺

Nora it sounds as if the son is handling it all as if they are actually getting divorced?

So I’m now wondering if it’s better to just ask the husband if that’s how everyone should proceed?

It exactly what I thought yesterday when I came away from the meeting. But they are not divorcing, and I don't want them to divorce because my mum could lose her pensions and savings if they did. But yes, his attitude was as if they had had some kind of pre-nup in place (they didn't) and were legally separating.
The prognosis for her husband is 4-6 months possibly longer. Mum's is 4-15 years.
Mum is now at the point where she has said she'd consider residential apart from husband if it were near me and was good enough to feel like she could have a good quality of life. At least, that's what she says today, but there is one thing for sure, she remembers it and that is very unusual so it went very deep yesterday.

nora does your mum have enough things in her name only?

There’s an argument for moving forward as she wishes and let them try whatever they fancy. I have a feeling there’s a lot of hot air here.

I’m sorry you and your mum are going through this.

Does anyone else get demanding phone calls?

Yesterday it was for us to go there to change a lightbulb, fair enough but it had to be done that afternoon.

My dh works away during the week, our weekends are very precious. She rang during the rugby as well, she knew she'd interrupted and took ages to get off the phone.

This morning she rang my son to remind him he'd agreed to do some gardening for her, fair enough he can forget but we had reminded him.

No sooner had he arrived home after doing the gardens for her and she rang me this afternoon to say she needed her bins to be put out.

I flipped then. She's quite happy for us to be run ragged doing things for her. She only speaks to me to ask me to do something or remind me I've agreed to do something.

It's starting to get to me how demanding she is becoming. Not only to do things but in her timescale.

I can't take on her mental load as well, we're in the middle of selling up and have enough going in atm.

Jelly I’m afraid that rings warning bells of manipulation to me. Unless there’s any other factors at play? But I can’t see why a light bulb needs replacing immediately. I think gardening is a luxury tbh, she should pay someone to do that.

Bulb and bins immediately makes me think, can a neighbour help out?

Of course you can’t manage constant demands, nor should you have to.