The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

[MereDintofPandiculation]

... for anyone caring for elderly parents. Come and join us to ask for, or to give, sympathy, ask for advice, or have a good rant.

I think I need a solicitor- but I'm nervous of spending her money on legal advice. Legal advice will be cheaper in the long run.

the nastier of the two sons will use his LPA to get access to my mums bank account You can get the LPA revoked by a Deed of revocation, then you'd need to set up a new LPA with just you. But it might be worth asking the Office of Public Guardian for advice - they'll take very seriously any possible misappropriation of funds - the son would be in trouble if he used mother's funds for anything that didn't benefit her. But don't rely on sorting it out after it's happened, seek advice now. www.gov.uk/report-concern-about-attorney-deputy

That sounds like a really tough situation nora, which even though it is desperately complicated now, would only be made worse if you were trying to resolve it after one of them had passed. What on earth are they demanding £70k for? I definitely agree on lawyering up though, as lines need to be straightened re their finances.

They want £70k (plus £50k and a further £2900) as my mum's contribution to the home they just bought- for some reason he paid 100% of the purchase price. However- I have not had any evidence that the property is even in her name so he can sing for this until I see evidence of the ownership. She doesnt have a spare £70k sitting around but the sale of thier old property would release this kind of cash and I would be ok about paying 50% at that time.

The rest of the money is one of them forensically going through bank statements back in 2015 and has seen a transaction for £50k and £2900 to my mums accounts and wants me to account for these. In fact the 50K was paid out to the other son because he was out of work and needed to pay his mortgage and his dad wanted to do it without the other one knowing. The £2.9k is for a holiday that mum paid for in full. What gets me is how he dares to start demanding this kind of information when at that time both of the couple had full mental capacity and could do whatever they want with their money- frankly it is none of his business.
I am just about to call a solicitor who deals with elderly abuse and protection of assets.
I will add that I spoke to the more reasonable one this morning who is also horrified about what his brother is doing and says he will support me to stop this kind of interrogation. He recognises that mum has looked after their dad (he was diagnosed with epilepsy within 6 months of their marriage and has been incontent and nearly immobile for nearly 10 years) for 20 years and has nursed him, dealt with hospital admissions and chauffered him around for 20 years- I feel like drafting an invoice at £20 per hour for the 24 hour care she has provided for their dad and hitting him with that to show how little he understands about what my mother has contributed.

Hi All, I dont want to hijack the thread but thought I would update. I spoke to a solicitor who said best thing is to get mums permission to tell Brother Grimm1 what happened to the money and let them fight it out between themselves and if he threatens or makes any moves to register LPA on her bank account to notify the OPG because the account has clearly been in joint names in name only.
Just got the £70k to deal with now and the solicitor says to stall until I have seen evidence that the place is in her name as tenants in common and that the sale of the other place should be treated as a simple transaction with no additions of he paid for this bit of decorating etc added in to boost the return for him.

I did the calculation of how much my mum has saved them in carers fees over the years looking after their dad. £1.9 million! I will use that figure if I need to.

So stress levels are back to normal- stressed but not feeling sick to my stomach like I was on Sunday night.

Thanks for all your good advice- the solicitor did not charge for her time (half an hour on the phone) which was really good too.

Not hijacking at all Nora. The brother sounds like a CF, and I would certainly struggle to deal with his assertions.

Glad things are getting less stressy for you.

Just got the £70k to deal with now and the solicitor says to stall until I have seen evidence that the place is in her name as tenants in common Ah, interesting! Isn't "tenants in common" the one where you each have a defined share of the property? I'd worked out that he couldn't possibly claim £70k if her name wasn't on the deeds. But of course "joint tenants", the usual way of a couple buying, means that you don't have defined shares of the property, or any presumption of equal input into the purchase, so it's logical that they can't demand money if it's "joint tenants", only if its "tenants in common".

Hope things are oknora no wisdom to add but sounds tough.
How is everyone? Keeping on keeping on here....
yolo how’s things? And your df dint ?
cockroach all..

Things seem to have calmed since son who got the £50k said he'd call to tell his brother about the payment. We are all meeting next Saturday - I'm taking my aunt for support. I'm also going to visit a residential home to view for my mum- it's my first viewing.

It's been a lovely weekend of no mum worries and I've a new job to start tomorrow - I need to get myself in work headspace now.

nora hopefully that's the start of better things. Good luck with the new job!

Sounds good nora good luck tomorrow!

Good luck Nora!

sandwich Not much to report on the df front. DS visited Sunday, so I'm having a blissful break.

good luck nora hope it is all onwards and upwards now.
good for the break dint and thanks for asking sandwich.
I am kind of having a break from real life at the moment, not doing anything I dont have to do, and trying to sort out the chaos laughingly described as my house. Bloody hoarders the lot of them!
Finaly got probate on mum's house, so am hoping to be a woman of means fairly soon (not for long as this house needs dire amounts of work, but should put us in a better position should we decide to sell). Seeing DH surgeon tomorrow so hopefully that will all be good although he is still uncomfortable and get s very tired.

I started the new job and at 11 got a call from the police to say mum had got lost in the village and had to be taken home. This is the first instance of her getting lost, but I'm now scared that she can't be safely looked after at home (2x care visits per day morning and evening) as she may wander and get lost. I'm moving closer to having to persuade her that residential is the only way to keep her safe. How do we decide it's time? I'm nearly two hours away from her, I can't keep her safe from here.

oh shit nora I am so sorry to hear this... do you have people near by who could help? could you talk to the care agency asap? I really dont know what to suggest but am sure someone will be along soon with some good ideas. In the meantime, deep breaths and

Oh nora I’m so sorry. Could age uk offer any advice or support? Or local social services? Does she have a tracker thing? Unforgettable do lots of products that help dementia sufferers.
Sending 🌺🌺🌺🍷🍷🍷

yolo I'm not sure what the carers can do, they come in and do their stuff but then they leave and she gets a bee in her bonnet about something and takes herself off to sort out a fictional problem. Her husband sleeps 18 hours a day and can't stop her. My aunt lives nearby but she's coping with end of life care for her own husband so asking her is unfair. I feel caught betwixt a rock and a hard place.

yolo I'm not sure what the carers can do, they come in and do their stuff but then they leave and she gets a bee in her bonnet about something and takes herself off to sort out a fictional problem. Her husband sleeps 18 hours a day and can't stop her. My aunt lives nearby but she's coping with end of life care for her own husband so asking her is unfair. I feel caught betwixt a rock and a hard place.

yolo I'm not sure what the carers can do, they come in and do their stuff but then they leave and she gets a bee in her bonnet about something and takes herself off to sort out a fictional problem. Her husband sleeps 18 hours a day and can't stop her. My aunt lives nearby but she's coping with end of life care for her own husband so asking her is unfair. I feel caught betwixt a rock and a hard place.

Bloody site is mad today! Sorry about the multiple posts.

I have talked to Age Uk but I get leaflets and more leaflets and I have no time to be able to set up the stuff they suggest because I have to keep my home going here. I bought her a bracelet with her details on and put it somewhere while I was on holiday and promptly lost it - I will get a new one made up. But I am not sure a tracking device will help when I am two hours away. I just feel so overwhelmed by it all, a bit of me wishes for a real crisis that would force a decision but I feel guilty when I even allow this thought to cross my mind.

nora I feel for you. could you make a crisis call to her local social services first thing tomorrow and explain the situation? fact is, you are 2 hours away so with the best will in the world you arent able to provide on the spot support. Are the carers private? if so, if she can afford it you could up their hours.. otherwise I guess its get on the phone to ss, the gp etc and demand some action. I am so sorry, this must be so stressful for you.

The carers are private- but I am not sure what upping their hours would do- they would have nothing to do but "supervise" and she would get really angry about that.

The befriending service that Age UK have sounds great but I have no time to start it up despite having been sent information- to get it going or explain to mum what its about- she was told about it when the Age UK woman came to visit but has forgotten and it relies on me making all the contacts and I am at work and cannot do this in daytime hours. This is why I think that resi care is the best option.

After I told the Brothers Grimm about the situation today one of them agreed that resi care is looks essential, the other told me not to "Get excited" because his dad will be going to a hospice for his resi care. I am not excited I am at the end of my rope and desperate to get a safe place for her. But I feel like decisions for my mum are all dependent on their dad's care not on what she needs. Brother 2 has a partner who is a nurse and she cals the "I am a nurse I know best" card and I feel powerless to advocate for my mum properly.

I can have quite lucid and sensible conversations with mum in the moment but they are forgotten immediately and she keeps requesting I repeat the whole convo to her husband who cannot hear me and cannot or will not grasp that mums needs need to be addressed because she has been the carer for nearly 20 years.

hmm. I dont think the brothers Grimm, or indeed her husband, have much to do with what needs to happen at this stage. I know its late, but our local ss has an emergency line for out of hours - what if you called them and said its an emergency, that you can no longer be sure your DM is safe, you are 2 hours away and have a full time job?

nora great advice from yolo to contact social services. You can’t do this from 2 hours away.