The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

[MereDintofPandiculation]

... for anyone caring for elderly parents. Come and join us to ask for, or to give, sympathy, ask for advice, or have a good rant.

We got to the bottom of why mum is so confused (on top of her memory loss)- she's had a UTI for over a week. You'd think the paramedics who attended for two hours last week might of got her to piss in a pot, or the carers who go in daily for her husband and her might have thought to suggest it- but no, I had to phone to get a dr to call round and after one dose of antibiotics she is loads better- she was suicidal yesterday. I was seeking residential care- today she is planning shopping.

Flaming glad that she is better. Hope she can go and enjoy some shopping!

I mentioned earlier about mum having low blood pressure periodically. This week she didn't have much to do and I missed my midweek visit for reasons I won't bore you all with.

my sister was there for dinner last night. The change in talking to mum this morning was massive. I wonder how much of this is psychological.

I had been quite casual about leaving a week between visits but I won't be so ready to do it again. I have a feeling it makes a massive difference to her. It depends partly what her friends are up to but two of her friends were poorly this week so things got cancelled.

flaming glad your dm is improving.
rosa - get what you are saying, but can it be other than you? Can other people visit so you can choose and set boundaries? How much are you prepared to do?
And yolo how are things?
cockroaches to everyone, dint , monica and all.

sandwich sorry, I was just waffling on there

No, I mean I was thinking it really does make a big difference to her having more visits. There isn’t anyone else who can brighten her up as much as me or sis. So although it can feel like a chore, I’ve got to remember that really.

I have depression and anxiety, and sometimes I’m terrible at projecting eg I decide that something at work is making me down, or mum is making me down, when actually nothing is to blame in that way. This week I thought I needed a break so haven’t seen mum all week but actually it hasn’t been good for either of us!

Rosa I started controlling my depression better when I started regarding it as being like a cold, ie something that comes at an inconvenient time, makes you feel rotten, but all you can do is sit it out and it will eventually pass. Saying to myself "I've got depression", (rather than "I'm depressed which leads you on to the unhelpful question "what is depressing me?" and then "It will go". I suspect your depression may be worse than mine, so this may not be helpful.

Mere you're probably right, I don't know why I look for another explanation when I already have one!!

going to post this here as I have a feeling it will get more answers than the finance section

does anyone know of any decent interest rates on postal accounts? Mum won't invest online. She has Kent, Leeds, Virgin, Yorkshire and now needs another one! Thanks.

I think it's fair to say that DH has upped his knob quotient quite considerably. I understand why - huge life change, plus he still has a drain in one arse cheek the size of a bic biro which is incredibly uncomfortable - but OMG. I am biting my lip very hard, trying to keep the peace, walk away if necessary, but he gets so angry about the smallest things.

Makes DM seem like a walk in the park - at least I could just come home if it got unbearable!

Depression - agree with dint, accept it, it will pass, and dont beat yourself up.

@RosaWaiting There's a table of the best phone and postal accounts on thisismoney.co.uk
www.thisismoney.co.uk/money/saving/article-1604879/Best-savings-rates-Telephone-postal-phone-accounts.html

yolo oh dear.

Cherry you are a gem, thank you. also.

I did look but I must have been using the wrong search terms somehow.

Rosa remember also that moneysavingexpert has a tool to find out which financial institutions are linked for FCA protection purposes - ie your savings in two linked organisations are added together for the £85,000 limit on protection.
www.moneysavingexpert.com/savings/safe-savings/#tool

If you can bear the hassle, some regular savings accounts go up to 5% interest - you can get a standing order from one savings account to feed into a regular savings account.

Oh, poor yolo . Is there any help available, to give you some respite each day?

Mere thank you.

Mum said she can't bear the hassle of those accounts, I do it for myself though.

We always look on MSE for linked accounts, so thank you for that too. Well, I look - mum doesn't but she asks me before she does anything.

she doesn't like direct debits and standing orders, she and my sister sit there harumphing about how the figure always goes too high. I just got a big credit on my elec bill and I was actually surprised - the amount of time I spend on MN, I thought the bills were probably right

yolo that sounds really tough- hope dog is helping you escape. 🌺 🌺
rosa I think there is a balance to be worked towards re visiting .... enough to sustain dm, but not drain you, and If you can find something in them for you, that is so much better.

today has been GOOD. drain fell out of DH arse cheek this morning, no worries as stoma nurse was visiting anyway. so I stuck a dressing on it and she took out the dangly stitch... we see the consultants tomorrow no idea if they will have lab results but everyone pleased with his progress. Stoma nurse said he has "a perfect bottom and a perfect stoma" - he now got very inflated head!!
AND DD1 got a 2.1 with honours in her degree!! which is a bloody achievement given what she has gone through in last 12 months - death of her grandma, death of her dog, her father has cancer. Very proud, and we are drinking fizz which I will regret in the morning.

Brilliant news yolo!🍷🍷😀😀

yolo great news!

One of the sons of mum's husband got in touch today. Wants to meet with me. That is reasonable but he wants to bring his brother, I feel outnumbered even at the idea of it- they seem to be hatching a plan to take either their dad or both mum and their dad to live at one of their homes but I cannot see that this is a good idea as mum will be booted out when he dies or they will be split up which they dont want.
Any ideas of ways I can say I only want to meet with one brother? I am pretty assertive but it feels uneven for there to be two of them and only one of me.
Mum's doctor called yesterday for a very frank conversation. Says mum has alzhimers almost certainly and that it is already in the middle stage and that we are heading for a "looming social care crisis" in how the two are to be looked after. It is terrifying. I am not sleeping and have lost over a kilo in the last week. I am snappy and irritable and it is not me- I am usually pretty even tempered.

nora you sound rightly wary.Would it be possible to include a social worker or representative on your team?
So sorry for what you are dealing with-or carers uk possibly to help? Your mum and stepdad need advocates for themselves-and please look for support for you.

Yolo am trying not to allow a mental image of your DH's perfect arse cheek enter my head...

@thesandwich thanks- I've got a social worker coming to assess mum next week.
Today mum has said she thinks that she and husband might be better in residential care. They just sit all day in their flat that they've not properly moved into, waiting for a stream of carers to arrive to dish out meds' to him. Another dr called me today and said she won't give mum painkillers for her back because she's worried that mum will overdose by accident and the carers won't administer them because they are not there for mum, just her husband. It's only paracetamol but they won't take on responsibility of giving mum 4 doses of paracetamol a day.
I'm running close to the end of my rope, I can feel the stress and anxiety in every cell of my body, I want to cry but no tears come. My friends are great but I am so alone with it all. I don't know what to do for the best, I'm pulled in all directions and I can't see how I can get the right path for my mum.

Nora that sounds really stressful. Can you take a friend with you to the meeting with the brothers to even out the numbers?

I know on the one had we appreciate the Drs etc keeping us in the loop, but on the other, it sometimes just increases our mental burden if it feels they are telling us problems that we have no idea how to solve. The only thing that I learnt was to ask them what can be done about it, or what they would recommend happens when told yet another problem.

nota its not so much the perfect arse cheek, but what they do to remove the anus... I can give you the gory details but it makes an episiotomy look like a walk in the park!! sorry, TMI?!

nora that sounds like an absolutely hellish situation. Is there any money available in the short term to pay for a private carer to go in 4x a day to do meds? and for you to get through this. I would also be anxious about the sons ganging up on me, could at least a friend be there with you to balance the numbers?

I'm going to call my friend today and see if she could come to a meeting with me. For now I've stalled on a meeting by suggesting we talk on the phone rather than face to face.

nora can you get a private Carer for your mum? I can’t recall if you are waiting on a social services assessment.