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Elderly parents

The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

986 replies

thesandwich · 31/12/2018 19:37

Continuing the long running series of threads. Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!
This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here
There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!
And a few laughs and the odd cockroach or gin....

OP posts:
JaceLancs · 14/02/2019 22:13

Our local age concern will fill in attendance allowance - some housing associations eg for sheltered accommodation will do as will citizens advice or local council welfare rights departments
I’ve also found my local DWP visiting team incredibly helpful
They recently visited DF in his nursing home - included DM in the meeting with myself and did a benefits check, set up LPOA, and appointeeship and reinstated DF attendance allowance without needing forms - gave me a list of contact details n info on pension credit etc

JaceLancs · 14/02/2019 22:16

Just got back from hospital DS had cooked for me and poured me a very large gin
I’m taking a bit of work to bed with me - will try and get an early start too as want to try and finish early to go and sort out DF hearing aids and visit him
DB turned up at hospital in time to take over with DM and has said he’ll cover her tomorrow eve if I cover DF

JaceLancs · 14/02/2019 22:18

DM upset that DF won’t get his valentine card today now - we’ve promised to deliver it to nursing home tomorrow
At 79 and 93 married for 59 years it brought a bitter sweet tear to my eye despite the shit situation over the last few days

JaceLancs · 14/02/2019 22:33

Gin n cat
Cat n gin

The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents
Grace212 · 15/02/2019 10:30

Jace hope you're okay and you got some sleep.

morning to all, hopefully we will all have a better day!

RoseMartha · 15/02/2019 11:11

@thesandwich thank you

JaceLancs · 17/02/2019 16:14

I had a melt down on Friday afternoon at the hearing aid clinic - trying to sort out DF new hearing aids which nursing home had lost
I cried all over the receptionist and the audiologist!!
It was a huge faff and it was just my tipping point
Then had to pull myself together to visit DF and then on to hospital to visit DM
DB did Saturday to give me day off
Hospital rang this morning and frightened me - but they just wanted me to accompany DM to scan and sign paperwork - re arranged my plans to do so - ended up being cancelled - so now I’ve got to take the day off work tomorrow
Just off to see DF now in his nursing home
DS is away for a few days - DD is away too with her DP
So no real life hugs - virtual ones welcome
I’m sat in hospital car park crying again and trying to gather myself together to drive to DF - it’s only 20 minutes on motorway but I need to be safer than I feel right now

Iamdanish · 17/02/2019 16:23

Oh Jace, supportive hugs from me 👐
It is so hard isn't it. Hurry home to breathing excersises, lovely cat and gin. Perhaps you should rename your cat Ginny, then no one will judge your intake of gin, thinking you are hurrying home to dcat 😀.
Best of luck tomorrow.

notaflyingmonkey · 17/02/2019 16:58

Jace big virtual hug from me.

You know that you are doing too much, don't you? It wouldn't be the end of the world if you skipped the nursing home visit and went home to sit with your cat.

Sitting in the car and crying is usually the sign that I know I need to pull back before I get ill.

Grace212 · 17/02/2019 17:42

Jace big hugs from me

what news re your mum, do you know how long she will be in?

FinallyHere · 17/02/2019 17:56

{{{{{hugs}}}}}

another vote for considering what care you need, fo yourself xx

thesandwich · 17/02/2019 18:03

Hugs from me too jace please listen to the wise words and try to refil your own tank somehow.... cats and gin sound good.
🌺🌺🍷🍷to all.

OP posts:
yolofish · 17/02/2019 19:24

jace more virtual hugs from me too, come to Tethers End for the village fete and we will keep you topped up with gin throughout. You cant keep on like this, its not right and fair on you and yours.

Had 3 rejections for my book proposal. One told me to use less 'funny' spelling - well it wasnt a problem for bloody Molesworth was it?!!

cockroach mes amies

JaceLancs · 17/02/2019 19:34

Cockroaches to all
Thank you for virtual hugs everyone
No gin or cat yet tonight
Cat is Reuben grey or Evie tabby and both are out!
I’m driving over to see a friend so will have a G n T on my return
Just checked my work emails and a friend/colleague has spent the afternoon today finishing off a big piece of work for me so I can take my time with DM tomorrow
My boss has ordered me to work from home or flexibly ie do the least needed for rest of week
I’m cheering myself with rump steak stroganoff sauce asparagus and broccoli as still doing SW despite all the gin!

Grace212 · 17/02/2019 21:56

Cats, out at all hours Grin

JaceLancs · 18/02/2019 11:21

Back at hospital this morning to catch Drs rounds - DM will be in till at least Thursday as waiting for MRI scan (today or tomorrow) and camera investigation (Weds) off to buy her more nightwear and sort out her money and cleaner
Visiting DF in way home from work
DB is working away for a few days so DD and I will alternate visiting as DS also still away

ApolloandDaphne · 18/02/2019 12:25

My SH and his brother are currently with my FIL trying to clear his house in advance of putting it on the market so he can move into a care home. It seems that he has lost track of all his finances and his ability to use any form of tech. This is a man who was always on top of everything and was always the first to have any sort of new gadget. Is this just normal old age or something we should be concerned about? He seems mentally competent in every other way. Thanks.

MereDintofPandiculation · 18/02/2019 16:12

I was looking forward to a Dad-free day tomorrow, now OT wants to come to do an assessment. Good news that's she's coming, but so disappointed at the loss of my free day.

MereDintofPandiculation · 18/02/2019 16:18

Apollo - could be normal old age - how old is he? Or it could be first signs.
This link compares normal ageing with dementia: www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/symptoms-and-diagnosis/how-dementia-progresses/normal-ageing-vs-dementia

My father has been tested for dementia and declared not to have it - a tech-savvy research scientist who took about 3 weeks to get the hang of his stairlift, despite having used one for years when nursing my mother. (And that's just one of his cognitive symptoms)

ApolloandDaphne · 18/02/2019 16:24

He is 91. He too is a tech savvy scientist. I really don't think he has dementia at all. But he certainly is not on top of things. The sooner we get him moved the better.

MereDintofPandiculation · 18/02/2019 17:10

Apollo Have you got Power of Attorney? You have to get it while he still has capacity. The Health and Welfare one can't be used until he loses capacity, but the Financial one can, and would make it easier for you to sort out financial stuff. Suggest he keeps one bank account for his personal expenditure, and you look after another for major stuff, direct debits, house sale, paying for care home etc.

ApolloandDaphne · 18/02/2019 17:18

DH has POA so that's all fine. He is now able to access the online accounts. All the internet stuff had got in a terrible mess and FIL couldn't even access his e mails. Luckily DH is an expert on IT and online security and was able to get access!

Grace212 · 18/02/2019 23:13

so jealous of people whose parents will do tech

finally lost my rag today and told mum I couldn't do any more work on probate unless I was allowed to put it on a computer. (I was seriously working from pen and paper, it was batshit considering dad had lots of accounts with about £2 in them)

so now I've done that, and it all makes sense and is much easier than I thought it would be.

however, she is very pissed off, moaning about how computers have ruined everything.....and of course, the fact that's now in a sensible format somewhere won't stop her asking 10 million questions about everything and getting annoyed when I point out I'm not a lawyer.

there's a bit of me that thinks her constant faffing with bits of paper is keeping her busy and therefore distracted from grief? I wonder if she was against the computer the whole time because she didn't want it sorted or solved quickly. Or does she really think aliens will somehow steal data and therefore money?

Increasingly I think she fears what she will do when the tasks are done, and also she fears that she will end up handing over her everyday tasks to me. I am sympathetic that being too old to deal with stuff and handing over must be very hard....but she let dad do it for 50 years, so why not me? And I do wonder, if I were male, would she just hand it over then, I think she might.

Iamdanish · 19/02/2019 00:21

The being male thing. What is it with elderlies that they have so much more respect for males?
My ddad had three capable daughters, no sons. I did everything practical for him. He only trusted my dh with money and pc issues!
If I needed him to do something (ie healthwise or practical) he would only listen and respect it if it came from a man, but me... noo.

Grace good for you, that you got your dm to accept the Pc thing. You wouldn't go to the shops in horse and carriage even though that was how it was done in the olden days either 😀 (lighthearted).

FinallyHere · 19/02/2019 05:41

So glad you have successfully made a stand Grace

You are very perceptive about why she might be hanging on to the process, but it is in no way fair for her to trespass further on your time and help. So much easier to say from outside the family dynamic.

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