The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running series of threads. Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!
This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here
There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!
And a few laughs and the odd cockroach or gin....

What is it with elderlies that they have so much more respect for males? My ddad had three capable daughters, no sons. Well, I suppose it's that when they were young enough to be learning, everyone had more respect for males. Doctors, vicars, even people advertising washing powder, were male. Yes, they've had plenty of time to learn since, but it's when you're a child that you look up to people and learn who you respect.

My dad had a daughter who did Stem A levels and a maths degree, but he thinks his techie magazine will only be of interest to DH, not to me.

I've long since come to the conclusion that when I was growing up he didn't really recognise that I was a girl.

To be fair it's the other way around with my MIL. My DH does all her shopping, visits 4/5 times a week, did the personal care before she finally agreed to residential care but she gives him no credit. I live too far away (and work FT) for practical help but deal with all her finances, house sale, pensions, etc but I am credited with everything. I think it's because she has only known me as an adult and still sees my DH as her "little" boy. Any time we need to persuade her to do anything my DH tries and fails as she won't listen but as soon as I visit she agrees straight away - weird!

I recognise that thing about the 'natural authority of the male'. One of my proudest moments was, when in his last few months, my father asked me to take over their finances.

He started the conversation by asking me what I thought about him asking my sister's husband to do this for him. Obvs. entirely his choice but within seconds it was all sorted that I would do it. Blush.

At first I thought it was just to do the on-line hits to his instructions but he was dead within a month or so and I have been doing hit ever since for my mother. A bit scary given she had absolutely no interest but easy enough. And some counterbalance for all the day to day stuff my sister who lives close to them (they moved to be best her) does , well did until we finally arranged for someone to be living in

Sorry, didn't expect that to be such a long post, all triggered by the view of the male.

Does anyone else use the country cousins agency for live in companion carers ? Would be interested in your experience.

@grannycake Ooohh, interesting that your MiL has the other approach.

'Her little boy 😀'

I can quite understand "her little boy". I'm beginning to recognise that DS2 might know one or two things that I don't (not so sure about DS1) - they're both in their 30s.

At home, listening to children shrieking and racing up and down the corridor......

I really still wish I could live with mum in her nice quiet house. perhaps if she perks up a bit, it could still be possible? This flat is hellish in summer as well - constant noise and boiling hot.

sorry, that was a bit random for an "elderly parent" board

hope everyone is doing well.

Morning all. Hope things are as good as they can be for all. Extra ☕️☕️🍫🍫for jace and yolo
No experience of country cousins but would be interested to hear feed back.
grace is there another option to move near your dm? She may perk up or may not- it is early days.noisy flat sounds grim.

sandwich mum lives a long way away so that would be major upheaval

I would rent my flat out if I actually moved in with mum so I could come back here if/when needed. There are other issues which I won't bore you with, but generally buying near mum is a no-no at the moment.

as for noisy flats - years of flat living, not much you can do really. It is probably better here than anywhere else I've lived. I'm the sort of person who would move into a retirement place at the earliest possible moment, on the basis that they are usually childfree!

though that won't stop people having very loud conversations on their mobiles, on their balcony. Balconies are a major source of noise in flats I find. They might look appealing but in summer, I could hear every conversation downstairs had with their mates via phone.

PALS tell me the Surgical and Anaesthetic Care Group need more time to construct their response to our complaint and I should hear back by 19th March. We had no complaints about surgery (hip replacement) and I am assuming that pain relief must fall under ACG or else they are barking up the wrong tree.... hmm.

yolo sorry to say it, but it sounds like they might be going for maximum obfuscation to avoid taking responsibility. I thought the main issue was that you hadn't been correctly informed about her condition - pneumonia and so on? I can't see how that goes to the ACG!

exactly grace!!! we will wait for their response and then take it apart... DB worked for the NHS for 40 years and he can be very scary when he wants... plus he actually knows what he is talking about.

No changes re DM am going to hospital to visit her this morning
I had a day off elderly duties yesterday as was at breaking point
DP had a crisis of his own on Monday so been helping him which just added to pressure n got a lot going on at work
In a moment of renewed energy I sent follow up emails re the 2 separate complaints re DF one about hospital one about CCG discharge to assess pathway - so am waiting to hear again......
Also decided to chase social services re getting DF assessed - got an out of office from previous SW who’s on leave so rang SS this morning and requested that they pull their finger out ASAP or they will be my next formal complaint.......and breathe..........:

yolo I put in a complaint about the private ambulance service taking my father home, and stressed the NHS ambulance on the way in was great. So what did they do? Passed my complaint to the NHS ambulance service. Deliberate obfuscation? Hasty onward referral by someone who barely skim-read my complaint? Who knows?

Jace 🌼
Sometimes all we can wish for is a little peace, quiet and normality.

jace. can you find time for a walk in the spring sun, or to look at what's coming up in the garden, or just to breathe quietly for a little bit? I find nature very calming (christ, I sound like Fotherington-Thomas in the Molesworth books!) but there is I think research that says being outside is good for you both mentally and physically. CBA to find it though! big hugs to you.

dint I'm more of the deliberate obfuscation route myself. On the grounds that the harder they make it the more people will give up.

Thank you - maybe I can get out on Saturday - currently I go to work in the dark and come home in the dark!
Still at work now
On a more positive note DM had surgery this morning (saga in itself involving tears trauma and breach of the MCA) and team feel successful - staying in for monitoring and more blood tests and MRI scan but looking much more optimistic 😊

It was DS's birthday this week. DB kindly bought DM a card to give him, but when I gave it to her to sign at the weekend, she decided against, and said she'd already signed one. So I passed it on to DS, who opened it to find a xmas card, and a cheque for him and DD, 'with best wishes for the new year' dated Nov 18. He took it well though.

We went to Bicester for the day, and I had my photo taken at a street called 'Crumps Butts'. It doesn't get much better than that.

New to this board, and just want a bit of a private rant as I feel too guilty to do it in real life.
We lost DF years ago, and always been closer to him, but since then, despite her being quite difficult, I have become closer to DM, she moved to be near us which was great, and helped out with DC, so we have had a few good years. She is almost 80, and has been physically (though not emotionally) independent up until the last couple of years. Health (and therefore emotional health) has deteriorated over the last few months, and I'm now worried about what is happening next. Off to the Drs today, but think early dementia is on the cards along with health issues.
Practicality I do all the support, and now having to apologise to people for her uninhibited behaviour (always has been a slight issue, but much worse recently).
I just feel tired, and know that I am probably in for a long haul. DSis doesn't live close, and really strained relationship with DM, and to be fair to her, we are the ones who have benefited from DM with her having DC over occasionally etc.
I know I will cope, my DC, friends and work will keep me sane, but the worse thing at the moment is having that daily conversation about how awful she feels/ she thinks she is dying and not knowing what to say. There really isn't any balance in our relationship anymore.
I don't think I need answers about anything, just appreciate a safe space to rant.

Hi madaunt, I hear you. The daily conversation you talk about was what I had with DM, and it's bloody wearing. How often do you see her? I saw mine at least 5 days out of 7, and used to dread it. I tried to find different topics of conversation but it always came back to her misery. So no advice, but everyone on this board is lovely and we totally understand.

Thank you yolofish. Luckily we live round the corner, so manage to see her most days, and if not generally talk to her. She has a good relationship with her cleaner, and generally is more positive on the day she comes, so I sometimes don't speak to her that day to give myself a break, and not make it seem like I am checking up on her. I think it got to me the other day, having to apologise about her behaviour- sounds bad, but if she obviously had dementia, then it might be easier- I haven't been there yet with a parent, so I obviously can't say that, I know.

I am in awe of you all, that moment when you realise you have switched from someone's child to caring for them is tough isn't it

Ah, the 'daughter round the corner' scenario. Same situation for me. What I will say is that when she starts needing care or you get social services involved, you really need to be hard as nails or else they will expect you to do an awful lot. My DM would have preferred me to do stuff rather than carers, but life doesnt work like that.

You are right Yolo - she fell apart last year when her hip crumbled, had it done, but couldn't get her to agree to careers coming in before or afterwards, so I ended up doing it all myself. That was fine for a few months, but long term I will have to be harder for services as well as my mum. Did you find it hard to persuade your Mum?

Did you find it hard to persuade your Mum?

DM has resisted each change, first cleaners more frequently, then daily visits to make her lunch, then twice daily to get her up and ready for bed again and now live in care

My DSis who lives closer has taken the brunt of each resistance, for which I am very grateful. The thing to hold to is that within days of each change my mother has ruefully admitted that it makes life much better for her.

It's good of her to admit it, still just a tad frustrating that she continued to refits and admits that she is still resisting the next step. It can't be way for her, really, either.

It would seem we are lucky with FIL. He is keen for changes to be made. His chosen care home has a room available now so we should be able to move him fairly soon. DH and BIL have made massive inroads into clearing his house and estate agents have been round. We are poised now for all systems go. It will be much easier to have him 5 minutes away being cared for rather than 100 miles away and struggling on his own.