The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running series of threads. Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!
This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here
There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!
And a few laughs and the odd cockroach or gin....

yolo glad at least something worked out 😀.
thigh you are not insane, lots of good explanations: could it be Gummys?, the dogs, a husband or just the elves? All reasonable explanations in my book 😂. BTW have a Chanel perfume (now oold) don't like the smell either, too much elderly lady.

Very pleased to hear about your daughter Yolo. What a relief!

thigh I think your sister gave it to you. I think you mentioned it before and I was like, ooh, Chanel!

sandwich what was mum like before - an averagely cheerful soul, not OTT. Never one for strops or bad moods. Endless patience. She is still the same, and she tries to laugh at my jokes and stuff on TV, but the sadness is just oozing from her, it's not her fault. She's also aged hugely; she used to be mistaken as being much younger and now I have to say she probably looks a bit older than her years. But she lost the man she loved for 60 years so it's going to be how it's going to be.

I have been quite overawed by her patience actually - I have been a pain in the butt around her house sometimes - but as far as she's concerned it's the family house, so she wouldn't like me calling it her house and she wants me to feel totally free in it.

and I have been a pain flip flopping about what I want for a couple of professional obituaries we are doing for dad and she's like, it's okay, take time to decided what you need.

she's fine with any level of crazy, any tears, any irrationality. Sadly I didn't inherit her qualities of being a lovely patient person. There's no way she could be described as being hard to live with in any way. I just reallllly love living alone.

I suppose another way to view it is just that as long as she can live alone and I can continue to spend a few nights a week there, we should do that, and then if she needs me to move in later, I guess I could try that.

Bert Sorry, that must be so hard

re "is what I'm doing sustainable" - yes, it is, no worries there.

yolo That's a great update - very happy that you've had a good day

I wouldn't put mum's bank stuff online without telling her. Yes, Grace, that's how I feel too. Dad feels really scared of on-line banking (too many stories of scams and hackings)and I'm not prepared to tell him outright lies. He still has capacity, and I don't think I can over-ride his feelings. Besides which, he couldn't cope with on-line banking - typing is not accurate enough (he can't type in a pin).

There again, I'm not fussed - I'm not going to do on-line banking until they've got that thing set up whereby it tells you whether the account name you're "pushing" it to matches what you think it should be. I'm too capable of typing the wrong number. So I'm still using cheques - which is not at all uncommon where I live.

thigh to be fair, the flip flopping is not about grief - it's mostly me trying to adjust to having another human being around. You might recall I took redundancy before this happened, had a lot of home working time as I hate working in offices etc, so mostly when I flip flop and behave irrationally it's brain fry from not being alone, if that makes sense.

tbh I have def finished the worst of grieving....that's probably why I'm hyper-noticing mum's sadness. I'm now at the point where I can get up in the morning and be cheerful. I hope that doesn't sound callous but an awful lot of my grief happened when dad was actually dying as that part was soooooooooooooo awful...so now it's a bit weird, two people trying to mosey along at totally different stages.

I do have odd random tears - nearly had them in Aldi today, of all places! - but generally - and based on previous experience of grief - I have passed through the stages I think. And mum makes me feel down when I'm actually not down.

Mum took Dad to the GP today who wanted to admit him to hospital. Dad said no. It's a repeat of the pulmonary oedema that was so catastrophic last time. Fuck. He won't survive another round of hospital but how to treat fluid on the lungs due to heart failure without it? He's had recent appointments with the geriatric consultant and he has had an echocardiogram but none of that has been fed back to the GP.

When me and Mum took him to the geriatric he knew nothing about Dad, had no notes or letters. Luckily we are getting used to this and took his dosette box of meds with us and i gave him chapter and verse.

I can accept that Dad is simply wearing out, what i can't accept is the lack of fucks given by his Doctors. Am i wrong? When Mum rocked up with him at the GPs today the GP was all shocked and "how long has he been like this?". For months you dozy bitch.

oh thigh, what can anyone say? I am so sorry. No you are not wrong, I think (based on my experience with mum) that NO ONE ever takes any responsibility, and there is no holistic care for the elderly. Where is he now, is he being looked after?

DH started treatment today. I was quite gungho beforehand, this is the day we've been waiting for for over 4 months. And yet, before he went in for his radio it suddenly hit me: these people looking like shuffling wrecks prob looked like he does today. Luckily he got called in then so I could go outside for a fag (!). Then more waiting, picked up the chemo drugs which all have red labels on saying CYTOTOXIC and instructions about never letting them touch your skin, use a special glass to tip pills into and then chuck in your mouth, no one else ever to even breathe near the glass - ok some exaggeration. 3 hour round trip (and it wasnt inefficient at all). But day one of 25 down...

Luckily we are getting used to this and took his dosette box of meds with us and i gave him chapter and verse. I did some little laminated cards for Dad and the family - contact nos and next of kin one side, meds on the other, credit card sized - I keep one in my mobile phone case. I'm having to do another batch - they're coming in very useful for ambulance people, A&E etc.

How do you pronounce "dosette"? - all the district nurses, SS etc around here say "dosset" to rhyme with "posset" or "cossett", ex SW friend of mine, retired 25 years ago, says "dose-ette" which seems much more logical.

what i can't accept is the lack of fucks given by his Doctors. on a similar line - how come my dad got discharged from hospital with pneumonia?

yolo . I feel ashamed to grumble when I read what you and your family are going through.

no dint please dont say that. You guys on this thread have supported me through the horror of mum - not to mention the bloody aggro before that. It's not a competition!!

equally, how come no one told me and DB that mum had pneumonia, from which she died?
we have started the complaint process, latest I have heard is that I cant have a copy of her medical records yet as 'another department still needs them'. hmm, I wonder why...

Dealing with oldies is worse than what I and my family are going through at the moment I think. We have hope, treatment will work, this time next year Rodders we will all be millionaires etc etc. But with the oldies, it's really a case of just putting off the inevitable (just call me Little Miss Sunshine, sorry!)

dose-ette I'd have said??

thigh it’s rubbish, isn’t it? So sorry for your df and dm. I dread the moment when dm has to engage again with the hamster wheel of tests, hospitals etc- we are currently in a lull after 18 months of appointments/ treatment etc. And at 93 ........
yolo thank heavens things have started. You know we are here to listen and share a toast 🍷🍷. cockroach

Yolo I'm so glad your DH has finally started treatment. This time next year he will be a meth kingpin and have 80 million buried in the desert. Glad you got the opportunity to have a fag, i have failed on the fag front. Will try again soon, sigh.

Yes, why doesn't anyone tell us anything? Cba or they think we're thick or trying to sugar coat it? I know things only go one way in the end, but when is the end? When do we say fuck it and make the most of every day and when do we push for treatment?

I think there's life in the old dog yet, but he hasn't got a hospital stay in him. Bloody death traps.

When I had my youngest i had a shower and went home, bloody filthy places hospitals.

hi all waves

thigh is your dad on Furosemide or perhaps might be put on it? obvs I am not a doctor, but dad had that at home and in hospital, fairly sure. So if your dad wants the meds but not the hospital stay, that might be possible.

I had to google to remind myself of the drug name and while doing that, this article came up talking about giving it via IV at home

www.bhf.org.uk/informationsupport/heart-matters-magazine/medical/intravenous-diuretics-at-home

Grace thank you that sounds like a very good suggestion that i will make.

I pronounce "dosette" as ''blister pack'' - easier all round!

Getting fed up of all the small bits n pieces
DF care home has managed to lose one hearing aid, the special cutlery we ordered for him and my nail clippers - that’s just this week so far!
Still no sign of tv remote or the 2 wool blankets plus so much clothing - everything gets labelled but still disappears
More positively SALT visited again and are trying to get staff on board with feeding more and encouraging self feeding to hopefully get him off NSG tube feed eventually

More worryingly DM told DB she went to Dr last week but no idea why! It’s not physical and they asked her to go
Then on Monday she rang saying she’d had a letter from them asking her to go in and discuss the results of her blood tests (which she doesn’t remember having)
She wanted me to go with her which is unusual and asked me to make appointment
I rang Tuesday n got an appointment for today which concerned me further as normally even when at deaths door there’s a long wait at her surgery - I’ve had to fight to get DF seen at all
Going this morning and expecting some kind of bad news - at least I can get her re referred to memory clinic whilst there!

Possible liver disease
Possible cancer of liver
Referred for scan and more bloods
DM very confused today - but still passed memory test!

Jace, so sorry. Fingers crossed it is something treatable.

Jace See if your Mum will give permission for the surgery to speak to you, and, if your GP allows you on-line access to medical records, for you to access her records as well. It makes life a lot easier. You get to see a summary of all letters sent (eg "recall bloods"), and the detailed blood test results.

So sorry to read this Jace

Hope you get any diagnoses soon.

so sorry jace and second finding out if you can have access to the medical people.
DH 2nd radio today - he went on his own and says it was much better?! long may it bloody last is all I can say!!!