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Elderly parents
Original poster

The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

986 replies

thesandwich · 31/12/2018 19:37

Continuing the long running series of threads. Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!
This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here
There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!
And a few laughs and the odd cockroach or gin....

OP posts:
yolofish · 07/02/2019 17:54

we're just in waiting mode dint thank you for asking. The MDT meeting was today and we havent, as yet, had a call saying he needs a colostomy before he starts treatment - which is my biggest fear, but I guess there is still time... Today is 4 calendar months since his diagnosis. So all being well he starts chemoradio on Tuesday. I think it is going to be a rough ride, they are going to hit him quite hard with a view to reducing (quite big) tumour before surgery next summer. He is actually sleeping better now which is a big improvement, but gets very tired. We both just want it to start so that we know something is being done and then we'll deal with the side effects as and when they arise. His parents and sister? hahahahaha! They came for lunch on New Years Day, no contact with sister since. PIL and DH speak on phone once a week. They do keep offering to help but there is really nothing they can do and if they do come and visit they witter on endlessly about all the lovely meals out they've had/little trips away they are planning etc etc.

MereDintofPandiculation · 07/02/2019 18:07

yolo Flowers Really don't know how you are coping with it all. Huge admiration.

MrsBertBibby · 07/02/2019 19:10

Gin up this end Windgate!

Glad he is sleeping yolo. Horrible to just be waiting.

yolofish · 07/02/2019 20:26

I am not sure I am coping tbh. Its more like just crack on where I can. But my motivation for work or anything involving concentation is so low, I just mostly fester on the computer. Walking the dog is good, esp when the weather not too awful, but there is a limit for how long you can do that for (not for her, for me!). i just wish I didnt feel so lonely. My girls are at uni and that's where they should be; my friends are scattered far away, my parents are dead and the relationship, even before the breach, was not one of real support. But you guys are lovely!!

Iamdanish · 07/02/2019 20:49

yolofish
I am in awe that you are in any way holding it together. Aren't there any relative cancer support groups or community groups you can contact, start horseback riding etc 😀. I take it, that you just need to talk and feel some kind of normality?
I know this is not helpfull , but I find it hard to understand that your dh has been waiting four months, don't uk have any treatment guarantees or ensurances to cover treatment? Have been watching A&E programmes 🙄 and always thought that wow you have good hospital services , but that's just TV isn't it?
For what it is worth, I am thinking of you, you have got a hard deal.
💐🍸

Original poster
thesandwich · 07/02/2019 21:16

yolo another one sending 🌺🌺🍷🍷. Sorry it’s so rubbiish.

OP posts:
yolofish · 07/02/2019 21:21

thank you danish I do appreciate it. Treatment: well after the initial diagnosis there were 3 extra colonoscopies, and then I pointed out - as no one else seemed to have noticed - a query about potential spread to lungs so then there were more tests because oncologist wouldn't treat him til after those tests. Which I suppose is fair enough, but it has taken such a long time... I dont know what I need to be honest, I think what I need is for treatment to bloody start so we feel like something is being done!

pineapplebryanbrown · 07/02/2019 22:34

Wind no gin in the cake please, i have to stay sober to keep these drinkers out of jail.

Paws crossed for your DH from me and the dogs Yolo.

Fortysix · 08/02/2019 15:29

A reassuring care home story for those who worry. My mum has advanced dementia and just talks in phrases... Message left on DM's whiteboard for my DSis and me by night care team : Sunday: Little Mum is in a GREAT mood. Tonight showed photo of Fortysix Dad and she was happy. Once in bed she says: 'Ok, now just a cup of tea' Grin We adore her!

ApolloandDaphne · 09/02/2019 08:52

I posted a while back when my FIL had a fall and ended up in hospital and you were all very helpful. He has decided he wishes to go into a home and he is here at our house this weekend so we can go look at some.

I find him hard to have around. I have no relationship with him at all. I don't know what to talk about and it so feels very stilted. He has mobility issues and needs some help getting around. DH does this when we have him here.

My biggest fear is that his house will be sold before he gets a place in a home. If this happens he will have to come and stay with us for a while. DH works very long hours. I don't work but I have plenty to do. My home is my safe haven. I don't know how I will manage to have him here. When I speak to my DH about it he dismisses it and tells me I am being silly. I don't feel I am being silly. I am being honest. I find the idea almost unbearable. Am I being ridiculous? How do people manage this?

MrsBertBibby · 09/02/2019 09:07

Oh that's tough! I think first off, if he is staying for any length of time, fix it so he has his own day space if you can? And stick to your routine, so you aren't stuck "entertaining" him.

ApolloandDaphne · 09/02/2019 09:37

He can have his own bedroom and bathroom and we have two sitting rooms so he won't have to be on top of me. He is very passive and would never ask for anything. I find this hard as my DPs are anything but passive! I sound like such a cow.

MereDintofPandiculation · 09/02/2019 10:15

Apollo I understand exactly where you're coming from. I have a much better relationship with my Dad, but he drives me absolutely crazy. I'm so glad that we have the excuse that we don't have a suitable room for him here.

I would suggest, even while he's here temporarily, that you keep busy with everything you'r normally do, and don't feel the need to make conversation

pineapplebryanbrown · 09/02/2019 10:48

Apollo i adore my Dad but can only do 3 hours at a time. Sadly the very elderly are just exhausting as their needs are so huge.

MrsBertBibby · 09/02/2019 16:57

Aaaah, Saturday afternoon. Lovely time to research incontinence pads, as Tesco seem to have stopped selling them.

Hoping I can persuade Dad to get them delivered.

pineapplebryanbrown · 09/02/2019 17:12

Sainsbury's and Amazon do male incontinence pads Bert - unless they're really for you Wink

ApolloandDaphne · 09/02/2019 17:22

We have been looking at care homes today. The one he likes best has two room empty at the moment. How quickly can a house be sold???

MereDintofPandiculation · 09/02/2019 17:42

Bert Boots do incontinence pads, including own brand, and they will deliver either to store or to your home.

yolofish · 09/02/2019 17:55

apollo in my experience they will take the person if house is/is going on the market. if you like the place, crack on!

I just need to unload some stuff... DH feeling shit today. DD1 has had numerous ear infections since early Oct, GP visits, antibs, blah blah. Now coming back again, she has no GP at uni so will have to wait til she comes back here and I demand an appt and ENT referral for her on Feb 21. DD2, oh god, I have to go down to her uni tomorrow, 3 hour drive, stay overnight with her in hotel because she and 3 others have been called in for disciplinary meeting on Monday. I think it is suggested plagiarism... the 3 girls revised together, had to write an essay under exam conditions for which they were allowed to take in notes. So perhaps their notes were too similar? fuck knows, but I am taking her away from her student house (snotty flatmates) and staying in a hotel with her tomorrow night to keep her calm, feed her, take her to meeting, and then come back because DH starts treatment Tues. I just bloody wish something could be straightforward and go well for us at the moment?

ApolloandDaphne · 09/02/2019 17:59

yolo That's good news about the house sale. I quick move would be wonderful.

It sounds like you are having a tough time. Wine for you.

Original poster
thesandwich · 09/02/2019 18:32

Oh yolo you really don’t deserve this stuff. Vent away here..... it sounds all round rubbish.
Has your dd contacted the student union for support? Sounds really odd set up.
How are you looking after you? Doggy walks? Everything crossed for you and your family next week.
bert rock n roll! We get pads via amazon delivered here in bulk and I take to dm..... does amazing things for your amazon product suggestions.......
apollo good luck with the care home hunt. And a rousing cockroach toast for all.

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 09/02/2019 18:45

Bloody hell yolo.

I hope the uni stuff isn't too harsh. They so hot on it though, my partner is forever having students hauled up for it. Has she someone to go into the meeting with her? There is usually a provision for an SU bod to a company her.

MrsBertBibby · 09/02/2019 18:50

Thanks all. It's bed pads rather than pants ones : mum is a demon for getting her knicks off without Dad noticing, and then peeing everywhere.

Dad wants to avoid Amazon, because they are evil. Loads of suppliers, so I just need to find him a good deal.

Iamdanish · 09/02/2019 20:04

🧚‍♂️🍸, lucky dust for you yolo

Didn't know Amazon was "eviler" than most 😂.

Windgate · 10/02/2019 17:47

Well that's another weekend completely dominated by DM and her needs. Went in with shopping, new electrical device etc, did chores and set up device etc etc, checked that she was feeling well and no others chores needed doing. No sooner had I got in the house than she rang to say community nurse had been in and decided long standing wound is infected and doctor was needed.
Today spent sorting doctor visit etc. DSis and I have earned our Gin tonight but we are happy to share with you all Gin, 🍾🥂☕️🍻🍰🍩 help yourselves and enjoy.