The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running series of threads. Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!
This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here
There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!
And a few laughs and the odd cockroach or gin....

biscuit hello and welcome, you've come to the right place.
I think there is a difference between 'medically fit' ie he doesnt need to be in hospital, and 'fit' ie ok to live alone. Have you got SS involved to do an assessment/look at what they can put in place? We have a local enablement team who are very good, they came in 3x per day to help/assess at the same time (just unfortunate DM kept falling over again and again). But really they should assess him for his social/care needs before they send him home, and you absolutely cant be responsible given your family responsibilities and distance.

oops, forgot to say: 'medically fit' = they want the bed. But they actually cant discharge him if care needs are not met. Good luck, you might have to get quite stroppy but stand firm.

Good luck biscuit.

So my mother got a physio visit courtesy of the fall clinic today. She was insanely high on account of it being her birthday. She made the poor man sing her Happy Birthday. About 20 times.

He was very lovely. I guess he is used to it, but my word she is really barking.

biscuit they may not discuss him with you, but that doesn't stop you telling them things. Make it clear that you live at a distance and cannot contribute to his care. And tell them what he cannot do, and what your fears are. Remember he will be telling them that he's more capable than he really is, so say things like he is resolutely independent and wishes to go home, and you fear he is overstating his capacity.

What are your worries about him being home alone - his physical safety or loneliness?

What about funding his care - is he self-funding or are you dependent on what SS will provide?

Thank you all for a lovely welcome and very helpful advice. It's amazing the things you don't think about when you can't see the wood for the trees. I didn't think that the "medically fit" would be code for bed blocking but makes total sense. After all they are not doing anything for him really and beds are in short supply.

To answer a few questions, Social services are aware of him but he is self funding - owns his own small home.

I have spoken to the hospital - home team who arrange discharge. To be honest they were unhelpful, more interested in how soon I could sort out a couple of minor adjustments to his house. He has aids put in around the house/stairlift at my insistence last year.

I have concerns about him physically coping and the carers having to do absolutely everything for DF. But I do worry/cry about how lonely he must be. I call and message him a lot but often feel guilty it's not enough.

He is/was a very independent and proud man as is typical I think of his generation. sadly I think that can also be a hinderance to their overall well-being.

Oh MrsBert i know it is not fun when you are living it, but you gave me the first smile of the day (down with the flu).
What a nice physio, imagine coming home from work after demands like that all day 😀.
Perhaps that will be our salvage, think how much bad behavior is forgiven due to old age.
Then you all have something to look forward to 😜.

Hello, I’d like to join your thread and ask for some advice please. Our mum is 82 with a diagnosis of Vascular Dementia and Alzheimer’s. she still lives at home with our dad, 87. We’ve seen a rapid deterioration in recent weeks, particularly the last few days where she suddenly doesn’t know where she, or any of us live. Had forgotten I was grown up with my own family tonight. We’ve been coping with daily visits from my sister and me, and she has reluctantly accepted a carer for one hour a week. This now isn’t sufficient, our dad is exhausted. Mum doesn’t realise exactly what her diagnosis is but is naturally desperately unhappy and, to be honest, living an unbearable life. However she is more than adamant that she won’t go into a care home, and a very strong character. We have the option of my sister converting her home to take them in, not an easy decision, but this will take months and months. Realistically we don’t have that long do we, what are the options? Do caters exist that stay all day? Is sedation an option? Does anyone have experience of timescales they could share?
Thank you in advance.

Candle,
My DH family member had the same diagnosis but died a few years ago, It is a horrible disease.

I would speak to her GP to rule out any infection thinking urine type infection can increase confusion - we had that a few times.

Also, see if any local care agencies do over night care. I'm just looking for my own DF at the moment. It's seems some do 24hr cover with carers swapping over day/night or even after a couple of days.

Hi Candle, my mother has the same. We are trying to get carers in but the bloody agency is like treacle. I cannot get them to get on with it. I guess carers are thin on the ground thanks to Brexit. At present my dad is doing everything. It is unsustainable.

The agencies in theory at least can do live in etc, as long as you can pay.

YY to the GP too. UTI is worth checking. Could there have been a TIA?

biscuit self-funding gives a few more options, for example there are care companies who will send someone in simply to be a bit of company. Presumably he's paying out of savings/income, because while he's living at home, I don't think they can take the value of the home into account.

Hospital discharge team is working for the hospital. My experience is the same as yours, a focus on getting them our asap. Be firm, say what your worries about him coping are. MN advice was to drop into conversation that you are worried about xyz and an early readmission to hospital - apparently hospitals are evaluated on that - it seemed to work for me.

If it would be helpful, you might be able to push for "reablement" at home. Basically a set of carers whose emphasis is on helping the person regain his former ability. They can be there for up to 6 weeks.

Loneliness - yes, horrible, but try not to feel guilty. You as a single person cannot possible assuage his loneliness. You might be able to find a day centre or similar that he could attend.

Must admit I found your comment about "typical of his generation" amusing - he's a wee bit older than me and a wee bit younger than my DH - and I'm making similar comments about my own father. Maybe it's not generational, maybe determined independence is something that happens to all of us eventually.

Thanks folks. Yes, suspect another TIA, she’s been very anxious about a hospital appointment recently and we often see a deterioration with anxiety, is that familiar to anyone else?
I’m currently with them but in her bad books as I’ve suggested additional support, I don’t think I handled the conversation well.
So sorry to hear others are having or had similar experiences, you don’t realise how awful it is until it hits, do you.

DH chemoradio been put back by a day because the machine is 'broken' and others have to finish their course before he starts. I do understand that, of course I do - but Thursday will be 4 months since diagnosis and he has had NO treatment. Still waiting for Thurs' MDT meeting to announce he needs a colostomy thereby putting treatment back even further. Not feeling good here.

So to make myself feel better I moved some furniture around today, which involved pinching a bookcase from mums house - has been rejected by DB et al so feel I can take it. Got rid of two horrible really studenty pine shelvy things, replaced with a white one from our hall and a white one from mums. still a mishmash but better!

you don’t realise how awful it is until it hits, do you yes candle, you are right. Its like being a whole new world where you dont know the language, or the social cues...

Yolo, I’ve been following your posts for some months, so almost feel I know you. Hope things get moving more quickly for dh, you’re due some good news. Enjoy your reorganising.

yolo that’s so rubbish. Sending you 🍷🍷🌺🌺🌺🍫🍫

Hi Yolo , supportive hug from here too. I find many challenging days are made better by moving furniture around too! Trouble is I realised I've started to do it at work as well

Yolo your poor DH. That sounds grim to have gone so long without treatment, even if just from a psychological point of view.

Sending you cockroaches

yolo And our local paper had an article on two "robot cats" that the local dementia home had, like beautiful soft fluffy toy cats, but responsive. Would be nice if some kind benefactor shipped a load of them our way, so when things got too much we could sit on the floor in a corner hugging a cat while someone brought us a glass of wine.

Heh, I have a real cat to cuddle, but she's even more brain-wrong than my mother. Manky old ladies in all directions!

Those cats are only 100 bucks stateside. 200 squids over here.

They're listed between £110 and £130 in various places, but mostly out of stock!

3 cats here. One is a vicious fucker, but lovely in the right mood; one is fat and thick; the 3rd is lovely but bullied by the other two.

Just a minor whinge now, block ears/eyes as necessary. Because my father had the temerity to die in Ireland almost 23 years ago the Inland Rev demand solicitor fills in a different, more complicated form - even though the value of DM estate will not be taxable anyway, although Irish resident he always kept UK bank account into which his naval and other pensions were paid. And this will take at least 13 weeks for Inland Rev to process! Even if weasel solicitor gets his arse in gear...

And I feel really lonely at the moment. DH is doing ok-ish, has slept the last few nights which is much better than before, but he goes to bed at 8ish most nights and so I just fuck about on the internet. If I went to bed at 8 I'd be up by 3am.

cockroach mes amies.

Cockroach, Yolo. And here's to fucking about on the internet. It saved my sanity as a single mum. What did we do before we had it?!

Hello all.
Not much to say. Mum been home from respite 3 weeks now and doing ok. Caught her yesterday bypassing the stairlift to go up on foot 'because it's quicker'. Sigh. I have made it clear to her that I will not be responsible for any outcome of her poor decision making/risk taking.

I'm reading the thread every day and just wanted to say that inspite of all the daily shit you all go through your support for each other, wisdom and quick humour are inspiring

Am I too late to sign up for the Tether's End fete? I can bring lemon drizzle cake and plenty of gin, hell I can add the gin to the drizzle.

yolo how's things with your DH?