Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support and a rant

[thesandwich]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

tbh no one is really supporting me as my friends aren't near my mum's and I don't think mum will cope with other visitors to the house

and I never know where I'm going to be

so it is a bit harsh in that way but this board is so great, thank you all

I should add, my friends have offered to come see me, go to the funeral etc but with all the toing and froing it hasn't been practical, so I've only been for coffee with a friend once.

it's weird because normally I'm a bit of a recluse and quite happy with that but at the moment, especially at mum's, I feel desperate for company. When neighbours have popped in, I've been really pleased but she doesn't like people around at the moment, which is fair enough, so they don't stay long.

Have you maybe tried saying to friends ' I would absolutely love company but I don't know how to make it happen' and let them come up with ideas?

@Annandale

oh yes, it's not their fault at all - they ask "where will you be tomorrow" and in theory I think at mum's, but I've now left three times as I was unable to cope - mum and I don't live in the same county so it's really my fault, I just don't feel stable enough to make an arrangement with anyone and stick to it. It's a big deal for most of them to travel to mum's and I don't feel up to more than about an hour company anyway.

I am talking to my friends on the phone, so no worries there.

no one can really take this away of course - I just have to go through it.

grace at times like this, planning falls by the wayside completely. You literally cannot plan anything because you are still reacting to the situation. It will get better, life will get back onto a more even keel.

Grace, you've lost your Dad, you are supporting your Mum, and you are coping with depression - you are doing splendidly! My Mum died when my DS was 14 months - it was good to have the reminder that life continues - you don't have this.

In practical terms, look after yourself first, because unless you are fighting fit you can't look after anyone else, Don't have your mother to live with you - you will grow to resent each other. Do visit her at a frequency which allows you to enjoy your time with her, and contact her in the meantime, phone, texts, whatever you both prefer.

The sense of obligation may be coming from the depression. When I was first diagnosed, I had my first counselling session Snow was falling heavily outside, and she was horrified I'd refused a lift from DH - same sort of thing - I ought to be able to cope on my own, offer support to others, after all what problems did I have? So look on the sense of obligation as yet another irritating symptom, not as something to be believed and acted on.

thank you Dint, that's interesting about the lift and the snow...I can relate.

it's such a topsy turvy feeling, I've loved living alone for years and now I feel very lonely. I suppose the background security of mum and dad was always there.

for you tomorrow Yolo.

yolo another one will be thinking of you tomorrow. cockroach🍷🍷🌺🌺

Yola 🌺🌻🌷🌈

thank you all.

Seriously pissed off today: DB and SIL and 2 nieces were meant to arrive tonight. They are now not coming until tomorrow, will meet us at the crem, come back here for a cup of tea and a sandwich and will then bugger off back home again. 3rd niece not coming as newly pregnant and anxious (fair enough). Nephew coming for a 'brief' visit. None of the children's partners are coming.

Just seems so disrespectful, and I am actually embarassed that half of mum's family cant spare her the time for the wake. Plus its a 250 mile drive for DB et al - the opportunities for delays are massive, given that it involves 4 different motorways.

Anyway if they are late, the crem waits for no man - and if they are late I will be absolutely furious.

Since mum died, they have done nothing. I have cleared and cleaned the house, dressed it for the agent's photos, removed anything valuable/potentially nickable, got some friends round to move heavy bits of furniture, dealt with all the coroner's office stuff, and the solicitor, and the funeral arrangements. And they cant spare more than a few hours? Mum would be absolutely horrified.

Yolo golden balls strikes again. I really don't know what is wrong with these GCs. I think growing up GC turns them reptillian like that old TV programme V where they removed their skin and ate mice behind closed doors. Try to keep your brain off how shit GBalls is until Wednesday. You and your Mum deserve tomorrow to say goodbye nicely xxx

yolo, that seems a long way to travel on the day, I totally get that you'd be furious if they were late.

is it possible they are staying locally somewhere and don't want to meet so aren't saying so?

I wouldn't think too much about partners but that's me. My cousin couldn't come to dad's funeral due to work commitments but he came at the weekend and spent a whole day with mum which was probably better.

are you giving a eulogy? I decided to wing it to some extent, so I had to ask other people how it went. I knew I was standing there and saying words - with a poem too - but I didn't really hear myself, if that makes sense.

YOLO, dB is the gift that keeps on giving....... or git shall I say? Buckets of Teflon to you, plaster it on and do your dm proud tomorrow.
🌺🌺

maybe they are staying elsewhere - but they all tighter than a gnat's chuff, so a 4 bedroom house with all mod cons would appeal. Getting more and more angry the more I think, so will try not to think. Mum would turn in her grave... if she had one, which she wont. Funnily enough, they can spare the time to come and see the solicitor in a couple of weeks??
(no, dont answer that.)

yes I am giving a eulogy, as is DB if they get there on time. I cant honestly think he wouldnt, but SIL and the nieces are all as flaky as fuck, and I am beginning to lose any trust in them. DD2 reading a poem, as youngest gd, and nephew reading one as oldest gc.

yolo, I'm angry on your behalf.
for you. will be thinking of you tomorrow.

I have been late to one funeral and almost late to another, it's awful. Not one where I was a close family member though. I can't think why they would put themselves through the stress of driving 500 miles on the day they are burying a parent, they're crazy. Not impressed that they are adding to your stress too Yolo.

Sounds like Gin for breakfast tomorrow Yolo.

Cockroach x

oh yes I will have a wee stiffener before we set off for the crem! lots of love and cockroach all round to you all xx

Yolo I'm so sorry DM and you deserve better Cockroach to all

Wishing you well for tomorrow @yolofish. Cockroach to one and all.

Hope it goes ok tomorrow Yolo. You can hold your head up high and know you've done the right thing.

argh I just want to scream, I really need to go to bed, but not sleeping well at the moment and doubt I will tonight.

I loved my mum, I really did, and she me. But both of us could argue that black is white, and we clashed over the last 20 years where she lived round the corner, and we saw each other twice a week ramping up to 5-7 days a week as she got more and more frail. Sick to the back teeth of DB and SIL being the knights in shining armour, who cba to even come and give her funeral enough attention.

I am trying to be kind and thinking that DB will find it very difficult (why more than me I dont know), but my SIL and my nieces and nephew are being wet as lettuce and should be ashamed of themselves. Unless of course there is something else going on that I dont know about - in which case, why not just fucking tell me? grrrmph.