Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support and a rant

[thesandwich]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

oh FFS windgate. I think they take the piss with the elderly.
grace please do not move in!!

Oh wind oh that's terrible. When Dad was in hospital they went to give him his meds, i looked in the little cup and said - why are there 6? There should be 4 - they were treating ploypharma and about to re-overdose him again! We were too scared to leave him at all.

I suppose the argument against that is that 'safe' means that the immediate family are not coping with the unsafe bits? And my point of view is that I wouldn't want the family to deal with the unsafe bits, the whole point about not being kept "safe" is being able to secure an early escape.

I agree dint but mum not being 'safe' didnt secure her the early release - if she'd hit her head on June 7 as well as 'catastrophic' fractures to arm and shoulder, maybe she wouldnt have dragged on til Nov 1 - it was a truly terrible 5 months for all of us.

quick question: does one tip funeral directors/pallbearers?

So glad to have this forum for support.
I have an 81 year old mother who lives alone. Up till now she has coped pretty well generally, but I think she has been very lonely. I have moved closer to her in the past few months, and since then I feel she has kind of just given up. She has cognitive issues, fell the other day, has developed gout, and is leaving things on the cooker nearly causing a fire.
I don't have a good relationship with her and my brother isn't interested and hasn't seen her in a year and half, despite living 20 miles away. He is a recluse with MH issues, so it's hard to know what to do. My sister lives at the other end of the country and has family and work commitments.

I do not have power of health attorney, my aunt does. My aunt does not like my mother and isn't interested either.

I don't know what to do. I am struggling to support my own family at the moment, i don't enjoy my mother's company either. I will go and see her and ask her over to our house, but I am worried she is really not going to be able to manage on her own much longer.

Anyone in a similar situation?

Yolo, pallbearers were friends, so I don't know about that specifically. We definitely didn't tip the director and I don't think it's a thing...?

Owl, do you need to look at getting carers in for mum?

I'm feeling really angry today. I posted on probate about trying to sort that out, my mum thinks I'm stressing because of that, but I'm not. I'm stressing because of the way she is handling it and the fact that she can't read a bank statement....amongst other things.

I don't know long to tolerate her general hopelessness. I think getting power of attorney is just a get out of jail free card for her so she doesn't have to do anything. I was chatting with a friend who said, look, she may be 80 but she can't just refuse to learn anything because of that.

All her cultural excuses come up as well, but interestingly, her brother rang me from India and was horrified that she's moaning about being unable to go out without her husband or daughter. I haven't seen him since I was a child, but good to know that he too occupies the 21st century!

We didn't tip pallbearers or funeral director etc, so hope it's not a thing 😅

Tip them?? God I hope not as I didn't . The bill was eye-watering so I don't feel too bad. Maybe do a separate thread?

nah will go with the consensus! am pissed, friends turned up unexpectedly am now eating toast and honey to absorb alcohol cockroach mes amis

Lovely update yolo

A few weeks ago I posted about my sd mother who had a diagnosis of lung cancer but had developed psychosis and had been taken into hospital . Sadly the psychosis was not brought under control and her general health deteriorated and she passed away this afternoon. I'm feel sadly for my step daughter but it's a relief for her mother .

for you Victoria
How old is your SD?

for you Victoria

I don’t post on here often but it is a great help to read the thread

So sorry Victoria. 🌺🌺🌺🌺
cockroach alll- or even hair of the cockroach yolo? Glad you had fun.

Thanks for your kind wishes.

How did others cope with the guilt of leaving an elderly widowed parent alone?
I get that I can't be there all the time but I'm finding it makes me feel horrendously guilty.

Mum is so low, I can't help with that anyway really. I suppose because I don't have any other obligations, I feel I should cope better but staying at her place is so hard. I have depression and anxiety and I've been hoping to cope better because she needs me, but I keep going over there saying I'll help with stuff, then have anxiety attacks and end up coming home.

Her house is dark and freezing and I struggle with that too, which seems trivial given she's just been widowed.

Grace, widowed dm lives near me and has had many ups and downs. But I have learnt the hard way that I cannot take on responsibility for her happiness. Your dm is grieving. Sounds trite but it is true. It is a case of putting on your own oxygen mask first- sounds like the best you can do is make sure she is safe, arrange support for her- and prioritise your own life and health. You deserve to be happy.

thanks sandwich

I always thought I'd be fine to look after mum when dad died and I feel as if I should be....I'm not working at the mo as I had a redundancy payout, I don't have a husband or children to worry about....so why am I not coping better?

Grace it sounds like the immensity of her needs and unhappiness is overwhelming. You've just lost your dad too. I think as children our parents being this unhappy and unable to look after themselves would be life-threatening, so it's not surprising it makes us feel really anxious.

I can only think of two things - turn on the heating when you are there, and make her an urgent GP appointment (and go with her to the appointment - ok three things). And see your own GP in your own grief. Ok four things.

thanks Annandale

she won't see the GP and in fairness she does eat and sleep and I think her grief is quite normal really. she isn't putting pressure on me to do anything, I should add. She keeps telling me not to take on so much of her stress and said I should go back home to recover from my own grief.

I don't know where this massive sense of obligation comes from, but when dad has been ill and near death in the past, I always thought I'd move in with mum really. We love each other to bits and get on really well. I can't say I would have moved in with dad if the reverse had happened!

PS I also feel a bit kind of spoilt brat - the last few years of my life have been nice and peaceful and since dad was ill, all I can see is awful stuff - the strain of him being ill, knowing he was going to die, knowing that mum would be broken....but in some ways, this is just life and people cope all the time. So why am I not doing better?

Because you have lost your dad and it's not fair

this is just life and people cope all the time. So why am I not doing better?
They may appear to cope but the reality is surely more that we all struggle with these things, it's all painful and you are suffering too, you deserve care and sympathy too

Grace, be really kind to yourself. Great advice from everyone- who is supporting you? 🌺🌺🌺